What Would You Do? (Issue with family get togethers)

[Keim]

My reaction would be to send regrets, explaining my reason (not in the budget, previous commitment, etc) and to wish them a great time.

FWIW that HAS been my reaction for the most part. Haven't gotten on brothers case at all.

 

[Bestwifeever]

And they don't call it sibling rivalry for nothing.

 

[Sue J]

I have since noticed a pattern as we try to make plans-everything must now be at his convenience. He went so far as to have the parents move there 50th anniversary celebration from their desired MT location to a place near him in OR.

Keim, I find the part about moving the anniversary party just odd. It's a once in a lifetime event and it's for your parents, not for him.

I can understand packing up a family and traveling being expensive and difficult, although they managed to do their Europe trip. This just gives off the feeling that your family get-togethers are way down on the list of priorities and if they are not convenient enough they just won't bother.

DH is the oldest of 5 siblings and he's the only one who is retired. His brother in NJ rarely sees their elderly mom in Colorado. He has a wife and 2 daughters. They live in a very expensive area because his wife's family lives nearby and they're very tight with her family. They do a yearly week long trip with his wife's family and it sounds like that's all the vacation time they have. Grandma saw the family in 2009 when she paid for all of us to go on vacation together and she saw them again this summer because she visited us in Ohio and he drove the family here for a long weekend. Six years not seeing your granddaughters is a long time when you are in your 80's.

We love them dearly, but they have made it clear that the wife's family is central to their daily existence and that our side of the family is not even secondary, but way down on the list.

It's an odd situation but all of us love them and accept that this is the way it's going to be. We all get along very well, whether it's on the phone or email or on Facebook, which is the only way that the cousins know each other. Yes, the distance and travel expenses are an issue, we all understand that.

In our family no one gets mad about it or brings it up as an issue. It's just the way it is in some families.

 

[Midpack]

This all boils down to one brother wanting to know how to force another brother to 'see things his way' - both have made up their minds. The OP seems to make no attempt to see the brothers POV, and the OP is only looking for ways to convince the brother he is "wrong" - no middle ground. Good luck...

 

[Meadbh]

Unfortunately, you can't really send regrets to your parents 50th wedding celebration, it's this kind of manipulation that sent the OP here asking for some counsel. I'd say again either have an upfront discussion about what's bugging you or attend only the occasions that are pretty much mandatory.

My parents didn't make it to their 50th, but when their 40th was imminent, I made plans to travel 4000 miles to Europe to host a party for them on New Year's Eve. Then they mentioned that it would be nice to visit me, since I had just bought a house. Eureka! I realized that they would get far more enjoyment out of that than one family get together. So I bought them tickets to come visit me for two weeks in Canada, in August. We had a wonderful time with many special moments, and they went home knowing that "the kids are alright". For their 40th, they went out for a romantic dinner, I sent flowers, and they had many congratulatory phone calls, cards, etc. Everyone was happy with thinking outside the box. That's just how we roll in this family.

 

[Keim]

This all boils down to one brother wanting to know how to force another brother to 'see things his way' - both have made up their minds. The OP seems to make no attempt to see the brothers POV, and the OP is only looking for ways to convince the brother he is "wrong" - no middle ground. Good luck...

No. Remember-only addressed the issue once with brother. Trying to change his mind would be a waste of both our times.

I'm simply after info on the exact question I asked: What would you do?

 

[ivinsfan]

My parents didn't make it to their 50th, but when their 40th was imminent, I made plans to travel 4000 miles to Europe to host a party for them on New Year's Eve. Then they mentioned that it would be nice to visit me, since I had just bought a house. Eureka! I realized that they would get far more enjoyment out of that than one family get together. So I bought them tickets to come visit me for two weeks in Canada, in August. We had a wonderful time with many special moments, and they went home knowing that "the kids are alright". For their 40th, they went out for a romantic dinner, I sent flowers, and they had many congratulatory phone calls, cards, etc. Everyone was happy with thinking outside the box. That's just how we roll in this family.

It sounds like you have a cool family...nice open communication is the key to making things like this work.Lack of communication and hidden agendas mean a lot of families can't make this work,I do agree it's the ideal scenario.

 

[Meadbh]

It sounds like you have a cool family...nice open communication is the key to making things like this work.Lack of communication and hidden agendas mean a lot of families can't make this work,I do agree it's the ideal scenario.

Thank you! For us it's not about the roll call, but about sharing family love in whatever way works.

 

[Midpack]

No. Remember-only addressed the issue once with brother. Trying to change his mind would be a waste of both our times.

I'm simply after info on the exact question I asked: What would you do?

Nothing. You value family get togethers (way) more than he does for reasons unknown. You shared your POV with him once. It is what it is...

 

[Bestwifeever]

My parents didn't make it to their 50th, but when their 40th was imminent, I made plans to travel 4000 miles to Europe to host a party for them on New Year's Eve. Then they mentioned that it would be nice to visit me, since I had just bought a house. Eureka! I realized that they would get far more enjoyment out of that than one family get together. So I bought them tickets to come visit me for two weeks in Canada, in August. We had a wonderful time with many special moments, and they went home knowing that "the kids are alright". For their 40th, they went out for a romantic dinner, I sent flowers, and they had many congratulatory phone calls, cards, etc. Everyone was happy with thinking outside the box. That's just how we roll in this family.

Sounds like a lovely anniversary for your parents. I am guessing you didn't have to run any of the planning past siblings?

 

[Keim]

It sounds like you have a cool family...nice open communication is the key to making things like this work.Lack of communication and hidden agendas mean a lot of families can't make this work,I do agree it's the ideal scenario.

Open communication does make things easier...

 

[Keim]

Nothing. You value family get togethers (way) more than he does for reasons unknown. You shared your POV with him once. It is what it is...

I wouldn't say I value it more or less than him. I would say I'd be more open in communicating with involved family members in how I go about changing things.

 

[Meadbh]

Sounds like a lovely anniversary for your parents. I am guessing you didn't have to run any of the planning past siblings?

No, I was an only child.

 

[Keim]

No, I was an only child.

That would make scheduling a LOT easier.

 

[Meadbh]

That would make scheduling a LOT easier.

Yes! Also several other advantages.

 

[target2019]

No. Remember-only addressed the issue once with brother. Trying to change his mind would be a waste of both our times.



I'm simply after info on the exact question I asked: What would you do?

I would go the fiftieth anniversary and be a gentleman. The next day when I left I would let brother know that I will be happy to meet up and celebrate 55th with all.

I would excuse myself from every other invitation, and go on with life, which is too short already.

I think this means much more to you. Holding on to it will make it hurt more. So you have to let go of it.

 

[Keim]

I would go the fiftieth anniversary and be a gentleman. The next day when I left I would let brother know that I will be happy to meet up and celebrate 55th with all.

I would excuse myself from every other invitation, and go on with life, which is too short already.

I think this means much more to you. Holding on to it will make it hurt more. So you have to let go of it.

I'm actually more past it than not. Labor Day was one of the annual weekends-so that dredged it up.

Made me wonder how others would react-especially since I was guilted at first fairly heavily by the parents about needing to be flexible. Until I pointed out just how flexible I've usually been.

Appears how I'm handling is well within the norm. I am planning to continue to be courteous. If something that is mutually convenient comes up I'll entertain the idea of a get together. I'll also continue my annual get together with the parents. He can attend or not. No more rearranging commitments to make things happen. Given my calendar as I start a drug and mental health recovery community center and his increased need for convenience get togethers are unlikely for the foreseeable future!