REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
The plumber's truck is a classic! Really tickled the Sir Thomas out of me.
The plumber's truck is a classic! Really tickled the Sir Thomas out of me.
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
- Start date
- Status
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Glad you liked them, here's some more........
Useful Tips for Everyday life.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply thinkof your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to 'switchtracks' simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirateDVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
Actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going
to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to True print.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees wrapped in a baby mattress incase they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself
by Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every otherday.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home atexactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.
ex-Jarhead said:Honkie and Eagle 43: Stop, you're killing me!
Glad you liked them, here's some more........
Useful Tips for Everyday life.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply thinkof your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to 'switchtracks' simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirateDVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
Actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going
to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to True print.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees wrapped in a baby mattress incase they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself
by Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every otherday.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home atexactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.
Outtahere
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2005
- Messages
- 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
THE FROG *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down
the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind
him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to
answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the
women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving
until he got it.
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he
liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases,
and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard
that all the men were talking about having to go to
the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable,
and THAT was the girl he wanted.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to
pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to
the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall
dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the
madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam
stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only
girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one
of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave,
I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to
be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get
the disease that I just caught.
When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones,
and he'll catch the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning
when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it,
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
THE FROG *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down
the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind
him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to
answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the
women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving
until he got it.
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he
liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases,
and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard
that all the men were talking about having to go to
the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable,
and THAT was the girl he wanted.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to
pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to
the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall
dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the
madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam
stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only
girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one
of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave,
I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to
be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get
the disease that I just caught.
When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones,
and he'll catch the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning
when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it,
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Outtahere
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2005
- Messages
- 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Carlos calls his boss in the morning:
"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got
headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I no work today."
The boss says:
"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel
like this I make love to my wife . That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls:
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at
work soon. And by the way, you got nice house."
Carlos calls his boss in the morning:
"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got
headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I no work today."
The boss says:
"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel
like this I make love to my wife . That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls:
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at
work soon. And by the way, you got nice house."
T
TromboneAl
Guest
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Guy goes to a bar with a frog on his shoulder. He sees a beautiful woman there and tells her "If you come home with me, this frog will make love to you!"
The woman is intrigued, and can't resist the urge to find out about the frog that can make love to women, so she goes home with the man.
When they get there, she takes off her clothes and the man says to the frog:
"OK, make love to her!"
Nothing happens -- the frog just sits there.
"C'mon make love to her!!"
Again, nothing happens. Finally, the man lets out a big sigh and says
"OK, Froggie, I'll show you one more time."
Guy goes to a bar with a frog on his shoulder. He sees a beautiful woman there and tells her "If you come home with me, this frog will make love to you!"
The woman is intrigued, and can't resist the urge to find out about the frog that can make love to women, so she goes home with the man.
When they get there, she takes off her clothes and the man says to the frog:
"OK, make love to her!"
Nothing happens -- the frog just sits there.
"C'mon make love to her!!"
Again, nothing happens. Finally, the man lets out a big sigh and says
"OK, Froggie, I'll show you one more time."
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Is is soo great to start the day laughing!
Thanks again, for more funny jokes Thursdays.
Ha
Is is soo great to start the day laughing!
Thanks again, for more funny jokes Thursdays.
Ha
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
The retired guy is at the docs office, he says doc my genitals are turning orange, the doc looks and is surprised how orange he is. The doc asks, do you handle chemicals at work?, no the retiree says, are you exposed to chemicals at work at all, no he says, I'm retired, well the doc says what do you do all day? Not much just sit around the house watching porn flicks and eating Cheeto's.
The retired guy is at the docs office, he says doc my genitals are turning orange, the doc looks and is surprised how orange he is. The doc asks, do you handle chemicals at work?, no the retiree says, are you exposed to chemicals at work at all, no he says, I'm retired, well the doc says what do you do all day? Not much just sit around the house watching porn flicks and eating Cheeto's.
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
During a visit to a psychiatric hospital, a visitor asked the Director,
"What is the criterion that defines a patient who needs to to be
sectioned?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the
bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)
During a visit to a psychiatric hospital, a visitor asked the Director,
"What is the criterion that defines a patient who needs to to be
sectioned?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the
bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
>> HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
>>
>> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
>> prolong life; is this true?
>>
>> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
>> that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
>> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
>> heart will not make you live longer; that's like
>> saying you can extend the life of your car by
>> driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
>> vegetables?
>>
>> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
>> a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
>> Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
>> efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
>> system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
>> source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
>> pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
>> daily allowance of vegetable products.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>>
>> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
>> is distilled wine, that means they take the water
>> out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
>> goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
>> Bottoms up!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>>
>> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
>> ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
>> ratio is two to one, etc.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
>> in a regular exercise program?
>>
>> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
>> is: No Pain...Good!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>>
>> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these
>> days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
>> it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
>> you?
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
>> little soft around the middle?
>>
>> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
>> gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
>> want a bigger stomach.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>>
>> A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another
>> vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>>
>> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
>> whales to me.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>>
>> A: H ey! 'Round' is a shape!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
>> you may have had about
>> food and diets.
>>
>> And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the
>> grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
>> attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
>> skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
>> chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
>> totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
>> Ride!"
>>
>> HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
>>
>> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
>> prolong life; is this true?
>>
>> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
>> that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
>> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
>> heart will not make you live longer; that's like
>> saying you can extend the life of your car by
>> driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
>> vegetables?
>>
>> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
>> a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
>> Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
>> efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
>> system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
>> source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
>> pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
>> daily allowance of vegetable products.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>>
>> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
>> is distilled wine, that means they take the water
>> out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
>> goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
>> Bottoms up!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>>
>> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
>> ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
>> ratio is two to one, etc.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
>> in a regular exercise program?
>>
>> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
>> is: No Pain...Good!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>>
>> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these
>> days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
>> it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
>> you?
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
>> little soft around the middle?
>>
>> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
>> gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
>> want a bigger stomach.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>>
>> A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another
>> vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>>
>> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
>> whales to me.
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>>
>> A: H ey! 'Round' is a shape!
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>>
>> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
>> you may have had about
>> food and diets.
>>
>> And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the
>> grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
>> attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
>> skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
>> chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
>> totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
>> Ride!"
>>
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A few years back the guys on CarTalk read from an article that said that if you excercise 30 minutes a day you can extend your life by an average of 2 years.
Guess what, if you start at age 20 and keep going to age 80, 30 minutes a day computes to 1.25 years. If you hate excercise, then BIG DEAL!!
A few years back the guys on CarTalk read from an article that said that if you excercise 30 minutes a day you can extend your life by an average of 2 years.
Guess what, if you start at age 20 and keep going to age 80, 30 minutes a day computes to 1.25 years. If you hate excercise, then BIG DEAL!!
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A nude man, covered in Saran Wrap, walks up to the receptionist at a psychiatrist's office.
"I need to see a doctor!" declared the man.
"OK", replied the receptionist. "Clearly I can see your nuts."
A nude man, covered in Saran Wrap, walks up to the receptionist at a psychiatrist's office.
"I need to see a doctor!" declared the man.
"OK", replied the receptionist. "Clearly I can see your nuts."
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Yogi Berra on jazz
Interviewer: "Can you explain jazz?"
Yogi: "I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation.
The other half is the part people play while others are playing
something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if
you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it
might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too
right, it's wrong."
Interviewer: "I don't understand."
Yogi: "Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand
it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it."
Interviewer: "Do you understand it?"
Yogi: "No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I
wouldn't know anything about it."
Interviewer: "Are there any great jazz players alive today?"
Yogi: "No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except
for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that
the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are
dead.
Some would kill for it."
Interviewer: "What is syncopation?"
Yogi: "That's when the note that you should hear now happens either
before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they
happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of
music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something
different from those other kinds."
Interviewer: "Now I really don't understand."
Yogi: "I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz
that well."
Yogi Berra on jazz
Interviewer: "Can you explain jazz?"
Yogi: "I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation.
The other half is the part people play while others are playing
something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if
you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it
might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too
right, it's wrong."
Interviewer: "I don't understand."
Yogi: "Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand
it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it."
Interviewer: "Do you understand it?"
Yogi: "No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I
wouldn't know anything about it."
Interviewer: "Are there any great jazz players alive today?"
Yogi: "No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except
for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that
the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are
dead.
Some would kill for it."
Interviewer: "What is syncopation?"
Yogi: "That's when the note that you should hear now happens either
before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they
happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of
music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something
different from those other kinds."
Interviewer: "Now I really don't understand."
Yogi: "I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz
that well."
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Fake dog testicles win acclaim at Ig Nobels
'Star Wars' watching locusts and dripping tar studies also honored
The Associated Press
Updated: 9:52 p.m. ET Oct. 6, 2005
BOSTON - Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.
What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business. And on Thursday night Miller’s efforts earned him a dubious yet strangely coveted honor: the Ig Nobel Prize for medicine.
“Considering my parents thought I was an idiot when I was a kid, this is a great honor,” he said. “I wish they were alive to see it.”
The Ig Nobels, given at Harvard University by Annals of Improbable Research magazine, celebrate the humorous, creative and odd side of science.
Miller has sold more than 150,000 of his Neuticles, more than doubling his $500,000 investment. The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness. The product’s Web site says Neuticles allow a pet “to retain his natural look” and “self esteem.”
Although the Ig Nobels are not exactly prestigious, many recipients are, like Miller, happy to win.
“Most scientists — no matter what they’re doing, good or bad — never get any attention at all,” said Marc Abrahams, editor of the Annals of Improbable Research.
Some, like Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide in Australia, who won the biology prize, actually nominated their own work. “I’ve been a fan of the Ig Nobels for a while,” he said.
Smith’s team studied and catalogued different scents emitted by more than 100 species of frogs under stress. Some smelled like cashews, while others smelled like licorice, mint or rotting fish.
He recalled getting strange looks when he’d show up at zoos asking to smell the frogs. “I’ve been turned away at the gate,” he said.
This year’s other Ig Nobel winners include:
# Physics: Since 1927, researchers at the University of Queensland in Australia have been tracking a glob of congealed black tar as it drips through a funnel — at a rate of one drop every nine years.
# Peace: Two researchers at Newcastle University in England monitored the brain activity of locusts as they watched clips from the movie “Star Wars.”
# Chemistry: An experiment at the University of Minnesota was designed to prove whether people can swim faster or slower in syrup than in water.
The Ig Nobel for literature went to the Nigerians who introduced millions of e-mail users to a “cast of rich characters ... each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled.”
Fake dog testicles win acclaim at Ig Nobels
'Star Wars' watching locusts and dripping tar studies also honored
The Associated Press
Updated: 9:52 p.m. ET Oct. 6, 2005
BOSTON - Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.
What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business. And on Thursday night Miller’s efforts earned him a dubious yet strangely coveted honor: the Ig Nobel Prize for medicine.
“Considering my parents thought I was an idiot when I was a kid, this is a great honor,” he said. “I wish they were alive to see it.”
The Ig Nobels, given at Harvard University by Annals of Improbable Research magazine, celebrate the humorous, creative and odd side of science.
Miller has sold more than 150,000 of his Neuticles, more than doubling his $500,000 investment. The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness. The product’s Web site says Neuticles allow a pet “to retain his natural look” and “self esteem.”
Although the Ig Nobels are not exactly prestigious, many recipients are, like Miller, happy to win.
“Most scientists — no matter what they’re doing, good or bad — never get any attention at all,” said Marc Abrahams, editor of the Annals of Improbable Research.
Some, like Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide in Australia, who won the biology prize, actually nominated their own work. “I’ve been a fan of the Ig Nobels for a while,” he said.
Smith’s team studied and catalogued different scents emitted by more than 100 species of frogs under stress. Some smelled like cashews, while others smelled like licorice, mint or rotting fish.
He recalled getting strange looks when he’d show up at zoos asking to smell the frogs. “I’ve been turned away at the gate,” he said.
This year’s other Ig Nobel winners include:
# Physics: Since 1927, researchers at the University of Queensland in Australia have been tracking a glob of congealed black tar as it drips through a funnel — at a rate of one drop every nine years.
# Peace: Two researchers at Newcastle University in England monitored the brain activity of locusts as they watched clips from the movie “Star Wars.”
# Chemistry: An experiment at the University of Minnesota was designed to prove whether people can swim faster or slower in syrup than in water.
The Ig Nobel for literature went to the Nigerians who introduced millions of e-mail users to a “cast of rich characters ... each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled.”
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right
"there."(Click on the "link".) <http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg>
A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right
"there."(Click on the "link".) <http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg>
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America".
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar did not get in to the US, but don't feel sorry for him. He has a very good job working at a Dell help desk.
Cut-Throat talked to him yesterday.
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America".
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar did not get in to the US, but don't feel sorry for him. He has a very good job working at a Dell help desk.
Cut-Throat talked to him yesterday.
OP
OP
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Reminds me of how much I miss Mujibar and Sirajul.
Reminds me of how much I miss Mujibar and Sirajul.
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."
Outtahere
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2005
- Messages
- 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to
see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes,
up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So ... do you think we should ... well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to
see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes,
up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So ... do you think we should ... well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other
Outtahere
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2005
- Messages
- 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.
PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.
RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.
DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.
BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).
CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.
CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw heads at high speed.
ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.
TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail. Principally used for decoration.
CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
SABER SAW: See Hacksaw.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
XYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS .
TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallel.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
HAMMER (alt.): Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues
to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions
in wooden surfaces of all kinds.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
UTILITY KNIFE (alt.): Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.
PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.
RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.
DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.
BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).
CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.
CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw heads at high speed.
ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.
TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail. Principally used for decoration.
CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
SABER SAW: See Hacksaw.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
XYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS .
TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallel.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
HAMMER (alt.): Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues
to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions
in wooden surfaces of all kinds.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
UTILITY KNIFE (alt.): Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
JPatrick
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2005
- Messages
- 2,610
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Job?? With skills like that he should be a supa wiser
REWahoo! said:Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America".
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar did not get in to the US, but don't feel sorry for him. He has a very good job working at a Dell help desk.
Cut-Throat talked to him yesterday.
Job?? With skills like that he should be a supa wiser
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Great jokes Outtahere! Are you a machinist or something? Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.
Ha
Outtahere said:
Great jokes Outtahere! Are you a machinist or something? Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.
Ha
- Status
