Feeling Empty after early retirement

[Mickslick]

I struggled with the lack of structure and a sense of purpose too when I first ER'd, no problem now, for me, I had to reprogram my brain. Remember, retiring before 50, puts you in about 1 to 2% of the population, the other 98% are typically either angry or jealous that you found a way out, or they are hopelessly lost in societal and familial programing and cant comprehend anything other than being a meaningless cog in the corporate machine, especially if you are male

Just saying, that some of your issues might be more related to you feeling the pressures of society and others rather than the fact that you now have control over your destiny, get past this and your whole outlook and daily activity may dramatically change for the better.

 

[Happybee27]

He is just trying to save us lost souls...

Me? I am just in the second week of the death spiral and loving every minute of the ride to the bottom...

Glad that you feel that way, start planning for longer term activities/goals before you get bored. I was having so much things to do in my first six months....jumped into things that I didn't have time to do before FIRE, have more time to smell the flowers. But the emptiness and bore...start get in when I completed my short term goals.
Hopefully I will get out from the mode soon after considered all the great suggestion from the forum.

 

[Tigger]

Got that, Oilspill?

I believe the oilspill has been contained.

Tigger - trying not to be curious about bbbamI's shenanigans

 

[Kroeran]

I wonder if its like suffering from a nutritional deficiency....its tough to figure out just precisely what one is missing

so from work we get a whole range of things:
- money
- for some managers, power and ego support
- social interaction, albeit forced
- actual friendships
- pseudo relationships that camoflaugh our incapacity for authentic relationships
- healthy competition
- free source of school supplies ; - ) [just kidding]
- distraction from thinking about the meaning or purpose of our lives
- time away from spouse

So one approach is to add to this list and ponder and test each one, monitoring your emotional feedback to see if you can isolate the true causal factor of ennui.

Another tack is that boredom is the state that occurs when you successfully achieve a goal (its a good thing), and is the signal to reach for a higher or more meaningful goal, which probably should not be more materialism (but could be)...could be something more along the lines of finding five new authentic friends over a 12 month planning cycle.

One area I would pay attention to is ensuring that you don't become the boring grouchy wife at home, and that you be very careful through this period to conciously manage your husband's experience of being married to you.

Philosopher Epicure on Happiness:

goto youtube and search Philosophy: guide to happiness part 3 if this link is not working

his basic idea is that to be happy you need three things....
1) freedom from the tyranny of a boss
2) to be surrounded by authentic friendship
3) to live philisophically...the examined life

this is why most of us were much happier in school or college than working life...

 

[bbbamI]

Tigger - trying not to be curious about bbbamI's shenanigans

Hmmmm.....ok....I'll give you at least one shenanigan...


http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/what-is-the-craziest-stunt-youve-ever-pulled-44592.html

 

[foxfirev5]

Since I'm not quite at the comfortably FI stage yet I can't speak from experience. However, I certainly think about how I'll feel when I throw out the computer bag and transition into retirement. Like the OP I know I would not be able to return to the workforce in the same capacity or compensation level. This quite frankly scares me into thinking I may keep on working. Also as I get closer to FI the little things at work don't bother me too much. I take pleasure in watching my coworkers scurry about trying to make a favorable impression. Its getting easier to laugh at the absurd assignments and ultimatums at Mega corp. Maybe it is better to stay at work and have some fun for a change.

 

[Kroeran]

I am in the FI stage and having a blast at work carefully telling truth to power and mentoring the junior staff on how things REALLY work.

The appraisal conversation begins with...I can leave at any time...how can we make this work so that I can hang around for a while.

 

[Purron]

I am in the FI stage and having a blast at work carefully telling truth to power and mentoring the junior staff on how things REALLY work.

The appraisal conversation begins with...I can leave at any time...how can we make this work so that I can hang around for a while.

Ummm, yeah, we're going to need you to come in Sunday too....

 

[Kroeran]

does'nt that scene really capture the primal scream of what is wrong with corporate life and the sadism of many bosses?

small people with tyrant complexes who when given a little bit of power totally abuse it.

I am just sayin that once you pass the point of FI, there is this window of opportunity to have some fun and actually contribute to the corporation or country.

my FIL, near what was supposed to be end of this career, had a little inheritance come his way that set him up nicely, so he started speaking his mind at meetings - what followed was a meteoric rise to significant power and some actual impacts on history

When you are FI and hanging around (FIHA), the roles reverse and you become the guy in suspenders.

This year I told my boss I wanted 4 three week vacations or "work at homes" from October to May to go to Florida. He didn't answer the request directly, but I knew I got my way once he started referring to my absences in planning meetings.

this only works however if you have skills or corporate memory that is awkward or impossible to replace, but you have nothing to lose once you are at the point of leavving. Costs nothing to ask for what you want.

 

[M Paquette]

I am just sayin that once you pass the point of FI, there is this window of opportunity to have some fun and actually contribute to the corporation or country.

Oh, yes. That was definitely the best work experience I had in many years. It was sort of entertaining to track who did or didn't want me to show up in their meetings.

(Amusing side effect department: The company didn't like people posting those division-wide 'I'm leaving' mail messages. Once I had a definite departure date set, I blocked out that date and the following 30 years as being 'busy' in our meeting management software. The e-mails that followed from people who couldn't schedule me into meetings were entertaining.)

 

[Purron]

When you are FI and hanging around (FIHA), the roles reverse and you become the guy in suspenders.

FIHA - cool new acronym!

 

[cardude]

On the subject of retiring before one's SO:

DW wife still works as a school librarian so it's a little strange for me the 9 months she's at work. I really don't feel like I'm fully retired most of the time since I really can't go off and just do anything I want due to her job, but also because of our 10 and 13 year old boys.

She is still working because, according to her, she likes the extra spending money in her pocket that is not in the budget. We came up with the ER budget together, but I'm pretty much the one who tracks everything and tries to keep it in control. I was always the big saver in our relationship (some would say control freak) when I was working and DW was the, um, spender I guess.

Anyone else have any SO issues like this they had to deal with?

 

[haha]

Anyone else have any SO issues like this they had to deal with?

Yep, but they were resolved.

Ha

 

[cardude]

Yep, but they were resolved.

You're single, right Ha? I've gotta avoid that scenario, pretty much at all costs. We're great together, except for the money thing. Seriously, I married REAL well and she is a big reason I was able to do well at my previous job, so I've just got to figure it out. I can understand her need to have her own funds that she can blow on shoes, or whatever, without me looking at her funny, so if nothing else I guess I could just put that into the budget.

How does everyone else with a spouse or SO do it? Do you have seperate accounts?

 

[foxfirev5]

Regarding the SO, there's no doubt that our situation has to be a simultaneous retirement. We're a little bit competitive and I wouldn't want to have to submitt my daily report of what I accomplished while DW is at work all day. Heck I don't even have to do anything like that at my current job. Maybe more reasons to stay at work.

 

[NW-Bound]

How does everyone else with a spouse or SO do it? Do you have seperate accounts?

We never have separate accounts. However, ever since my wife retired, she spends even less than when she still worked. She is so afraid of having to go back to work - though not to the point of willing to sell a kidney like Khan - that she'd rather not shop than see the bank account gets depleted. As I still make money, I have become the spender. It is mainly my decision to buy most big items now.

And no, I do not hide any accounts from my wife. She knows we have an investable portfolio of 7 figures, but is fully aware that the market god can cut that in half and then some.

 

[REWahoo]

How does everyone else with a spouse or SO do it? Do you have seperate accounts?

Yep.

DW retired three years before I did and we developed/evolved an agreement of who is responsible for paying for what each month. We worked out a monthly budget amount we would each get deposited in our separate accounts, including some discretionary funds. It doesn't matter to me what she spends her money on as long as we aren't eating beans and rice by EOM (food comes out of her money ).

It isn't perfect but it has worked reasonably well for us.

 

[HsiaoChu]

A little self hypnosis is all that is needed, or go to a hypnotist.

All you need to do is convince yourself, or get somebody to convice you for you, that you have not really retired but are just on vacation.

My 90 year old FIL has forgotten that he actually retired 25 years ago and believes that he is on vacation. BTW, in his work life he single handledly stopped Toyota from selling its cars in the USA for 2 whole years! My favorite story about him.

H

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

All my earnings go to a joint account managed by my DW. She seems to actually like bookkeeping, unlike me. She could have a million bucks salted away somewhere and -- at least until the last few years -- I would never have known about it.

Now I keep hoping she does, and on our next anniversary she'll announce this windfall.

 

[NW-Bound]

All my earnings go to a joint account managed by my DW. She seems to actually like bookkeeping, unlike me. She could have a million bucks salted away somewhere and -- at least until the last few years -- I would never have known about it.

Now I keep hoping she does, and on our next anniversary she'll announce this windfall.

Well, not if your DW invested with Madoff.

PS. I make all the investment decisions. Everyday, as I get all account balances updated, I announce the bottom line to my wife. I did not even hide the fact that some days we were losing big, big bucks. Of course, some days we go up big, like today.

She was scared at first, but I think she is getting better at it. I did mention that when I croak, she should sell everything and put it all in Wellesley. Might have to write that down for her, as I don't think she would remember that.

 

[Kroeran]

I think its really unhealthy to have a situation where one partner has to worry about raised eyebrows of the spouse for impulse items such as clothing, unless there is good reason for this oversight.

for us, separate money, separate investment approaches, joint account to cover living expenses, tons of life insurance to cover her twice over in case I die too early.

all the women in the family are instructed to stick the money in a variety of simple vanilla non-guaranteed fixed annuities if left without a trusted advisor.

 

[Walt34]

Anyone else have any SO issues like this they had to deal with?

Yes. A divorce resolved the issues.

The second time around I married a bookkeeper/accountant. In some ways she's worse than me, but in 22 years we've had perhaps five disagreements over money (which is really about priorities) and none of those were serious.

DW wrote a spreadsheet that shows income and predicted expenses for the next few months, we have a set amount of funds for entirely discretionary spending, saving and so on.

It works mostly because we're so much on the same page about priorities the details seem to sort of work themselves out.

 

[Carnage]

My DW and I had a conversation last night regarding what we would do after retirement. I could rattle off about 10 things I wanted more time to do. DW.....basically said she wanted to read more. I imagine you need to prep for retirement just like anything else.

 

[Kroeran]

like with anything, rent before you buy if that is possible

I recommend taking a month or more off and not going anywhere before you pull the cord of no return

 

[Nords]

We came up with the ER budget together, but I'm pretty much the one who tracks everything and tries to keep it in control. I was always the big saver in our relationship (some would say control freak) when I was working and DW was the, um, spender I guess.
Anyone else have any SO issues like this they had to deal with?

Spouse and I did our own Navy jobs for 3-4 years after college, and after we married I was still deployed a lot. We kept separate accounts but made the checking accounts joint. When I was home I did all the money stuff; when I was deployed she did the money stuff. She decided that I liked the money stuff a lot better than she did.

She actually left active duty about a year before I retired but her Reserve work came in drill weekends, spurts of active duty, and an occasional midwatch. During those times I took care of the parenting & home stuff so that she didn't have to do more heavy lifting. I also made sure to be around when she got home in case she needed to vent.

Otherwise I didn't discuss surfing unless she brought it up first...

Now that we're both ER'd, the understanding is that we'll do most of the projects & chores together. We each have occasional days when one of us is out of the house for volunteer work or other interests. The other is free to work as hard as they want on the domestic front-- or not.

The important thing is to leave all of this open for periodic re-negotiation. Empty-nesting might lead to a whole new division of responsibilities.