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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-09-2007, 11:26 PM   #21
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam
I don't see any reason at all for you to mislead. But my reply and other people's replies were based on the original picture. And that was a totally different picture.
sorry but i don't see your point. my whole point from the first post is that this guy hasn't contacted me in 30 freaking years, not once. that was the whole point. so you are saying that if someone treated you well for 10 years and then treats you like crap for 30 years it is ok but if someone treats you like crap for 40 years that is not ok? that's quite a hair to split.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-09-2007, 11:39 PM   #22
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Ok, I went back and read your original post the 3rd time.

You did not say that your mother divorced him, so I assumed he abandoned you and your family.

You did not say that he provided child support until you finished college, so I assumed he's a totally irresponsible person.

You did say that he never contacted you, but you never said that your mom remarried and that your stepdad is very involved in your life.

The titled of post say "ignored you for 30 yrs".

Quote:
Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum
. so you are saying that if someone treated you well for 10 years and then treats you like crap for 30 years it is ok but if someone treats you like crap for 40 years that is not ok? that's quite a hair to split.
I'm not saying that at all. I take everything I said in my first reply to this post back.



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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-09-2007, 11:55 PM   #23
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by samclem
I know I'm in the minority on this issue, but I just don't think the whole "ancestry" thing is at all important. "Parents" are the people who worried over you as you grow up, who helped you grow into the perrson you became. To me, when a child is adopted as an infant, it is clear that his only real parents are the ones loved and cared for him/her as they grew up. The "biological parents" are just not significant in any emotional sense.
i actually thought i was in the minority, unless you are putting in for some sort of anti-ancestry pride parade. my brother thinks like you, as does one of my very good friends who won't even talk to his brother. i can't even say that i have a rationale for how i feel about family. it is just that, a feeling.

i think you are absolutely right about adopted children. and during their lifetime i would treat adopted children as much as family as i would blood and they would not know the difference. i know that how i feel is probably stupid and likely even prejudiced, but i would not feel the same about the children of adopted family as i would feel about the children of family blood. perhaps that is something i need to work on.

Quote:
And, in a point somewhat related to another comment inthis thread, I don't understand "gay pride," if in fact being homosexual is not a choice. "Brown-eyed pride" would make as much sense.
this is neither the pride of personal accomplishment nor of the uppity, but rather the pride of basic human right, the pride in celebration of acknowledging that we are just as human as you. any minority which has felt the harsh whip of str8 up white so-called supremacy has a valid flag to fly.

"on the field of battle, the spoken word does not carry far enough; hence the institution of gongs and drums. nor can ordinary objects be seen clearly enough; hence the nstitution of banners and flags." ~~ sun tzu, circa 500 b.c.e.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 12:05 AM   #24
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam
Ok, I went back and read your original post the 3rd time.

You did not say that your mother divorced him, so I assumed he abandoned you and your family.
it also takes two to not tango. they divorced each other. and he did abandon me. just because you are sending someone money doesn't mean you haven't abandoned the person. could be you are just avoiding jail. and before you start assuming again, no, i am not characterizing him as avoiding jail, just making a point. and just because you don't send someone money doesn't mean you have abandoned them, it could just mean you don't have money to send.

Quote:
You did not say that he provided child support until you finished college, so I assumed he's a totally irresponsible person.
dude, i put in the details as they came to mind. i only said he abandoned me in my adult life. i never said he abandoned me as a child. i'm sorry but i have enough problems; i can't be held responsible for all your assuming.

Quote:
You did say that he never contacted you, but you never said that your mom remarried and that your stepdad is very involved in your life.
news flash: my stepfather being involved in my life is not a get out of jail free card for my dad.

edit: trying to get all the details right here. my dad married at least 3 times that i know of. so what's that? an entire monopoly set of excuses to ignore me?

Quote:
The titled of post say "ignored you for 30 yrs".
precisely. he has ignored me for 30 years and so i am wondering now as to what would be my responsibilities if any were required. man, you gotta lotta split ends.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 12:27 AM   #25
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum

this is neither the pride of personal accomplishment nor of the uppity, but rather the pride of basic human right, the pride in celebration of acknowledging that we are just as human as you. any minority which has felt the harsh whip of str8 up white so-called supremacy has a valid flag to fly.

"on the field of battle, the spoken word does not carry far enough; hence the institution of gongs and drums. nor can ordinary objects be seen clearly enough; hence the nstitution of banners and flags." ~~ sun tzu, circa 500 b.c.e.
i agree that you have a valid flag to fly in celebration of gay rights or in opposition to discrimination. but i do disagree with the term pride. white pride, gay pride, black pride... i have no right to be proud about something i didn't have a choice about. but i think this argument is more a question of semantics.

in regards to your father, i can only wish you luck and just follow your heart and some common sense as to what you can afford to do. you have no moral obligation but it is really up to you. you had said previously that i had an angry outlook to your father, well i thought he had straight up abandoned you as a child. i do think it is different to abandon you as a child v. as an adult. but it still hurts. i am sorry about your mother. i have lost both of my parents and i know the pain. try focusing on the positive, your new relationships with your cousins. i do think it would be good for you to speak to your dad again as you have unresoved issues. if he dies you will have unanswered questions like why he hasn't spoken to you for 30 years. he could have felt like a bad father and was ashamed of himself, who knows.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 12:43 AM   #26
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

If I were you, I would not seek him out.

If you do seek him out and find him, only then will you know what the next step could be. You cannot possibly hypothesize it now, even with the help of the participants of this esteemed board!

He may be rich, he may be poor. You may hate what you find or you may love what you find. Or anything inbetween and in all possible combinations.

You cannot anticipate what you will find or how you might or should react.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 01:32 AM   #27
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

well, my son's mom hasn't been around for him since he was a baby and she pops up once in a while to say "hi" via his grandmother -

my teen son always refuses to see her.

I told him - you know, you don't have to be nice if you see her - you could tell her you are upset that she wasn't around for you etc. He said he never thought of it that way.

so if it provides you some relief to let him know how you feel - then go for it - you could try a letter, but you never know if he read it or what reaction he had.

at the same time - i think there are some people who are just trapped by ineptitude - whatever feelings or reasons he has will not make you feel better about the fact that he wasn't there and you can't turn back the clock...

you have to uncover what your intention would be and feel comfortable that you will set your own boundaries if he does seek financial support from you etc...
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 04:46 AM   #28
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newyorklady
i agree that you have a valid flag to fly in celebration of gay rights or in opposition to discrimination. but i do disagree with the term pride. white pride, gay pride, black pride... i have no right to be proud about something i didn't have a choice about. but i think this argument is more a question of semantics.
Logically this may be true, but psychologically it misses the mark. If one has been made to feel ashamed of oneself for something one didn't have a choice about, the most natural reaction to break out of the shame is to swing to the opposite of shame, which is pride -- whether one has a "right" to it or not. A Zen-like detachment from the whole issue may be in some sense a more logical approach, but that is not how most real people work.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 05:05 AM   #29
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Lazy,

It seems to me you are mixing up two lines of thought....

One is if I meet dad who has not initiated contact to me in 30 years, what should I do... and this is all over the board... but, that is not what you asked... my answer, see what happens... I would think he would not care at all and the relationship would die anyhow...

BUT, you asked "would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?"... and the answer still remains NO... not one dime... not at all... even with your other posts clairifying what people assumed, NO... he made his bed, let him sleep in it... and he is not asking you for anything anyhow!!!

To summarize....
No support.... let's see on the relationship...
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 06:36 AM   #30
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Many forces at play.

One is the influence of family. Thats a very personal thing. Some people will do anything for a family member, even one that hasnt always been there for them.

A big one is acting like the person that you are. Some people do an awful lot of things for others they dont know or who may have been a problem for them in the past. Ignoring a child and/or not actively interacting is a painful thing.

But it shouldnt change who you are or how you behave.

Be who you are.

Your dad might simply have been confused and had a hard time figuring out how to handle a son, and as time and space grew, felt the gap was too far to mend.

You have to decide if you're strong enough to do in a short time what he felt powerless to do in a lifetime.

And if you give a hoot.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 08:54 AM   #31
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Lazy,
You are really are a good hearted soul. You'll know what to do when you find him.Good Luck !
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 10:16 AM   #32
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

from the tough cookies, to the tough love, from my occassional (being kind to myself here) obscurity to the practicality of some of you, given the clarity of thought i so often find here, i have to say you guys are amazing. and as much as almost all my friends at one time or another tell me that i "think too much," whenever i pose a question here, you always give me more to consider.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newyorklady
i do think it is different to abandon you as a child v. as an adult. but it still hurts.
see, now this assumes that i ever grew up. but besides that, i sometimes think i must be the only person left on the planet who holds adults in the same high regard as children. certainly there would be a difference if the father was not a good guy to a child, but i stated from the very first post that he was not a bad guy. i would not have said that if he had physically abandoned a child.

Quote:
do think it would be good for you to speak to your dad again as you have unresoved issues. if he dies you will have unanswered questions like why he hasn't spoken to you for 30 years.
this is one of the arguments i use with myself to make contact. i want to ask him "why did you never call me?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by youbet
If you do seek him out and find him, only then will you know what the next step could be. You cannot possibly hypothesize it now, even with the help of the participants of this esteemed board!

He may be rich, he may be poor. You may hate what you find or you may love what you find. Or anything inbetween and in all possible combinations.

You cannot anticipate what you will find or how you might or should react.
i think i would be ok with however i found him. i have never judged anyone as a person based on what they were able to accomplish here or not. i don't think everyone can play by these rules. in part that is why i tend towards socialism or at least why i champion safety nets for those who otherwise would fall through.

i understand your point that i will react how i react if the situation occurs. i thought it was interesting to flush out the issues of such a situation. to consider the ramifications of possible action, to try and foresee how i would look back from potential futures.

my brother brought up a good point in that how could i even consider finding my father if i would not be willing to support him if needed be. if i seek out this man out of love then wouldn't i support him unconditionally. for if i am not seeking out of love then is the search in vain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bright eyed
I told him - you know, you don't have to be nice if you see her - you could tell her you are upset that she wasn't around for you etc. He said he never thought of it that way.
having so often & for so long deluded myself into thinking i shoot for some higher purpose as if needing that to give my life meaning, i also would not at first think of simply satisfying my own curiosity. i'd have a hard time believing that. but i can see it helps to try.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpp
If one has been made to feel ashamed of oneself for something one didn't have a choice about, the most natural reaction to break out of the shame is to swing to the opposite of shame, which is pride -- whether one has a "right" to it or not.
thpot on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas Proud
BUT, you asked "would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?"... and the answer still remains NO... not one dime... not at all... even with your other posts clairifying what people assumed, NO... he made his bed, let him sleep in it... and he is not asking you for anything anyhow!!!
and there's that voice of practicality. you might be right. i don't know. but even if so, i don't think i can function like that. i know we make our beds. a part of me says let them lie there. but another part of me says: i can afford 800 thread count. i can be very comfortable on 600 thread count. if i had to i could buy my dad some sheets.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
You have to decide if you're strong enough to do in a short time what he felt powerless to do in a lifetime.
that could not have been more beautifully worded.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moemg
Lazy,
You are really are a good hearted soul. You'll know what to do when you find him.Good Luck !
thank you
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 11:14 PM   #33
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

You had two good parents, and a biological father who absented himself from your life after he and your mother divorced. Were I you, should you find him, ask him what he has been doing for the last 30 years. Spend time and listen. He may have believed that you didn't need him, or maybe your mother and step-father told him to stay away. Stranger things have happened.

He may never need any financial or emotional support from you so don't worry about it. If at some time he becomes needy you could consider the situation and decide then.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-10-2007, 11:52 PM   #34
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum
bssc, what did you do about your bil? did you take over responsibility?
By the time we got to Vegas, he was pretty much gone. The hospital wanted to transfer him to hospice and hospice felt that he would not survive the trip. My wife and two SILs made the decision to remove him from the respirator. The two BIL didn't show up but phoned in their consent. He was so far gone that he lasted twenty minutes. I think that it would have been nice for everyone to have said their good byes, like they had with their mom but he didn't want anyone to know how poorly he was doing.

Anyway, good luck with your situation. I hope that things work out for the best.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-11-2007, 03:36 AM   #35
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Lazy...

Let me throw another thought into the mix... since you see my words as the practical ones...

Why do you think he would need you assistance Maybe HE has a couple of mill stashed away... he could have won the lottery or something else... unless you have heard through the family that he needs help, why assume
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-11-2007, 10:25 AM   #36
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum
that could not have been more beautifully worded.
Maybe theres a little cute and fuzzy in there after all

Given that i'm also working to bridge a parental gap, I can tell you that its a process that takes time and patience on behalf of both parties. My advice: engage, go slow, let things take their course, you're a smart guy...you'll figure it out.

The financial piece is a byproduct.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-11-2007, 03:17 PM   #37
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brat
You had two good parents...He may have believed that you didn't need him, or maybe your mother and stepfather told him to stay away. Stranger things have happened.
ya brat, really good parents. no way would they have told dad to stay away. mom kept her family of about 65 cousins together. i even have her minutes of the meeting of their first cousins club from when she was a young adult. also mom was responsible for reuniting my stepfather with the very large family he had long ago walked away from. and the ol'man only wanted what was best for me and would never have interfered with my dad's relationship with me.

how can a father not think his son needs him? though my dad never had much to do with his father either (as i mentioned i only met my grandfather a few times). fortunately my brother broke this horrible cycle and is a wonderful & loving participant in the lives of his children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas Proud
unless you have heard through the family that he needs help, why assume
though i'm an optimist in the long run, i rarely skip the step of considering worst case scenarios. makes me the perfect candidate for firecalc.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-11-2007, 04:15 PM   #38
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Enjoy your conversation/interaction with him if it happens. People do some of the strangest things during their lifetimes - and often do not have the cajones to attempt to apologize when the error is truly realized. Candid discussions might help make a little sense out of things...

I wish you the best of luck,

Jen, an adoptee who "found" her biological people as an adult - was very important to me - and all turned out well....
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-11-2007, 05:18 PM   #39
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

So came to this late thread, but I'll tell you my experience. My older brother, 9 years difference in age, was my hero as a kid. When my parents divorced, he was 10 and I was 1, so I don't remember it but he did quite vividly. He was very angry about it. When he was 16 and I was 7 he moved out of the house, bounced around for a while and pretty much vanished.

20 years later he sends my mom, my dad, and me letters saying he wants to be a part of our life again. The emotions I felt were all over the place, needless to say there were a few tears, too. So I agreed to meet him with my Dad. He's dabbling in eastern philosophy and owns his own business. But he's still angry, and the cynical part of me thinks he may just be showing up now to wheedle his way into an inheritance. I just want to tell him, "get over it, you are 41!" when he goes off on his rants.

After a few contacts, I just conlcuded we are strangers. I will respond to his emails, and keep the peace for my parents' sake, because they very much feel their prodigal son has returned. Everyone is hoping I'll get us through this rocky ride since I'm always the peacemaker etc. but I just don't want to play.

I think you have multiple levels of emotions for your father like I do for my brother. Part angry, part abandonment wanting redemption. I guess I've come to a similar conclusion to others on this thread. Family is those who earned it. Both my step-parents worked very earnestly to be good parents, and I thank them every chance I get. Blood doesn't mean a whole lot to me by itself.

Just be careful. If you are ready to make contact whatever the response, and you want to, do it. But don't be more inclined to bail him out financially than you would any other relative. Keep shields up! Man, I'll stop typing now, I'm getting angry just thinking about this guy.
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?
Old 03-12-2007, 09:47 AM   #40
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Re: would u support dad after he ignored you for 30 yrs?

Lazy,

Please take this comment with an open mind as I am not trying to be hurtful.

When I do the math and stir it into your comments here's what I get:

Your bio-dad supported you financially through college and that approximates age twenty for you. He was financially present, though not physically or emotionaly up to then.

You are fifty now and, since college, there has been a thirty year gap in his contact with you. The converse of this is that here has been a thirty year gap in your contact with him too. You became an adult about then and have been since then. Contact, or the lack of it, between adults, is a two way street. He doesn't call. You don't call. Now it's thirty years later.

Both of you got on with your lives and "where has the time gone?"

I'll add something personal. My first wife and I divorced when our sons were quite young. She moved 150 miles away and remarried. We still have a cordial relationship, however. That was about 18 years ago. I paid my share of support all the way along and helped where ever I could.

Now the boys are adults and very good people and a huge source of pride to me. Yet, though there is hardly a day goes by that I don't think of them, I still don't call all that much. I'll look at the phone and stop. The year's ago divorce and new stepdad put me on the outside, psycologically. Sounds strange, but I just hesitate to be an interruption.

They don't call all that much either.

"... the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon...."

My point is that, as a dad, I can see how easily one comes to feel like he's looking at the "new family" from the outside and is not just unnecessary but irrelevent.

You maybe own a piece of that thirty years too.

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