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DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply thinkof your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to 'switchtracks' simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirateDVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
Actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going
to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to True print.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees wrapped in a baby mattress incase they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every otherday.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home atexactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down
the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind
him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to
answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the
women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving
until he got it.
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he
liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases,
and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard
that all the men were talking about having to go to
the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable,
and THAT was the girl he wanted.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to
pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to
the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall
dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the
madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam
stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only
girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one
of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave,
I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to
be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get
the disease that I just caught.
When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones,
and he'll catch the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning
when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it,
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
__________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
The retired guy is at the docs office, he says doc my genitals are turning orange, the doc looks and is surprised how orange he is. The doc asks, do you handle chemicals at work?, no the retiree says, are you exposed to chemicals at work at all, no he says, I'm retired,* well the doc says what do you do all day? Not much just sit around the house watching porn flicks and eating Cheeto's.
>> HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
>> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
>> prolong life; is this true?
>> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
>> that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
>> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
>> heart will not make you live longer; that's like
>> saying you can extend the life of your car by
>> driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
>> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
>> a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
>> Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
>> efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
>> system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
>> source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
>> pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
>> daily allowance of vegetable products.
>> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
>> is distilled wine, that means they take the water
>> out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
>> goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
>> Bottoms up!
>> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
>> ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
>> ratio is two to one, etc.
>> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
>> in a regular exercise program?
>> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
>> is: No Pain...Good!
>> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these
>> days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
>> it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
>> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
>> little soft around the middle?
>> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
>> gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
>> want a bigger stomach.
>> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>> A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another
>> vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
>> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
>> whales to me.
>> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>> A: H ey! 'Round' is a shape!
>> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
>> you may have had about
>> food and diets.
>> And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the
>> grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
>> attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
>> skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
>> chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
>> totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
__________________ Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Yogi: "I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation.
The other half is the part people play while others are playing
something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if
you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it
might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too
right, it's wrong."
Interviewer: "I don't understand."
Yogi: "Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand
it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it."
Interviewer: "Do you understand it?"
Yogi: "No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I
wouldn't know anything about it."
Interviewer: "Are there any great jazz players alive today?"
Yogi: "No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except
for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that
the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are
Some would kill for it."
Interviewer: "What is syncopation?"
Yogi: "That's when the note that you should hear now happens either
before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they
happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of
music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something
different from those other kinds."
Interviewer: "Now I really don't understand."
Yogi: "I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz
I look to the present moment because that's where I live my life.
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Fake dog testicles win acclaim at Ig Nobels 'Star Wars' watching locusts and dripping tar studies also honored
The Associated Press
Updated: 9:52 p.m. ET Oct. 6, 2005
BOSTON - Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.
What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business. And on Thursday night Miller’s efforts earned him a dubious yet strangely coveted honor: the Ig Nobel Prize for medicine.
“Considering my parents thought I was an idiot when I was a kid, this is a great honor,” he said. “I wish they were alive to see it.”
The Ig Nobels, given at Harvard University by Annals of Improbable Research magazine, celebrate the humorous, creative and odd side of science.
Miller has sold more than 150,000 of his Neuticles, more than doubling his $500,000 investment. The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness. The product’s Web site says Neuticles allow a pet “to retain his natural look” and “self esteem.”
Although the Ig Nobels are not exactly prestigious, many recipients are, like Miller, happy to win.
“Most scientists — no matter what they’re doing, good or bad — never get any attention at all,” said Marc Abrahams, editor of the Annals of Improbable Research.
Some, like Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide in Australia, who won the biology prize, actually nominated their own work. “I’ve been a fan of the Ig Nobels for a while,” he said.
Smith’s team studied and catalogued different scents emitted by more than 100 species of frogs under stress. Some smelled like cashews, while others smelled like licorice, mint or rotting fish.
He recalled getting strange looks when he’d show up at zoos asking to smell the frogs. “I’ve been turned away at the gate,” he said.
This year’s other Ig Nobel winners include:
# Physics: Since 1927, researchers at the University of Queensland in Australia have been tracking a glob of congealed black tar as it drips through a funnel — at a rate of one drop every nine years.
# Peace: Two researchers at Newcastle University in England monitored the brain activity of locusts as they watched clips from the movie “Star Wars.”
# Chemistry: An experiment at the University of Minnesota was designed to prove whether people can swim faster or slower in syrup than in water.
The Ig Nobel for literature went to the Nigerians who introduced millions of e-mail users to a “cast of rich characters ... each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled.”
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension...and yes, numbers is hard
A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Reminds me of how much I miss Mujibar and Sirajul.
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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