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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-19-2005, 08:18 PM   #361
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

With all the comments on marital harmony, it's time to re-run this classic.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food & companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault! My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-20-2005, 06:27 AM   #362
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
With all the comments on marital harmony, it's time to re-run this classic.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food & companionship.* She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.* Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.* If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"* So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.* I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"* The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault!* My wife asked "What's on the TV?"* I said "Dust!"

You reminded me of Henny Youngman....."Take my wife.......... please!"

JG
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-20-2005, 01:04 PM   #363
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for Jarhead.

Jarhead sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love.

(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!)
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 09:26 AM   #364
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead is munching on some wheat bread, sitting between two other men on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”

After a few seconds the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”

Jarhead swallows a bite of wheat bread and says with a sly smile, “Gunnery Sergeant,United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.”

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 10:15 AM   #365
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we just named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap- O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snip" at each other, with my husband thinking he was getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is "GETTIN' EVEN
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 11:50 AM   #366
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A blonde city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his new bride, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. She takes him down to the barn.
They walk along a long row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she
tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," She explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 12:29 PM   #367
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighborhood bar. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with
the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed like an eternity, and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he
fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it
was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few
more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled
out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the
street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his
amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany
me to the police station; this breathalyzer equipment must be
broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 03:28 PM   #368
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.


"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 04:59 PM   #369
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hope this one hasn't been posted yet..

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2005, 06:58 PM   #370
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I can't claim that this is a joke but it sure strikes me as funny. The following disclaimer comes from Chuck Shepherd's "News of the Weird" website.

"The following kinds of stories were formerly weird, but they now occur with
such frequency that they must be retired from circulation:
1. an old, widely-advertised phone-sex number is reassigned to a
church/charity
2. suspicious package thought to be a bomb, turns out to be something stupid
3. robber leaves his ID [wallet or appointment card for probation officer or etc.] at the scene
4. peace/brotherhood conference erupts into violence
5. robber on getaway accidentally hails unmarked police car
6. political candidate dies but still wins the election
7. family thinks he's dead, but he's not and attends his own funeral
8. hunters shoot each other
9. funeral home owner neglects/mixes up bodies
10. "victimized" drug buyer complains to police that someone sold him weak or bogus drugs

11. some countries prohibit giving children certain names
12. in middle of an obvious drug raid, customer wanders up and asks cop if he can buy some drugs
13. shoots himself while supposedly demonstrating gun safety
14. global warming caused by animal methane
15. burglar gets stuck in vent or chimney
16. courthouse visitor/defendant inadvertently places contraband on the
x-ray tables at entrance
17. burglar falls asleep during job.
18. family accidentally leaves behind a kid at a highway rest stop
19. driver's license applicant crashes into examiner station before or during test
20. [Oops! It's about the same as number 15]

21. overdue-library-book scofflaws actually go to jail
22. DUI tickets for "driving" a bicycle [or horse or riding lawn mower or etc.]
23. starts fire because can't stop smoking even though hooked up to oxygen machine
24. gasoline thieves check quantity in tank by using a match or lighter to peer inside
25. older teacher/younger boy relationship
26. firefighter with an arson habit [to keep in practice or to feel wanted or etc.]
27. local election ends in tie, settled (by law) by coin flip or draw of cards
28. Japanese men committing suicide because of overwork
29. angry customer drives car right through store's front door
30. heating-oil delivery to wrong house, resulting in flooded basement

31. postal worker hoards mail because he's behind in delivering it
32. bank robber hails taxi or municipal bus for getaway
33. the annual student cheating riots in Bangladesh
34. criminal on the lam goes on national tv talk show and mentions that he's wanted
35. dog steps on gun, shooting the master
36. pack of animals breaks into liquor cabinet or fermenting vat, get drunk
37. a loved one died at home, but the relative never gets around to burying him or her
38. school zero-tolerance policies for "weapons" that are purely, obviously ornamental
39. amateur videographers set up miniature cameras in restrooms
40. animal-hoarding (mostly of cats) women

41. carjackers who never learned to drive stick shift and must abandon the car
42. criminal suspect evading police, jumps in river to escape, and drowns
43. young-looking adults impersonate teenagers and return to high school
44. African nation's rumors of people with power to make penises disappear
45. humongous abdominal cysts removed in surgery
46. unlabeled urn with loved one's ashes mistakenly stolen or sold at yard sale
47. husband takes his wife back even though she just tried to kill him
48. judges punish young people by forcing them to listen to [classical or polka or etc.] music
49. hit-and-run driver drives on and on with body or bicycle in grille or windshield
50. criminal, cornered by police dog, bites the dog

51. burglars leave footprints in snow, directly to their homes
52. [Oops! It's about the same as number 48]
53. video shoe-cams or smoke-detector-cams to spy on women
54. Japanese making many silent hang-up telephone calls against former lover or business partner
55. robber smashes store's surveillance "camera," but it's only the lens, and it captured his face
56. inadvertently tries to cash a stolen personal check at the store [bank] where his victim works
57. accidental bombing of house by airliner's "blue ice"
58. elderly citizen trying to convince bureaucrat that, contrary to records, he's not really dead
59. elderly motorist makes wrong turn, gets lost for days
60. bands of criminals videotape their entire crime sprees for kicks, but makes it easy for cops

61. parents frolic while their small kids are left home alone
62. people trying to outrun police while driving slow-moving vehicles
63. combining jellyfish gene to produce another plant or animal that glows
64. imposter cop has car with flashing light, stopping motorists, accidentally stops real cop
65. parents who leave their small kids locked in hot cars while they frolic
66. inmates who advertise innocently for penpals on lonely-hearts pages on
the Internet."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-22-2005, 06:12 AM   #371
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Before he gave it up for golf and fly fishing, Jarhead was a pretty good portrait artist. His reputation grew to the point that people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Jarhead if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $5,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble, Jarhead put down his wheat bread sandwich and asked the lady to wait while he conferred with his DW. In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "OK, it’s a deal. I’ll paint you in the nude, but there is one condition. I’ll have to leave my socks on so I’ll have a place to wipe my brushes.”
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-23-2005, 03:06 PM   #372
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

THE JOY OF HUNTING

An 80-year-old Jarhead went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and Jarhead said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

80-year-old Jarhead said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-23-2005, 03:47 PM   #373
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This joke depends on one of the listeners asking the correct question, but every time I've told it, it's worked perfectly.* You have to tell it like it's a true story and not a joke.* It goes like this:

I heard that yesterday over on fifth a man ran over a woman's cat and killed it.* She was right there and walked up to her and told her that he felt really bad, and he wanted to pay her some money.* The strange thing is that there was a policeman there at that point and he arrested the woman!

At this point, someone who is listening will ask "What for?"

You answer, "For selling her pussy!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-23-2005, 05:41 PM   #374
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
This joke depends on one of the listeners asking the correct question, but every time I've told it, it's worked perfectly.* You have to tell it like it's a true story and not a joke.* It goes like this:

I heard that yesterday over on fifth a man ran over a woman's cat and killed it.* She was right there and walked up to her and told her that he felt really bad, and he wanted to pay her some money.* The strange thing is that there was a policeman there at that point and he arrested the man!

At this point, someone who is listening will ask "What for?"

You answer, "For selling her pussy!"
Ding ding! The "most tasteless post" trophy moves again.............

JG
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-23-2005, 06:11 PM   #375
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
This joke depends on one of the listeners asking the correct question, but every time I've told it, it's worked perfectly.* You have to tell it like it's a true story and not a joke.* It goes like this:

I heard that yesterday over on fifth a man ran over a woman's cat and killed it.* She was right there and walked up to her and told her that he felt really bad, and he wanted to pay her some money.* The strange thing is that there was a policeman there at that point and he arrested the man!

At this point, someone who is listening will ask "What for?"

You answer, "For selling her pussy!"
T-A
Did I read this wrong.* The policeman arrested her, not him, right? Or he was arrested for "buying" not "selling"

I'm not a stickler on these things.*
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-24-2005, 06:03 AM   #376
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the
list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it
to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car
pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in a book on animal husbandry.. I settled for 'Lovable Louise'.
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and
gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant
legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had made
him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would
bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door.

"What the world is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell
back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to
the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-24-2005, 09:54 AM   #377
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!



Your Grandpa is my role model for "old age"!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-24-2005, 04:12 PM   #378
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

JG and a buddy are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.

His buddy gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, JG, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. My ex."


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-24-2005, 10:30 PM   #379
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hey Outtahere,

That was the best story that I have heard in a long while. I was laughing so hard, that my DH came from the living room where he was watching TV to see what was so funny! I can just picture Grandpa flirting and giving mouth to mouth. You go Grandpa!!! Thanks again.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-25-2005, 06:16 AM   #380
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Outtahere
More Grandpa stories, please!
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