It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
 
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bedroom saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath when I don't use my mouthwash 10 times a day? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally works up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
 
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Car-Guy said:
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When you apply inflation, where $1 then = $9.22 or thereabouts now, most of those statements about money are pretty normal.

Also, Snopes said this was wrong when it was attributed to 1955. Hey, maybe it's real for 1957 though!
 
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Car-Guy said:
There was a husband and wife, they had 6 kids and so he started calling her "Mother of 6" instead of her first name. She thought this was cute the first time but he kept it up saying "Mother of 6 get me a beer, or Mother of 6 what's for dinner". He called her that all the time instead of her first name and she was getting tired of it. So, one night at a BIG party the husband said, "Mother of 6, let's go" She replied "I am right behind you "Father of 4".
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:LOL: I heard this one on Benny Hill years ago.
 
Give a man a fish and he will eat fish for the day, but teach him to fish and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day!
 
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I welcome you into the family!" said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don't like factories, and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the son-in-law. "Buy me out."
 
The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no one could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done, he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
 
A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.
However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.
With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,
"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."
Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.
"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."
Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.
"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.
"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"
However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,
"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.
" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.
"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"the plant manager said.
Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,
"Let me guess, he is an only child?"
 
Car-Guy said:
Give a man a fish and he will eat fish for the day, but teach him to fish and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day!
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I prefer this version: Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day - set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
 
Nemo2 said:
I prefer this version: Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day - set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Hey, I don't write em, I just post em...:)
 
An old lady is cruising through a parking lot in her Mercedes, looking for an open spot. She sees one up ahead, turns on her blinker, and slowly starts to turn into it. Suddenly, a sporty SUV coming the other way turns in front of her and zips into the spot. A young man jumps out and starts towards the store, and the old lady yells at him, "You took my spot, you rude fellow!" The guy, shrugs and says, "Well, that's what you get when you're young and fast!" The lady backs her Mercedes up a bit, then hits the gas and smashes into the SUV. "Well," she yells back, "that's what you get when you're old and rich!"
 
O2Bfree said:
An old lady is cruising through a parking lot in her Mercedes, looking for an open spot. She sees one up ahead, turns on her blinker, and slowly starts to turn into it. Suddenly, a sporty SUV coming the other way turns in front of her and zips into the spot. A young man jumps out and starts towards the store, and the old lady yells at him, "You took my spot, you rude fellow!" The guy, shrugs and says, "Well, that's what you get when you're young and fast!" The lady backs her Mercedes up a bit, then hits the gas and smashes into the SUV. "Well," she yells back, "that's what you get when you're old and rich!"
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^ Here's the video version:

 
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, “I can’t take the critism anymore.”
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked:
“That’s NOT how you spell criticism my dear!”
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
 
Car-Guy said:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
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The calling hunter must have been blond.
 
That's a variation of the burglar joke. Same general joke but caller says I just killed an intruder. 911 says are you sure he is dead ......
 
I'm getting most of these jokes, that I've posted here in the past few months, from another forum I visit frequently. Yes some of them are just new spins on old jokes but many are still pretty good (IMO). Some/many are pretty bad so I don't re-post those. In the past the other forum didn't allow any off topic material to be posted but as a "covid" stress reliever they allowed a general joke thread to be started... They never allowed any hate jokes or political stuff for the most part but have allowed "some adult oriented jokes" to be posted. Overall it has been a huge hit but something tells me they are going to shut it down soon since some of the jokes are getting pretty rough (and get deleted pretty quick)..... Some are hilarious but I suspect "a few" on this forum would find many of them offensive so I do screen them out too. As time goes on they are getting more bold (not enough yet to make a sailor blush, but a few are getting close.)
 
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