FIREmenow
Full time employment: Posting here.
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I guess most of the free world has already seen this, but I just watched it - HILARIOUS!!
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
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street
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
FireBug
Recycles dryer sheets
My wife called me into the bedroom. She said, "Honey, take off my blouse" Which I did. She then said, "Please take of my skirt" and finally, "Now remove my underwear". When it was all done she said, "And, don't ever let me catch you wearing them again"
Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
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If you say the word "gullible" out loud very slowly, it sounds like "orange."
street
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- 8,368
Stolen from elsewhere:
Huston55
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Where to retire?
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!".
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
OR
You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"
OR
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!".
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
OR
You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"
OR
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
street
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2016
- Messages
- 9,565
Three men die and go to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use according to his deeds.
The first man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married?"
"Twenty years," he answers.
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Five times," he says.
"So be it," says St. Peter. "You may enter, but you will receive only a used Toyota Corolla."
The second man arrives and St. Peter asks the same question: "How many years were you married?"
"Forty years," the man answers.
"And you cheated on your wife how many times?" St. Peter asks.
"Only twice, St. Peter, and I’m ashamed of myself,” the man says.
"Okay, you may enter. Here are the keys to a Buick a little old lady only drove on Sundays."
Finally, it’s the third man’s turn and St. Peter asks the same questions.
The man answers proudly, "I was married for 60 years!"
When asked if he ever cheated on his wife, he proclaims, "Never! I would never do that!”
Peter is very impressed, and hands him the keys to a Ferrari.
"Enjoy!” St. Peter exclaims. “You deserve this!"
One day a number of years later, as the first and second man are driving their cars down heaven’s main drag, they come across the third man crying by the side of the road.
They stop and ask him, "What's the matter, buddy? Something wrong with the Ferrari?"
"No,” says the man, wiping away tears. "I just passed my wife a few blocks back, and she was riding a unicycle."
The first man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married?"
"Twenty years," he answers.
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Five times," he says.
"So be it," says St. Peter. "You may enter, but you will receive only a used Toyota Corolla."
The second man arrives and St. Peter asks the same question: "How many years were you married?"
"Forty years," the man answers.
"And you cheated on your wife how many times?" St. Peter asks.
"Only twice, St. Peter, and I’m ashamed of myself,” the man says.
"Okay, you may enter. Here are the keys to a Buick a little old lady only drove on Sundays."
Finally, it’s the third man’s turn and St. Peter asks the same questions.
The man answers proudly, "I was married for 60 years!"
When asked if he ever cheated on his wife, he proclaims, "Never! I would never do that!”
Peter is very impressed, and hands him the keys to a Ferrari.
"Enjoy!” St. Peter exclaims. “You deserve this!"
One day a number of years later, as the first and second man are driving their cars down heaven’s main drag, they come across the third man crying by the side of the road.
They stop and ask him, "What's the matter, buddy? Something wrong with the Ferrari?"
"No,” says the man, wiping away tears. "I just passed my wife a few blocks back, and she was riding a unicycle."
Purron
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Nov 23, 2007
- Messages
- 5,596
Huston55
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A "Hello" every 2 yrs, whether we need it or not!
Welcome back, hope life in Culpepper? is going well for you & DH. I used to live in Warrenton long ago.
Overheard at the meat counter of the local market
"I eat the cows which produce methane gas that effects global warming. You vegetarians eat the plants that could fix global warming. So who's REALLY killing the planet?
"I eat the cows which produce methane gas that effects global warming. You vegetarians eat the plants that could fix global warming. So who's REALLY killing the planet?
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Mensa Invitational
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
If only I knew this at the time of my trial...
"In ancient Rome, two men taking an oath of allegiance held each other's testicles, and men held their own testicles as a sign of truthfulness while bearing witness in a public forum". (from Psychology Today).
"In ancient Rome, two men taking an oath of allegiance held each other's testicles, and men held their own testicles as a sign of truthfulness while bearing witness in a public forum". (from Psychology Today).
My lawyer told me that's where the word "testimony" comes from. They didn't have a bible back then. One would swear an oath on one's... well, you get the idea.
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Regarding the origin of the word testimony, it is strange that it is lost for thousands of years and only rediscovered now. So, some people still dispute it.
See: A "Witness" and a "Testicle"? A Linguistic Analysis of the Latin Word "Testis" - Carmenta Language School Blog.
Students of Latin are often struck by the fact that the same Latin word testis meant both a “witness” and a “testicle.” ... Surprisingly, no scholar had satisfactorily accounted for the origin of this puzzling ambiguity until 1998, when the Princeton Classicist Joshua Katz published his article “Testimonia Ritus Italici: Male Genitalia, Solemn Declarations, and a New Latin Sound Law” in Harvard Studies in Classical Philology.
See: A "Witness" and a "Testicle"? A Linguistic Analysis of the Latin Word "Testis" - Carmenta Language School Blog.
I don't recall what I was originally looking for. But, honest, and I swear on a stack of testicles, I'm sure it wasn't about the origins of "testimony." By the way, stacking testicles to any appreciable height isn't as easy as it may sound. (However, I think I may have just come up with a game that the whole family can play).
Games aside, the search had a surprising pay-off. Yep, found me a new signature line, I did.
Voice from the crowd (sounding suspiciously like Nemo2): "duck, methinks thou ought to take a nap now."
Games aside, the search had a surprising pay-off. Yep, found me a new signature line, I did.
Voice from the crowd (sounding suspiciously like Nemo2): "duck, methinks thou ought to take a nap now."
NW-Bound
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About stacking, next time you should try a bamboo skewer.
harley
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Gotta' love creative solutions to a problem that didn't exist until yesterday
. Guess this proves that engineers truly are problem solvers.Yet another simple, but creative solution (but, to a different problem).
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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I woke up later than normal today. Same as yesterday. Found myself groggy, and had to make some coffee to help, though I have not been drinking coffee for at least a year now.
Usually that happens when I have a rough night, and have some bad dreams, although I usually cannot recall the dream when I wake up. The day before yesterday, I participated in a thread that somehow wandered off into elders' nudity. Yesterday, well, you know.
Coincidence or cause and effect? I don't know as I do not remember the bad dreams. But I have to be careful now, as I need good sleep for my mental health.
Usually that happens when I have a rough night, and have some bad dreams, although I usually cannot recall the dream when I wake up. The day before yesterday, I participated in a thread that somehow wandered off into elders' nudity. Yesterday, well, you know.
Coincidence or cause and effect? I don't know as I do not remember the bad dreams. But I have to be careful now, as I need good sleep for my mental health.
Last edited:
FiveDriver
Full time employment: Posting here.
A middle-aged man comes home from work to find his middle-aged wife packing her suitcase.
"Where are you going ??" he asked.
"On Dr Phil's show, they just said that in Las Vegas, certain women are paid $250 for that which I give to you for FREE. I want to get paid !!"
The Husband goes and gets HIS suitcase and starts packing. "Where are you going?" the Wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas to see how you are going to live on $500 a year !!"
bada-bump.
"Where are you going ??" he asked.
"On Dr Phil's show, they just said that in Las Vegas, certain women are paid $250 for that which I give to you for FREE. I want to get paid !!"
The Husband goes and gets HIS suitcase and starts packing. "Where are you going?" the Wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas to see how you are going to live on $500 a year !!"
bada-bump.
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