It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Bestwifeever]

A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing Is moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress and they're asking for a $100 million
dollar ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a gallon."

 

[frayne]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!












The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.












Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.












My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."












Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."












Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."












The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.












A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"












I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."












My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.












I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.












There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.












The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

 

[jIMOh]

I have an announcement. To the man who lost the gold Rolex watch with the diamond encrusted face - it is now 9:20 AM.

 

[jIMOh]

Not sure how to embed, so just posting the link.

 

[braumeister]

I always wondered how crazy old cat ladies got started.
That explains it.

 

[travelover]

...........Not sure how to embed, so just posting the link.

 

[Nuiloa]

Tenjuberrymud


Actual Room Service order in the Philippines

Room Service (RS): "Morny, Ruin Sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service."
RS: Rye...Ruinsorbees...morny! Djuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un...Yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"
means.
RS: Toes! Toes!...Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish moppig we
bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast!" Fine.
Yes an english muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No...just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...Tea...Mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that's all.
RS: One minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy inglish moppig we bother honey sign, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You're welcome.

 

[Nemo2]

An oldie but goodie:

[youtube]ZChycU5gobg[/youtube]

 

[Nuiloa]

Best Christmas Carol of all time:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="Porky Pig- Blue Christmas - YouTube" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

[mickeyd]

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon , A Jamaican proctologist.

 

[bruce1]

Merry Christmas

 

[bruce1]

WINTER Poem

It's winter time in Canada

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Canada

Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!


Have a great day...


98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH ****" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

 

[Onward]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

[brewer12345]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"

 

[NW-Bound]

"How do you feel about women's rights?


I like either side of them" - Groucho Marx


Can one ever have enough of Groucho Marx?

 

[mickeyd]

'I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election - erection - election - erection
- - - either way we're getting screwed!'

-- Bette Midler​

 

[Nuiloa]

A seasonal tidbit:
http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05/11/egreetings/image/01.swf

 

[Nemo2]

Conversion Factors


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi



2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton




3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope




4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond




5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram




6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong




7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year




8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling




9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon




10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz




11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower




12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line




13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake




14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone




15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle




16. 365 days = 1 unicycle




17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds




18. 10 cards = 1 decacard




19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard




20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton




21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen




22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche




23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin




24. 10 rations = 1 decaration




25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration




26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram




27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms




28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

 

[Alan]

Conversion Factors


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi



2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton




3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope




4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond




5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram




6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong




7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year




8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling




9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon




10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz




11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower




12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line




13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake




14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone




15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle




16. 365 days = 1 unicycle




17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds




18. 10 cards = 1 decacard




19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard




20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton




21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen




22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche




23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin




24. 10 rations = 1 decaration




25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration




26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram




27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms




28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

29. 1 millihelen = beauty needed to launch 1 ship

 

[bbbamI]

....

 

[bruce1]

Canadian Boxing Day Picture and Other Stuff



And They Say Canadians Don't Brag.....

So,
What do we Canadians
Have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
Down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population
That never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population
That never Ever surrendered or withdrew
During any war to anyone, anywhere.EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
Prevailed in ALL the wars)


14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
Lasted a little over an hour.


15. The only person who was arrested in our
Civil war was an American mercenary, he
Slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
Around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and
Devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk...

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
Zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
Also short wave radios which save countless
Lives each year.

22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
Something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass
(Incidently... So does our beer)

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough
To fit your hands in with mitts on.

OOOoohhhhh..... Canada !!

 

[sheldon cornped]

I just got off the phone with friend living in Buffalo near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.



The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.



His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare for Hours.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[Onward]

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[REWahoo]

Photo reveals circumstances leading to death of Dear Leader:

Kim Jong Il reacts with shock as military leaders reveal new North Korean "Secret Weapon"....

 

[NW-Bound]

No, Kim Jong Il was not shocked, just pondering how his chefs could use these giant cucumbers in a dish with the giant rabbits he obtained from a German farmer named Karl Szmolinsky.

This farmer was happy to sell his largest prize rabbits which weighed as much as 20lbs to the North Korean, thinking the latter would breed them to ease their famine. Much to the farmer's chagrin, this was what he found out later.

A few weeks later a journalist from London called me. He'd just got back from the birthday celebrations of Kim Jong-il and said he'd seen my rabbits, including Robert. They were being eaten by the leader and his guests. It's clear to me now that the whole thing was a big scam. They sent in their ministers and invented a story to trick me, just so they could put on a fancy banquet for their leader. In my opinion all politicians are bandits. They're definitely not getting any more of my rabbits.​

Read More:Hennessy, Giant Rabbits, and Mythical Rice: On Kim Jong Il's Strange Eating Habits: BA Daily: Blogs : bonappetit.com

When dealing with Kim Jong Il, one could never be sure that he did not have the last laugh.