It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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#5 is my favorite.
 
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Squirrels

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels slide in and drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.
Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with another strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and set him free. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
 
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.

It was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” said the mom.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
 
An old scotsman was sleeping off his pub evening on a park bench. A couple of young ladies from Britain were walking by, and joked about the rumor that scotsman typically lack any garments under their kilts. They decided to peek in order to check their facts.

Confirming there were no under garments, they gently tied a ribbon where it would look best, and moved along.

When the scotsman awake soon after, he needed to use a nearby bush to relieve himself. Looking down, he saw the blue ribbon carefully tied. "Hoot man" he said aloud. "I don't know what you were doing last night, but it's good to see you took first prize."
 
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Roger, eighty-five, marries Jenny, a lovely twenty-five year old.

Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"
 
Three nuns die and go to heaven. Upon arrival at the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter who states, “My apologies Sisters, but unfortunately prior to entering, all candidates must answer correctly, one question.”
The nuns a bit chagrined at this after many years of service to the Lord, reluctantly agreed.
St. Peter said, “Sister number one, who was the first man on Earth?” The Sister quickly stated, “Adam”. DUM-DE-DEE-DUM-DEE-DUM….THETUMPLETS BLARED, the gates opened and in she walked.
The remaining Sisters thought to themselves, “My that was an easy question.” St. Peter then asks, “Sister number two, who was the first woman on earth?” Sister two yells “Eve!”
DUM-DE-DEE-DUM-DEE-DUM….THETUMPLETS BLARED, the gates opened and in she walked.
At this, Sister number three thought, “These questions are easy, I’m a shoe-in.” St. Peter looks at Sister number three and asks, “Sister, what were the first words that Eve said to Adam?” She thought and thought and finally said, “Jeez, that’s a hard one!”
DUM-DE-DEE-DUM-DEE-DUM….THE TUMPLETS BLARED!!!!!!!
 
What are Tumplets? :confused:
 
The search for intelligent life
 

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An old scotsman was sleeping off his pub evening on a park bench. A couple of young ladies from Britain were walking by, and joked about the rumor that scotsman typically lack any garments under their kilts. They decided to peek in order to check their facts.

Confirming there were no under garments, they gently tied a ribbon where it would look best, and moved along.

When the scotsman awake soon after, he needed to use a nearby bush to relieve himself. Looking down, he saw the blue ribbon carefully tied. "Hoot man" he said aloud. "I don't know what you were doing last night, but it's good to see you took first prize."

 
My old scotsman joke has been put to music! That was fast.....


Thanks Ark for posting the above. I had no idea where the joke came from, but there it is. Love it!
 
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Headstones From Old Cemeteries

Browsing Old Cemeteries

=========================

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the Car was on the way down.
It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
all dressed up and no Place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.

============================ =

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And The Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace Wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast....
Pardon him For not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange..

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went Out of tune.
==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================

In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.

=============================

The one I like is in the opening segment of the movie Tombstone , as the camera pans Boot Hill, which reads:
"Here lies Les Moore killed by four shots from a 44 --
No Les, No More"

=============================

Highway 16 West of the Tacoma Narrows is a state highway sign reading, Cemetery - Dead Ahead


==================================
 
Here's one from Boothill
 

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If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary.
 
So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 
So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

<snip>

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Schrödinger - The chicken could be simultaneously on both side of the road at once in a state of quantum superposition waiting for somebody to observe it.
 
Christopher Nolan - Did the chicken cross the road? We might have all just had the memory implanted, in reverse, of a chicken backing across the road by a mind-reading, time-traveling, crime-fighting farmer from so deep in the past that it just might be the future.
 
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ARKANSAS FARM KID in the Marines
(PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and
130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
 
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Heisenberg, If we know where the chicken is, we can not know the chicken's speed.
 
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


 
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