when LBYM gets awkward

[Bestwifeever]

+1.

If someone offers to pay for me, I let them. I say okay, thank you. It shouldn't be more difficult than that.

I'd pay for you any time

 

[Danmar]

Why is it so difficult to simply say "thank you"?

I agree as long as you are not "slow to acknowledge the bill" and it doesn't become a habit. I always pay for family as they can't afford it. With friends it is important to share but every chance I get(within reason) I pay. In my view it is better to error on the generous side. When approprite I say thank you.

 

[freebird5825]

Hospitality like that definitely deserves a thank you note/letter.
I would personally kick it up with a nice box of chocolates or a local (to your area) treat. Buy it and mail it yourself.

 

[haha]

Hospitality like that definitely deserves a thank you note/letter.
I would personally kick it up with a nice box of chocolates or a local (to your area) treat. Buy it and mail it yourself.

I wonder about chocolates. Almost every woman is unhappy with her weight; why make it hard for her by giving her chocolates? Not that she doesn't eat them anyway, but I can't bring myself to enable a behavior that causes her such a struggle.

And local foods? I gave a family smoked salmon once. Really quality stuff; they absolutely hated it.

Many people would rather just go on eating whatever they usually eat. I often look in the liquor cabinet, and get a bottle of whatever is there.

Ha

 

[megacorp-firee]

When dw and I go to visit her family overseas, it's the same thing. They won't let me take my wallet out of my pocket. They view us as very well off, so it's a cultural thing. My dw wants to fight for the bill, which I hate. I tell her to be gracious and just say 'thank you' and then figure out what each of her family likes/needs and buy them gifts. She is getting much better and our suitcases are filled with gifts when we arrive.

So my vote is to send your friend a thank you note and maybe a nice flower arrangement or a wine of the month club membership for a few months or a year or something that you think they would like/appreciate. You will feel better and they will know you appreciated their hospitality.

 

[Midpack]

If someone offers to pay for me, I let them. I say okay, thank you. It shouldn't be more difficult than that.

Because the OP said "I feel kind of guilty." If someone pays my way once, I would offer to pay and just say thank you if they push it. But I could not let that happen repeatedly, as evidently was the case with the OP. I don't have a problem with someone else paying at all, but I would not be comfortable if I couldn't pay about half the time too. Not saying we need to keep score/even at all, just want to return the favor and not risk an eventual misunderstanding over the trivial cost of a meal...that's all.

 

[Khan]

After reading all this, I think there's much to be said for being a hermit.

 

[megacorp-firee]

After reading all this, I think there's much to be said for being a hermit.

Agreed, except it's tough getting fine wines, nice meals, and interesting company as a hermit. ... otherwise, I'd be right up there in the cave with 'em.

 

[freebird5825]

I wonder about chocolates. Almost every woman is unhappy with her weight; why make it hard for her by giving her chocolates? Not that she doesn't eat them anyway, but I can't bring myself to enable a behavior that causes her such a struggle.

And local foods? I gave a family smoked salmon once. Really quality stuff; they absolutely hated it.

Many people would rather just go on eating whatever they usually eat. I often look in the liquor cabinet, and get a bottle of whatever is there.

Ha

OK, OK...

How about tofu based MREs and a bean sprout growing kit? Just kidding.

Any small gift, personalized to the recipient's tastes and diet requirements, is always appreciated.

 

[TromboneAl]

Agreed, except it's tough getting fine wines, nice meals, and interesting company as a hermit. ... otherwise, I'd be right up there in the cave with 'em.

Buy fine wine, nice meal, and log on here. Problem solved.

 

[figner]

Why is it so difficult to simply say "thank you"?

I would totally prefer if people could just do this, instead of arguing back and forth about who gets to pay. When I want to treat someone, having them argue takes away some of the pleasure of giving.

After reading all this, I think there's much to be said for being a hermit.

Yes! There are days when interacting with humans is way too complicated.

Because the OP said "I feel kind of guilty." If someone pays my way once, I would offer to pay and just say thank you if they push it. But I could not let that happen repeatedly, as evidently was the case with the OP.

Maybe I should clarify. I was treated to a meal out twice during my visit, and otherwise ate out of my friend's fridge (she cooked a couple times, with me helping). That doesn't seem excessive yet, but it was enough for me to feel like I wanted to contribute more.

Anyway, I have ordered a shirt and gift card that I know my friend will like, and will send it with a thank you note. Thank you all for the suggestions.

 

[megacorp-firee]

Buy fine wine, nice meal, and log on here. Problem solved.

been doing it for years now

 

[megacorp-firee]

When I want to treat someone, having them argue takes away some of the pleasure of giving.

EXACTLY!

 

[Amethyst]

No need to worry. Women are perfectly capable of deciding whether or not to let you enable them. Plus, one box of chocolates never made anybody fat...it's steady intake that does the damage Good chocolate is a favorite with many women; if you aren't sure if she would enjoy chocolates, just ask her!

Amethyst

I wonder about chocolates. Almost every woman is unhappy with her weight; why make it hard for her by giving her chocolates? Not that she doesn't eat them anyway, but I can't bring myself to enable a behavior that causes her such a struggle.

Ha

 

[freebird5825]

No need to worry. Women are perfectly capable of deciding whether or not to let you enable them. Plus, one box of chocolates never made anybody fat...it's steady intake that does the damage Good chocolate is a favorite with many women; if you aren't sure if she would enjoy chocolates, just ask her!

Amethyst

For myself, I never met a fine Belgian chocolate I didn't like.

 

[Amethyst]

I met a man in Brussels,
He was six-foot-four and full of muscles.
I said, "Are you trying to tempt me?"

Oops...sorry for the threadjack

For myself, I never met a fine Belgian [-]chocolate[/-] I didn't like.

 

[haha]

No need to worry. Women are perfectly capable of deciding whether or not to let you enable them. Plus, one box of chocolates never made anybody fat...it's steady intake that does the damage Good chocolate is a favorite with many women; if you aren't sure if she would enjoy chocolates, just ask her!

Amethyst

If someone gave me chocolates I would wait until they left and throw them away.

But then, I am not a woman.

Ha

 

[freebird5825]

If someone gave me chocolates I would wait until they left and throw them away.

But then, I am not a woman.

Ha

THROW THEM AWAY !!!!

No, no, no...make a friend. GIVE them away.

 

[haha]

THROW THEM AWAY !!!!

No, no, no...make a friend. GIVE them away.

I yield to Freebird and Amethyst. You know much more about this than I do.

Ha

 

[walkinwood]

I think we, ERs and ER wannabees, have a chip on our collective shoulders regarding the dissonance between our behavior (frugal) and assets. In my experience, most people don't look at you that closely. They have enough in their own lives to worry about. They either like you & do stuff for you & with you, or are indifferent. Family may be an exception to the above.

You did the right thing in offering to pay. You can return the favor by inviting them to visit you & being just as generous to them as they were to you. Generosity doesn't need to translate to a lot of $s.