It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[FinanceDude]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh....yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO SH#T!' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Psych!!!

 

[FinanceDude]

An old one:

Guy plays in an outing and the next day comes to work looking wiped out. His work buddy says: "Man, you look terrible"!

The guy replies: "The group ahead of us was slower than hell. It took 7 hours to get done"........

"SEVEN HOURS"?, his buddy says.....who was in the group in front of you?

"Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy, and OJ Simpson", was the reply......

"That doesn't sound too bad, Kennedy has been playing golf forever, all OJ does is play golf, how bad can Heid Fleiss be at golf"?

The guy says: "Well, Heidi Fleiss kept hooking, OJ kept slicing, and Ted Kennedy kept PUTIING THEM IN THE WATER"!!!!!

 

[FinanceDude]

Question: What do you call a happy marriage?

Answer: One that's OVER.........

 

[mickeyd]

Why God Would Never Receive Tenure at the Local University~

* He had only one major publication.
* It was in Hebrew.
* It has no references
* It was not published in a referenced journal.
* Some doubt He wrote it himself.
* He may have created the world, but what has He done since then?
* The scientific community cannot replicate His results.
* He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
* When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it by drowning the subjects.
* He rarely came to class and just told His students, "Read the BOOK!"
* Some say He had His Son teach the class.
* He expelled His first two students.
* His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
* Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed them

 

[Meadbh]

Important Milestone Ahead!

Ladies and Gentlemen:

This is page 100 on my computer and post #1981 on the Forum's favourite thread.

How shall we celebrate the 2000th joke?

 

[bbbamI]

Ladies and Gentlemen:

This is page 100 on my computer and post #1981 on the Forum's favourite thread.

How shall we celebrate the 2000th joke?

I think we should all "belly up to the bar" and toast the fact that we still have a sense of humor these daze............

 

[harley]

How shall we celebrate the 2000th joke?

First we need to figure out how many duplicates there are. I'm sure I've read the same jokes here at least four or five times.

 

[vicente solano]

At the beach.

A little boy is playing near the shore with a little shovel building sand castles. Suddenly a gigantic wave sweeps part of the beach, taking away the boy.
His father, startled, stops playing with his mobile phone, runs to the shore and, despeate, addresses God:
"You can´t do this to me. I´m a good Catholic, go to Mass every Sunday, and even, now and then, give some money to the poor! Please do something! Give me back my little boy!
Just then an impressive thunderbolt strikes - a sure sign of a miracle about to happen- and a great wave returns the child to the shore, safe and sound.
The father hugs his son fiercely for a moment and then looks up at the sky and says to the Almighty in a tremulous voice:
"Lord.....
What about the little shovel....?"

 

[Htown Harry]

An Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into the home and outdoor deck of Nick Krupp on Friday morning, July 17, 2009. According to a witness, the vehicle was parked in the driveway. The driver lurched the vehicle forward instead of backing out of the driveway, hitting Krupp's deck and cracking the foundation of his house.

Readers at several news sites are having a field day:

I'm sure he's not going to relish paying for the necessary repairs

If he puts it in reverse he can catsup with the rest of the Weinermobiles

Just goes to prove, it's not the horsepower, it's the parking job...
This was clearly an act of dog

Sometimes a wienermobile is just a wienermobile...

Ok folks everybody calm down. The house clearly appears to be over 18 years old and is of age. However it seems the wiener mobile entered without consent.

And it wasn't wearing a condiment

The driver said it was the wurst thing that ever happened to her.

Did you notice it happened in Mount Pleasant, WI?

 

[mickeyd]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[vicente solano]

No sexism intended-
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380 SL convertible.

 

[HFWR]

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

65.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
filling:
1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 aches:
1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line

454 graham crackers:
1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones:
1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:
1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks:
1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin

10 rations:
1 decoration

100 rations:
1 C-ration

2 monograms:
1 diagram

8 nickels:
2 paradigms

 

[calmloki]

Buaahahahaha:

[SIZE=+2]AT&T[/SIZE] [Editor's note: This was written by Robert Byron. It can also be found on his site, which he sent to me, although when I tried this link it didn't work...anyway, it's reprinted with his permission, so if you forward it please leave this attribution intact.]
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a
phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
( When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.)
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

 

[bbbamI]

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL (PRICELESS!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

 

[Trek]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Wyoming as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and
a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday
night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out
here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years
in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom,
warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'



'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[Westernskies]

Ladies and Gentlemen:

This is page 100 on my computer and post #1981 on the Forum's favourite thread.

How shall we celebrate the 2000th joke?

I offer a toast to the memory of CFB, the Funny Joke Thursday thread starter; whose wisdom, sense of humor, recipes, and timely irreverance many of us on FIRE really miss. Here's to the bunny, wherever he is!

 

[TromboneAl]

Someone should contact him and tell him to get his fuzzy little butt back here.

 

[vicente solano]

Couples.

John: I mean, what AM I supposed to call you? My Girlfriend? My Companion? My Roommate?. Nothing sounds quite right!
Susan: How about... Your Reason For Living?
John: No, no, I need something I can use around the office.

 

[Alan]

Three parrots

three Parrots slide down the chutes. (Just watch & wait )

 

[mickeyd]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects

'I can't do the gas thing The thought of having the gas mask on is
Suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
Pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you
Something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[SarahW]

RETIREMENT BONUS

The military decided that they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first, an Army officer, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second, An Air Force officer, was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzled old Navy pilot who when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension guys suggested that the pilot might want to reconsider, and explained about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old pilot insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and told the pilot to "Drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed a tape measure on the tip of the pilot’s penis and began to work back. "Dear Lord," he suddenly exclaimed, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," said the pilot.

 

[vicente solano]

At the confessional.

Sinner: Father, I want to confess to an extraordinary sin I committed yesterday. I was at the beach with my girlfriend, suntanning, and suddenly I couldn´t help myself but touch one of her breasts.
Priest: Hold on in there,....Was the petting over or under the bra...?
Sinner: Oh no no! It was over the bra!
Priest: Son, you are a regular ar*****e! Don´t you know that under the bra you would have committed the same sin and be in for the same punishment!

 

[bbbamI]

This may have been posted already, but I'm to lazy to check...so here goes.......The difference between the North and South...

The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.


FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ....

In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store...Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way.. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

 

[calmloki]

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

 

[vicente solano]

Calmoki:
Just got myself a kitten. Now I know what I am in for!