It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Dtail]

This Marketwatch headline must be a joke:

I guess the alternative could have been that 145m out of 150m are now out of work, but the markets expected 147m, so it went up.

 

[Winemaker]

This Marketwatch headline must be a joke:

Anything to provoke the unemployed and 99%ers.

 

[Chuckanut]

This Marketwatch headline must be a joke:

No doubt writers at The Onion are probably kicking themselves for not coming up with that Headline first!

 

[Nemo2]

 

[sheldon cornped]

I was at the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

 

[REWahoo]

...

 

[CaptTom]

OK, I'm gonna break my own rule about posting a non-joke in a joke thread. Sorry...

What is with this new practice of typing old jokes in a huge font on some background image or pattern?

Seriously, doing that doesn't make it a "meme."

Just write the darn thing out like we've done for thousands of years.

I'm done. Sorry again for wasting everyone's time. Guys like me will all be dead soon and you can forget about ever again having to type, spell or use punctuation or grammar.

 

[Nemo2]

What is with this new practice of typing old jokes in a huge font on some background image or pattern?

Me, I just download 'em as is from elsewhere.

 

[REWahoo]

Me, I just download 'em as is from elsewhere.

Yep, from a location clearly beyond the jurisdiction of the grammar police.

 

[kevink]

How Stimulus Payments Work

”Ever wonder how a govt stimulus package works? This will help explain it:
It is a slow day and times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.”

 

[Texas Proud]

How Stimulus Payments Work

”Ever wonder how a govt stimulus package works? This will help explain it:
It is a slow day and times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.”

I have seen this before... but being an accountant I can see that every person in the joke has a $100 payable and a $100 receivable... so all have a net zero debt...

 

[Dtail]

I have seen this before... but being an accountant I can see that every person in the joke has a $100 payable and a $100 receivable... so all have a net zero debt...

Correct. Good catch.

 

[folivier]

But all of them NOT being accountants feel like they are in better financial shape. And that is what our politicians hope will happen.

 

[sdtech]

except the hotel owner - he's out $100. He started with someone owing him a $100 and ends without anyone owing him. Guess motels will cover the national debt.

 

[Nemo2]

...and what about "those guys who walk into a bar"....did they actually walk or did they arrive in a taxi.....and if the latter did they tip the cab driver?

 

[Chuckanut]

A mushroom and a young buck walk into a bar.
The bartender eyes them and says 'When don't serve your type here'.
The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungi and this is my deer friend."

 

[WyomingLife]

Blacksmithing humor:

"If you can't fix it with a hammer, it's an electrical problem."

 

[O2Bfree]

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They just hold it up to the socket and the universe revolves around them.

 

[Winemaker]

A Rope goes into a bar for a beer, the bartender refuses to serve him, telling him that he don't serve his type. The Rope asks for a beer again, and the bartender again refuses to serve him. He warns the Rope that if he asks again, the bouncer will remover him. Well, the Rope asks again, and sure enough, the bouncer takes the Rope out back, smashes the Rope into the wall and on the alley floor several times. After pummeling the Rope pretty good, he ties it all up, and gives the Rope a good kick down the alley. Well, Mr. Rope was pretty thirsty, so he gets up, dusts himself off, and runs around the block and goes in the front door, beating the bouncer. The Rope says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer!". The bartender is astonished and give the Rope a good lookover, "Ain't you the Rope we just threw outta here?" "Nope," says the Rope," I'm a frayed Knot!"

 

[Nemo2]

A Centurion walks into a bar and says "Give me a Martinus".

Bartender says "Don't you mean a Martini?"

Centurion says "If I wanted two I'd ask for them".

 

[lesjrp]

A Centurion walks into a bar and says "Give me a Martinus".



Bartender says "Don't you mean a Martini?"



Centurion says "If I wanted two I'd ask for them".

I apologize if this was included before.


Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, why the long face?



Bear walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says I told you before we don’t serve your kind. Bear says why not? Bartender says last time you were here things didn’t work out so well. Bear says I believe I behaved myself. Bartender says, what about the barbiturate?

 

[Car-Guy]

Based on the last several jokes it seems to me like this thread may have finally run out of gas.

 

[Nemo2]

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

[Qs Laptop]

I went to the zoo the other day but there was only one animal, a small dog. It was a shih-tzu.

 

[Nemo2]

I went to the zoo the other day but there was only one animal, a small dog. It was a shih-tzu.