Busy retirees can still feel empty and miss their jobs

[Nords]

I get the feeling that she jumped before she was pushed. As Leo points out, she clearly wasn't ready to be responsible for her own entertainment. She doesn't seem to have done any research, prep work, or any other thoughtful consideration of her new path. And I bet she couldn't even spell Zelinski.

[BTW, Leo, about that ego comment: did you join the narcs and develop an ego to match, or did you join the narcs because the Marine Corps had already given you the supreme self-confidence and assurance to know that you'd be able to do whatever it took to succeed while showing the other narcs the best leadership they'd ever experience?]

The article's author mentioned:

sleepless nights, angry outbursts, silent sobbing

In retirement?!? Heck, that describes many of my working days!

My cynical skeptical part of my critical reading suspects that this is her attempt at drumming up clients for her retirement-counseling business. The worst kind of deadline journalism!

But I'm all for it if it can pay for another computer and a wireless router so that she doesn't have to scream at her partner.

In addition, I completed all the necessary paperwork for five local charitable organizations to obtain approval from the IRS for 501(c)(3) status. My type A personality kicked into high gear as I plowed through the paperwork in record time and stayed up late making sure everything was perfect. All of the groups were approved quickly and with no requests for additional paperwork or clarification. This frantic level of activity helped fill the hole in my heart for feeling needed and helped me through the adjustment phase.

Holy crap, Purron, I volunteered to deal with just one of those 501(c)3 situations and I thought the paperwork was nuts.

It's like beating your head against a brick wall-- it must have felt so good when you stopped...

 

[Purron]

Holy crap, Purron, I volunteered to deal with just one of those 501(c)3 situations and I thought the paperwork was nuts.

It's like beating your head against a brick wall-- it must have felt so good when you stopped...

Crazy at it sounds, I liked it! Just goes to show you what a bad case of the "missing work" blues I had. I'm thankful for all the level heads around here, like yours, that helped me through this adjustment.

Nords, I'm now pouring my energy into a project near and dear to your heart. Our renters finally moved out and DH and I have decided to fix up our rental and put it on the market. DH was particularly impressed with what I did with the kitchen cabinents. They are solid wood, but were really cruddy looking. Were were thinking replacement (expensive) or painting them (big PITA). Instead, I scrubbed the dickens out of them, did some minor repairs, and used a wood scratch covering product and they look GREAT! Today I'm heading over there to continue painting walls, trim and ceilings. It's my new j*b and should carry me through to the time DH retires since the place needs quite a bit of work. These days, I'm often spotted at Home Depot and Lowes in my paint spattered t-shirt and favorite pair of old jeans with the big hole in the knee.

The next big challenge will be DH and I being around each other 24/7 when he retires. That might be the time I actually do go back to w*ork Hey, we've been married since 1974, but have always spent our days at work. Did you and Mrs. Nords have an adjustment after she joined you in retirement?

 

[Nords]

DH was particularly impressed with what I did with the kitchen cabinents. They are solid wood, but were really cruddy looking. Were were thinking replacement (expensive) or painting them (big PITA). Instead, I scrubbed the dickens out of them, did some minor repairs, and used a wood scratch covering product and they look GREAT! Today I'm heading over there to continue painting walls, trim and ceilings.

Cabinet refurbishment sucks. You got great value by avoiding refacing or replacing.

Our tenants think we're such great landlords for planning to reface their bathroom cabinets. The fact is that we'd rather do the work on their time (and their rent money) than to do it in a vacant property (with a mortgage) between open house Sundays.

The next big challenge will be DH and I being around each other 24/7 when he retires. That might be the time I actually do go back to w*ork Hey, we've been married since 1974, but have always spent our days at work. Did you and Mrs. Nords have an adjustment after she joined you in retirement?

Sort of, but not so much between us as around other events.

She resigned from active duty in early 2001, was getting ready to join the Reserves, and was home alone on terminal leave. I was getting ready to retire in June 2002.

On the day she was officially off active duty, the governor's combative contract negotiations forced the state's school teachers to strike for three weeks. So we spent most of March homeschooling. The debate continues on who suffered more-- the teachers, the parents, the kids, or the governor's political party.

Shortly after we got the kid back in school, spouse's parents moved to Hawaii. Our tenants weren't yet out of the rental home so her parents moved in with us for a few weeks. (This is fantastic motivation for renovating a rental.) Lots of quality time discussing her "unemployment" and my retirement plans, including the parts where they'd worry that I was impoverishing their daughter. (We've been married nearly 23 years but the jury is still out on that one.) After a few weeks of renovations, once again we got the house back to ourselves and heaved huge sighs of relief.

A few months later she had ramped up her drill weekends into occasional stints of 10-20 days of active duty. When I was on retirement leave in early 2002 she'd either be working half a month or sleeping off the midwatches. Not much interference.

By the time she was dialing back to drill weekends, I was fully in the retirement groove. We've always been introverts, and over the last few years we've happily morphed into hermits. We're each capable of being responsible for our own entertainment. I have a large network of e-mail/discussion board contacts and my investment/writing projects to occupy the attention that I'd otherwise focus on her, and she has her own social network & projects. Although we have entire schoolday mornings/afternoons home alone together, we don't spend it gazing soulfully into each other's eyes-- unless, of course, she wants to.

The usual routine is each of us in a different part of the house working on our own or watching TV/surfing the web. We work out together. We work together for an hour or two on chores or errands or a home-improvement project. I go surfing, she volunteers for a non-profit. We alternate fixing dinners. Most of her nagging is directed at our kid. Our kid and I go to taekwondo three nights a week with occasional weekend clinics or tournaments. She and the kid go do grrrl stuff. Now that our kid has her own driver's license, outside of school hours we're usually just on duty for emergency response-- or emergent financial support.

We probably spend less than an hour a day actually sitting next to each other alone in the double-wide recliner or having a discussion. Most of that sitting/discussion stuff happens during quality parenting time. Evenings, weekends, & school breaks are family time and we're glad to get the house back to ourselves on Monday morning.

Tomorrow we drop our kid off at the airport for five weeks of Mainland college programs. We're following her next week for a few days of family vacation between the two programs but we have a week home alone followed by three weeks alone. Neither one of us parents comprehends the angst about empty-nester syndrome, but we're eager to get started on the research!

 

[Walt34]

The next big challenge will be DH and I being around each other 24/7 when he retires. That might be the time I actually do go back to w*ork Hey, we've been married since 1974, but have always spent our days at work. Did you and Mrs. Nords have an adjustment after she joined you in retirement?

We had a similar adjustment period. After a while it started to feel like we were "joined at the hip" with the move to a new area, getting the house set up, and dealing with some issues with FIL's house that had suffered much benign neglect. That was about the time I bought a small boat and decided to explore the North branch of the Potomac River.

Then she decided to go back to school and finish her BA degree which took a lot of her time, and a while later I got a job and bought the motorcycle and some other toys with the income from that.

The first year was stereotypical - like being on an extended vacation, but then we both started to look for more to do.

 

[DayDreaming]

I've always felt that there's some basic human need to feel like you're moving towards some goal. I think a lot of people get fulfillment from their j*b, not that they're workaholics, it's just that sense of doing something useful, contributing to something good, moving toward some goal. In retirement these people might feel like something is missing.

Some might fill that void by doing volunteer work for a good cause. Some might realize that spending more time with family & friends, or just sitting on the deck watching the sun set is a very worthy goal. And contributing to your own inner peace is in some small way helping to achieve world peace, and that's one very worthy goal.

 

[Walt34]

I've always felt that there's some basic human need to feel like you're moving towards some goal.

It may be. A friend once said that I was "very goal-oriented".

Of course, he's also the only person I ever talked to about the divorce who didn't understand why I'd refuse to take out a loan for a vacation when we were already flat broke, had a house with an "iffy" septic system, 20-year-old appliances well past normal life expectancy, fire-prone aluminum wiring in the basement, curling shingles on the roof and thinks bouncing a check is no big deal.

But you're right. Watching a nice sunset is a worthy goal.

 

[Rustic23]

I think 'that there's some basic human need to feel like you're moving towards some goal' is more of a modern way of thinking that a deep seated human need! I guess if you say that the caveman had the goal of surviving another day, then maybe we do, but for much of human existence the majority of the population wanted little more than that. Even retirement is a fairly modern idea. I believer spurred on by SS. Very few people, if any, in the 1400 retired, and their goal in life was to have enough to eat. Kind of the basic subsistence of Maslov. While there may have always been a few folks around that set around and pondered man's existence, IMHO, it was not till the 19th and 20th century that we were afforded the luxury.

 

[vicente solano]

From a card I received at my send-off lunch...

Retiree's Motto: I don't want to and I don't have to.

That´s my motto exactly! I tell everybody who want to hear it that I don´t have to take anybody´s c**p, pardon my Spanish!

 

[freebird5825]

That´s my motto exactly! I tell everybody who want to hear it that I don´t have to take anybody´s c**p, pardon my Spanish!

I have that card positioned on my dresser mirror, so every day at wake-up time, it is right in my line of vision.

 

[CuppaJoe]

That´s my motto exactly! I tell everybody who want to hear it that I don´t have to take anybody´s c**p, pardon my Spanish!

Sentiment on a graduation card: "Always carry a bag of **** with you, then you don't have to take any from anyone else."

 

[Alan]

Good thread and something we've thought about a lot. Fortunately I'm not an A-type personality, although at work I am never without plenty to do and am always looking to improve the way things are done to make them more efficient.

DW has been trying out this retirement thing very successfully for the last few years although she is back to working 2 days a week on contract with her old company after we returned here 2 years ago from Texas.

We plan on living in different parts of this country and other countries (months at a time) but maintain a base that we come back to. (we've already downsized to a 1400' apartment that we can 'lock and leave').

We plan on expanding our exercise activities throughout the week - gym, exercise classes, tennis, cycling etc - all stuff that we enjoy doing now and have been doing for years.

I plan to get back to being a soccer referee, get my FIFA badges again etc. I love soccer and used to enjoy being a ref but gave it up 10 years ago because it was just too much on top of work, but both my kids were ref's from age 14 to 18 so it provided a great bonding environment.

... and I'm confident that I can learn to take life more slowly, eat like the French and others do ( slowly, hanging out, and enjoying their meals )

 

[Dawg52]

I'm into the [-]6th[/-] 3rd year of retirement and I like it more and more.

I go to the [-]gym[/-] golf course every day. I nap every day. I do a little internet surfing every day. Ditto on reading. Chores when necessary.

I cannot imagine a supervisor telling me he/she needed some project ASAP.

Two [-]glasses of red wine[/-] bottles of med's with dinner, no earlier than 6 p.m.
Life is not empty.
Life is good.

There, now that sums up my retirement.

 

[vicente solano]

There, now that sums up my retirement.

Scratch golf and add whatever my wife says, cycling and strumming my guitar to sum up my retirement. Blissful way of marking time.

 

[Purron]

... and I'm confident that I can learn to take life more slowly, eat like the French and others do ( slowly, hanging out, and enjoying their meals )

I've noticed this about the French. It's a skill many Americans sadly lack myself included. DH and I need a trip to France or Italy in the worst way.

 

[ladypatriot]

However, the author of this article says that she planned as I have but still found retirement to be unrewarding and disappointing for her.

Well, I read the article, and I don't agree with everthing she wrote, and I'll go into that in another post. However, my first reaction is: She "found retirement to be unrewarding and disappoint for her" but she is not you.

We can't really know what all of her expectations were.

 

[Alan]

I've noticed this about the French. It's a skill many Americans sadly lack myself included. DH and I need a trip to France or Italy in the worst way.

Last year we had a week in a little place close to Pamplona followed by a week in a little place close to Biarritz, and the Spanish in the Pamplona area seemed to pretty laid back and took lots of time over their meals as well. Not sure if this is the case in other parts of Spain). About 3 years ago I was in Italy on business in Scarlino and found myself on the last night in a little village close by on the Tuscany coast called Portiglioni. I strolled down the main street and found a restaurant and enjoyed a meal lasting a LONG time but when I left there were still plenty folks eating who had been there when I arrived.

Definitely a skill DW and I plan to work on.

 

[vicente solano]

Last year we had a week in a little place close to Pamplona followed by a week in a little place close to Biarritz, and the Spanish in the Pamplona area seemed to pretty laid back and took lots of time over their meals as well. Not sure if this is the case in other parts of Spain). About 3 years ago I was in Italy on business in Scarlino and found myself on the last night in a little village close by on the Tuscany coast called Portiglioni. I strolled down the main street and found a restaurant and enjoyed a meal lasting a LONG time but when I left there were still plenty folks eating who had been there when I arrived.

Definitely a skill DW and I plan to work on.

You´ve been in one of the best places to eat in Spain. That area is also considered to have a very good standard of living in the sense of knowing how to enjoy the good life.

 

[ladypatriot]

I've read the article a second time, after reading everyone's responses, and I agree with the cynics. The woman sounds like she's peddling the outline for a book she wants to write or drumming up business for her "retirement coaching" business. Retirement grieving process? Horseshit.

I don't think the writer ever really thought about retirement, except that she wouldn't be working, or planned for retirement, except in the financial sense. What were her expectations? What did she think she was going to do for the rest of her life? She mentioned a few times the exciting things she was planning to do, but apparently she never did them. We don't really know what she was doing, except the angry outbursts and "silent sobbing" (I'm still trying to figure that one out...when I sob it's rather noisy). Apparently she still needed the structure, social contact, and self-importance that her work provided.

I work 20 hours a week during the school year (September-May), and even though I enjoy my work (I teach preschool), I'm looking forward to full-time retirement. During those three months during the summer, while I'm not working, I'm happier than I am during the school year. For the past few years, at the end of each summer, it's harder for me to face the new school year.

I don't need to be busy all the time, and I don't want to be busy all the time. What I do want is the freedom to do something just because I want to, not because I have to. Most importantly, I think, is that my identity, my self-worth, is NOT dependent on my work. The woman who wrote the article apparently had a lot of her self, her life and her identity tied up in her work - much more than she realized, perhaps.

Everyone else has said much the same thing, I guess. The article irritated me, and I need to throw my ten cents in.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Ah, perhaps a few days of dealing with an overbearing, condescending boss will fix her craving for "work" work. However, I'd trade complete boredom with self-directed, rewarding work that also pays well. Except for being a stripper, however, I can't think of any other job that qualifies.

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Ive never been happier doing nothen.

 

[kumquat]

PLEASE, Tell me you're kidding!

 

[vicente solano]

Ah, perhaps a few days of dealing with an overbearing, condescending boss will fix her craving for "work" work. However, I'd trade complete boredom with self-directed, rewarding work that also pays well. Except for being a stripper, however, I can't think of any other job that qualifies.

Never found a job that had all those 3 qualities.

 

[vicente solano]

PLEASE, Tell me you're kidding!

There is a lot to be said for "il dolce fare niente"

 

[unclemick]

At 16th yr of ER - about ready to graduate into genuine ole phartness - with a Medicare card - memory/hindsight gets a tad hazy but:

I went through a 'don't ask don't tell kind of phase' which I labeled unemployed but not looking out of town real hard/house SO/etc. Now I did slip in a year and worked as a jobshopper.

My 'official' coming out was when my age 55 pension check arrived.

I have achieved the Zen like - no bucket list/to do's/etc. I can croak tomorrow or live forever.

With several years hindsight - it is amazing how busy - doing nothing in particular can get.

heh heh heh - There was a mental transition but it dims with time - musta been no big deal.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Ah, perhaps a few days of dealing with an overbearing, condescending boss will fix her craving for "work" work. However, I'd trade complete boredom with self-directed, rewarding work that also pays well. Except for being a stripper, however, I can't think of any other job that qualifies.

Yeah, but I think you don't get to drink much beer if you want to keep a stripper body going for tips. So that's pretty much out as far as I'm concerned.