Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 01-05-2017, 08:12 AM   #4041
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 724
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
__________________

__________________
street is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 01-07-2017, 06:41 PM   #4042
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
redduck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: yonder
Posts: 2,050
I asked a friend what might be the best way to thwart a home invasion.

He suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells.

A few days later I sent him this picture and asked him how to make it all work.



I never heard from him again.

__________________

__________________
redduck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-07-2017, 08:15 PM   #4043
Dryer sheet wannabe
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Northeast of NH
Posts: 19
__________________
Retire2017 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2017, 05:36 PM   #4044
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,870
Bizarre Books (Real)




1. Mated With A Clown; 1884

2. Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995

3. The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619

4. My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971

5. Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950

6. The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982

7. Pernicious Pork; or, Astounding Revelations of the Evil
Effects of Eating Swine Flesh; 1903

8. Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment;
1887

9. 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.p.

10. Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2017, 09:16 PM   #4045
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 19,278
Quote:
Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
Cough
Rough
Through
Though


None of these words rhyme.

But for some unfathomable reason, Pony and Bologna do.

English is weird.

If you write Baloney instead of Bologna, would it seem less weird?
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2017, 11:10 PM   #4046
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 1,251
Quote:
Originally Posted by NW-Bound View Post
If you write Baloney instead of Bologna, would it seem less weird?
It depends on whether you are referring to the food, or to the BS:

Baloney vs. bologna

Bologna refers to a type of sausage made of finely ground meat that has been cooked and smoked. Baloney is nonsense. It is an early 20th-century American coinage derived from bologna. It may also be influenced by blarney, which in one of its definitions means nonsense or deceptive talk.

Baloney vs. bologna - Grammarist
__________________
Music Lover is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-13-2017, 08:24 PM   #4047
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 724
A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

“So tell me,” says the mechanic, “I’ve been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.”

“Yes?..” says the surgeon.

“Well look at this,” says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, “I check how it’s running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new. We basically do the same job don’t we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am – how do you explain that?”

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,”Try it with the engine running.”
__________________
street is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-18-2017, 08:46 PM   #4048
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 724
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
__________________
street is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2017, 05:14 PM   #4049
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Northern Kentucky
Posts: 8,510
Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

*THE RESPONSE

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor.

*
THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife"** Technology hey?

Regards, Alan
__________________
braumeister is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2017, 08:22 PM   #4050
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 1,251
A line from Drew Carey:

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
__________________
Music Lover is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2017, 07:02 AM   #4051
Full time employment: Posting here.
FIREmenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 588
I guess most of the free world has already seen this, but I just watched it - HILARIOUS!!

__________________
Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.” ― Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the Willows
FIREmenow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2017, 08:03 AM   #4052
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 724
Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
__________________
street is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2017, 12:09 PM   #4053
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 252
My wife called me into the bedroom. She said, "Honey, take off my blouse" Which I did. She then said, "Please take of my skirt" and finally, "Now remove my underwear". When it was all done she said, "And, don't ever let me catch you wearing them again"
__________________
"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable"
- J.K. Galbraith
FireBug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-30-2017, 09:25 AM   #4054
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nodak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Cavalier
Posts: 2,317
..
Attached Images
File Type: jpg 1926660_10153175975852527_1086210287039642051_n.jpg (67.0 KB, 74 views)
__________________
"Don't take life so serious, son. It ain't nohow permanent." Pogo Possum (Walt Kelly)
Nodak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-30-2017, 09:26 AM   #4055
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 16,362
If you say the word "gullible" out loud very slowly, it sounds like "orange."
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Bestwifeever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2017, 07:55 PM   #4056
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 724
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not? " the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"
__________________
street is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2017, 06:49 AM   #4057
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 4,235
Stolen from elsewhere:

__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-03-2017, 03:19 PM   #4058
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Huston55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Bay Area
Posts: 1,772
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
I bet she'll be "talkin' some SH!T" on her next phone call.
__________________
You may be whatever you resolve to be.
Huston55 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2017, 10:23 AM   #4059
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nodak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Cavalier
Posts: 2,317
Sent to me by a friend
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Close gate.jpg (25.1 KB, 273 views)
__________________
"Don't take life so serious, son. It ain't nohow permanent." Pogo Possum (Walt Kelly)
Nodak is offline   Reply With Quote
Where to retire?
Old 02-08-2017, 05:27 PM   #4060
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Northern Kentucky
Posts: 8,510
Where to retire?

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


OR


You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


OR


You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


OR


You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!".


OR


You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!


OR


You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


OR


You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR


FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
__________________

__________________
braumeister is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:25 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.