It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Plagiarized from another forum:

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck

Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck

I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns

Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

........ And to finish:

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
 
CaptTom said:
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
Click to expand...

This is one I've been thinking about lately.
Bush, Clinton, and Trump were all born within a couple of months of me.

[shudder]
 
A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 
street said:
A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Click to expand...

Its amazing how some jokes get better with age, and some don't:facepalm:.
Now I can't get that dang song out of my head:(.
 
An honest lawyer....

An Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
 
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good,

but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he
says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

“No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
 
your Dogs IQ

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
 
sent to me via email:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.
 
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table.

The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice!

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.

Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:

"Pardon me, ma'am. But I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
 
A couple married 50 years go back to the same restaurant where they first had dinner together. She gazes at her hubby and says, I still have the same warm feeling that I had fifty years ago. Husband, says, but this time it is becaouse your tits are hanging in the soup.
 

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
Gee whizzz...and other stuff....

NASA's requirements for becoming an astronaut are stringent, but not overly daunting. Essentially, hopefuls must have a bachelor's degree in science, be physically fit, and stand between 58.5 and 76 inches tall. What NASA doesn't mention, however, are the intangibles. You can probably think of a few: coolness under pressure, a problem-solving mentality, and the ability to work in a team setting. But one trait you might not consider is a strong stomach. The following stories illustrate why that definitely can come in handy.

Why Space Travel Can Be Absolutely Disgusting
 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
 
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas
once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a
long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her
oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to
the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30
grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.
 
A Southern farmer went down to his orchard to pick some peaches, heard a ruckus over at his pond and found several coeds skinny dipping. After making his presence known, he told the girls to enjoy the pond, don't litter, etc. and he would be picking for a few more hours. He left, picked many bushels and returned with a basket hour later. The coeds were still there, he reminded them to clean up when they left, he was leaving, to enjoy the beautiful pond and the moment, as it was memorable for the rest of their lives.

He then dumped the bushel basket of peaches in the water and started to walk away. One of the girls hollered and asked why he dumped the peaches. He smiled and answered that once a week he comes down to the pond and fed his blemished peaches to the resident alligators.
 
A few minutes before a church service started, the congregation was sitting
and chatting, when all of a sudden, of all people, Satan appeared at the
front of the church.
The people started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil one. Soon the church
was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy
was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” said Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all
eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid of me?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of
me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
 
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