It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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A fiftyish woman suffers a massive heart attack. While she is in extremis being operated on, she has a close to death experience and sees God.
She asks Him if it is true that she going to die.
God answers: "Not at all, you´ve still got 30 or 40 years left on you!

When she comes to from the anaesthesia she tells herself that, since she is in a hospital and with such a long life ahead of her, she might as well use this oportunity and undergo all sorts of plastic surgeries and leave the hospital a stunning sexy young woman.

When she is just leaving the hospital and out in the street, anticipating all the fun the new her is going to have, she is run over by a bus.

Back at the same hospital -and again under surgery- nothing can be done for her and she dies.

Whe she sees God at the Pearly Gates she demands angrily: But what the f*** is this? Didn´t You tell me a couple of months ago that I had almost 40 years left?

God, terribly embarrassed, says: Yeah Yeah....But I swear I swear....I DIDNT RECOGNIZE YOU´---!!
 
I´m afraid this joke loses a lot in translation, but anyway, here it goes:

We´ve got this postman in his last day of work. He starts his route and on every house he is greeted with congratulations and presents or tips. When he reaches his last stop of his route, the beautiful woman who lives there invites him in, serves him a coffee ...and suddenly undresses and takes him by the hand to the bedroom. Makes love to him for two hours. The postman is ecstatic and exhausted.
After the torrid session the woman offers him another coffee. When the mailman picks up the cup he notices that there is a 10 dollar bill on the saucer. Surprised he asks: Well you know you´ve already treated me to the most fantastic present....why this bill?
The woman shrugs and replies: "you know, I told my husband that today would be the last on your job and that we should show you some sort of gratitude for your good work...and my husband said: "F**k HIM! JUST GIVE HIM TEN BUCKS..."


PS. My sincere apologies if you don´t find it funny. In Spain it was quite popular.
 
Oh Vicente...that was hysterical! :LOL:

...ok, now it's my turn....

An Englishman walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A Welshman walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his $50.

Another Englishman walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This Englishman also pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them in a confused fashion for several minutes.

"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
 
Not sure if this one is a joke....:)

FOOLPROOF LOVE TEST.
1. Lock up your dog and your wife inside the trunk of your car.
2. Keep them inside there for an hour exactly (otherwise the results of the test would be inaccurate)
3. Proceed to slowly open the trunk.
4. Check out which of the two is really happy to see you again.

JUST WHAT i´VE SAID......NEVER FAILS!!!!

Note: This experiment can -theoretically- be tried with husbands, too.
 
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "No matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret..."
 
A chess tournament was being held at a big hotel. One evening a bunch of the competitors were hanging around the reception area, talking but apparently not causing too much bother.

The hotel manager however tells to move on. After they'd gone the person on duty at reception asked why he chased them off as they certainly weren't getting in his way. The manager replied, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"
 
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet and hunger strikes,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him, (Oh, man, this is so bad),
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
vicente solano said:
One quick glance at your row of emoticons was enough to make me dizzy....:) Can´t get what they are supposed to mean....:D
Click to expand...
Mmm, hmmm...sure Vicente....;)

Well, if you really want to fall off your trolley, take a look at this one...
sFun_tornado.gif
 
If you are the prudish type, you may not want to read this, and yes, it is a COARSE joke but damn it is funny.


..................... WARNING, may offend ................................



Bullfrogs and Blow Jobs


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. '

“Well, It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month!” he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.'
 
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.


NowI have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis
 
French Paratrooper

Okay, fair warning. Not as bad as the bullfrog joke, but close :D

The French Paratroopers

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told ' im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your derriere!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle ...at ze beginning."
 
School Teacher Arressted

School Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, a spokesman for the department of Homeland Security said, "This is unprecedented. If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
 
An independist Catalonian and a unionist Andalusian are walking along the street in Madrid and, suddenly, they find a very strange bottle. The Catalonian picks it up, uncorks it, and.... out comes a genie.
The genie tells them that, out of gratitude for releasing him, he is going to give them each whatever they wish.
The Catalonian says that he wants a wall long, high and strong enough to surround Catalonia and separate It from the rest of Spàin. Thus, at long last, Catalonia shall be able rule Itself without interference from Spain.
The genie complies and builds a wall that completely satisfies the Catalonian: a wall 1.500 km long, 5 km high and 500m wide.
"Now it´s your turn", the genie tells the Andalusian, who asks if the wall really is hermetic, airtight and islolates Catalonia.
"Absolutely" replies the genie.
The Andalusian: "Well, then, if that is the case.....mmm...FILL IT WITH WATER..!"
 
Funny for women (but I thought it was a hoot as well)

This is, so I am told, an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

>
> Dear Mr. Thatcher,
>
> I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
> and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
> Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
> or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
> the beach in tight, white shorts.
>
> But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
> Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
> is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
> I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
>
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
> haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.
> As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
> through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
> I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
> hillbilly with knife skills.'
>
> Isn't the human body amazing?
>
> As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
> seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
> customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
> about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
> intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
> surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
>
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
> crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
> the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
> so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
> opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
> were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
>
> Are you frigging kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
> middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
> happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
> mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
> FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
> anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
> Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
> march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
> sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
>
> For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
> moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
> something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
> 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
>
> Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
> immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
> chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
> certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
> brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.
>
> Always.
>
> Wendi Aarons
> Austin, TX
 
MY BBQ rules

It is important for you to knowthe etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts!

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
 
mickeyd said:
It is important for you to knowthe etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts!

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
Click to expand...


GRUNT...SCRATCH..

unghghg

ooooop

ME FORGOT SNORT HAHA
 
Not really a joke, but this is so funny I have to post it. This story is from the Baton Rouge Advocate today and the Toyota dealership in question is one I have visited many, many times.

2theadvocate.com | News | Man’s truck strikes BR Toyota dealership — Baton Rouge, LA

A man who attempted to return his recalled Toyota pickup truck to All Star Toyota on Airline Highway on Saturday crashed into the dealership building when his allegedly faulty accelerator stuck, the Baton Rouge Police Department reported.

The crash caused extensive damage to the truck involved, but no major injuries were reported, said Lt. Todd G. Lee Sr., chief of administrative services for the Police Department.

Mikel Valviva sought to return his truck to the dealership at 9150 Airline Highway, saying he no longer wanted it because of the recall on the accelerator, Lee said.
Click to expand...
 
Subject: Senior Road Trip.......

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. The elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

All the way back to the restaurant, the elderly husband fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
 
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