It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with BSE
is located among the millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture
in charge of immigration.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead, this is for you... :D

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guress I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a leasbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. AS soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everyting makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

The cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Amazing Claude
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hipnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotist who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations,"
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"shiit!" "Opps" said the hypnotist.
... It took three weeks to clean up the theater
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is a my Thursday contribution. Sorry if it offends anyone. :-\
 

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How does a young doctor see an 80 year old woman for most of her life?
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I just thought it was a senior moment!

You may be right though.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty... "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first, it was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mama Bear who made the coffee, it was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mama Bear who set the table, it was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time... I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy notices a sign for a circus that says "See the amazing Bernstein!" He goes to the circus, and at the end, amid great fanfare, they bring Berstein out to the center ring. There, on a table are three walnuts.

The middle-aged Berstein pulls out his massive organ, and smashes the walnuts, bing, bang, boom. The crowd goes wild.

Fifty years later, the guy sees that the same circus is in town again with the same sign: "See the amazing Bernstein!"

He's amazed that Berstein is still around, and goes to see the show. At then end, they bring out the elderly Berstein, and this time, there are three coconuts on the table! The same thing takes place -- he whips out his organ and smashes the three coconuts, bing, bang, boom.

The guy is amazed, and after the show goes to Berstein's dressing room to congratulate him. He asks "One thing I don't understand. Fifty years ago you smashed walnuts, and now you are smashing coconuts. Why is that?"

"Vell," replied Berstein, "The eyesight isn't vhat it used to be!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ex-Jarhead walked into a jeweler's shop late one Saturday afternoon with a beautiful blonde young lady at his side and a bag containing six loaves of wheat bread. ;)

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," Jarhead told him.

At that, the jeweler got his special stock from his safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The blondes' eyes sparkled, and Jarhead said that he would take it.

The jeweler asked, "How are you paying?"

Jarhead told him, "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank first thing Monday morning and we will pick it up when you open. What time is that?'

"10:00 AM", replied the jeweler. "I'll see you then."

Monday morning a very disgusted jeweler phones Jarhead. "You lied, sir. There is no money in that account!"

Jarhead: "Yeah, I know. But I had one Hell of a Saturday night!!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo! said:
Jarhead: "Yeah, I know.  But I had one Hell of a Saturday night!!"
Click to expand...

My man, you are good!  :)

Ha
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo! said:
Jarhead: "Yeah, I know.  But I had one Hell of a Saturday night!!"
Click to expand...

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Wheat Bread, "the nectar of the Gods". ;)
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ex-Jarhead walks into the local SS office carrying six loaves of wheat bread. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. I hate being retired and drawing SS! I'd really rather have a job and work for a living".

The man behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. I happen to know about a job opening. A very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

Jarhead says, "You're BS'ing me".

The SS clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A lady walks up to a pharmacist and asked to buy a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy--I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law.
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds
of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at
the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down next to ex-Jarhead. She noticed he had a bag full of whole wheat bread and was staring at his watch. "Is your date late?", she asked.

"No" Jarhead replied. "I just bought a new, state of the art watch, and I'm testing it."

Curious, the woman asked, "State of the art, huh? What's so special about it?"

"Well", Jarhead said, "besides telling time, it speaks to me telepathically."

"Really?", she said, "what's it telling you now?"

"It's telling me you're not wearing any underwear."

"Well it's wrong, because I AM wearing underwear!"

Jarhead taps his watch and replies "Hmm....darn thing must be an hour fast."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It was ex-Jarhead's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a envelope containing $200.

At the second house they presented him with a gift certificate for six rounds of golf. The folks at the third house handed him an assortment of terrific fishing gear.

At the fourth house Jarhead was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She told him to put down his mailbag (which also held six loaves of wheat bread), then took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where they had the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When Jarhead had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," Jarhead said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He told me, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Adding breakfast was my idea." ;)
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

That ex-jarhead sure has a lot of adventures  :eek:
I'm thinking about getting six loaves of bread to carry around.  8)
Apparently it's the new Viagra!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo--

Either you area really good comedian, or you have really big collection that you can adapt to Jarhead's persona.

I imagine he must be enjoying this quite a bit.  :) Keep 'em coming. It beats TinTin anyday.
Ha
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ex-Jarhead walks into a restaurant carrying a bag containing six loaves of wheat bread with a half-grown ostrich following behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. Jarheard says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and Jarheaerd reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, Jarhead and the ostrich come again and he orders a hamburger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again Jarhead reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says Jarhead. "Same," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again Jarhead pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," Jarhead tells her, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right", says Jarhead. "Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

Jarhead sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
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