Unfair Parent Rant

[Aiming_4_55]

It's your personal take on the situation, so I won't try to second guess u or your dad.

Some food for thought....

- It was your choice to live away from home, as a choice of joining the military/profession (thank you for your service)
- You were invited and you declined for whatever reason
- Your dad may view things differently due to genders, I'm not sure, but I do with young kids
- Perhaps you can make it a priority to join him if he invites in the future, be proactive and suggest timing/places that works for you
- As others have noted, at least your dad is alive and tries to be involved in your life

 

[Shanky]

I would think your Dad is oblivious to your concerns. It would seem petty to me, but I am not in your situation. Your father is probably very proud of your self sufficiency. I have many siblings and would never expect our Parents would foot the bill for us as adults unless the situation was dire and we requested help, then I know they would help. If you are really struggling you should ask you father for help. If you are able to take care of your familiy, enjoy your parents company, and expect some expenses when you host. I would assume they would be gracious hosts when you visited them.

 

[Goonie]

What Nords said, and many others. Your parents' discretionary funds are just that, discretionary.

I know that my folks have helped my siblings out with financial gifts over the years, though I have no idea by what amount. Personally, I don't even care. It was money that my folks worked to earn, and it was therefore, their money to do with as they pleased. They never sought my input or approval, and I never even thought about giving it to them free gratis. There have been a few times, though very few, that they offered me their assistance. Sometimes I accepted it, sometimes I didn't. And for the most part, the times that I did accept it, I paid the amount back to them. Not because they needed it, or even expected it, but just because I wanted to show my appreciation for their offer.

I suppose that I feel the way I do simply because that is how I was raised. I've always just been thankful for what I have, and am not concerned that others may have more than I do, or better than I have.

Everyone's situation is different, but I believe that my life is way too short to worry about what other people do or don't do. So in the words of the song....."Don't Worry, Be Happy"!

 

[freebird5825]

Petty ? no

Unfair ? yes

Cut to the chase and voice your concerns to your father. Reasonably and the sooner the better.

 

[obgyn65]

I agree with this. I miss my dad every day.

- As others have noted, at least your dad is alive and tries to be involved in your life

 

[chris2008]

I understand that you, as probably any child in a family, would like to be treated "fair and even" with your siblings by your parents.
However, unfortunately neither life nor parents owe you that.
Your parents invited you to some of the trips. That was nice. You could not come, for good reasons. End of that story.

Your parents might have their own calculation in mind, like being closer to the resident kids. That is not fair and even by numbers, but very likely in families.

You mentioned that they made a big deal out of paying for some meals. Maybe that is the key to the issue: they want to be recognized and praised for what they chip in. Some people are like that. Maybe your siblings have used this key better than you?
Instead you showed your self sufficiency and independence by paying for meals during the rest of the visit. Now they might feel confirmed in their understanding that you do not need their support as much as your siblings.

And remember: Money and invites sometimes come with strings attached...

 

[BruceinGa]

Petty ? no

Unfair ? yes

Cut to the chase and voice your concerns to your father. Reasonably and the sooner the better.

I agree! You should address this or it will eat at you. I speak from experience.

 

[samclem]

Cut to the chase and voice your concerns to your father. Reasonably and the sooner the better.

I can't imagine how this subject could be discussed in such a way that it doesn't make matters worse. I don't mean in some hypothetical sense, I mean in the real world with real people who have real emotions.

 

[EvrClrx311]

Didn't read all of the comments, but I wonder if your parents may have gotten an unintended, subliminal message by turning down the trips in the past. Although you've explained everything to us about not being able to take the time off (makes sense)... they might have missed that part

Could it be that your parents assume that you are trying to be self sufficient and they have 'learned' that you are the child who would rather pay your own way... they may actually respect you for that and the situation is being read wrong from both sides. Opening up a dialog with them about the situation would bring this all to the surface.

Just another perspective to consider... I've seen similar in my family. My BIL is the type who refuses money from anyone for any reason - makes him feel in debt to them even if it is a gift. So during holidays when parents send a check (very normal on my side of the family) he often takes it the wrong way. My parents have learned that my sister and BIL are the ones to avoid giving cash gifts to - so they get the slightly nicer gifts for the Holiday instead.

 

[FinanceDude]

- As others have noted, at least your dad is alive and tries to be involved in your life

Which is FAR BETTER than my dad, who is alive and wants nothing to do with me or my wife or his grandkids. I think you are being petty..........

 

[Greg V]

Let it go. Fair and equal are not necessarily the same thing. People have different problems, needs, attitudes, etc. and we try to help them accordingly. Maybe your Dad feels you're on a stronger financial footing than the others and they need his help. It's likely your complaints would only come across as selfish and not help the situation.

 

[rescueme]

Which is FAR BETTER than my dad, who is alive and wants nothing to do with me or my wife or his grandkids. I think you are being petty..........

+1

 

[brewer12345]

OP, I bet you wish you never brought the subject up here. We have a way of pissing all over certain types of posts.

FWIW, I struggle sometimes with watching DW's parents dole out gobs of free childcare to her sister's family. DW and I have mostly gone solo with the kids and the vast majority of time (precious little) we get off from watching the kids ourselves has been paid for. That said, when all is said and done we are living our lives as we see fit and are not beholden to anyone, so it is what it is.

 

[Redbugdave]

OP, I bet you wish you never brought the subject up here. We have a way of pissing all over certain types of posts.

FWIW, I struggle sometimes with watching DW's parents dole out gobs of free childcare to her sister's family. DW and I have mostly gone solo with the kids and the vast majority of time (precious little) we get off from watching the kids ourselves has been paid for. That said, when all is said and done we are living our lives as we see fit and are not beholden to anyone, so it is what it is.

It's the same way in my family, too. Out of sight is out of mind.

All I can say is when the parents need help with their old age...the other siblings that have been on the take will be around to pick up the slack when the chips are down. Right?

 

[rodi]

Family dynamics is tough.

Brewers post about babysitting describes some resentment between 2 of my sibling-in-laws.

But the sibling that got the free babysitting is now in the caregiving position for my parent-in-laws, 6 months out of the year - and has put in a lot more time/effort in the past 10 years than she ever got in free childcare. Life has a way of balancing things out. But the sibling that is (still) complaining probably doesn't recognize that.

My parent-in-laws are not even or consistent in how they dole out money/gifts/praise. In fact they tend to dump more criticism on those now in the caregiving role. (They live part of the year near the SIL mentioned above, and part of the year with us.). I've learned to tune out the criticism from the parents, and the statements about fairness from the siblings who want more money, gifts, praise. It's not worth getting upset about it.

Just live your life so you know you did the right things and you can sleep well at night. You can't control other people - just your own actions and your reactions to others. You can choose to let it bother you or choose to ignore it. If you let your happiness be dependent on some "fairness scoreboard" life is going to be pretty miserable.

 

[cardude]

OP

I bet your parents think you have your sh** together, so thats why you get treated like an adult and don't get offered all the freebies. I have siblings who were always getting bailed out for whatever reason, but I didn't care because there were always some strings attached. It's better to not be beholden to anyone.

Just count your blessings and try to keep the family dynamic positive.

 

[Milton]

Just live your life so you know you did the right things and you can sleep well at night. You can't control other people - just your own actions and your reactions to others. You can choose to let it bother you or choose to ignore it. If you let your happiness be dependent on some "fairness scoreboard", life is going to be pretty miserable.

Great post!

 

[eytonxav]

OP - I think you've received some good advice to not let this situation eat at you and to let it go. I will say from my point of view and perhaps yours as well, truly caring parents might have understood your limitations on getting time off and thrown out, how we schedule this so all of us can be together and then if that didn't work, so beit. As for the paying for the meals, that does not seem like that big of a deal to me, although I would probably be the one picking up the tab if I was visiting my child.

 

[stephenson]

Is this really a FIRE and Money topic?

 

[MichaelB]

This is a great topic for discussion and it would interesting to know what ATC Guy has to say given the feedback. Having dealt with sibling fairness issues all my life, first as a sibling and then as a parent, I find it much easier to give advice to him on the forum than to deal "successfully"with my own issues.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Just live your life so you know you did the right things and you can sleep well at night. You can't control other people - just your own actions and your reactions to others. You can choose to let it bother you or choose to ignore it. If you let your happiness be dependent on some "fairness scoreboard" life is going to be pretty miserable.

This is too long to get tattooed on the inside of my arm where it should be for handy access, but those are indeed words of wisdom to live by. I don't always succeed, but goodness knows I try. Thanks for the timely reminder, Rodi.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Little late to the thread, but I've witnessed similar unfairness in my family as well. When my dad was still alive, he gave a significant loan to my sister and BIL to buy a new(er) car. When my sister and BIL, and their kids moved closer to my parents, they moved in with them for a year and paid no rent, nor did they pick up the tab for any groceries, utilities, etc... In fact, they never even offered. After my BIL started making over $100k a year several years ago, he never bothered to pay back the original car loan, nor buy anything for my parents as a thank you for letting them live rent/utility/grocery free. During the entire time and for years since then, my parents took them out to dinner, on cruises, etc... My father died a few years ago, and my BIL and sister just bought a new house. Since they couldn't move in immediately, they moved in with my widowed mother for several months, again rent/utility/grocery free. When they moved into their new house, no thank you gift was forthcoming, even though my mother is retired and on a fixed income.

Every time I've gone to visit my mother, I've cleaned her house in various ways (carpets, floors, driveway, boxes out of the garage, etc...) DW complains that I put myself out every time we visit my mother, almost to the point that it's not a vacation anymore.

Could I be resentful of the foregoing? You bet. However, DW and I have done extremely well financially and are continuing to do so. We don't need money from anyone. The only thing that bothers me slightly is that my family members who are local to my mother could step up to the plate more when it comes to helping her take care of her house.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

OP

I bet your parents think you have your sh** together, so thats why you get treated like an adult and don't get offered all the freebies. I have siblings who were always getting bailed out for whatever reason, but I didn't care because there were always some strings attached. It's better to not be beholden to anyone.

Just count your blessings and try to keep the family dynamic positive.

Very well put. I just noticed this point and should have added that to my post. Nothing is free when it comes to family.

 

[FinanceDude]

OP

I bet your parents think you have your sh** together, so thats why you get treated like an adult and don't get offered all the freebies. I have siblings who were always getting bailed out for whatever reason, but I didn't care because there were always some strings attached. It's better to not be beholden to anyone.

Just count your blessings and try to keep the family dynamic positive.

Families are strange things. I never took money from my parents ,even when our relationship was strong, and I desperately needed it. WAY too many strings attached!

 

[smjsl]

A lot of good advice here... There are a lot of possible explanations. I really liked the following straight forward possibility:

... some people think that if they go to visit someone, that someone normally takes them around and shows them the sights... they are the 'hosts' as it were.... if you are the host, you pay...

Now, the trips that you mention, they are the 'hosts'.... and they paid...

So, in their thinking, there is nothing wrong...

In any case though, as others pointed out, you have to learn to let it go even if you can't find a reasonable explanation of how it's actually "fair" in the end, and appreciate what you have instead. I would suggest just concentrating on your relationship with your parents and not on how it compares with their relationship with others.