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Originally Posted by ex-Jarhead
Honkie and Eagle 43:* Stop, you're killing me!  |
Glad you liked them, here's some more........
Useful Tips for Everyday life.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply thinkof your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to 'switchtracks' simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirateDVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
Actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going
to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to True print.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees wrapped in a baby mattress incase they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself
by Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every otherday.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home atexactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.
Hybrid Mode
