More arguing after ER?

[Walt34]

We didn't notice either an increase or decrease in disagreements. It would be a stretch to call them arguments. What is nice is that we have more time to discuss issues without the time constraints imposed by working schedules and not being tired at the end of the day when that happened.

We did find that we need some time to ourselves. (Duh!) For a while in the initial post-retirement euphoria we did everything together but then started to feel like we were "joined at the hip" as DW put it. In hindsight that is not a surprising outcome. So we do often go off and "do our own thing" and neither gets tense about it.

All in all we're closer now than ever before. And that's a good thing.

 

[brewer12345]

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

 

[ronin]

Haven't experienced this in our lives. Sorry you are ___ (don't want to assume what your feelings are, but I sympathize with you).

My wife's parents argued constantly in their retirement years up until he died at 95. We called them the Bickerson's.

No advice to offer. I figure you know what is going on and will work it out one way or another. Can't help but have looked closely at your signature line. Don't know if that last sentence is significant. Hope it doesn't come to that.

 

[steelyman]

One benefit of a place like this is to vent (within reason).

 

[Alan]

I was lucky to be able to marry my best friend at university and after retirement we get on better than ever, but we have other friends from those days who prepared for retirement by arranging to limit the amount of time together by arranging different activities during activity including charitable activities and part time work.

I worked with one good friend who took up golf at age 58 and he explained to me that he planned to retire at 60 and he imagined that the last thing his stay-at-home wife would want is for him to be around the house all day disrupting her well established schedule, or worse, trying to make improvements. (He was head of our engineering department and was anal about written procedures and standardized work practices, and didn't tolerate fools very well). That was 16 years ago, and recently they moved to just up the road from us, and maintaining their separate interests seems to have worked really well for them.

Good luck Brewer, it sounds like you are trying hard to be accommodating.

 

[MRG]

Brewer12345,
We've had more issues since me retirement. All stupid crap. It does get better, or it has in our home.
Best wishes,
MRG

 

[InParadise]

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

You seem to be an intelligent person, so I will assume there is a basis for this opinion beyond blind prejudice. When two people are having conflict, sometimes it helps to have a referee, a mediator. IMO that is the best aspect about that industry.

You have young kids. Know that they are picking up on the vibes around them, even if they don't let on, or frankly understand what the tension is about. They are likely to think it is their fault, because that is what kids do. Are you ready to abandon any tool that might help your kids without trying it first? Do you have so many tools at your disposal to help with this crisis that you are willing to cross one off the list?

I am not trying to impose my opinion on you. You are welcome to consider it bullshit. The last thing I'll say on this thread is that no conflict gets resolved without all involved open to the possibility of compromise. I wish you and yours the best.

 

[RetireAge50]

If you let it go (whatever it is that is bothering you) then your wife will relax and be fun again.

Put another way, if you win the fight you lose.

 

[W2R]

One of the problems is her two master's in psychology and counseling. She is an empathy and a trained counselor.

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

Not much respect for her life's work, eh?

I can see the potential for some, er, "intense" conversations.

Aretha Franklin - Respect (1990) - YouTube

 

[Dreamer]

Hi Brewer,

I am sorry to see you hurting. I am glad that you have come here to talk with your friends.

My DH and I have occasional arguments, but not that frequently. I think that it helps tremendously that I work part-time 3 days per week. Also, I am usually on the computer in a separate room or reading. We only have a few TV programs that we watch together. He watches TV, reads or goes out to his garage. We exercise together and do some of the shopping together.

I was going to suggest counseling for yourself, but I see that you are against it. I was also going to suggest religion, such as praying or reading the bible, but if I remember correctly I don't think you are a religious person.

I think that I would get into an exercise program that would get your endorphins going. You might also try yoga or meditating. I have not tried either. Try to read some positive, uplifting books. Watch some good comedies that get you laughing.

Having young children, while a lovely thing, can also put stress on people and on marriages. I agree that your children will notice the stress in the household. It will not be easy for them, but not having a father in the household, would be very stressful for them also. I was confused by your saying that you spend as much time with your children as your wife would allow. It sounds like even though your wife has the degrees, that she also has some problems. Maybe suggest that you would like to take the children one on one to spend an afternoon, skating or some other kid friendly activity.

Our life used to be so much more stressful when we both worked full-time, had small children and so many after work activities. Things do get better. Hang in there, be good to yourself and I hope that things get better for you quickly. Just remember what a good person you are!

 

[audreyh1]

I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?

Is your wife stressed about your new situation?

Are you?

DH and I always got along well and we each tend to spend plenty of time doing out own thing been though mostly at home. I don't think arguing increased for us.

I suspect it has to do more with a big change in both your lives. Changes are almost always stressful - even good changes.

 

[sengsational]

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

We are on a similar schedule with ER and we agree on this too.

But despite having heard the phrase "under foot" a few times since January, I'm not seeing an uptick in clashes (thankfully). This is probably due to becoming empty nesters at the same time as retirement. I think that patience and self-control are limited resources and kids chew up a lot of it (so not as much to apply to the relationship). You have a harder task than I since you have kids around. For me, when irrationality starts, I can bail out, down to the man cave (which is literally something I dug out with my own two hands and all decisions in this space are mine, including who visits). I could even just pack a suitcase and go on a little excursion, but you, alas, have an impact on children if you do that.

Steven Covey's a pretty smart guy and he says to find ways to value the differences. That sometimes takes creativity which takes patience, which is too often gone. I'm not a councillor, nor do I play one on TV, so that's all the counselling I'll offer.

 

[brewer12345]

Not much respect for her life's work, eh?

I can see the potential for some, er, "intense" conversations.

We don't discuss it.

Some people get something out of counseling, and great for them. I do not.

 

[Lsbcal]

I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

But you are here and discussing the matter.

I went to a counselor who was about my age. He helped a bit as I talked through a problem set that had to do with a family member, not DW. It just helps to be able to share the issues. The counselor may not necessarily solve your problem.

Anyway, we don't charge here.

 

[brewer12345]

But you are here and discussing the matter.

I went to a counselor who was about my age. He helped a bit as I talked through a problem set that had to do with a family member, not DW. It just helps to be able to share the issues. The counselor may not necessarily solve your problem.

Anyway, we don't charge here.

Actually, I came here asking if others had experienced something similar. As usual, the replies were more, um, fulsome than just that.

 

[Sue J]

I had many years as a SAHM while DH worked. I managed everything daily and suddenly there was another person's opinion and presence to deal with. But we have been married a long time and have always been best buddies so I had to loosen up and let go of some things out of respect for him now being home all the time. It's his house too, and his retirement, and I want him to enjoy it.

We haven't had arguments but more of just adjusting to operating in the same space. It's little things that come up, like dishwasher loading/usage, daily bed making and clutter control. Little stupid stuff that gets annoying if you let it. And I'm the one who has to take a deep breath and put it in the proper perspective.

One of the reasons that I love my part time job as a school crossing guard is that it's an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon that is "my time". In the summer I'm an usher at a outdoor concert venue and even though I'm with 15,000 other people, I can count it as my alone time.

DH doesn't golf or hunt or fish or go to a gym. He rides his bike, has a garden in the summer or shovels snow in the winter. Sometimes the only time he goes anywhere is on thrift store adventures with our older son.

My sister's husband just retired last November. Before it was even official she had him all scheduled for what she had planned for his retired life. She told him what time to get up, what time to go to the gym, what time to be home for lunch, what days she committed him for planned activities. I just told her I don't tell DH what to do with his time.

Eh, if it works for her.....

Brewer, I'm sorry you are not loving your new life everyday. Yes, there is some adjusting, for both of you.

What are you arguing about? Or is it just that you are home most of the time and she needs some space?

 

[MichaelB]

Actually, I came here asking if others had experienced something similar. As usual, the replies were more, um, fulsome than just that.

That's the ER-Forum added value

If you are just looking for a short yes or no, in my case, yes, with all of my friends that ER'd, yes, with my folks, yes, and with family members that are not yet retired, it'll happen.

I think is is not so much a problem to resolve as it is a phase to get through, but what do I know. Good luck.

 

[Lsbcal]

Actually, I came here asking if others had experienced something similar. As usual, the replies were more, um, fulsome than just that.

OK, fair enough.

My wife was clearly struggling (only a bit) to cope after I suddenly retired after a company downsizing. I was nervous too about how I'd fill the days and how the finances would work out. But we coped quite well as we enjoy activities together.

She still cooked but I was more available for some minor house chores and my usual fix-it, gardening, bill paying, etc. I upped my exercise levels and added some new activities to fill the days.

I think it takes several months to a few years to get used to such a major change after decades of the working life. Financially, I was just getting used to things after 5 years. Then we had the delightful 2008 market meltdown. I'm happier now after 5 good years. Money does matter despite what some say.

So hang in there.

 

[H2ODude]

OK, as to what is our experience we've had no issues. But then again approaching 44 years together would not have expected.

Yeah, you've gotten some unasked for advice apparently. I'll add mine. I agree that in general I don't agree with counseling, but in fact did benefit from it on issues not related to relationships. One thing I absolutely believe is that I get ____ up if faced with issues all I do is listen to the voice(s) in my head. It's been MY experience that I cannot think my way out of some problems by myself. If you want no advice that's fine. But from your tone I'd say you should find someone you trust to discuss the issue and explore solutions or alternative approaches. Best of luck Brewer....

 

[ERhoosier]

I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?

Pretty common that friction increases with retirement, as it often may with any significant change in life circumstances. Most find that at an increase in 'personal time' (at least temporarily) may help matters settle in to a new & mutually acceptable routine. I found this article interesting-

How Retirement Can Hurt Your Marriage (And What You Can Do About It)

BTW- I know you said that "counseling" is BS, but sometimes the honest advice of a trusted relative or good friend can be useful too.

 

[jollystomper]

Perhaps part of the reason for the "unasked for advice" is only seeing one side of the issue, and not presuming that is the only side. I just wish the OP the best and that it all works out.

One of my brothers is retired and he and my SIL have been getting along better than ever. About 8 years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and that ordeal (as they told me) helped them realize that each was the most important thing to the other. She has been cancer free for 6 years, and that was one reason by brother retired at 60, so that they could spend more time together. His comment that struck we was "once we realized tomorrow is not a guarantee, so many of our differences seemed very petty".

While I'm not retired (yet), threads like this help me (and DW) from a planning perspective, and we hope it works out for the OP.

 

[tinlizzy]

I think having a husband around the house all day would feel like a co-worker or a boss hanging around in a person's office all day. It would be uncomfortable. I would probably feel like a hostess and feel a responsibility to talk to you. If you're being needy especially.

You're both going to have to figure out a way around this.

 

[Ready]

Now that I'm home all the time, my partner never comes home to an empty house. There are times when he asks me if I have anywhere to go today, meaning he would like some alone time.

And when he took an extended vacation last month, there were times when I was counting down the number of days until he goes back to work so I can have some alone time for myself.

I think there are very few couples who truly want to be around each other 24 hours a day. The more individual activities each person has, the more they have to share when they do have some time together to enjoy each other's company.

My partner's sister actually has a great relationship with her husband. They do everything together, and I have never once seen them get on each other's nerves. But I always believed they were the extreme exception to the norm.

 

[braumeister]

We've always given each other maximum space/time apart. That's just how we are. Even separate vacations at times. Much easier without kids, so I can see how that makes it different for you. Once we were both retired (new experience, since DW finally hung it up for good less than a year ago), we saw no difference in our interaction.

 

[bbbamI]

I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?

Eh, you're just lucky....

In our case, DH's job was stressful. Added to the stress was managing 47 employees that were scattered all over the country. He had to be on top of everything and had to constantly put out fires.

He had the j*b mindset when he retired and it lasted for a few months. His personality was not so much like a drill sergeant, but I think you get my drift...

It takes time to shake out the cobwebs and get used to the new 'normal'.