Busy retirees can still feel empty and miss their jobs

[FinanceDude]

Recall I live way out in the country, so my social contact opportunities are pretty limited. This is one of the reasons I volunteer at the monthly food bank at the local church, besides saving money on food. It is one of the best volunteer gigs I have found yet. I may get more involved on the county or state level. Maybe.
As far as venturing out on my own...I have done that to some extent. There are 3 prisons in the area and the type of folks who have moved into the area along with the incarcerated is a reason for some extra caution. I stay pretty close to my little town, which is pretty crime free. Not so elsewhere in the small cities nearby. No gangs, but lots of drifters.

Wonder why they put the prisons NEAR YOU??

 

[freebird5825]

Wonder why they put the prisons NEAR YOU??

Oooooooo....he is emboldened by the illusion of safety in the infinity of cyberspace.

 

[vicente solano]

I'm not a type A so I did not have any massive to do lists but I knew I would find ways to fill my time and I have . My sister who is a type A +++++ threw herself into everything clubs ,volunteering ,moving , furnishing her new house , and now it has been six months and she is starting to burn out . I went the other way I started slowly adding things to do as I needed them and left lots of puttering time . I do not feel empty without working but I do miss the social aspect of it .

Totally agree with you.

 

[Moemg]

Why does retirement have to wonderful & fulfilling ? My work for forty years was sometimes fulfilling sometimes boring and sometimes just plain awful . Retirement is just another phase of life sometimes great , sometimes boring but luckily it has not been just plain awful.

 

[vicente solano]

Until very recently it was mandatory that people retired at 65. At at the same time no pensioned retirement was possible prior to that age, save, like me, you were part of a massive lay off in big public corporations, being in such cases the minimal age 52. Spanish people, not being known to be workaholics, tend to envy people like me. And I tend not to air my condition, considered unfair by many.
The thing that is surprising me most in this forum is that you don´t seem to conform to the idea we have of you as people with an almost ethical attitude toward gainful work. In fact it baffles me that many of you reire or have retired much earlier than me ....willingly.
It seems to me that your very early retirement isnt always tbat. It´s some sort of prolonged vacation with an option to going back to work and suplement your pensions. This is impossible in Spain- Once retired if you go back to work -which is extremely rare- your pension is suspended.
Am I misguided in my idea of your attitude toward working?

 

[freebird5825]

Why does retirement have to wonderful & fulfilling ? My work for forty years was sometimes fulfilling sometimes boring and sometimes just plain awful . Retirement is just another phase of life sometimes great , sometimes boring but luckily it has not been just plain awful.

Excellent question!
This is one of the mental blocks I had to overcome. I was expecting TOO MUCH of retirement. The initial euphoria, of course, was wonderful and fulfilling, as in "I have arrived."
But the reality of retirement is it is simply not w*rking for someone else anymore. It has its own merits and disadvantages.
We still have to shop, cook, enjoy ourselves...just like before, except the time budget is totally different.
Zero w*rk, 100% other things.
Some of the "other things" still stink.

 

[freebird5825]

Until very recently it was mandatory that people retired at 65. At at the same time no pensioned retirement was possible prior to that age, save, like me, you were part of a massive lay off in big public corporations, being in such cases the minimal age 52. Spanish people, not being known to be workaholics, tend to envy people like me. And I tend not to air my condition, considered unfair by many.
The thing that is surprising me most in this forum is that you don´t seem to conform to the idea we have of you as people with an almost ethical attitude toward gainful work. In fact it baffles me that many of you reire or have retired much earlier than me ....willingly.
It seems to me that your very early retirement isnt always tbat. It´s some sort of prolonged vacation with an option to going back to work and suplement your pensions. This is impossible in Spain- Once retired if you go back to work -which is extremely rare- your pension is suspended.
Am I misguided in my idea of your attitude toward working?

This may shed some light...
Work ethic - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
and of course the American dream
American Dream - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[ratface]

But if you surrender to the process and allow yourself to experience fully all three stages of transition, a path will emerge and you will walk confidently into your new life.

W2R I've read enough of your posts to know you read the entire article and are probably looking for validation? Anyway I'm about four months behind you and appreciate the article. Many of the responses have been tremendously insightful. Isn't it what is often said here, "Come on in, the water is fine".

 

[W2R]

W2R I've read enough of your posts to know you read the entire article and are probably looking for validation? Anyway I'm about four months behind you and appreciate the article. Many of the responses have been tremendously insightful. Isn't it what is often said here, "Come on in, the water is fine".

To be honest? I thought the author was full of baloney, and that she made up the "three stages" just to sell the article. I thought that it was likely that her initial observations were real, though (just not her solutions).

Her initial observations surprised me, since I was under the impression that if one had things that one wants to do in retirement, that are inconsistent with work, that would pretty much take care of the non-financial preparation for retirement.

Edited to add: For example, concerning Phase I she said

In retrospect, I realize I didn't have an inkling that work filled so many human needs—identity, meaning, and community. I was too focused on the open door and all the exciting things I would do once I crossed the threshold.

Baloney! Identity? What's so different between saying "I'm an Oceanographer" and "I'm a retired Oceanographer"? Meaning? Puleeze. And community? I don't go to work to socialize.

In Phase Two, I'd experienced sleepless nights, angry outbursts, silent sobbing: the emotional tumult that Bridges calls the "neutral zone." His metaphor for phase two—"the emotional wilderness"—captures more fully its juicy texture.

Sounds like she's a psycho. Angry? Sobbing? maybe it's menopause.

In Phase Three, I settled down and regained my voice. I forged a new identity and found a new purpose. I'm as happy as I'd envisioned yet know that aging will present new challenges in my future.

Sounds like the end of a fairytale.

And yes, it has been really interesting reading the responses!! Thanks, everyone.

 

[donheff]

However, the author of this article says that she planned as I have but still found retirement to be unrewarding and disappointing for her. She discusses many aspects of retirement, and here is one of many thoughts that

Wherever you go you take yourself with you.

 

[Gotadimple]

To be honest? I thought the author was full of baloney, and that she made up the "three stages" just to sell the article. I thought that it was likely that her initial observations were real, though (just not her solutions).

Her initial observations surprised me, since I was under the impression that if one had things that one wants to do in retirement, that are inconsistent with work, that would pretty much take care of the non-financial preparation for retirement.

Baloney! Identity? What's so different between saying "I'm an Oceanographer" and "I'm a retired Oceanographer"? Meaning? Puleeze. And community? I don't go to work to socialize.

Actually, she didn't retire; she found a way to stay totally engaged in business by taking on coaching 'opportunities'. This article strikes me as portraying retirement as an ordeal one has to work through in order to become totally happy. Too bad she wasn't happy with herself before she quit working.

There are many ways to bring structure to one's day -- if structure is what's needed. Bringing daily structure is different from the working the "Bucket List."

I wouldn't view upcoming retirement as having certain roadblocks before you can get to the "list." You can start the list any time you choose, and you have the rest of your life to accomplish it, rewrite it, and/or chuck it and start a new one.

First thing, though: practice becoming non-type A. I too had a 60 hour per week job, with little time for friends, family, or making my residence a comfortable home. So the first several months were dedicated to attempting to learn how to be non-type A, and get on with making my nest more comfortable. This included many naps, as needed.

Today, I can still be Type A, but when I do, I find I make myself miserable.

Every day is an adventure. Yes, you need structure, but one doesn't need to make it as tightly structured as when you w*rked. There was a reason one structured tightly -- w*rk takes up VALUABLE Free Time. When the requirement to spend 8-10 hours/day laboring and commuting is removed -- you have the rest of your life to get the "list" completed.

-- Rita

 

[Rustic23]

I am about to finish the third year of retirement. Now, I am not as giddy now as I was the first couple of months, but still very content.

I think I may be in Moemg's camp. I never understood why people thin they have to 'make a difference', do something to give back to society, be busy all ktime, etc.

I don't volunteer. I don't have a part time job an never plan to. I don't care where the time goes, as long as I get to go along. I don't care if I get something accomplished today, there is always tomorrow. I like to watch TV, even stupid reality shows, and don't care if friends know it. Five O'clock is time for drinks on the deck and watch the sun set over the lake. I don't need structure, that's why I retired to get away from it. I have no retirement list of things to do, and I have done them all! The closest thing to a list is the latest idea of what we want to do next. i.e. trip to Utah to look at rocks!

If you try to forge your retirement into something you think others think it should be, given time you will be miserable. If your retirement is what you really want it to be, then you will be happy you did it. It's your retirement after all!

 

[vicente solano]

I am about to finish the third year of retirement. Now, I am not as giddy now as I was the first couple of months, but still very content.

I think I may be in Moemg's camp. I never understood why people thin they have to 'make a difference', do something to give back to society, be busy all ktime, etc.

I don't volunteer. I don't have a part time job an never plan to. I don't care where the time goes, as long as I get to go along. I don't care if I get something accomplished today, there is always tomorrow. I like to watch TV, even stupid reality shows, and don't care if friends know it. Five O'clock is time for drinks on the deck and watch the sun set over the lake. I don't need structure, that's why I retired to get away from it. I have no retirement list of things to do, and I have done them all! The closest thing to a list is the latest idea of what we want to do next. i.e. trip to Utah to look at rocks!

If you try to forge your retirement into something you think others think it should be, given time you will be miserable. If your retirement is what you really want it to be, then you will be happy you did it. It's your retirement after all!

I agree with your view of retirement. But many people will think that it´s a banal and wasteful way of spending the rest of your life. And some would even think that you are shallow)insubstantial/without interests... Well, too bad.

 

[dex]

However, the author of this article says that she planned as I have but still found retirement to be unrewarding and disappointing for her. She discusses many aspects of retirement, and here is one of many thoughts that interested me:

Your homework for tonight is to list the errors this person made. It should be easy for you considering how long you have been on this board.


"I resented sharing the computer with my partner." - Is this a person you will allow to influence your life? She couldn't figure out to buy another computer?

 

[ratface]

To be honest? I thought the author was full of baloney, and that she made up the "three stages" just to sell the article. I thought that it was likely that her initial observations were real, though (just not her solutions).

I would never have considered that perspective. I did have a little trouble with the whole sobbing episode. Women are just more intuitive interpretting other women. I've dealt with all kinds of Deputy Directors and invariably it becomes a power trip after a certain salary benchmark. Perhaps she no longer had someone to pick up the dry cleaning?

 

[W2R]

Actually, she didn't retire; she found a way to stay totally engaged in business by taking on coaching 'opportunities'. This article strikes me as portraying retirement as an ordeal one has to work through in order to become totally happy. Too bad she wasn't happy with herself before she quit working.

I really think you put your finger on the problem. She really didn't retire.

First thing, though: practice becoming non-type A. I too had a 60 hour per week job, with little time for friends, family, or making my residence a comfortable home. So the first several months were dedicated to attempting to learn how to be non-type A, and get on with making my nest more comfortable. This included many naps, as needed.

Today, I can still be Type A, but when I do, I find I make myself miserable.

I didn't think that I was type A, and haven't worked long hours since I made the transition from academia to government. But just recently, some people at work have been pointing out Type A behaviors and suggesting that it is time to "let go" a little.

Every day is an adventure. Yes, you need structure, but one doesn't need to make it as tightly structured as when you w*rked. There was a reason one structured tightly -- w*rk takes up VALUABLE Free Time. When the requirement to spend 8-10 hours/day laboring and commuting is removed -- you have the rest of your life to get the "list" completed.

-- Rita

Thanks, Rita!

 

[dex]

To be honest? I thought the author was full of baloney, and that she made up the "three stages" just to sell the article. I thought that it was likely that her initial observations were real, though (just not her solutions).

I agree. She followed the script - create a fear, show the reasons an provide solutions.

 

[Midpack]

I have a large number of activities planned for my retirement, and have thought beyond just selling my house, moving north, buying another house, and becoming familiar with my new community (not to mention spending more time with Frank). I have a list of 20+ activities that I love or would love but never seem to have time to do. These range from birdwatching to taking up the piano again, growing roses again, becoming probably the very last baby boomer to complete a 10K, and much more.

From all I've read here, you're about the most prepared for RE of anyone I''ve read. Some people can be satisfied with retirement as a permanent vacation but you can't count on that. Frankly I don't really think anyone will be happy in retirement as an extended vacation - I think most of them were just so active outside their worklifes that they naturally fell in to their other activities without thinking about it - that is great, but you can't count on that. It's not a permanent vacation, it's another stage in life.

You must have activities to retire to, not just retire from --- or you risk boredom and disappointment. Working at a second career, part-time or even volunteer work are good options for some. Doesn't mean you have to work or do something to contribute to society, but you have to have activities that give your life meaning or you might not be happy - that would be a shame. Your list of 20 activities is one of the smartest things you can do in advance, as long as they are not all finite activities (ie, paint the living room, sell the house, etc.). Some have to be lifelong or long-term activities, such as photography, gardening, golf, join a club, etc. And of course the to-do's and other activities can change throughout your life, not as if you have to decide by the day you walk out the (work) door.

And from what I've read, your finances are in order, good for you (really).

I noticed another piece of advice here that dawned on me recently too. DW and I have been madly trying to decide where to move to when we retire - had to know where before retiring. I have come to realize what's the need? If I decompress where I am now, take whatever time needed to get my house ready to sell and get it sold (whether that's 3 weeks or a year - so what), and research places to live when I'm retired and have more free time to do it - that's probably smart. You've said you're going to MO, but take your time, no need to rush off as quickly as possible. Go when everything is in order and you are ready, whether that's in weeks or years.

I know I speak for many here in wishing you the best of luck...

 

[DangerMouse]

Truthfully I have a hard time understanding how anyone struggles to cope with not having to go into the office every day.

I quit my full time job last July, consulted for a few months, but finished completely in February. I can't say I have missed work one bit. We moved a couple of months ago and I have zero friends at our new location, but you know I am not bored. I think it all depends on how good you are at entertaining yourself. I have always been self sufficient so I think that helps. I keep in contact with my friends from So. Cal and even went to Vegas for my birthday with 3 former colleagues.

Given my situation you might think I am bored but I find I don't have time. I started a workout bootcamp this week, so that means I am interacting with others every morning for an hour. By time I come home I am too exhausted to do anything. DH has already been warned that for the next month I am going to be too tired for anything.

I don't have lists or goals of anything that has to be achieved. I take each day as it comes and am just grateful that it does come. None of my identity was tied up with my former title, and I would be happy if I can work out a way that I never have to work again.

 

[Rustic23]

Solano,
I agree that there are folks that feel that way, however, not many of them live in our area! I do not live in a retirement community, however, most of the folks out here are retired. I don't know any that fee they still have some sort of destiny to full fill. And, for me, I just really don't give a rat sh(t if others think 'it´s a banal and wasteful way of spending the rest of my life'. That's why it is my life, and I am at peace with it.

I don't begrudge those that think they must make a difference, and I have no use for those that think I must, by living by their standards.

 

[Eagle43]

I'm into the 6th year of retirement and I like it more and more.

I go to the gym every day. I nap every day. I do a little internet surfing every day. Ditto on reading. Chores when necessary.

I cannot imagine a supervisor telling me he/she needed some project ASAP. Exception: DW.

Two glasses of red wine with dinner, no earlier than 6 p.m.
Life is not empty.
Life is good.

 

[freebird5825]

I agree with your view of retirement. But many people will think that it´s a banal and wasteful way of spending the rest of your life. And some would even think that you are shallow)insubstantial/without interests... Well, too bad.

From a card I received at my send-off lunch...

Retiree's Motto: I don't want to and I don't have to.

 

[Amethyst]

Vincente: It's not just that Americans have an ethic to work hard (although we do). It's more that we have this thing about $$. Money is how we judge ourselves against others. My fellow Americans don't seem to understand why anyone would bother to work hard, even in retirement, at any interest that doesn't earn money.

Here's another thing I find puzzling. Remember how much everyone seemed to hate school, which in retrospect was about 1,000 times easier than holding a job -- back then, everyone had things they'd rather do than go to school. Given enough money and good health, why wouldn't people welcome the chance to stop working and go back to what they used to enjoy. (And if your health is so poor that you can no longer do what you love, chances are, you won't have your job much longer anyway).

 

[Purron]

Great thread W2R. I've been retired for about a year and a half now and just now am finding peace with myself.

As the classic "type A" personality, I found myself missing many aspects of work, particularly the feeling of accomplishment, achievement and being part of something much bigger than myself. This was particularly difficult when so many banks started having problems and failing. Since I was a financial regulator, I thought I had to get back in the ring and fight the good fight. I knew my former colleagues were dealing with the biggest meltdown in decades and wanted to be in on the action. I even contacted my old boss about returning, but later changed my mind. I instinctively knew it would be an enormous mistake to get back on the same merry go round that had nearly destroyed me, particularly during such an epic financial meltdown.

I filled my time with busy work around the house and devoted much more to my volunteer activities at the animal shelter. In addition, I completed all the necessary paperwork for five local charitable organizations to obtain approval from the IRS for 501(c)(3) status. My type A personality kicked into high gear as I plowed through the paperwork in record time and stayed up late making sure everything was perfect. All of the groups were approved quickly and with no requests for additional paperwork or clarification. This frantic level of activity helped fill the hole in my heart for feeling needed and helped me through the adjustment phase.

I must be a slow learner because I'm just now starting to figure out retirement is not about duplicating the patterns of work and chasing after some elusive sense of accomplishment. When I was going through my "missing work phase", many around here tried to explain this to me but I didn't want to hear what I now know was good advice. It's just now starting to sink in.

W2R, I also think it's a good idea to take your time with selling your home and relocating. Sure, all the activity will fill your time and focus your attention on a new adventure. Even so, you may find dreaming of retirement is quite different from experiencing retirement.

The bottom line is I'm glad I out when I did. Unfortunately, it took me more time than many others here to find peace with myself but I'm gettin' there. Even though each day is better, I'm still struggling with it. I suspect once my DH retires later this year, there will be another adjustment phase for both of us. DH is another over achiever and I suspect he will go through some of what I have. I hope it will be easier for him since I've learned so much and want to help him adjust more quickly than I did.

 

[Moemg]

When I decided to retire all my friends said "You'll be bored " and my answer was "After forty years I deserve some time to be bored ".