It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

Men have better friends.



Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

[Car-Guy]

Clearly an older Internet joke but still funny.... Just think back 10 to 15 years ago for some of these. Some still apply!



Internet Addiction

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher."

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

You start using smiley's in your snail mail.

You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.

You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.

You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.​

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People Becasue--


Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


Sorry, I had to delete a few of the best ones but it's still a pretty good list.

 

[Car-Guy]

A blonde driving her car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes and was able to keep up with him every twist and turn.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Target now?"

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Time2]

"Doctor, will I be ok?"
"I don't know, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't do astronomy doc"
"Me neither, my thermometer just broke"


Posting some Reddit jokes...

 

[Time2]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

 

[Time2]

The Buddhist gets his hotdog and pays with a $10. He asks the vendor, "Where's my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

 

[Time2]

A man goes to a funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says "Plethora" and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers "Thanks, that means a lot."




Another man approaches, he had been a close companion of the deceased. He too asks the widow if he might speak, and heads to the front.
"Bargain," he says.
The widow pats his arm. "That means a great deal"

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Time2]

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."
"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."




I'm sorry, enough for now.

 

[Car-Guy]

Sam died. In his will, he provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"
Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?"
"Seven and a half carats."

 

[Car-Guy]

Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.

 

[Car-Guy]

+ (Last one for the day)


A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband, types in a password "MYPENIS ". The wife fell on the ground laughing hysterically because of the error message on the screen, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

A man goes to a funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says "Plethora" and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers "Thanks, that means a lot."




Another man approaches, he had been a close companion of the deceased. He too asks the widow if he might speak, and heads to the front.
"Bargain," he says.
The widow pats his arm. "That means a great deal"

My kind of humor!

 

[Car-Guy]

I wonder if this sign is ignored by Ice Road Truckers

 

[Car-Guy]

Seems appropriate for 2020

 

[Car-Guy]

I can just about guess what Santa's list says about 2020

 

[Car-Guy]

Another negative ramification of Covid

 

[Car-Guy]

Positive ramification of Covid

 

[Car-Guy]

More Covid info to help you with social distancing for you dog types

 

[Car-Guy]

And Covid has changed yet another tradition

 

[Car-Guy]

Enough of the Covid jokes already, at least for today...

Last one for today! (non Covid)

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

 

[Car-Guy]

Doctor Jokes - Looks like as slow joke day



Doctor! Doctor! I have a cough?
Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough

Doctor: Nurse, how's the little boy doing, that swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Doctor, people always ignore me.
Doctor says Next!

The guy asks the Doctor, If I give up beer, women, and music, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

The nurse tells the Doctor that there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor replies: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? Pull down their jeans (genes)!

What kind of doctor has thick glasses and a wet nose?
A Shortsighted gynecologist!

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your "blood type".