It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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A researcher studying accents went to Kentucky.
He asked the question "How do you pronounce the Capital of your state"?
50% said Looee-ville and 50% said Loovulle.

Problem is the Capital is Frankfort
 
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Failure is not an option. It's bundled with Windows 10.
 
Dealing with a parent with Alzheimers is very frustrating but can have its funny moments. My DW just got home from visiting her 94 YO mom's. Her brother and his wife were there from Alabama so they had a nice time catching up. There was a gift bag on the table and nobody knew who it was for or who it was from. So my DW looked inside and found her mom's dirty clothes, prosthetic breast, dirty and clean pullup, and a few other items.
 
folivier said:
Dealing with a parent with Alzheimers is very frustrating but can have its funny moments.
Click to expand...

When my dad was near the end of his life, he often spoke gibberish. After one earnest but incomprehensible outburst, I pondered for a moment, then slowly shook my head no. Clear as day he said "Why not?"
 
How To Install A Home Security System.....


Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
Leave a note on your door that reads:
'Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Rocky, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
'Cooter'
 
Posted here since they closed down the CV joke thread.


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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
"Go away!" cried the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration!"
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well you just stay right there while l get you a fork, cuz they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
A girl brings her fiance home for dinner to meet her parents. After dinner, the mother asks the father to find out about the guy.
The father asks the young man to go into the study with him, and have a drink. "So, what are your plans?" he asks the young man.
"I'm a religous scholar."
"A religious scholar. Hmmm," says Dad. "Admirable. But how will you provide my daughter a nice house to live in, such as she is accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man answers, "and God will provide for us."
"And children? How will you support your children?"
"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation goes on like that, and each time the father questions the young idealist, the fiances insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks her husband, "How'd it go, Honey?"
The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God."
 
A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees.
The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict.
His friend says, 'It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment.'
'Why is that?'
'Because they wanted to acquit you!'
 
A Talk Between God and Adam
GOD said: 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”
“What's a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What?’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said: “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What?’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?”
“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord… What’s a headache?”
 
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