It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little tipsy, and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men....are men.
 
Who's on First (revised)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO:! Yeah, f or my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?</SPAN>

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............?



 
Getting an early start on a stimulus package infrastructure project:



 

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OVER 50 EXERCISE ROUTINE

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Damn,
'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
 
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.
I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in
all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me
in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak
into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his
friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
 
So funny I pee'd a lil





What do you get when you breed a pitbull with a collie?





A dog that bites your face-off and then runs for help.



LOLOLOL
 
An Irishman went to confession. "Father," he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon,another Irishman entered the confessional."Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ....just enough to reveal that she wasn'twearing any underwearThe priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
 
3 nuns were painting a room in the new town community center. They bought all the paint, supplies, etc, but one of them mentioned the lack of paint clothing, and the mass they had to attend later in the day. They all decide to paint naked. As the day wore on, a knock comes at the door. The nuns shout "who is it?" The reply came, "blind man!" The nuns decide there is no harm letting him in.

One of the nuns opens the door, to which the man comes in and says: "woah, nice tits! So where you want the blinds?"
 
This almost put a lump in my throat . . .I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.. I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love,
harmony, peace, and joy...an image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with all of you.

All I ask is that you take a moment to reflect on it.
 

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Just for everyone's info, I scanned the above bitmap and it's not infected. I hate opening attachments like this. :police:
 
Are These Items Male or Female?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought I'd say male didn't you? But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 
The Department Of Defense briefed the President this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a Brazilian?"

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
 
A guy gets a notice from the IRS requesting him to appear in person for an audit. He asks his accountant how he should prepare. The accountant suggests he wear his oldest, most worn out clothes and shoes with the soles falling off. That way the IRS would think he didn’t have enough money to pursue. He then asks his lawyer the same question, and the lawyer recommends he wear his best suit with newly shined shoes, to show he wasn’t afraid and had nothing to hide.

He wasn’t sure what to do, so that night over dinner he asked his wife. She said “Let me tell you a story. When we got married I asked my mother what to wear that first night of the honeymoon. She said to put on an old flannel gown with a high collar and a floor length bathrobe. That way my new husband would get used to seeing me the way he would for many years afterwards.

I wasn’t sure, so I asked my closest best friend. She said to put on a see-thru baby-doll negligee made from soft black silk, so whenever he thought about our wedding night he would remember me at my finest.

Her husband wasn’t following, so he asked – “honey, that’s fine but what does it have to do with the tax audit? Her response was "Well, dear, it really doesn’t matter what you wear or how you look, because you’re going to get screwed no matter what."
 
If a man is out in the woods and makes a statement and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
 
How many pschologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to 'want' to change.
 
a joke but actually the best explanation yet of current meltdown

To increase sales, a bar owner allows customers, most of whom are unemployed alcoholics, to drink now and pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on an internal ledger, effectively granting the customers’ loans. Word gets out and increasing numbers of customers flood the bar. Taking advantage of the customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, the owner increases the price of beer – the most oft ordered beverage. Sales volume soars.

A young, dynamic loan officer at her bank recognizes the customer debts as valuable future assets and continually increases the bar owner’s line of credit. He sees no reason for concern since the line is backed by the debts of the unemployed alcoholics. At corporate headquarters, expert investment bankers transform the debts into CDOs – collateralized drinking obligations – which trade on markets worldwide. No one really understands what the abbreviation means or how the securities are guaranteed, but their prices continuously climb. One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank decides it would be prudent to demand payment of some of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heather’s bar. The risk manager is immediately fired.

Eventually, the bar owner cannot fulfill her obligations and defaults. CDO prices drop 98%. Suppliers, having granted generous terms and having invested in the CDOs, are in a tough spot. One beer supplier files for bankruptcy protection and another is taken over by a competitor. Following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations, the bank is saved by a massive cash infusion from the Fed. Congress raises the necessary funds by levying a tax on people who don’t drink.
 
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