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Old 07-06-2008, 05:44 PM   #1441
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Originally Posted by haha View Post
nothing.


The best in a long time
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My cat thinks it's a chicken
Old 07-08-2008, 02:40 PM   #1442
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My cat thinks it's a chicken

1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken.

2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet?

1st Woman: We need the eggs.
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Old 07-08-2008, 02:42 PM   #1443
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Differences Between You And Your Boss


When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
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Old 07-10-2008, 12:23 PM   #1444
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THIS IS TRULY FREAKY................BUT MAKES SENSE NOW

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years
ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside
Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has
long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies
and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Certainly hope this
piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:02 PM   #1445
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Were ANY of those people actually born in March 1948? Take that lame "joke" to the soapbox forum.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:36 PM   #1446
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Assuming they didn't use their political might to change public records (to cover up the alien tie), then Wikipedia says the following.

Al Gore - March 31, 1948
Bill Clinton - August 19, 1946
Hillary Rodham Clinton - October 26, 1947
John Kerry - December 11, 1943
Howard Dean - November 17, 1948
Nancy Pelosi - March 26, 1940
Dianne Feinstein - June 22, 1933
Charles Schumer - November 23, 1950
Barbara Boxer - November 11, 1940
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:45 PM   #1447
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My apologies- that was e-mailed to me and the source (my wife) apparently is losing credibility.
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A Miser Joke
Old 07-22-2008, 12:26 AM   #1448
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A Miser Joke

A ill miser knew his days were numbered, so called his family to his deathbed. He told his family

"I will leave you the house, the land, and plenty of assets, but I need to take some with me. To that end, I have prepared a small pouch containing precious stones, gold pieces, and jewelry. I have placed that pouch up in the attic. When I die, my soul will float up to heaven. On the way I will grab that pouch. If any of you happen to see it, do not touch it".

His family honored his wish, and the miser died a few days later. After the funeral, his son was cleaning up the attic when he found the pouch placed between the rafters.

He ran down calling his mother

"Mom, I found the pouch. Dad never took it with him".

The widow, examining the pouch, mumbled

"Darn old fool! He should have put it down in the basement".


PS. I thought this was good, and remembered it. Couldn't claim it was my original.
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Old 07-23-2008, 01:19 PM   #1449
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FINALLY…THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally aske d.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go
! I didn't realize you were a cop!'
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Old 07-23-2008, 01:46 PM   #1450
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In a recent survey, people from Detroit have
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.
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Old 07-24-2008, 02:58 PM   #1451
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It'd be funnier if I wasn't living it...

A small, family owned company and a large corporation decided to have a
canoe race on the Missouri River.

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance
before the race.

On the big day, the family owned company won by an hour.

The large company, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made
up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend
appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the small company had 8 people rowing and 1
person steering, while the large company had 8 people steering and 1
person rowing.

So the large company management hired a consulting firm and paid them a
large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many
people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the family, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
"Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners, and free
pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes,
and other equipment, and extra vacation days for practices, as well as
bonuses.

The next year the family owned company won by two hours.
Humiliated, the large company management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's
racing team was outsourced to India.
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Old 07-24-2008, 03:35 PM   #1452
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Marquette, your post reminded me of this one:

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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Charlie goes to Candy Mountain
Old 07-24-2008, 03:54 PM   #1453
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Charlie goes to Candy Mountain

Hey,

Better with a buzz, whatever your into...

Kinda freaky voices. Reminds me of Michael Jackson. Maybe that's why it's so funny...



Enjoy

W
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Retirement planning, financial planning and marriage planning
Old 07-25-2008, 04:32 PM   #1454
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Retirement planning, financial planning and marriage planning

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”
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Old 07-26-2008, 12:18 PM   #1455
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A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell NO, they ain't. The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why in the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, replied the greeter. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
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Shopping
Old 07-29-2008, 06:25 PM   #1456
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Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful complementary cream slice from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
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British Weather
Old 07-29-2008, 06:27 PM   #1457
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British Weather

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury, and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as 'British Weather', To avoid offending a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'
In other words, partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
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GOLF vs SEX
Old 07-29-2008, 06:53 PM   #1458
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GOLF vs SEX

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure" and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
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Poke @ Marriage by us guys...
Old 07-30-2008, 01:49 PM   #1459
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Poke @ Marriage by us guys...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
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Old 07-30-2008, 01:53 PM   #1460
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Doctor: Mr. Perkins, you have to stop masturbating.
Mr. Perkins: Why?
Doctor: Because I need to examine you now.
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