Dating in your 50's and beyond - questions

[Fireup2020]

Several of my friends are in their 50's and 60's and re-entering the dating scene one way or another. Very interesting women. Attractive and healthy women. (definitely not the rocking chair type!) For some reason, they have blessed me as their dating coach I recently told one of them to "dump" a guy she had been dating, simply because he was emotionally high maintenance for her. (If you are "justifying" or questioning behavior of someone you've been dating for 3 mos, it's too high maintenance) These ladies are gonna put me to the test, I'd like to stock the arsenal (sound advice) if you don't mind.

Dating in my 30's was complicated enough - and I know while things are similar, so much is VERY different!

I'd like to hear trials, tribulations, best/worst advice you have recieved, etc.

Thank you

 

[haha]

Several of my friends are in their 50's and 60's and re-entering the dating scene one way or another. Very interesting women. Attractive and healthy women. (definitely not the rocking chair type!) For some reason, they have blessed me as their dating coach .

You are a man I take it?

My advice would be to decline this role as coach, but continue to listen and learn. You never know when you might need the things you are learning from them. I also advise you to never take advice from me as I have a very poor personal record.

Ha

 

[FinanceDude]

It's a trap..........nobody in their 50's and 60's WANTS advice from someone in their 30's..........no offense................

 

[Fireup2020]

Sorry Ha,

37 yo female (live with one of the 60 something hot chicks)

But I really LIKE men. I relate well with them, and am not afraid to talk about the humanity/humor/sincerity of men (that plus all the fun piggish stuff too!)

I believe their opinions of men are a tad skewed (due to ex-husbands, but are broadening their horizons, and this is changing for the good)

Sex (timing, should they,shouldn't they, etc), what do men want, etc etc etc....what does "dating" mean, at what point are we exclusive, etc etc...

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

You are a man I take it?

No, she's a women according to her profile.

But I would agree with you on the advice to politely and firmly turn down the job of dating coach for your valued friends.

Kinda like telling someone what stocks to buy.

 

[Fireup2020]

Gee whiz, I have told them all about this forum, and that I'd post on this topic - they are looking forward to your answers/tales. I've been answering their questions for about a year now. Must be a woman thing.

 

[W2R]

I have been actively dating since my divorce in 1998, which means I have been dating for over nine years now (I'm 59). So, I should be an expert, I guess?

In the initial stages she should be careful. My advice would be that if you are meeting strangers from internet dating sites (as I have done many times), watch out for those who are not interested in your companionship, so much as in something else. Some men may want your money and have selected you as an older, ostensibly rich target. Some men are foreign born and want to marry you for citizenship or a green card or whatever it is that that gives them. Some men just want easy sex and mistakenly figure that an older woman is desperate. And most common of all (maybe 75%?), many men on these websites who contact older women are married and not being truthful about that. So, use some discretion about who you date and screen them well.

After the initial screening, I haven't had any problems, really. I would advise not to be desperate and not to rush things. You have all the time in the world, and the early stages of dating are wonderful in themselves. No need to catapult into torrid romance or marriage right away. It takes time to build the trust upon which a deeper relationship can be built.

Find out about the man, and find out what HE wants out of the relationship and out of life. And if you seem compatible, then have fun! There is nothing more fun than dating in one's fifties, in my opinion.

 

[haha]

Sorry Ha,

Sex (timing, should they,shouldn't they, etc), what do men want, etc etc etc....what does "dating" mean, at what point are we exclusive, etc etc...

Ah, I misunderstood.

Let me take a hip shot at just a few of these questions. Call it an FAQ. What do men want? As much as they can get with as little cost in terms of commitment as possible. I know, sounds like their x-s. What is dating? Dating is a euphemism for sex. How will I know when we are exclusive? You and he are exclusive until you have strong evidence that he has not understood this element of the relationship.

Last Monday we all went for drinks and a meal after the final class of a dance class I was helping out with. As this was ballroom, most of the people were married couples in their 30s and 40s. One woman there was newly single after a long marriage, and she had been dating a friend of mine for 3 dates. She misunderstood the nature of this relationship, and she was upset that she found a lipstick in his glove compartment. At first I thought her concern was that he was cross dresser or tranny, but it became apparent that she thought he shouldn't have women's stuff in his possession because it implied intimacy with women other than her.

Next she was upset because he wanted her to go to bed with him. I can understand her feeling, and his. While her clothes are terrible she has a passionate intensity that is appealing.

She said they have to have much more than they have before she will consider sex. OK, sounds fine by me- but this guy knows hundreds of women and he is a lifelong bachelor. Maybe he isn't the best candidate for the little house with the picket fence?

I have another friend who will have sex at the drop of her hat, so she is popular. But she is nuts. She has a number of very attractive traits but she really needs a man to support her as she is hopelessly weird in the work area. She is 52, but could pass for 42, well educated and molto sexy. So IMO she should join museums, take sailing lessons, do whatever she can do to put her in contact with well-off divorced or widowed men who will think they died and went to heaven when she gets going on them. So what does she do? Picks up barflies.

I know another woman who was 58, never married in spite of being very intelligent, very good looking, very good job- and she says that she has always wanted to marry. I find her really easy to like and respect. Get this- this one has happy ending- she is getting married this weekend! How did this happen? She put an ad in an online dating service, and got a call from a guy that she had been engaged to and broke off with 40 years ago!

So it seems to me that social relations involving men and women have a large element of randomness. But if nothing else, your friends should get a lot of entertainment out of it, in more ways than one.

Ha

 

[TromboneAl]

politely and firmly turn down the job of dating coach for your valued friends.

Unless you can get a percentage of the "profit." (not the gross profit.)*

* I have no idea what I mean by this.

 

[Fireup2020]

That's what I'm asking for Ha Am I wrong to suspect that there ARE men out there who are actually looking for a partner? (not solely in the bedroom ) Who can accept that there are "good girls" out there (meaning not hopping in the sack right away or without an "exclusive" relationship) ?

 

[TromboneAl]

she was upset that she found a lipstick in his glove compartment.

I told him not to fix the light!

 

[Nords]

That's what I'm asking for Ha Am I wrong to suspect that there ARE men out there who are actually looking for a partner? (not solely in the bedroom ) Who can accept that there are "good girls" out there (meaning not hopping in the sack right away or without an "exclusive" relationship) ?

There are partner-oriented men out there, but probably only after they've worked their way through all the not-so-good girls...

I'm only 46 years old but it would seem that women of my age could afford to be less worried about biological clocks and more concerned with finding the right match. Loneliness is certainly no reason to exchange independence for surrogate parenthood. Perhaps in the 40s and above there wouldn't need to be much time pressure, and it may even be worth working through a few of the not-so-good guys first, right?

My parents-in-law were initially shocked & scandalized by Elderhostel's dating scene, but now they think it's entertaining.

 

[Fireup2020]

Elderhostel has a dating scene? Ooooo - my parents never mentioned that!

 

[haha]

That's what I'm asking for Ha Am I wrong to suspect that there ARE men out there who are actually looking for a partner? (not solely in the bedroom ) Who can accept that there are "good girls" out there (meaning not hopping in the sack right away or without an "exclusive" relationship) ?

I agree with Nords. Mainly I was joking with the FAQ. It is true though that just like divorced women may feel that they have been burned, so do many men in similar situations.

Most of us were happy to be be married, I know I was. Then stuff happens that you don't understand, that makes you feel bad and that often seems intractable.

You really don't want to re-enter that room again! So caution is the word of the day. As far as sex/love goes-love is more important. After all you can have sex with yourself, but loving yourself while important still calls for the addition of another. Also it feels good to love another and care about her.

I think another thing is that divorced people have usually tried to the best of their abilities to work things out with their spouse, but that failed. So it is hard to jump into to compromises and workouts with a new person who you don't love. And you are really tired of that anyway. It may seem better whether it is or not to just keep fishing- even when your goal might be a relationship.

I hope your friends have good luck and good times.

Ha

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Gee whiz, I have told them all about this forum, and that I'd post on this topic - they are looking forward to your answers/tales. I've been answering their questions for about a year now. Must be a woman thing.

I was just kind of half-teasing on the "don't give advice" thing, though I suppose there is some risk in being blamed for well-intended advice that goes sour. Depends on the relationship you have with your friends, no doubt.

I'm not qualified to advise otherwise, being married for 36 years. Still, I could see how dating at this stage of life would bring lots of questions and challenges.

 

[citrine]

Yikes! I am having a hard time dating at 32!!! I can just imagine what it'll be like at 60!

I agree with you Ha....after a certain amount of work and time, you want someone you can click with initially....not someone you have to mold.
I have been on a few dates.....it's easier to be single!

 

[Moemg]

I was widowed at 51 so I was forced to get a new life . I joined any clubs that looked interesting .I took classes and I joined a gym .I met some nice guys and had some fun .Rather than looking for another guy I'd advise anybody who's single to fix up your life and make it interesting .If you meet someone great if not you still have a great life .Don't look at a guy and imagine him married to you ,look at him and imagine just having fun with him.

 

[CyclingInvestor]

Most of us were happy to be be married, I know I was. Then stuff happens that you don't understand, that makes you feel bad and that often seems intractable.

Exactly. I am 49, retired for almost a year and divorced for almost 16 years. The very
minimal dating I have done since then just reinforces that the return on this investment
does not justify the (emotional) cost. Work (programming) and investing were always
trivially easy compared to trying to date. I am much happier having a few very close
friends (mostly female) than trying to navigate the minefield of relationships blind, at
night, and wearing clown shoes.

 

[happy2bretired]

Good advise Moemg. I'm not looking at all so I am concentrating only on my life right now. If someone does come along, it will only be for fun, not marriage. Course who knows what might happen, but, that's how I feel right now.

 

[cho oyu]

I was widowed at 51 so I was forced to get a new life . I joined any clubs that looked interesting .I took classes and I joined a gym .I met some nice guys and had some fun .Rather than looking for another guy I'd advise anybody who's single to fix up your life and make it interesting .If you meet someone great if not you still have a great life .Don't look at a guy and imagine him married to you ,look at him and imagine just having fun with him.

Regardless of age, this holds very true.

Not only do you guarantee yourself an interesting life, but other people will find you more interesting and you'll also tend to meet more interesting people. It doesn't get too much better than that.

 

[haha]

I am much happier having a few very close
friends (mostly female) than trying to navigate the minefield of relationships blind, at
night, and wearing clown shoes.

I have found Birkenstock Londons to take care of the shoe aspect perfectly.

Ha

 

[Dreamer]

I am 54 and will be married for 35 yrs in Oct. I can not imagine trying to go on a date again. I had a hard enough time dating in my teens.

I am going to a wedding tomorrow of a friend who is 60 and who has been widowed for the last 9 years. She is an "old fashioned kind of gal" as she phrased it and agreed to a short engagement, since she does not believe in sex before marriage. Her first spouse was a college professor who also became a lawyer. She has always been nice, but seemed kind of prissy (not quite the word I am going for, but can't think of it) yuppie type. The guy she is marrying is retired Navy and works I believe in security type of work. She has been on a tractor, 4 wheeling, fishing and many other things that were not things she participated in in the past. She seems deliriously happy now and she was also very very happy when married to her first spouse. It is funny how becoming involved with a different person can change your entire life around.

I hope that I don't ever date again, since that would mean that I outlived my DH, but would hope that I would have the courage to do so. I automatically think of all of the negative situations and don't think of all the blessings that could be gained. I need to change my way of thinking regarding this. I am usually a pretty optimistic type of person on most things.

 

[73ss454]

Wow Dreamer DW and I are also 35 years married in Oct. on the 28th to be exact.

 

[Moemg]

[ trying to navigate the minefield of relationships blind, at
night, and wearing clown shoes.[/quote]

I prefer expensive sandals for that job !

 

[SteveR]

I too was widowed at the ripe old age of 51. After resolving my grief I decided I did not want to live the rest of my life alone and started to date again after 30 plus years. My how things had changed in that period of time!

Due to work constraints and my lack of available time (working 14 hour days doing two jobs) I chose to go the internet route to dating to provide a more efficient way to "meet" as many women as I could in my locale without having to spend hours in bars, clubs, grocery stores, social clubs, etc. to do so. It was a wonderful way to sort through hundreds of "potential" dates before actually contacting them for a face to face meeting.

I talked with many women and dated several before being smitten by my now current wife. She had also been dating for some time on the internet and our meeting there was quite by accident (long story). During my dating experience I was also very active on a number of widow/er internet sites and had many female friends with whom I corresponded on a regular basis. I had one very close friend that helped me through some very rough times and helped me understand the female side of dating. She was wonderful in that respect and we are still very good friends even after we both have remarried after being widowed. There is a bond between widowed folks that is hard to describe.

Anyway, dating at 50+ is not the same as dating at 20 or 30 or 40. The basics are similar but age and wisdom provide a better basis for understanding what you are REALLY looking for in a potential mate. The experience was more complex but at the same time less painful.

Good luck.