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Old 09-05-2012, 04:46 PM   #41
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I bet your parents think you have your sh** together, so thats why you get treated like an adult and don't get offered all the freebies. I have siblings who were always getting bailed out for whatever reason, but I didn't care because there were always some strings attached. It's better to not be beholden to anyone.

Just count your blessings and try to keep the family dynamic positive.
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Old 09-05-2012, 09:30 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rodi
Just live your life so you know you did the right things and you can sleep well at night. You can't control other people - just your own actions and your reactions to others. You can choose to let it bother you or choose to ignore it. If you let your happiness be dependent on some "fairness scoreboard", life is going to be pretty miserable.
Great post!
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:46 AM   #43
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OP - I think you've received some good advice to not let this situation eat at you and to let it go. I will say from my point of view and perhaps yours as well, truly caring parents might have understood your limitations on getting time off and thrown out, how we schedule this so all of us can be together and then if that didn't work, so beit. As for the paying for the meals, that does not seem like that big of a deal to me, although I would probably be the one picking up the tab if I was visiting my child.
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Old 09-06-2012, 10:35 AM   #44
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Is this really a FIRE and Money topic?
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Old 09-06-2012, 10:49 AM   #45
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This is a great topic for discussion and it would interesting to know what ATC Guy has to say given the feedback. Having dealt with sibling fairness issues all my life, first as a sibling and then as a parent, I find it much easier to give advice to him on the forum than to deal "successfully"with my own issues.
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Old 09-06-2012, 12:29 PM   #46
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Just live your life so you know you did the right things and you can sleep well at night. You can't control other people - just your own actions and your reactions to others. You can choose to let it bother you or choose to ignore it. If you let your happiness be dependent on some "fairness scoreboard" life is going to be pretty miserable.
This is too long to get tattooed on the inside of my arm where it should be for handy access, but those are indeed words of wisdom to live by. I don't always succeed, but goodness knows I try. Thanks for the timely reminder, Rodi.
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Old 09-06-2012, 12:31 PM   #47
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Little late to the thread, but I've witnessed similar unfairness in my family as well. When my dad was still alive, he gave a significant loan to my sister and BIL to buy a new(er) car. When my sister and BIL, and their kids moved closer to my parents, they moved in with them for a year and paid no rent, nor did they pick up the tab for any groceries, utilities, etc... In fact, they never even offered. After my BIL started making over $100k a year several years ago, he never bothered to pay back the original car loan, nor buy anything for my parents as a thank you for letting them live rent/utility/grocery free. During the entire time and for years since then, my parents took them out to dinner, on cruises, etc... My father died a few years ago, and my BIL and sister just bought a new house. Since they couldn't move in immediately, they moved in with my widowed mother for several months, again rent/utility/grocery free. When they moved into their new house, no thank you gift was forthcoming, even though my mother is retired and on a fixed income.

Every time I've gone to visit my mother, I've cleaned her house in various ways (carpets, floors, driveway, boxes out of the garage, etc...) DW complains that I put myself out every time we visit my mother, almost to the point that it's not a vacation anymore.

Could I be resentful of the foregoing? You bet. However, DW and I have done extremely well financially and are continuing to do so. We don't need money from anyone. The only thing that bothers me slightly is that my family members who are local to my mother could step up to the plate more when it comes to helping her take care of her house.
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Old 09-06-2012, 12:33 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by cardude View Post
OP

I bet your parents think you have your sh** together, so thats why you get treated like an adult and don't get offered all the freebies. I have siblings who were always getting bailed out for whatever reason, but I didn't care because there were always some strings attached. It's better to not be beholden to anyone.

Just count your blessings and try to keep the family dynamic positive.
Very well put. I just noticed this point and should have added that to my post. Nothing is free when it comes to family.
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Old 09-06-2012, 12:39 PM   #49
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OP

I bet your parents think you have your sh** together, so thats why you get treated like an adult and don't get offered all the freebies. I have siblings who were always getting bailed out for whatever reason, but I didn't care because there were always some strings attached. It's better to not be beholden to anyone.

Just count your blessings and try to keep the family dynamic positive.
Families are strange things. I never took money from my parents ,even when our relationship was strong, and I desperately needed it. WAY too many strings attached!
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Old 09-07-2012, 08:44 AM   #50
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A lot of good advice here... There are a lot of possible explanations. I really liked the following straight forward possibility:

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Originally Posted by Texas Proud View Post
... some people think that if they go to visit someone, that someone normally takes them around and shows them the sights... they are the 'hosts' as it were.... if you are the host, you pay...

Now, the trips that you mention, they are the 'hosts'.... and they paid...

So, in their thinking, there is nothing wrong...
In any case though, as others pointed out, you have to learn to let it go even if you can't find a reasonable explanation of how it's actually "fair" in the end, and appreciate what you have instead. I would suggest just concentrating on your relationship with your parents and not on how it compares with their relationship with others.
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Old 09-07-2012, 10:42 AM   #51
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I agree with others to "let it go", as it were, but as I get older my tolerance for BS gets lower and lower. No need to go out of your way to either suck up to or ignore bad behavior on the part of anyone, even your parents...
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:13 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Grinch View Post
Little late to the thread, but I've witnessed similar unfairness in my family as well. When my dad was still alive, he gave a significant loan to my sister and BIL to buy a new(er) car. When my sister and BIL, and their kids moved closer to my parents, they moved in with them for a year and paid no rent, nor did they pick up the tab for any groceries, utilities, etc... In fact, they never even offered. After my BIL started making over $100k a year several years ago, he never bothered to pay back the original car loan, nor buy anything for my parents as a thank you for letting them live rent/utility/grocery free. During the entire time and for years since then, my parents took them out to dinner, on cruises, etc... My father died a few years ago, and my BIL and sister just bought a new house. Since they couldn't move in immediately, they moved in with my widowed mother for several months, again rent/utility/grocery free. When they moved into their new house, no thank you gift was forthcoming, even though my mother is retired and on a fixed income.

Every time I've gone to visit my mother, I've cleaned her house in various ways (carpets, floors, driveway, boxes out of the garage, etc...) DW complains that I put myself out every time we visit my mother, almost to the point that it's not a vacation anymore.

Could I be resentful of the foregoing? You bet. However, DW and I have done extremely well financially and are continuing to do so. We don't need money from anyone. The only thing that bothers me slightly is that my family members who are local to my mother could step up to the plate more when it comes to helping her take care of her house.

Some parents enjoy being around their adult children / families. Given a choice between highly independent, geographically remote adult children, vs local, but somewhat needy children, many older parents would opt for the latter, especially when grandchildren are involved.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:55 PM   #53
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Funny story off topic. Ms G and I are veggies, so when we visit relatives we stop at the store and shop for us like if we wanna eat, we better buy it. So we visit Mom buy some Boca burgers on the way, and low and behold she has 2 boxes in the freezer. Turns out at 86 she finds them to be a great easy meal and loves the taste. Now every time she has a Boca burger, calls me to thank me.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:58 PM   #54
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Funny story off topic. Ms G and I are veggies, so when we visit relatives we stop at the store and shop for us like if we wanna eat, we better buy it. So we visit Mom buy some Boca burgers on the way, and low and behold she has 2 boxes in the freezer. Turns out at 86 she finds them to be a great easy meal and loves the taste. Now every time she has a Boca burger, calls me to thank me.
The black bean burgers from Costco are better, IMHO...
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