It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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braumeister said:
What a hoot!
I always think of Singapore as probably the most highly civilized city on the planet (sometimes a good thing, but not always). It's nice to see how much fun people had with the original letter.
Click to expand...

Yes, but it was very civilized fun. And there were very few spelling errors.
 
Meadbh said:
Yes, but it was very civilized fun. And there were very few spelling errors.
Click to expand...

Yes, DW & I commented on the high level of literacy & inventiveness.

By the way......
 
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Ed_The_Gypsy said:
The Brits have 2 [lower case] 'L's in 'traveling', BTW. As far as they are concerned, WE have the spelling errors.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Early Retirement Forum mobile app
Click to expand...

I use two Ls in Travelling. I am not a WE, but I recognize linguistic variations. When in Rome....
 
Groaners
1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
 
Senior moments explained.

 
This may bring a tear to your eye.

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
















"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 
I ran across this today. I recognize all of them/

Small Town Quotes
Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this.
Those who didn't will be in disbelief.
1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)
4) You used to "drag" Main.
5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.
6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow).
8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.
10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references.
Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field.
13) The golf course had only 9 holes.
14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
16) The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty," but was actually just like your town.
17) You referred to anyone with a house newer than 1965 as the "rich people."
18) The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.
19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station, drive-in or the town bar.
20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.
24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
27) The closest McDonalds was 45 miles away (or more).
28) The closest mall was over an hour away.
29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
30) Most people went by a nickname.
31) You laughed your head off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town.
 
ImageUploadedByEarly Retirement Forum1451597610.743972.jpg
 
Machief went to a zoo in Pretoria, South Africa. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind blew dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelids, the gorilla went crazy, bent the bars and beat him crazy. When he recovered, he went to the zookeeper who told him, 'Sorry, pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language.
Machief was not satisfied with the explanation and vowed revenge. The next day, he bought 2 hats, 2 horns, 2 long knives and a sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he went to the zoo and stood in front of the gorilla's cage. He tossed the gorilla a knife, a hat, and a horn. Knowing gorillas to be great mimics, he put a hat on his head and the gorilla did the same. Next he blew the horn and the gorilla did the same thing.
Machief whipped the sausage out of his pants and sliced it into two. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at its crotch, looked at Machief and pulled down its eyelids.
 
the five symptoms of laziness

1)
 
A Short History of Medicine

2000 BC Here, eat this root.
1000 AD That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1980 AD That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2010 AD That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
 
braumeister said:
A Short History of Medicine

2000 BC Here, eat this root.
1000 AD That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1980 AD That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2010 AD That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Click to expand...
:LOL::LOL:
 
I was sent this by a friend. Figured there were enough of us introverts here to appreciate it.
 

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The International Rules of Manhood:

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
 
mickeyd said:
The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Click to expand...

The International Rules of Manhood (West Coast Edition):

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless they routinely violate #28.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
(e) The sister in #5 is REALLY HOT
(f) You are in prison (#13) and lose

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. Or, will be forced into #14.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. The only acceptable excuse is if you're engaging in #24.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. Or, if she visits you in #13.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. Violators will be forced to engage in the dread #14 & #28.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. And, be on the lookout for #15, to take advantage of the situation.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. Unless it's the woman in #10, then her bladder determines pit stops.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. Unless you're currently violating #14.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. If you've completed #10, it overrides #5. For those who are counting, that means: Prison can lead to climactic sex & farting.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. Ironically, this does not override #5, if the topless model is your buddy's sister.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. If he violates #21, that qualifies.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. Even in prison, attempt #14 before getting naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. See #28.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. Unless he's the guy in #17, in which case you tell him he'll never be able to satisfy her; then you buy him a #11, followed by attempting #24 with his female companion.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. Or, if they've survived #10.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Or, stay at home & do #24 followed by #10.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. Yes, it is; nuff said.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Or, both wearing speedos.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. Unless, of course, he routinely violates #18.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
Unless one of you is wearing a speedo.

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Unless one of you is wearing a speedo.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. Practice #24 as frequently as possible to develop your capacity for long conversations.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. Nuff said.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. Unless it's a color in #26. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. Exception: Original diamond (sky) blue 1956 T-Bird.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story. Followed by "flatulent entertainment!"

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. To quote the Most Interesting Man in the World, "I don't always watch ice skating or gymnastics but, when I do, I watch it in a speedo under an umbrella with my best buddy."

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd. (West Coast Edition)
 
mickeyd said:
The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Click to expand...

29: If you hurt yourself don't cry like a little girl.

30: If you see another man hurt himself, especially with a tool or sharp object, show your empathy by saying "It's a long way from your heart".
 
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A facebook friend sent this to me.
 

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