It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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More one liners.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I heard this one at least 50 years ago...It may have been posted here before in one form or another. Heck I may have even posted it at some point in the past. A man approaches a very attractive women at the bar and after some small talk, he asked her if she would sleep with him for 1 million dollars? Without hesitation she said yes... Then he said, well would you sleep with me for 500 hundred dollars? Insulated the women says, well just what do you think I am? The man said, well I think we've already established what you are, now we're just negotiating the price.
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Note: Most of these jokes I post here are simply copied from various on line sources. And I do try to correct the typo's when I catch them. I found several in this particularly bad batch but there may be more! So read at your own risk. If you think women are the weaker sex, just try pulling the blanket back to your side.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
How do crazy people go through the forest? On the physco path.
Why is there a fence around a cemetery? People are dying to get in.
The road to success is always under construction.
Just remember - you never really completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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Not so much jokes as pranks.
Someone posted a link to 'This American Life' podcast, in it was a story about a wealthy lawyer that died. (stop laughing, that's not the punchline!) This was in the 1930s.
In the lawyers will, he left his brewery stock to Prohibitionist Pastors. He left his racing stock to people that didn't believe in betting, and best of all he left his Jamaican vacation home to 3 lawyers that hated each other.
And the part that was sad, quoted from the article, with the rest of his,
"At the expiration of 10 years from my death, give it and its accumulations to the mother who has, since my death, given birth in Toronto to the greatest number of children, as shown by the registrations under the Vital Statistics Act," "In other words, the woman who had the most babies in the 10 years after his death would be awarded a whole lot of money-- 9 million Canadian dollars in today's money, or almost $7 million US."
This ended very poorly.
Podcast link, the story above starts at 20 minutes, time toggle at upper left.
But the MSG prank is interesting also.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/668/the-long-fuse
Transcript.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/668/transcript
Someone posted a link to 'This American Life' podcast, in it was a story about a wealthy lawyer that died. (stop laughing, that's not the punchline!) This was in the 1930s.
In the lawyers will, he left his brewery stock to Prohibitionist Pastors. He left his racing stock to people that didn't believe in betting, and best of all he left his Jamaican vacation home to 3 lawyers that hated each other.
And the part that was sad, quoted from the article, with the rest of his,
"At the expiration of 10 years from my death, give it and its accumulations to the mother who has, since my death, given birth in Toronto to the greatest number of children, as shown by the registrations under the Vital Statistics Act," "In other words, the woman who had the most babies in the 10 years after his death would be awarded a whole lot of money-- 9 million Canadian dollars in today's money, or almost $7 million US."
This ended very poorly.
Podcast link, the story above starts at 20 minutes, time toggle at upper left.
But the MSG prank is interesting also.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/668/the-long-fuse
Transcript.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/668/transcript
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled... but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our b**** for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, “I see you have already taken your reward.”
The poor man responds, “What are you talking about?” The wealthy man continues, “This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.”
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, “Your Honor, I trust you believe me.”
The Judge says, “Of course.” The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man’s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. “What are you doing?” the rich man yells angrily.
The Judge responds, “You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I’m sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.”
“What about my money?” the rich man asks.
“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
New spin on an older jokeA married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing.”
The drunk muttered his response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
(Note had to edited this one to be PC...)A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore last week and I saw it on a shelf in bathroom. I can read English well enough, it said: 'Polish Remover'
Wedding Night
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“Well, I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“Well, I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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The punchlines of other, mid last century Oz jokes:
- "Hurry, you don't want to get an ugly one"
and
- "The other two guys are to hold him down, he doesn't like it"
- "Hurry, you don't want to get an ugly one"
and
- "The other two guys are to hold him down, he doesn't like it"
Sunset
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Some jokes just aren't believable. - since when is beer required !Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
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One featured sheep, the other an outback cook. Take your choice of which is which.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I'm just to lazy this afternoon to post these all in separate posts. I've heard the first one a few times anyway but it's always good.A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby old woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
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I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who is moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."
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There are three kinds of people in the world... those who can count, and those who can't.
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A little Christmas cheer... (Jingle Bells theme)
Dashing through the snow, in a pair of broken skis, screaming as I go, ramming into trees,(boomboomboom) snow is turning red, I think I'm almost dead, someone call an ambulance, 'cause I need a hospital bed. Oh, Jingle bells...
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Last batch for the day....1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and S***head's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
5. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
9. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
11. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
12. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. Ms Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
15. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
17. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
20. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
21. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Souschef
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Carguy's #1 tore me up because that was exactly what I called my ex.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Glad you got a laugh out of it....
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently, the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them," replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer.
"I sure did, that's how we won the case.... Good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
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