It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Subject: Diets


[FONT=arial,helvetica]Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


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Early Retirement strategy

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
 
The New Financial Wisdom

By Stuart Carlson - appeared in the Washington Post:
 

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"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"
Cliff Clavin(Cheers)
 
Three Men Got To Heaven

One day, there was 3 men at heaven's gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I've only cheated on her 2 times".
God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven".
God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I've only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I've never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a Cadillac to drive around in heaven".
Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadillac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you've always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard
 
Lewinsky's Statement to the Press

Statement
I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

Thank you,
Monica
 
Worst Pickup Lines



I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.


Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.


If your were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.


Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: " I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."


. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?



If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?



You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.



Hi, I'm a necrophilliac, how good are you at playing dead?



The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.



Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore
 
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

--------------------------------------
1. He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

-------------------------------------
2. He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

-------------------------------------
3. He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

-------------------------------------
4. He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

-------------------------------------
5. He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

-------------------------------------------
6. He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

-------------------------------
7. He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

-----------------------------
8. He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

--------------------------------
9. He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

---------------------------------
10. He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

---------------------------------
11. He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

----------------------------------
12. He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

---------------------------------
13. He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

-------------------------------
14. He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

-----------------------------------
15. He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

-----------------------------
16. He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

-------------------------------
17. He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.
 
Chinese Torture

There once was a man who was walking through the woods. He was very hungry and thirsty, when he came upon a small castle. He went up and there was an elderly Chinese man who answered the door. The man asked for some food and drink.

The Chinese man said yes, but that he must promise not to fool around with his daughter, or he would have to face the 3 Chinese Tortures. The man agreed and went inside to a fabulous meal. After it was over, the old mans daughter came into the room. She was the hottest, sexiest woman the man had ever seen. The next day the Chinese man said he had to leave for some errands, but reminded the man not to mess with his daughter or he would face the 3 Chinese tortures.

After a while the guy decided, what the heck. What can this guy do to me? So he goes and fools around with the daughter. He is completely satisfied, when he wakes up the next morning. Upon his chest is a big rock with a note.

The note read "First Chinese Torture, 100lb boulder on chest."

The guy picked the rock up and tossed it out the window. On the window sill was another note, "Second Chinese Torture, Boulder tied to left nut."

The man jumped out the window to keep the boulder from tearing his balls off, when he found the third note. "Third Chinese Torture, Right nut attached to bedpost."
 
It may take you a while to get this:

mikelitoris.jpg
 
I added that one to my funny names file. So far, I have about 1,450 amusing names in a .doc file.

Mike D.
 
Here's the really funny part. Thats not his real name. He gave that to the news crew and they interviewed him using it. They've since pulled the video from their archives.

Way better than having someone at the mall page Heywood Jahblowme or Mike Hunt.

According to Intellius, the only Litoris in the US is Mike Litoris in....Bonerville WV.

Pretty sure thats something someone stuck on a form somewhere and nobody caught until it was sucked up into the data aggregator...
 
Lawnmower and Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
If a man says something in a forest and no one hears him - is he still wrong?

Mike Hunt is one of my favorites :rolleyes:
 
The Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 
The preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collections plates on Sundays, so he learned hypnosis. He began preaching his sermons in a monotone. He swung a watch slowly in front of the lecturn, and at the end of the sermon he said, "Give!"

It worked, and the collection plate was full of twenty-dollar bills. It worked for weeks.

Then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher say "Crap!"
 
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