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Old 09-06-2016, 03:28 AM   #3981
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Old 09-20-2016, 05:19 AM   #3982
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Stolen from elsewhere:

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.


A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.


Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.


When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.


What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.


She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed


With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

h You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.


Every calendar's days are numbered.


A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine.


A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.


He had a photographic memory that was never developed.


A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.


Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.


Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.


Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Acupuncture is a jab well done
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Old 09-30-2016, 07:33 AM   #3983
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A non political joke from Canada:

During a lull between the speeches at X, XX leans over to chat with XXX.

"You know, I bought XXXX a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, XXXX has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says XXX, "But, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," XX replies, "neither does the parrot."
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Old 10-07-2016, 03:00 PM   #3984
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From the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-antique" rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens" OR "superannuated Americans."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."


When a Professional Bull Rider suffered three cracked vertebrae and a broken collar bone after having been bucked an enraged 1,800 pound animal, the medical authorities attributed his injuries to "aggravated bovine ejection."
No joke!
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Old 10-07-2016, 03:46 PM   #3985
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Two young women meet in Heaven, each surprised to see the other one there.

1st Woman says, "Oh Bobby Jean, I'm so sorry to see you here. How did you die ? "

Bobby Jean "I froze to death, Mary Lou."

Mary Lou, "That must have been awful."

Bobby, "It wasn't too bad. I got cold, I fell asleep, I woke up here. How did you die ?"

Mary, "Well, I was sure my Husband had a another woman in our house while I was at work. So I came home early one day, and found him just reading the paper in the Den. But I was so sure that he had another woman in that house, I ran upstairs and down checking every room !!! I got myself so worked up, I had a massive Heart Attack and ended up here."

Bobby, "Well I wish you had checked in your Freezer......we'd both be alive today !!!"
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Old 10-07-2016, 04:10 PM   #3986
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Cross-posting from another site.....
=====================
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
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Old 10-07-2016, 11:52 PM   #3987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
A non political joke from Canada:

During a lull between the speeches at X, XX leans over to chat with XXX.

"You know, I bought XXXX a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, XXXX has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says XXX, "But, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," XX replies, "neither does the parrot."
Well that took all the fun out of it....
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Old 10-08-2016, 01:56 AM   #3988
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Well that took all the fun out of it....
As they say on the news.."This just in...."
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Old 10-08-2016, 03:29 PM   #3989
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A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. "What a crummy deal!" The man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman."
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Old 10-09-2016, 09:17 AM   #3990
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Ran across this a couple of days ago and was surprised how true it is.

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/thi...anadian-border
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Old 10-09-2016, 09:19 AM   #3991
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Ran across this a couple of days ago and was surprised how true it is.

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/thi...anadian-border
Sorry, I couldn't make it past #2 - poutine. Ugh. Yuck.
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Old 10-09-2016, 09:24 AM   #3992
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Sorry, I couldn't make it past #2 - poutine. Ugh. Yuck.
I don't think I know anyone who's ever eaten that muck.
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Old 10-09-2016, 09:26 AM   #3993
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Ran across this a couple of days ago and was surprised how true it is.

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/thi...anadian-border
Happy Thanksgiving, eh?
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Old 10-09-2016, 10:17 AM   #3994
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I don't think I know anyone who's ever eaten that muck.
There is a poutine truck outside Midland, and we stopped for poutine on the way back from the boat in September. I have to say that they served me more than I could eat.
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Old 10-09-2016, 10:24 AM   #3995
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There is a poutine truck outside Midland, and we stopped for poutine on the way back from the boat in September. I have to say that they served me more than I could eat.
I would've had more than I could eat of it without even stopping.

(This reminded me of 'The Cheese Sandwich'......back in the 1960s, (and likely before that), Toronto was somewhat more 'staid' (some might say stodgy) than it is nowadays, and to have a beer/adult beverage on a Sunday required ordering a 'meal'.

Hence 'The Cheese Sandwich' (I never personally saw it, (we drank our beers at home), but it became legend)......at one or more hotels a patron would sit at a table, order a beer, and the waiter would truck out 'The Cheese Sandwich'.

The drinker knew better than to actually eat said 'treat', and when the drinking was over, the sandwich (presumably they were numerous), would be whisked away to be served to the next client....or so the story goes.)
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Old 10-09-2016, 11:08 AM   #3996
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I don't think I know anyone who's ever eaten that muck.
I ordered a version of that stuff with a group. It was at a BBQ/microbrew place just north of Chicago.

As a side/appetizer, it was OK in small amounts. Think Thanksgiving stuffing/dressing with gravy, plus cheese. Very heavy, would not want to eat a lot of it. Probably would not order it myself, but one dish to pass around a group and have a taste, sure, why not?

But than as Jay punned on "Modern Family" - "I am not 'poutine' that in my mouth, it looks like vomit".


-ERD50
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Old 10-09-2016, 11:23 AM   #3997
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I don't think I know anyone who's ever eaten that muck.
I had it, in Quebec of course !

It was odd, very tasty but the amount of fat is sooo high, that I have never ordered it again.
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Old 10-09-2016, 05:56 PM   #3998
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All perfectly true, IMHO.
And just for the record, I love poutine. How could you not? (presuming you've actually tried it). Although I have to admit I'm not a huge fan of Timmy. OK as far as it goes, but there are much better donuts.

Of course, my response may be because I actually do have Canadian ancestors. On my mother's side, they came from Ireland and stopped off in Nova Scotia for about three generations before moving on to the USA.
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Old 10-09-2016, 06:39 PM   #3999
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All perfectly true, IMHO.
And just for the record, I love poutine. How could you not? (presuming you've actually tried it). Although I have to admit I'm not a huge fan of Timmy. OK as far as it goes, but there are much better donuts.

Of course, my response may be because I actually do have Canadian ancestors. On my mother's side, they came from Ireland and stopped off in Nova Scotia for about three generations before moving on to the USA.
For a fun movie along these same lines by the late great John Candy:
http://www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/movi...08_p_v8_aa.jpg
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Old 10-10-2016, 11:23 AM   #4000
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ERD50 View Post
As a side/appetizer, it was OK in small amounts. Think Thanksgiving stuffing/dressing with gravy, plus cheese. Very heavy, would not want to eat a lot of it. Probably would not order it myself, but one dish to pass around a group and have a taste, sure, why not?
There is a pub in Toronto that serves it with salsa and jalapenos on it as an alternative to nachos...
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