For Book: Do You Seem Happier Than You Are

[brett]

My spouse sometimes thinks that I am crass and unfeeling. My advice is always to get over yourself and move forward. There are always people worse off than you. Instead of moaning about, get down to it and change or adapt to your situation. Wishing, hoping, shoulda coulda is not the answer to any challenge.

I believe those who move forward are in fact much happier and at peace with themselves than those who look for sympathy and do nothing to move their situation forward.

 

[TromboneAl]

Maybe the quote should be: “Be kind, for 58.7% of the people you meet are fighting a hard battle.”

 

[ER Eddie]

I answered yes, referring to other people I know being less happy than they seem. I spent my career in the mental health field, so I'm very familiar with the discrepancies between how people present themselves to others and what is really going on inside. People are often less happy and well-functioning than they appear on the surface. I think that's very true.

It's normal for people to want to project a positive image of themselves to others, so there's nothing inherently wrong about this. It's natural. It's called impression management or self-presentation or persona or public self. One factor that contributes is that, in our culture, "negative" emotional states or psychological difficulties are often naively judged as signalling that something is wrong with the person (e.g., some type of weakness or shortcoming). So people suppress, hide, and defend against that stuff.

Even though it's basically a normal/typical process, the level varies. Some people are more or less congruent, meaning the inside matches the outside for the most part. There are limits -- no one can be 100% congruent; it would be stupid to be an open book to everyone; and there are clearly some benefits to mild impression management and a little self-delusion.

Some people do it a lot, though. They're impression managing on all 6 cylinders, you might say. Some don't even know, and couldn't tell you if they wanted to, what they're actually feeling or experiencing.

So yeah, many people (I'd say most) present themselves as happier and more fulfilled than they really are, and they talk as if life is going better for them than it really is. Social media probably exacerbates this, with its emphasis on image and appearance. Ultimately it's just a normal part of social life, though. The devil is in the details, i.e., how much of a distortion there is and what the consequences are.

It reminds me of the saying, "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides." Good advice.

p.s. I should add that some people do the opposite -- present themselves as more miserable than they really are. They do that for a variety of reasons -- sometimes it's a plea for help or sympathy; sometimes it's for attention; sometimes they are trying to manipulate or control things; sometimes they have a self-image of a martyr, so there's a kind of pride in it. So, you'll get some people who exaggerate their suffering.

 

[Rianne]

^^ This has made me think deeply about how I judge others.

 

[Amethyst]

But you never know whether the person who's presenting themselves as a martyr in some ways, is also suffering from something they don't want others to know about.

Think of the large number of people who make a poor mouth, when there is anecdotal evidence that they have plenty of dough to spend. They could be suffering from loneliness (for example), and never give a sign.

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p.s. I should add that some people do the opposite -- present themselves as more miserable than they really are. They do that for a variety of reasons -- sometimes it's a plea for help or sympathy; sometimes it's for attention; sometimes they are trying to manipulate or control things; sometimes they have a self-image of a martyr, so there's a kind of pride in it. So, you'll get some people who exaggerate their suffering.

 

[ER Eddie]

But you never know whether the person who's presenting themselves as a martyr in some ways, is also suffering from something they don't want others to know about.

Think of the large number of people who make a poor mouth, when there is anecdotal evidence that they have plenty of dough to spend. They could be suffering from loneliness (for example), and never give a sign.

That's true, too. There are people who do both -- they present an overly, unrealistically positive impression of themselves AND they exaggerate their suffering. I'm thinking of the somatizer, who complains in exaggerated ways about physical symptoms but denies any psychological/emotional issues.

Personally, I've never had a tendency to exaggerate my suffering and have a hard time relating to that style. I was the other way -- impression managing, "all is well," everything's fine. I grew up in a family that prized being cheerful and jokey/agreeable, so discussions were always on the surface, with very little sharing of painful or vulnerable states. If you've seen the movie Ordinary People, it was a lot like that. I've worked very hard over many years to become more open and honest. It's been pretty interesting. I'd always tell people, if you ever get bored, just try being completely honest. Things will get interesting real fast, lol.

 

[RobbieB]

I think everyone puts on a bit of a face and may appear somewhat happier socially than in private. Those that don't probably have a harder time making friends, or keeping them.

For example, when someone says "hey how are you?" - they don't want a list of your latest gripes and aches and miseries. Not really. "great, you?" or some version of that is the expected reply.

Yup, that's it!

I remember going through the checkout line at the grocer after my wife died.

The checker "how are you"

The truth "I'm utterly miserable, I can't stop sobbing and I feel like crap because I miss my wife who died last week"

But you don't tell the truth to the grocery clerk eh? "I'm OK"

 

[TromboneAl]

It reminds me of the saying, "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides." Good advice.

Nice. I think I'll try to work that into the book somewhere. Like:

She seems so much more well-adjusted than I do.
Well, don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides.
What the hell does that mean?
People aren't always as happy as they seem. So if blah blah.

 

[Rianne]

Nice. I think I'll try to work that into the book somewhere. Like:

She seems so much more well-adjusted than I do.
Well, don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides.
What the hell does that mean?
People aren't always as happy as they seem. So if blah blah.

How about "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors" Doors could be your inner self closing out reality (or perceived reality).
I can fake happiness around DSI who I honestly cannot stomach. I share pleasantries and ask questions that are important to her. Where behind closed doors I loathe (seems so mean) her. I feel guilty but how do you show someone you truly dislike in front of the rest of the family who bend over backwards to please her?

 

[Sojourner]

I know that there have been many studies that confirm most people have a "Pollyanna" bias, i.e., they view their lives as better than they actually are. IOW, if you gather objective data about people, such as their health, their relationships, their finances, their jobs/careers, how bored or stressed they are, etc., and you compare that to how they tell you their lives are going, people almost universally will tell you their lives are going better than the objective data would indicate. Not sure if this is relevant to what you're asking in this poll, but thought it might be worth mentioning.

 

[razztazz]

I know that there have been many studies that confirm most people have a "Pollyanna" bias, i.e., they view their lives as better than they actually are. IOW, if you gather objective data about people, such as their health, their relationships, their finances, their jobs/careers, how bored or stressed they are, etc., and you compare that to how they tell you their lives are going, people almost universally will tell you their lives are going better than the objective data would indicate. Not sure if this is relevant to what you're asking in this poll, but thought it might be worth mentioning.

I am probably living in the center of that but as I was reading your post I thought: regardless of the "objective" data, isn't how well a person is doing ultimately a subjective thing anyway? The objective data says Larry doesn't have much money=he shouldn't be happy/he is putting on a brave face when he says he is happy. But Larry is quite at peace with things economically. He knows he's not Bill gates but at least he doesn't sleep in the park. Is he happy or just fooling himself?

 

[kgtest]

I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve but i think people can tell when I am stressed. Not necessarily unhappy or sad but maybe. My DW's emotions are like an iron curtain lol.

I know my faults and need to watch myself as I sometimes knee jerk lash when angry or mad. I've found I get waaay better results being somewhat calm. People can understand you are angry through verbalizing it without showing it and that is sometimes an art lol.

 

[Sojourner]

I am probably living in the center of that but as I was reading your post I thought: regardless of the "objective" data, isn't how well a person is doing ultimately a subjective thing anyway? The objective data says Larry doesn't have much money=he shouldn't be happy/he is putting on a brave face when he says he is happy. But Larry is quite at peace with things economically. He knows he's not Bill gates but at least he doesn't sleep in the park. Is he happy or just fooling himself?

Well, I suppose you could say he might be both (happy and fooling himself). People seem to be generally very good at finding happiness—or contentment, at least—regardless of their circumstances.

 

[Amethyst]

Perhaps of interest to Al, as a writer: As a kid, I read a story called "Grandma's Lie Soap." It was in a science fiction anthology, but was really a fable about human nature. If Grandma washed your mouth out with Lie Soap, you became unable to tell lies, even to yourself! As an adult, the main character isolated the active ingredient, Veritol, and started a company selling Veritol mouthwash.

People liked the product because they felt better after using it. As more and more people became unable to tell lies, the whole world became happier, war disappeared, etc.

(Even as a kid, I found this to be exactly the opposite of what you'd expect. If nobody could lie to themselves about how well they were doing, how well people liked them, etc. I figured everyone would be less happy).

Well, I suppose you could say he might be both (happy and fooling himself). People seem to be generally very good at finding happiness—or contentment, at least—regardless of their circumstances.

 

[cooch96]

I must say, I’m happily shocked at the poll results. I would’ve figured about 95% would vote they are, or are confident they know someone who is, less happy than they appear.

 

[ckelly78z]

As I have grown older, I try to be more honest with myself and others. So I at least try to present the real me. I am generally positive and when I am not happy people know it. So I is, what I is. No hiding behind a false facade.

Being myself sometimes brings brutal honesty which can be perceived as being angry all the time (as my wife, and grown daughter say), so should I put on a happy face for them also ?

 

[Amethyst]

I am also known for being direct and straightforward, but haven't been told it makes me seem angry.

"Delivery" matters. But I would never advise anyone to be less than honest, to sugarcoat the truth, etc.

Being myself sometimes brings brutal honesty which can be perceived as being angry all the time (as my wife, and grown daughter say), so should I put on a happy face for them also ?

 

[Gumby]

"People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty." ~Richard J. Needham

 

[Lawrencewendall]

I really don't know how to answer. I'm almost always happy but have no idea how others see me nor do I care.

 

[bolt]

Predators primarily prey on the weak, its best to appear challenging, jmho?

 

[Amethyst]

That is exactly how my mentors at work expressed it to me. Only the term was "confident" or "assertive." "Challenging" would've been frowned on.

Predators primarily prey on the weak, its best to appear challenging, jmho?

 

[TromboneAl]

I read that 10% of the population is on anti-depressants. It's 25% for middle-aged women.

 

[Gumby]

Over the course of my legal career, I deposed literally hundreds of people. One of my stock questions at the start of every deposition was "Are you taking any medications that would affect your ability to understand my questions and answer them truthfully?" However, I would usually only get to "Are you taking any medications . . ." before the deponent would start rattling off a list of them. The number of people who said they were taking antidepressants was truly staggering.

 

[triangle]

Somewhat tangential, but given TromboneAl's screen name and the topic this song is worth a listen.

 

[Kroeran]

I would reframe unhappiness as a stress matrix.

There seem to be three categories of stress:

1) insults to our evolved genetic hardware and nature

2) mental level departures from our perception of a pragmatic, logical, sustainable path

3) insults to to our higher, creative, aesthetic, transpersonal, possibly eternal nature.

So, if I am having a bad moment, I interrogate myself regarding which level this negative stressor is coming from.

A big problem with FIRE is that we are creative, purposeful, experience, novelty, challenge dreaming and seeking creatures, so decadence and leisure drives most people nuts if they do not self motivate to feed those hungers the struggle for FIRE provided.

My gotos are, am I bored, am I lonely, am I doing enough for my widowed mother,

Scott Adams has been talking about happiness on his excellent podcast this week. His main strategy is to crowd out negative moods with intense activity.