Divorced, now what?

[omni550]

One of the other threads caught my eye. So many folks here who have been divorced are saying they would never marry again.

I'm wondering if that thinking is fairly common or just the ones who have been most vocal in that thread.

omni

 

[Marathoner]

I got divorced a little over a year ago, at the age of 33.

I hope to find love again. Not sure if that includes marriage or not, but I rather hope it does. However, if it does, I am keeping my last name and getting an iron-clad pre-nup!

In the meantime, I'm living my life as though I will be single for the rest of my life -- a good social circle and self-sufficiency is never a bad thing. I feel I'm young enough yet and you never know what will happen!

 

[ER Eddie]

I divorced about 7 years ago. I don't think I'll ever remarry. Why? Because during the marriage, I felt strongly that this life is not for me. It felt like someone else's life, not mine. Also, I am convinced that had I stayed married, I would never have been in the financial position I am today, prepared to retire early. And third, now that I am financially independent, I'd hate to risk that with marriage, which can lead to loss of half your assets or more. I could do a prenup, I suppose.

I hope to be in love again someday. I hope to have a close, intimate relationship again. That's important to me. Marriage per se is not. I think I'm more comfortable on my own, with a little space.

 

[Mulligan]

I am divorced, but have been in a long term relationship for over 6 years. At this point in life, marriage is just a piece of paper, with no value for either of us. Our plans are to be life long partners and eventually live together once the children are gone on their own for good in a few years. For now, it is really the perfect situation, with both having our own places and space, but only 5 minutes way from each persons residence.

 

[Walt34]

I was divorced at 33/34 (it takes a year in MD). Afterwards I had every intention of remaining hard-core bachelor but remarried five years later. This July it'll be 25 years. Still glad I did.

 

[Dawg52]

Never been married. Still waiting until I'm mature enough to do so.
Got a buddy who is about to go through his 2nd divorce, he is 60. It's going to set him back on retiring for years to come. He says no more marriages for him, but the previous 2 have already done the damage.

 

[check6]

Div at 30 remarried at 58. Loved the time inbetween. Had I not met this lady I would have never remarried. However, I do miss the "alone" time.

 

[Mulligan]

Div at 30 remarried at 58. Loved the time inbetween. Had I not met this lady I would have never remarried. However, I do miss the "alone" time.

That is a good point, on alone time. I lived with people in college, had roommates out of college, then went into marriage. I always assumed being alone met being lonely and a pitiful way to live. It took awhile, but once I started living alone, I definitely have learned to embrace the alone time I have by living by myself. In fact that is one comment my GF and I share when discussing living together. Both of us have gotten used to our space with our own little castles, so we are worried about possibly getting on each others nerves.

 

[killingme]

I think chuckanut laid it out fairly well. I waited to get married until I was in my mid thirties. Based on folks info here it seems they fell into what I had seen with my friends and peers, married early, divorced and often remarried while I was the friend who didn't have a care in the world and was a bad influence on them.

Been married over twenty years now but if something happened, I would go back to being the bad influence again! Heck the DW and I have talked about becoming DINO's (divorced in name only) if there was a sufficient financial incentive! (and requires a huge amount of trust).

 

[W2R]

That is a good point, on alone time. I lived with people in college, had roommates out of college, then went into marriage. I always assumed being alone met being lonely and a pitiful way to live. It took awhile, but once I started living alone, I definitely have learned to embrace the alone time I have by living by myself. In fact that is one comment my GF and I share when discussing living together. Both of us have gotten used to our space with our own little castles, so we are worried about possibly getting on each others nerves.

F and I are in no hurry to shack up either. We enjoy our alone time, and if/when we would prefer to be together, we get together. Pretty simple. We can afford to live in separate homes, so this works for us and we have no immediate intention of changing our present situation.

 

[Mulligan]

F and I are in no hurry to shack up either. We enjoy our alone time, and if/when we would prefer to be together, we get together. Pretty simple. We can afford to live in separate homes, so this works for us and we have no immediate intention of changing our present situation.

W2R- Did you find your perspective on living alone change as you got older, or did you immediately embrace the idea? It took me about a year until I embraced it.

 

[freebird5825]

I voted "Something else".

I was never the "marrying type". However, when my then live-in BF proposed to me at the age of 21 (he was 25), I accepted. His proposal was not the first I had received in my life. It was the only one I ever took seriously. It was the only proposal he had ever made.

I made the poor guy wait 4 years until I went down the aisle. Nothing against him. I was too free a spirit to become a Mrs. plus my parents' divorce was a real nightmare in my own family. He understood and waited patiently. Smart man!

20 years later, I lost him to a heart attack. So by default, I was spared the non-closure of divorce. That may seem very strange to read, but think about it.

These days, Mr B and I are happy to cohabitate without the marriage license. We may change our minds, we may not. It's not that important at this stage of our lives. We have declared our intentions to be together TDDUP, so why bring in the overhead of the license and the legal ramifications of marriage ?

It makes no sense in this divorce ridden society. I've seen way too many financially crippling divorces happen among my peers. Pass

 

[SumDay]

DH and I have no plans to divorce but if we did, or if he passes before I do, I am fairly confident I will die as a single person. At this point in my life, I have such a long list of requirements that I really doubt anyone would pass the test. I don't mind my own company at all.

 

[W2R]

W2R- Did you find your perspective on living alone change as you got older, or did you immediately embrace the idea? It took me about a year until I embraced it.

When I was young, I was a little scared of being alone so much. Then I married and spent 23 years as a wife and mother. My ex was a sea-going man, so he was gone more than he was at home. Still, I had my daughter living with me so I was never alone. I really didn't have much (any?) "alone time" or "me time" during those years.

I didn't know what I thought about being alone when I first divorced at age 50, back in 1998. But by 2000, when Frank and I first met through a internet dating/match website, I had been living alone for a while and found out that I liked living alone. So, about 5 minutes into our first face-to-face meeting I told him that re-marriage was out of the question, as was shacking up, and if he wanted to re-marry we needed to cut things off immediately. I told him my vision of a deeply committed relationship that didn't require paper from the government or smothering one another with too much time together. Much to me surprise and relief, he was OK with that and thought it was great that I knew exactly what I wanted.

The rest is history.

Through the years we have come to recognize that we might end up living together some day, especially when we get to the age where we need to take care of one another. But for now, this is working for us.

 

[Moemg]

I voted "something else " . I was divorced in my early 30's . Remarried at 39 and widowed at 51 . I have been in a long term relationship for 13 years . Two years of dating and then we moved in together . We have discussed marriage and even got engaged but I chickened out ( nice ring He even hid it on the Christmas tree in an ornament ). Our relationship is solid and we have done all the paper work for power of attorney & health care surrogate . What the future brings I have no idea but it's nice to have your best friend close at hand .

 

[hakuna matata]

Got married to my first wife very young-19! And was married for 20+ years, unfortunately we just grew apart. With my first wife I was set to retire at a normal retirement age as she didn't want to go back to work, etc and it is tougher to get FI with one income, doable but tougher. Got divorced in my early 40's and she got the equity in the house and I got my 401k.

Met my current wife a few years later and about a year later we were discussing our 401k's, etc and we both had the epiphany that together we were awfully close to FI! We both maxed out our 401k's each year and both bought an IRA so for me getting divorced has been a godsend. By getting divorced I am retiring about 10 years earlier than I would have if I had stay married. I do think I am probably an anomaly as I think getting divorced for most people is a major setback. But if you get lucky like I did, and find the right woman, life is grand!

 

[haha]

Met my current wife a few years later and about a year later we were discussing our 401k's, etc and we both had the epiphany that together we were awfully close to FI!

My god, that is romantic! And obviously quite effective.

Ha

 

[hakuna matata]

My god, that is romantic! And obviously quite effective.

Ha

It was sort of eye opening I will have to admit. She was single before we met and was basically planning on her own retirement so it never crossed her mind to discuss it with me. I was used to being the only one who handled the 401k with my first wife so it never occurred to me that my current wife might have a 401k. So one day we were discussing money, etc. and it came up and we shared the amounts we had and both were like 'duh!'

I freely admit I got very lucky with my current wife. She is a good fit for me on many levels but money is a big part of that. We are both frugal but (unlike it seems many on here) we don't mind spending money on certain things. But we both tend to analyze the decision before springing forward on spending the cash. I appreciate that I can discuss with her whether 'this' or 'that' is a better use of the dollars and we can come to consensus. I did not have that in my first marriage so I truly do value it here.

Plus she is cute and sexy

 

[haha]

Plus she is cute and sexy

Best of all, in my book. Congratulations!

Especially as I get older I realize what a gift it is to have a woman that lights your fire.

Ha

 

[obgyn65]

Never married here therefore never divorced. I guess I lucked out

 

[SumDay]

Through the years we have come to recognize that we might end up living together some day, especially when we get to the age where we need to take care of one another. But for now, this is working for us.

OMG, I am so envious of this. I need my alone time, and I also find it very fulfilling to actually get to touch the remote control on occasion.

 

[haha]

In reply to the initial question, "Divorced, now what?'' I would say get married again asap. Family lawyers need a farm team.

BTW, what would be "something else", not covered by the choices? Gone gay, and my state does not allow me to marry?

Ha

 

[omni550]

BTW, what would be "something else", not covered by the choices? Gone gay, and my state does not allow me to marry?

Ha

I suppose that could be a potential answer.


omni

 

[Badger]

I remarried 5 years after being single again. It took a couple of years after the divorce to be comfortable with dating but then it became an interesting experience with so many opportunities. I don't see my present marriage ending until one of us is no longer living. If I'm still around then I don't see me wanting to break in another wife. I'm getting too long in the tooth for that.

Cheers!

 

[seraphim]

DW and I met at 17, married at 21 , and just FIRE'd and celebrated our 36th anniversary together. It's kind of amazing, as I'm rather an extreme INTJ personality. Alone time has never been an issue, because we can be quietly alone together. Should anything happen that we're no longer together, and I can't envision a divorce, I see no possibility of remarriage because she could not be replaced. I doubt I would ever even date, because I would still be married - no matter what.