What Would You Do? (Issue with family get togethers)

[Keim]

I've found this to be an unusually level headed board. Curious how you all would handle this situation:

Until recently we have had two family get togethers per year, involving my family, my brothers family and our parents. My family hosted one, my brother the other.

One day my brother called as I was arranging my annual get together stating his family would no longer be coming, and they would also no longer host their get together.

A few months later I politely inquired about the change: He felt the six hour drive to get together at one of our homes was overly long, the traditional times were no longer convenient, and we tended to always do the same thing at our get togethers. In short, they had become inconvenient and boring. I asked, and he was clear that my family had done nothing to offend. Aside from responding that I would have difficulty outside of traditional times due to my rigid work calendar, I dropped the issue and haven't brought it up since.

As time went on he made it clear that he would like to get together at different times of the year, in locations between our homes.

I have since noticed a pattern as we try to make plans-everything must now be at his convenience. He went so far as to have the parents move there 50th anniversary celebration from their desired MT location to a place near him in OR.

I value family time, and in the past have been willing to be inconvenienced to make it happen, but admit this perturbs me greatly. To make the decision a little more difficult-the elderly parents have been clear. They like having us all get together, are willing to flex for his convenience, and pushed me to do the same until told to back off.

What would you do?

 

[cooch96]

Eeks! Not sure there is a good solution to this. Sounds like your brother values family less than the rest, so he has nothing to lose by demanding things be done as easily for him as possible.

The only thing I can think of is to clarify this with your sibling. Point out, politely, as if it weren't obvious, that parents' anniversaries are for the parents and should be done at their convenience. Discuss how your brother's actions make you feel, but try very hard to not be defensive.

I'm optimistic that others on this board will have sounder and more helpful advice. Good luck.

 

[Midpack]

Doesn't sound unusual to me. I know people who visit family monthly if not more, and I know others who visit family annually or less. Distance is usually a factor. And age is usually a factor, when we get older with dear families & friends of our own, we might visit immediate family less. You value family time, that does not mean other siblings place equal value on family time.

It sounds like you and your brother are in different camps, he's not wrong, but neither are you. My DW is one of 5 siblings, each visited or phoned their Mom at very different frequencies. If anything, having the 5 siblings visit/call separately meant she had more visits!

In short, they had become inconvenient and boring...

Are you sure your brother is less available because it's "inconvenient" (as you allege), or maybe it's also (largely) because it's "boring?"

These days one can communicate as often as you like via phone/text, email, FaceTime/Skype - daily if you want. It's not necessary to be present, physically visit, that often in many people's views.

 

[Idnar7]

My family used to get together all holidays and over the summer while our father was alive. Once he passed, we quit T-day/Christmas/NYD and just spend with our immediate families. We still get together for the summer holidays at the family cabin. To tell the truth I like this much better.

 

[pb4uski]

I think you both should be able to meet up for dinner or even a day together occasionally at spots in between where you each live at times that are mutually convenient. I suggest that you propose 3 dates to get together... if he rejects all three and fails to propose an acceptable alternative... then there is a message there for you.

 

[marko]

To me 'traditions' only work as long as they work. Doing something that you don't really want to do year after year is no longer a tradition, it's a chore.

People sometimes just 'move on' and form their own lives separate from family. For example, my paternal grandparents lived less than a mile from us growing up. We saw them maybe once a year or by accident at a store...a few times they didn't recognize us until we told them who we were!!! (maternal grandparents made up for it though)

 

[jerome len]

How about you and your brother take turns setting the place and date for your get togethers. And, put together a short list of acceptable spots to meet....both of you put together the list. And.....do this looking him in the eye and say that this is "fair" to all. And, stress that a key goal is to please your parents and keep all conflicts away from them. Many families have had this type of problem....kids grow up, getting together is boring, especially to the kids, and it's hard to change the pattern. Open, honest communication between you and your brother is the key.....if you both agree to a plan it will work.....otherwise it's a hassle. Good Luck!

 

[EastWest Gal]

Living out west in places like Idaho and Oregon it can indeed be difficult (and dangerous) to get together, especially in the winter. My husband's best friend lost his entire family on a Thanksgiving holiday visiting relatives when he was only 13, due to weather.

Growing up my dad's side of the family got together regularly near but not on the holidays (except we always got together on Thanksgiving), when everyone lived in California, almost everyone in the Bay Area. It was simple. They rotated houses from event to event.

My mom's cousins all lived in the Bay Area and they had an annual picnic from the time I was 15 until I was about 40. They tried a lot of different parks in the Bay Area.

My sister and I scattered, so our lives are very different. We keep in touch, and get together about once/yr even though we're 2800 miles apart. My husband cannot tolerate his brothers at all. One volunteers in soup kitchens on the holidays and we have no clue about the other one.

We have grown to enjoy quiet holidays.

Perhaps it's the time of year, the changing lifestyle of your brother's family, or perhaps it's an issue with his spouse and her side of the family.

It probably isn't you.

Maybe try to get together at a different time of year-say a 3-5 day trip to an agreeable location.

As an aside, you could lock in an agreement to be together on 8/21/17. You both are in prime territory to view the total solar eclipse that day.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[JPatrick]

I see nothing unusual here. Been there done that for many of the reasons noted by previous posters.
You and your brother seem willing to negotiate so don't give up yet.

 

[kcowan]

We have cousins (once removed) who always get together on the NC shore in a large rental. The cousin from OR rents it and the rest of the family drives there from Florida and Virginia. Others from farther afield attend sporadically. They all chip in for the food. The cousin from NH never attends.

(Different strokes!)

 

[Keim]

All good advice above.

To be clear-I can deal with the change in dates/locations. I'm certainly not upset he wants to change the date/location of his traditionally hosted event. And I'll continue inviting him to mine-he can simply not come if he doesn't wish to.

It is the extreme focus on personal convenience I'm having trouble digesting.

 

[ivinsfan]

How old are your parents and where are they located distance wise relative to you and your brother? Will your parents travel to see you?

If your parents are infirm and can't travel much, I see where multi-family get togethers would be very appealing to them.Parents always have a sense of which child is easier to "guilt" into something or conversely which child has to be accommodated so there is no pushback. You have been chosen are the most sensitive, accommodating son. (OTOH if you are female, this is pretty much the way things roll all the time) no slam on women here, most families will back off from pressuring DIL because that can be pretty tricky.

The sticky part about twice yearly or less contact, is that something could be going on at your brother's end that you aren't privy to. People tend to put on a good face and might not go into problems they might be having.

You might a)...just tell your bro, I'm not getting much feedback on these get togethers, is there something going on you're not telling me about?

b) just say I want to go to an alternate planning schedule just as we did before so that my family and I have some input.

c) just say nothing and do it for your parents, but my personal experience was that once your parents are gone, your sib will be so ingrained in this pattern that if you change it you will almost never see them.

Is this brother your only sib? I have a brother ( the one I have almost no contact with) and a sister 1500 mile away who I see pretty much yearly and seldom go more then 2 or 3 days without some form of contact between us. She has the same relationship with our brother that I do, so the fact we are close kind of makes up for the lack of contact with him, we have no disagreement with him, he just prefers the maybe yearly phone call and the occasional text message.
It's a hard call to make,so I hope some of these posts are helping you.

 

[Texas Proud]

I just wonder about his motives....

If there are two get togethers, one at your place and one at his.... are you both not driving the same amount of time during the year Who drives the parents? If you do, then you are doing more going to him than he is coming... unless either of you have kids...


Our family get togethers are usually 'here' where the most people live... you have the option of coming or not... we have a brother who lives 3 to 4 hours away and he comes sometimes and not others.... there was about 5 years when he did not come because 'nobody told him'.... well, one of my sisters said he knows Christmas is Dec 25th and we have always met on the 24th (going on 50 years now)....


I would only do what he wants if it does not inconvenient me that much... the old way evened things out... the new way should do the same...

 

[Cobra9777]

All families are different and traditions change and evolve over time. I see nothing wrong with that. My family all lives in a specific area along the Gulf coast. I'm the only one who moved away from that area, which is 8-9 hours by car. So, it's sort of incumbent upon me to make the trip for get-togethers, and I've done this for the last 35 years. I don't mind, although we've been going less and less over time, especially since both my parents passed. When my parents were alive, we made the trip twice a year; it's now once every two years or so. I miss seeing my siblings and their kids/grandkids but we are very much in touch with each other via email and Facebook, and in fact maybe more than before. We love sharing photos and comments on Facebook and have a small "close family group" to facilitate this.

Meanwhile, our own family has grown and put down deep roots here in Texas. Both kids are married, first grandchild on the way, and we've become close with both spouse's families. We convinced the in-laws to move here several years ago when they hit 80. Plus, we have some longtime friends here that we always spend holidays with. Just let things evolve naturally and keep it positive.

 

[freebird5825]

How about you and your brother take turns setting the place and date for your get togethers. And, put together a short list of acceptable spots to meet....both of you put together the list. And.....do this looking him in the eye and say that this is "fair" to all. And, stress that a key goal is to please your parents and keep all conflicts away from them. Many families have had this type of problem....kids grow up, getting together is boring, especially to the kids, and it's hard to change the pattern. Open, honest communication between you and your brother is the key.....if you both agree to a plan it will work.....otherwise it's a hassle. Good Luck!

+1

Compromise is the best path. If not possible, continue to see your parents as your w*rk schedule permits and leave it at that.

The only thing you have control over here is your own planning.

 

[RetireAge50]

If my brother said he was sticking close to home I would say "that is cool". Then when he said let's meet halfway and hang out I would say "sounds good see you there".

 

[Midpack]

It is the extreme focus on personal convenience I'm having trouble digesting.

Again, I am wondering if that's (all or in part) a cover for "boring" (your/his word - he did say that evidently) or just not as interested as you evidently are. But you'd be a better judge than any of us...

What makes you right, and him wrong in this situation? He may well think you're pushing your agenda on him, and you are no?

Not unlike the earlier thread on volunteering when most people decline citing 'don't have time' when that's really not it at all.

 

[PokerGrumpy]

This kind of thing could be a whole lot easier if we could read minds. It's like "pushing a rope" as an acquaintance once said many years ago.

Consider these possibilities:
1) He really doesn't want to take the time to get together. It's not important enough to him.
2) He really wants to get together but a dominant force (maybe his wife) doesn't want to do it and he's just covering it up.
3) He really wants to do it but other factors in his life make that trip difficult.

Obviously you are the only one of the two of you with your parents best interest at heart. If I was in your situation, my parents' interest would come first. Here is the kind of thing I would do:

1) Identify a reasonable midpoint for you and your brother to meet for the get together;
2) Ask your parents to be honest and say how close to that point they are willing to travel, and pick a new point based on that;
3) Ask your parents in what time-frame they would like to do this; and
4) Once that's all figured out, tell your brother that you are setting up a get together and give him the time and geographical constraints. Make sure your parents know that's what you are doing and that they should leave it up to you to make the arrangements, to ignore any whining from your brother to them if it occurs.

Based on what you said, he will probably balk at your offer. Find out if it's the time-frame or the location.

If it's the location, ask him what he would suggest while taking into account the fact that his parents are getting older and probably don't want to travel too far from home. If you do not think that his offer is consistent with the needs of your parents just say "no".

If the location is OK but the time-frame is the problem, that is something you can work with.

If it ends up that he doesn't want to get together under terms that are consistent with the best interest of your parents, then plan a get together with them on your own at a time and place of your joint convenience. Leave it up to him to do the same if he wants.

Repeat this process every year until he finally attends or tells you to stop.

 

[rodi]

I would try to find compromise, even if it feels like you're giving in to him.

Perhaps he also has work schedule issues, or his wife does, or their kids have sports commitments or school commitments. The times may not work for him for a variety of legitimate reasons, just like alternate times don't work for you because of rigid work schedules.

Having lost a brother who we fell out of contact with (at his choice/action) for a few years prior to his cancer dx, and having lost my parents... I make a big point of getting together regularly with my sister and with my step mom. I have regrets about not forcing the issue more with my brother when he withdrew from the family. Let your brother know you care, no matter what.

 

[harley]

Do you like him? Enjoy his (and his family's) company? Or is it just a grind and a tradition getting together? I personally will put in a little effort to meet up with family members I like, and also will put in some effort for the occasional (not yearly) duty visit. But if it's just a guilt-based get together, let it slide. Visit your parents whenever possible, since they won't be here forever. Get together with brother when it works, and don't worry about it otherwise. I read the first couple of pages of a book called The Dance of Anger once, and it made the point that if you change your behavior in a situation, other people will change theirs to respond. If you stop being so accommodating, maybe he'll be a little more. If not, what have you lost that had any value anyway?

 

[ivinsfan]

I would try to find compromise, even if it feels like you're giving in to him.

Perhaps he also has work schedule issues, or his wife does, or their kids have sports commitments or school commitments. The times may not work for him for a variety of legitimate reasons, just like alternate times don't work for you because of rigid work schedules.

Having lost a brother who we fell out of contact with (at his choice/action) for a few years prior to his cancer dx, and having lost my parents... I make a big point of getting together regularly with my sister and with my step mom. I have regrets about not forcing the issue more with my brother when he withdrew from the family. Let your brother know you care, no matter what.

I'm sorry you have regrets about how things ended with your brother, looking back what do you think you could have done differently? I would love more contact with my brother and his family, he is the one closest to me in age.
I think I have done as much as possible and even pushed to the point where things got awkward and nothing really changed between us. I have now backed off and accepted the limited contact he seems most comfortable with. When I tried pushing and arranging family vacays or trying to meet up in alternate places, I felt quite a bit unspoken pushback and not a lot of cooperation.

Basically, I need to travel to his locale, about 1100 miles away,( luckily he lived in the same town as my sister for 35 years), then he and his wife will invite us all for the afternoon , feed us a wonderful meal and even though we are usually in town about 7 to 10 days, that is the only time we see him. When I type that out, it seems as if there are problems between us, but honestly, we have such fun on the day we spend together, that I have just accepted it on moved on.

The problem I am facing now it that my sister has moved to another area of the country, so I have no idea when I'll even see my brother again, it's only been a year since I've seen him, so I'm kind of waiting to see what develops.My brother does know I care, the issue is the way we want to express it to each other, not the actual feeling involved. He seems to have a more rigid line about what time=caring is then I do. He's never anything but loving to me when I actually see him.

So to the OP I say,you can't really get an adult sib to do anything they don't want to. You can bring up the parent situation and try and guilt them into, but then you are presenting yourself as the "caring" child and that probably won't go over well either.

 

[Keim]

Yeah-I definitely don't want to try guilting him into anything.

Still deciding how I feel about the get together in the middle suggestion. Not a lot in the middle. And his extreme insistence on convenience has been... off putting.

Hard to feel motivated to get together with someone not willing to put forth much effort on their end.

 

[ivinsfan]

Yeah-I definitely don't want to try guilting him into anything.

Still deciding how I feel about the get together in the middle suggestion. Not a lot in the middle. And his extreme insistence on convenience has been... off putting.

Hard to feel motivated to get together with someone not willing to put forth much effort on their end.

Exactly the situation I was facing with my brother and I just do what works for me and then I try to accept the end result. Perhaps you just might say to your bro, we both seem to have a lot going on now, let's just give it a few years and see if things get less complicated for both of us. You might have one convo that just says, you seem to be kind of rigid in the way you want these visits to go is there something going on I don't know about? If he has a real underlying problem you might feel better about being more accommodating to him. Has he been a selfish person in the past or is this behavior fairly recent? There is always a lot of backstory with family issues, at least in my family.

 

[FUEGO]

Your bro is probably busy with his own family, friends, work, etc and doesn't want to spend his limited vacation time and travel budget on family get togethers every year. I wouldn't take it personally - it's probably something he feels bad about but had to do for his own family's sanity and wallet. His wife may also play a role in shutting down the family get togethers because she wants to travel elsewhere, spend the $ on something else, or doesn't like getting together so often.

I'd give the bro some space and maybe try to meet up in another year. Keep getting together with your parents when you can and invite the bro if you want.

It could be worse - my bro lives in the same town as my parents and me, yet refuses to have anything to do with my family or our parents and prevents his wife and children from seeing us or our parents as well. Including calling the cops if any of us show up. I've already reached my drama limit so just avoid him and don't push the issue.

 

[MichaelB]

Yeah-I definitely don't want to try guilting him into anything.

Still deciding how I feel about the get together in the middle suggestion. Not a lot in the middle. And his extreme insistence on convenience has been... off putting.

Hard to feel motivated to get together with someone not willing to put forth much effort on their end.

Maybe it's not him, but someone else in his family, and he is not sharing that with you as he tries to manage his own family dynamics.