More arguing after ER?

[aja8888]

Brewer, let me tell you what some retired friends of mine do each weekday. Most have been retired for a few years and have faced similar experiences you are facing. They agree to meet each morning at the local Burger King for breakfast and have some talk about each other's plans for the rest of the day. This group is growing and I may join it soon (I was invited). Some guys hit the golf course and some have projects they are working on like building a fence, etc. This group probably is not uncommon in most metro areas. A little bit of new friendship and bonding goes a long way here.

Now I don't know if you have retired friends, or if you are in an area where a bunch of you could get together daily (depending on who's around), but it makes for a better start of the day than meeting with DW.

If this is not your cup of tea, maybe get a part time job? I have a friend who retired from HP as a Director of something or other, and he found a three day a week job at Home Depot. He loves it and digs in hard there.

Well, it's clear that you need to change something or adapt somehow. It's not easy for guys and gals who worked a long time to end up in the situation you describe, but clearly, you are not alone.

 

[gozer]

I have only been retired for a month. So far I don't think there is much change. With work stress and 24x7 mental drain removed, my mind seems to belong to me again. Therefore there are fewer instances of, "weren't you listening when I said ...". Improvement in that area may have compensated for an increase in intellectual discourse.

 

[HFWR]

You need to look inside. How about getting some one on one counseling if you don't want to start out with joint?

Hey, it's Colorado; why not start with a joint?

Brewer, I'm not married (been there, done that, twice...) and not FIREd yet either, so no help there. I somewhat agree that "counseling", as defined as someone else "solving" your problems, is BS. But I did attend some counseling sessions - four, because that's all the HI would pay for... - after a particularly hurtful breakup. I just needed to talk to someone who was willing to listen, even if for a fee. The counselor mostly did just listen; no foofy, feelgood Oprahesque gobbledy gook, which I probably wouldn't have listened to anyway...

 

[JBmadera]

It's been a real rough adjustment for me. I've added stuff to do most days away from the house just so I get some space. Hopefully it will get better over time and actually it is a bit better than it was the first 6 months.

Good luck!

 

[haha]

I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?

After I retired (she was stay at home Mom) my former wife got frustrated with me taking the kids to play tennis or go fishing. It was her choice to do other things, but never the less if she got very frustrated she might yell "Why don't you get a job?". I never said back, why don't you?

I've made it clear before that I think a youngish married man is much better off with a job or business than home subject to his wife' s moods. Most people here seem to strongly disagree. But then, we all know that this forum is a special planet.

Ha

 

[calmloki]

yeah. We are both pretty strong in our opinions of what should be done and by nature are problem solvers. I tend toward a minimum effort for maximum result; she is strongly result oriented with no thought toward effort expended. Makes for some problems when she no longer has a crew of mechanics to boss or her own fiefdom to rule and I no longer handle the day-to-day alligator wrestling with the rentals. Coupla chiefs with a lack of indians.

 

[Letj]

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

I have to say, I agree with you. I think talking to a reasonable friend is probably just as good. Counselors are a huge waste of money and sometimes make matters worse. In our society counseling is sacred but that's because many people have no one to talk to anymore.

 

[jon-nyc]

A friend of mine once said about her husband retiring "great, half the income and twice the husband. Just what I need".

They're divorcing now, 35 years in.


Could she be stressed about a financial situation that seems more precarious? My wife has real problems with the idea of living off a portfolio. She's wired to view it as 'burning through savings'. Spreadsheets may convince her intellectually, but emotionally it's hard for her.

 

[Fishingmn]

My MIL had to go out and get a job after the FIL retired just so they didn't have so much time together. She's still doing a 20-30 hour a week job at 74 and loves what she is doing.

 

[hausfrau]

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

I tend to agree.

What are your schedules like? Although DH isn't retired yet, one thing that works in our favor is that he is a night owl and I get up earlier. I think everyone needs alone time. I turn in around 10 to do some reading and he is in the living room until about 1 or 2 am.

 

[Accidental Retiree]

Actually, I came here asking if others had experienced something similar. As usual, the replies were more, um, fulsome than just that.

Hi, Brewer,

I am going to start by saying this: If all you wanted was Yes/No answers, you could have set up a poll and sidestepped the fulsome replies of a bunch of people who care very much about you and your situation and apparently have done so for some time.

Just Yes/No is not what you were looking for, it seems to me.
Really, is just knowing others have argued more, or not, all you want here?

I say this because your comment about a "hunting accident that wasn't" worries me.

Also, like W2R, I also noted immediately your lack of respect for your wife's profession, so I think to myself, maybe retirement is not the only problem here. It's during all this new time together that a lot of other stuff may be surfacing, if it's there.

Yes, DH and I have argued more. We have more time to argue, for one thing, and we have also been working out our new ways of living.

It has not been an easy 5 years along the way after he got whacked by a RIF, as Ziggy put it. It took its toll on him, and on our marriage, in many ways.

However, we've made it through, we seem to have our lives back -- no, I take that back -- we have a better life than we had.

I had to get him to the state that "the worst day of retirement is better than the best day w*rking." It is still not always smooth sailing, but then, hey, when is it ever?

A month and a half is not very long into this transition at all.

But if you are seriously considering abusing the contents of your gun safe, I hope you talk to your doctor.

You didn't work and anticipate retirement to end up taking a long walk in the woods to not come back, now, did you?

You don't have to do this alone, so I do hope you keep reaching out to get whatever feedback you need along the way.

 

[Meadbh]

+1000

 

[brewer12345]

I've made it clear before that I think a youngish married man is much better off with a job or business than home subject to his wife' s moods. Most people here seem to strongly disagree. But then, we all know that this forum is a special planet.

Ha

Wisdom is such a precious commodity, Ha. You could bottle it and sell it and have a much bigger pile, I suspect.

 

[Moemg]

My SO & I retired at different times . He retired first then I retired then he took a part time job and then we both did very part time jobs from home . The only time we argued was when he retired and I was still working for a few more months . I resented the fact that he was home and I was not even though he did all the cooking .Once I retired peace reigned in the household . Maybe your wife would also like a break and does not know how to express it. Plus she is probably also nervous about the finances .

 

[Katsmeow]

I do think DH and I have more arguments since he retired and I semi-retired. We've always tended to, I guess I would call it bickering. It isn't serious in that it doesn't threaten our marriage. I don't even really see it as conflict. But, there is more of it with both of us together more often than not.

We do still have kids at home (not for long, they are in college) so that does add some more stress and gives fuel to things to argument about (ie a lot of arguments are kid-related) and puts more stress.

It is helped somewhat by the fact as mentioned by someone else that we have somewhat different sleep schedules. DH goes to bed usually earlier than I do and he gets up much earlier so that gives each of us some times when it is almost like we are alone in the house.

As for counseling - as someone with an MSW (master's in social work - I don't work in the field however) - it is perhaps not surprising that I think that counseling (or psychotherapy for that matter) can be beneficial. For a time DH and I did meet with a therapist regularly regarding issues related to one of our children. I never felt that they were more on my side because of the fact that I was an LMSW.

I do think that whether there is any benefit often depends on the therapist and how their strengths and abilities match up to your issues. I saw a therapist (individually) a few years ago that I liked a lot. We got along very well. But, not much happened therapeutically. In that case, she was very sympathetic to my situation at the time (my issues were mostly related to kids) and she often agreed with my approach. As a result, she didn't push me much where she should have pushed me. So, even though she was nice and we had a good rapport, we didn't get much done. But, that has been an outlier. I have found with my kids that therapy has often been really life altering for them and I personally have found benefit in the past.

 

[eytonxav]

I assume that these present communication issues with your DW pale in comparison to what you experienced on the job, so perhaps you should take solice that life is indeed much better now. Remember, you have some control over the situation and realize it takes two to make an argument and two to fix it.

 

[brewer12345]

Maybe I will just go find another job.

 

[braumeister]

You always made it clear you were interested in escaping FROM your previous job, but never talked about what you wanted to escape TO. Sounds like you're still not sure.

 

[Letj]

I do think DH and I have more arguments since he retired and I semi-retired. We've always tended to, I guess I would call it bickering. It isn't serious in that it doesn't threaten our marriage. I don't even really see it as conflict. But, there is more of it with both of us together more often than not.

We do still have kids at home (not for long, they are in college) so that does add some more stress and gives fuel to things to argument about (ie a lot of arguments are kid-related) and puts more stress.

It is helped somewhat by the fact as mentioned by someone else that we have somewhat different sleep schedules. DH goes to bed usually earlier than I do and he gets up much earlier so that gives each of us some times when it is almost like we are alone in the house.

As for counseling - as someone with an MSW (master's in social work - I don't work in the field however) - it is perhaps not surprising that I think that counseling (or psychotherapy for that matter) can be beneficial. For a time DH and I did meet with a therapist regularly regarding issues related to one of our children. I never felt that they were more on my side because of the fact that I was an LMSW.

I do think that whether there is any benefit often depends on the therapist and how their strengths and abilities match up to your issues. I saw a therapist (individually) a few years ago that I liked a lot. We got along very well. But, not much happened therapeutically. In that case, she was very sympathetic to my situation at the time (my issues were mostly related to kids) and she often agreed with my approach. As a result, she didn't push me much where she should have pushed me. So, even though she was nice and we had a good rapport, we didn't get much done. But, that has been an outlier. I have found with my kids that therapy has often been really life altering for them and I personally have found benefit in the past.

Good to hear. My experience with therapists have been the opposite. I found that they listen and don't really give any meaningful advice or strategies on how to deal with the issue. I felt like I was paying them to just listen. Why the heck do I need them then? I could do that with friends or family. I don't think they are helpful for children either; they give children ideas and make them think of things that they may not otherwise think about. It's not always a good strategy to focus internally. Some things are better left untended. I had one asked my daughter, who I had taken to her because of focus issues in school, if she ever contemplated suicide. How asinine is that? Even if the child is not thinking about it, well just maybe the therapist would give them ideas. I find that our culture have become a therapy culture much more so that anywhere else. How ridiculous.

 

[steelyman]

I don't know, but in the 90s I was living with a fine woman but not happy. I didn't know what to do. I talked to a counselor who said one simple thing when I said I felt trapped: "if you stay, she's trapped too". The lightbulb clicked on.

 

[brewer12345]

You always made it clear you were interested in escaping FROM your previous job, but never talked about what you wanted to escape TO. Sounds like you're still not sure.

Touche.

It sure as hell was not to become a member of the debate club. Either things will change or I will go find another job.

 

[Lcountz]

May I ask what it is you feel you are "debating" about?

You say you don't believe in counseling, but isn't participating on this forum a form of counseling by like minded people....although I see not all agree with your point of view...but that's OK is it not?

Perhaps with retirement being new you need time to "exhale" and decompress from the job....it is a matter of DW scheduling your day now that you are home?

I live alone and it has taken me a year ( since Jan 4 2013) to really feel like it's over (work) and I'm free...I actually so enjoy the peace and quiet I can't imagine what it'd be like to have someone in the background even in some remote way trying to run my life....so I can empathize with you to some extent.....and 40 questions about every subject would really drive me crazy ( if that's the problem.....)

You sound depressed and angry..which is a shame when you should be feeling on top of the world.....

 

[John Galt III]

I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?

Not more arguments, but a lot more "please get the **** out of my way" incidents, directed at each other.

 

[Newventurer]

I'd be given sh!t for that for sure. Hunting season just ended and I would be gone at least a day a week pursuing whatever was in season and edible. Did not reduce incidence of excrement storms, so far as I could tell. Small children in the mix. Perhaps if I manufactured a need for a job things might be different. Maybe I am not destined to get a break from work.

Sounds like either you know that she prefers that you were working, or you prefer to be working.

Sounds like you have handed over your power in the relationship to your wife, did that coincide with you discontinuing work?

I have heard from others that power in their relationship seems to drift towards the one working (making a living) under some antiquated belief that work = value.

In infamous words from the hilarious play "The Book of Mormon" It's time for you to "man up all over yourself." (please take this in the humorous vain it is intended)

 

[ERhoosier]

Not more arguments, but a lot more "please get the **** out of my way" incidents, directed at each other.

I'll bet many resemble that remark