Its funny joke Thursday!

[jIMOh]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[VaCollector]

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our Days interesting.

Well......

The other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket?

Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!!

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him 'Barney Fife'.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the wind shield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said 'OBAMA in '08.'


I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

[Walt34]

In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 Mhz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."

Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."

Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"

Aircraft: "This is a United States fighter. Send 'em up!"

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[honobob]

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. Remember, this is strictly a mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER: SOME
PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.'

[kb56]

Global Warming Causes ....

[kumquat]

IMPORTANT WARNING:

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

[TromboneAl]

Hugh Hefner asked Sarah Palin if she would pose nude for Playboy.

She said yes, as long as there was no interview.

[jIMOh]

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

[bruce1]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1 . The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).

2 . Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S . English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3 . July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5 . Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6 . All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7 . The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8 . You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9 . The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

1 0. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played professionally outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!



Don't Shoot me as a lot of this applies to Canada as well and it is a Joke.

Bruce

[Alan]

A message from the Queen

That missive sounds very much like it came from from John Cleese, who, during the Bill Clinton years listed the top 3 differences between the USA and England as:

1. The English speak english

2. When England holds a World Championship they invite other countries.

3. In England when you meet the head of state you only have to go down on 1 knee.

[bbbamI]

Yeah, I know there is a high groan factor on this one, but it's the best I can do now...

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow.? Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non -prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.? In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults:?Practice safe sects!

[bbbamI]

What is in a name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen", she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked.

He replied, "B.J.Titsengolf."

[slouch]

Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit

Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!

Q. What does 70 year old p**sy taste like?
A. Depends!

[Finance Dave]

This one should fit in with the ER theme...

A guy walks in to apply for welfare.

Clerk: Sir, first I must take down some info on your assets. Do you have any vehicles?

Guy: Yes, I have a 23 year old Dodge Omni. It's pretty broken down, but it does run barely.

Clerk: Ok, good, now ...how about a house?

Guy: Uh...yes, I have a house, it's 3 bedrooms with ceramic tile throughout, a full basement, and granite countertops.

Clerk: Wow, that's great! Now, how about other "pleasure" crafts, such as boats, etc.?

Guy: Well, I have 3 jet skis, a pontoon boat, a speed boat, and a 60 foot yacht in the harbor.

Clerk: You're kidding me!

Guy: Well you started it.

[d]

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and
Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[Eagle43]

Good Stock Market Sense
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

[MikeD]

Originally Posted by Eagle43

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

Back in 1967, when I was 13, our school's janitor, Homer, had a little plaque on the wall with that written on it.

Funny then, funny now.

Mike D.

[TromboneAl]

After a long and healthy life, TromboneAl is lying on his deathbed. "Lena, are you here?" he says.

"Yes, I'm here." she replies.

"Are all the kids here?" he asks.

"Yes, they are here."

"Are all the relatives here?"

"Yes, they are all here."

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"