Unusual and Sad Situation

[Teacher Terry]

Brat, she is a nurse so knows better then we do what’s available locally.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So they leave next Tuesday and come back Friday or Saturday depending on what they do while she is there. I really hope they can extend her life as we are the same age and I am not ready to go (64).

 

[Brat]

If she is alone in this situation she may not be able to reach out to other resources. I understand that chemo can muddle the brain.

You will be blessed if this is just a 7-day need.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Brat, between caring for all our parents and 2 good friends this is not our circus or monkeys. We are old ourselves and her kids or professionals will need to involved or not.

 

[gwraigty]

Brat, between caring for all our parents and 2 good friends this is not our circus or monkeys. We are old ourselves and her kids or professionals will need to involved or not.

In my experience, there's no such thing as just one cancer treatment. I'm concerned for you and your DH that the ex might now think that she's got the both of you to rely on for whatever comes next.

Allergies to animals are nothing to sneeze at either, pun intended. Seriously, my husband is allergic to animals and his lungs get tight and constricted if he's around them for too long, particularly cats.

 

[Teacher Terry]

She is going to a evaluation to see if they can help her. We are clear about that and she can hire help for treatment. She is not poor. She is better off than us.

 

[ivinsfan]

She is going to a evaluation to see if they can help her. We are clear about that and she can hire help for treatment. She is not poor. She is better off than us.

You are really doing this for your son, which is wonderful. The only advice I could offer is that you and your DH have a heart to heart. As his EX talks with medical people about possible treatment, he needs to be polite but vocal about the fact he won't be available for any additional treatments or support. They may just assume his role will be ongoing.

Cancer is non-discriminating and a horrible disease, but the rest of the EX's problem are just karma. You don't get to be that age with only one friend or family member on your support team by accident.

 

[gwraigty]

You are really doing this for your son, which is wonderful. The only advice I could offer is that you and your DH have a heart to heart. As his EX talks with medical people about possible treatment, he needs to be polite but vocal about the fact he won't be available for any additional treatments or support. They may just assume his role will be ongoing.

Cancer is non-discriminating and a horrible disease, but the rest of the EX's problem are just karma. You don't get to be that age with only one friend or family member on your support team by accident.

+1

 

[Teacher Terry]

Ivin, interesting you mentioned that today because we talked about it yesterday exactly what you mentioned. The other thing is that he won’t even be available because he has been trying to return to work for a few years and has landed a part time engineering job that is starting this spring with a construction company and he is going to be doing p.t. IT work on a as needed basis. We aren’t turning these down as my very lucrative part time teaching job is ending in a month and it was a third of our income. We don’t need to work to live but it gives us more travel and fun money. I find it strange you only have 1 friend at this age. She has made other friendships but they don’t last.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So tonight she lets us know that her pet sitter had a cancellation and can do the animals. But she would still like us to come over and get acquainted for if she goes for treatment. Then we talk and decided that if she approves we will start walking her 1 year old collie 4xs a week. We will socialize it and hopefully by the time she passes it should be able to get a home. We miss our big guy and will enjoy it but with my asthma won’t be able to own a shedding dog.

 

[ivinsfan]

So tonight she lets us know that her pet sitter had a cancellation and can do the animals. But she would still like us to come over and get acquainted for if she goes for treatment. Then we talk and decided that if she approves we will start walking her 1 year old collie 4xs a week. We will socialize it and hopefully by the time she passes it should be able to get a home. We miss our big guy and will enjoy it but with my asthma won’t be able to own a shedding dog.

That's a red flag,if she goes for treatment she needs to arrange care for her animals I wouldn't even agree to be the backup. ..watch out here...

 

[Teacher Terry]

Ivan, we will probably be primary but we only live a mile away and between the two of us don’t mind doing it. We don’t plan to take any trips for a year so it would be fine.

 

[ivinsfan]

Ivan, we will probably be primary but we only live a mile away and between the two of us don’t mind doing it. We don’t plan to take any trips for a year so it would be fine.

That's nice of you, in my birth family I'm always the one that has to "be the bigger person" or turn the other cheek. I know it's the right thing to do, but it gets old..

 

[Teacher Terry]

With the 2 of us taking care of the animals will be quick and they are going to need some people time to be petted and loved so they didn’t get to lonely. I wasn’t keen on doing it alone because I am super allergic to cats and have to make sure that the cat doesn’t touch me. With my husband handling that it will be fine. I was always that person to for my parents as siblings weren’t huge help unless had to. My parents are gone now and contact is very limited with subs.

 

[Teacher Terry]

So went over to ex’s yesterday to see how to take care of the animals and found out she is estranged from her older son because he has been stealing from her and last year stole 37k. It’s a long story how that was able to happen. She is broke except for her house. However she was a high earner for the feds and has big pension and SS. He hired a private investigator and was looking into having her declared incompetent. She changed the locks and is changing her will. The youngest has asked us to see her once a month in case we have to testify on her behalf. I will be happy never to see that evil kid again. There is nothing wrong with her mind and her psychiatrist has said she should have nothing to do with this son because he is dangerous. I did tell her that if she goes for treatment both of us would care for her animals. I thought that was a nice way of saying my husband won’t be going.

 

[gwraigty]

She is going to a evaluation to see if they can help her. We are clear about that and she can hire help for treatment. She is not poor. She is better off than us.

So went over to ex’s yesterday to see how to take care of the animals and found out she is estranged from her older son because he has been stealing from her and last year stole 37k. It’s a long story how that was able to happen. She is broke except for her house. However she was a high earner for the feds and has big pension and SS. He hired a private investigator and was looking into having her declared incompetent. She changed the locks and is changing her will. The youngest has asked us to see her once a month in case we have to testify on her behalf. I will be happy never to see that evil kid again. There is nothing wrong with her mind and her psychiatrist has said she should have nothing to do with this son because he is dangerous. I did tell her that if she goes for treatment both of us would care for her animals. I thought that was a nice way of saying my husband won’t be going.

I'm sorry for being so cynical, but this just keeps getting better and better.

It appears as though contrary to what you first thought, she IS poor. She had savings of $37K and now it's gone. Has she not been able to slowly recover from the theft? Why is the son not in jail where he belongs? Is she spending all of her pension and SS, living from check to check? How is she going to pay for treatments when she's broke, much less hire help?

You gave her a strong hint that she has to find someone else to go with her for future treatments. Does she take hints? Some people don't. You have to spell it out and even then...

IMO, she's reeling you into her drama, little by little. She's springing more on you after you've already agreed to help her with something you've convinced yourself is going to be an extremely limited, one-time instance of help. In her mind, maybe not so much.

 

[mystang52]

I don't remember where I read it, but a long time ago I saw something about "toxic people." This lady seems to fit that description. OP, your intentions are highly commendable, and I think your last reply was spot on: take care of the pets but otherwise stay out of it. Get more involved, and you might find yourself sucked into her other non-medical problems.

 

[audreyh1]

I guess this oldest son is also your husband's son?

Wow - tough situation! Best of luck to you!

 

[Teacher Terry]

She had a lot more money than 37 but he was slowly taking it. She won’t press charges. I don’t know what she spends but she should have money left over each month. She doesn’t do much not feeling well. My husband said by the looks on her face she got the message. I will leave it up to my husband to see her occasionally in case he needs to testify.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Audrey, yes he is.

 

[Brat]

Assuming she has health insurance through her Federal employment health care costs should not be a major issue. She needs a good attorney who can protect her from the son.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My husband said that after the divorce she trained him to hate his dad and now obviously he hates her too. I think she has a attorney.

 

[brett]

Sounds like the basis of a soap opera to me or a country and western song.

 

[Bamaman]

So they leave next Tuesday and come back Friday or Saturday depending on what they do while she is there. I really hope they can extend her life as we are the same age and I am not ready to go (64).

My hat's off to you for taking this step. I just hope that she has taken care of business in executing a Will, Limited Power of Attorney for finances and a Healthcare Directive.

 

[robnplunder]

I'm sorry for being so cynical, but this just keeps getting better and better.

It appears as though contrary to what you first thought, she IS poor. She had savings of $37K and now it's gone. Has she not been able to slowly recover from the theft? Why is the son not in jail where he belongs? Is she spending all of her pension and SS, living from check to check? How is she going to pay for treatments when she's broke, much less hire help?

You gave her a strong hint that she has to find someone else to go with her for future treatments. Does she take hints? Some people don't. You have to spell it out and even then...

IMO, she's reeling you into her drama, little by little. She's springing more on you after you've already agreed to help her with something you've convinced yourself is going to be an extremely limited, one-time instance of help. In her mind, maybe not so much.

+1. Dying ex-spouse of DH, her dangerous son, and asking of the two favors which shoudn't have been asked in the 1st place. These are basis for a bad soap opera. Hopefully, there is a happy ending for the drama and soon.