It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[hakuna matata]

Top Ten Polite Ways to say your Zipper is down

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down........
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

 

[mickeyd]

After looking through a number of patient hospital charts, I made note of a several unusual entries that had been made:

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

[Elderdude]

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

 

[Elderdude]

I heard yesterday that local the pilot/hero who landed his plane safely on the Hudson has admitted that the pilots may have been partially at fault. Apparently, the geese honked first.

 

[calmloki]

Speaking of news - the young lady who recently had 8 kids is in negotiation w/ Warner Bros. for a movie version of her story. A major stumbling block is that the desired title has already been used in the James Bond series.

 

[bbbamI]

 

[SarahW]

....

 

[haha]

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Disappointment!

 

[brewer12345]

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Thought that was funny. We have our own pic from just before Xmas:

 

[Htown Harry]

 

[TromboneAl]

That's a classsic, Brewer. Be sure to save that.

 

[brewer12345]

That's a classsic, Brewer. Be sure to save that.

We will. That and the ink that we can't get off the upholstery will be good reminders.

 

[Alan]

The story of Nookie Green

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months."

This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

 

[bbbamI]

Important Women's Health Issue....

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Incarceration, Loss of motor control, Loss
of clothing, Loss of money, Loss of virginity, Table dancing, Headache,
Dehydration, Dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

[SarahW]

YouTube - Tequila ad

 

[bbbamI]

Words of Wisdom.....

 

[frayne]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (This was actually reported by a teacher.)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house in Wisconsin , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
>

 

[bbbamI]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to
smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't, ' she replied.

' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw
them into boxes of the right size. '

She didn't crack a smile.

' Oh, well. I tried, he thought. '

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Be afraid of old ladies!

Be very afraid!

They have been there...

 

[MichaelB]

New element

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 100 deputy neutrons, and 435 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 427.

These 427 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called lobbytrons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Businessatium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since the morons and lobbtrons are interchangeable.

 

[mickeyd]

Management Buzzwords

COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0.management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.

For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.

Give it a try~964=futuristic transitional programing.


No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT! And of course, your use of the phrase puts you in the driver's seat.

 

[hakuna matata]

Group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
​

 

[frayne]

The Mustang Ranch and $850 billion bail-out

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that doesn't make you nervous, what does

 

[Walt34]

Bill the biker had a crash and was left in a coma.

He came around after two weeks and the doctor was trying to explain his injuries to him. "Well," said the doc, "there's some good news and some bad news. Firstly I have to tell you you'll never work again."

To that, Bill replied, "Ok doc, gimme the bad news".

 

[Walt34]

Frank's barn burned down and his wife, Annie, called the insurance company and said "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute Annie...insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Annie replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

 

[Walt34]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."