Do You Visit Relative's Gravesites?

[38Chevy454]

Just curious if you visit your relative's gravesites? With any set frequency?

I do not, even when I lived closer. Now I am couple thousand miles away so it is not possible unless I make a trip. DW is same as me, does not go to gravesites. Both DW and me are the highest generation in our respective families: parents generation and older are all gone. Maybe it's related to my Christianity beliefs, but I don't see any value in visiting the dead remains of a person, their soul is long gone. I even think the whole graveyard and burial is a waste of land, just cremate me and scatter my ashes somewhere I liked to be at. There won't be a formal gravesite for me

 

[lemming]

I have done so but not as a regular pilgrimage . And we went to the town my grand parents and mother were buried. Interesting but no emotional attachments.
I feel like I would be embarrassed or annoyed at people visiting my grave-except of course I would be dead. Trying to set up the arrangements this year for cremation and possible internment or scattering. Anyone know of professional ash scattering companies?

 

[braumeister]

I just did that last month for the first time ever. I was also the first member of my family who ever visited that grave.

Interesting story. My uncle was shot down and killed in WW II, and his remains were given a full military burial by the local town. Even though they were later dug up and reinterred at the American military cemetery in Normandy after the war, the town still maintains his gravesite as an honored memorial, even including his name on the marker. So he's one of a very few who actually have two gravesites in Europe.

I have always wanted to visit, just as a way of thanking the folks there for their kindness by spending a little money there. It was kind of emotional, and I'm glad I did it. Talking to the locals, I was very impressed at how many of them were well aware of it and still very grateful for the fact that they ended the war on our side.

 

[Ian S]

When my mother was living and I was visiting, I'd take her to the town where I lived growing up and one of the stops would be at the graveyard where her mother, my father and his mother are all buried. Also where she was buried last year after passing at 100 years. I'm heading back for a visit next month to see family and friends and plan a visit to the grave sites. It will be my first time since my mother's burial (it's a 2000 mile trip.) I will probably take some Wet&Forget to apply to the tombstones while I'm there.

 

[njhowie]

We have a number of relatives in the same cemetery. It seems that when another passes, we make the rounds and visit them all. Aside from those times, we haven't gone out of our way to visit.

 

[SumDay]

I have horrible memories of being drug all around the state on Memorial Day, placing ant covered peonies on the graves of people I never met, and watching my grandmother and her sister bawl as if it happened just yesterday. My spouse has similar memories, and so we don't do that whole thing. My parents are buried next to one another in the next town over, and I sometimes drive by their spot and wave. Seriously.

 

[athena53]

I will this weekend but not my relatives! The guy I've been dating has family roots in Hermann, MO. He'd never been there till the first time he visited Hermann with me 4 years ago (I go there for the B&Bs, the wineries and bicycling on the Katy Trail). So, now we always drive out to the little country church where many family members are buried and his grandfather was once the pastor. We've done quite a few road trips to other places in Nebraska and Iowa where other family members are buried and to Leavenworth where his parents (Dad was WW 2 veteran) are buried. he also took a road trip to some of those sites with his brother but has observed that they're probably the last generation that will visit.

I visited my grandparents' sites in Ohio last time I was there- listened to a couple of pieces from Mozart's "Requiem" while I sat there. A good experience but not a necessary one.

My parents as well as DH chose cremation. I've been back to SC where my parents' cremains are in the local church columbarium but haven't gone there. Our memories are in the stories, the pictures, and the things from their house that are scattered around our own houses. About half of DH's are in a wooden box in my house; the remainder have so far been scattered in 23 countries. I'm not done yet.

 

[Ronstar]

Yes, my parents and grandparents cemetery is 5 miles northwest on my drive to one of my hiking places, so I stop by sometimes on the way home.

 

[Midpack]

Sometimes when we are nearby yes, my parents and hers. But we have no reason to visit the city where my parents are buried anymore, so not sure when we'll be there next. We visited her parents site a few days ago by chance.

If the sites were close by, I am sure we'd visit, and more often.

DW and I have also opted to be cremated and scattered.

 

[Dash man]

My father is buried in California, and I visited his grave once when I was out there for my aunt’s funeral. My mother was cremated and had her ashes scattered at sea.
We’ve bought our plots and paid for everything. Being Catholic, scattering ashes is not an option. I’ve personally never cared for the idea of cremation anyway. However, DW’s stepmother was cremated and in a monument next to our plots and her father will eventually join his wife. DW does visit her mother with her sister every year on her birthday. They bring a bottle and toast to her as their mother wanted. She was Irish. DW’s late husband is in a columbarium in the same cemetery. She’s never visited him since internment. [emoji57]

 

[ShokWaveRider]

Nope.

 

[Winemaker]

Yes, but not on a regular basis.

 

[Bigdawg]

Just curious if you visit your relative's gravesites? With any set frequency?

I do not, even when I lived closer. Now I am couple thousand miles away so it is not possible unless I make a trip. DW is same as me, does not go to gravesites. Both DW and me are the highest generation in our respective families: parents generation and older are all gone. Maybe it's related to my Christianity beliefs, but I don't see any value in visiting the dead remains of a person, their soul is long gone. I even think the whole graveyard and burial is a waste of land, just cremate me and scatter my ashes somewhere I liked to be at. There won't be a formal gravesite for me

^X 1000. If you want to remember them, pull out some photo's.

 

[Bigdawg]

Anyone know of professional ash scattering companies?

Big Dawg's ash scattering LLC. You can't afford me though. Airfare to and from (business class). 5 star lodging for 3 night min. Per diem to cover daily expenses.

 

[mystang52]

Thought provoking thread. Mom died young, and I visited her grave (in Queens, NY) a few times as a young adult, but not since. Dad remarried, ultimately moved to Fort Lauderdale, and is buried there. While on vacation, I visited his grave a year after he passed. I've been to Fort Lauderdale several times since then, but have not felt a need to visit. I'm not religious, but I believe my Jewish religion doesn't allow cremation. Nevertheless, I told DW that is my wish.

 

[athena53]

Anyone know of professional ash scattering companies?

Unless you have some particularly exotic ideas about where they should be scattered, why not have a trusted person Just Do It? Yes, it's illegal in some places (and in some entire countries) but I have to confess I've been lax about that.

Some people have had their loved ones scattered from a cruise ship; apparently the cruise lines are quite used to it and will give you a certificate with latitude and longitude. My BIL in NJ had a large, well-appointed boat that could go pretty far out into the ocean and he'd do it for bereaved friends. They jokingly named one undersea hill The (Family Name) hump because that's where all their ashes went. My ex's ashes were also scattered from the beach in front of BIL and SIL's home.

 

[aja8888]

I visit my oldest daughter's grave site every July 14th to remind myself how much I miss the 22 years she was here on this earth with me. I skipped years along the way (she passed in 1999) when I was out of town.

A friend helped me locate my grandparent's cemetery back in Pittston, PA. They were all dead before I was born (coal mining region). I wouldn't mind someday going back there and looking at their headstones. Not a high priority, however.

My remaining daughter has instructions to have me cremated and she can dispose of my ashes any way she sees fit.

 

[youbet]

Telling the folks at the crematorium (via post-death directives) to just dispose of the ashes however they wish seems to be the way to go. Why create some responsibility and task for the living when you won't know the difference? Having some sort of special place or ceremony related to "scattering ashes" just seems like another memorial-creation similar to marked graves.

OTOH, when DW and I visited the cemetery in rural (very rural) west-central Arkansas where there is a family plot (maternal) where my maternal grandfather, grand aunts and uncles and other family are buried, it was a moving experience. My mother had told me horrific stories about life as a sharecropper's daughter in rural Arkansas during the Dust Bowl years which I don't think I really appreciated until that moment, decades after her death. Literally starving, the family moved to Chicago and the relative ease of factory jobs. And the roots of my frugality/LBYM were laid down.

So, I can see the post-death memorialization issue both ways........

 

[YVRRocketSurgery]

At least once a year around Easter and usually a couple of times a year. Developed the habit when growing up and my parents took me to my grandparents grave sites.
My grandparents (father's side), father, a few uncles and aunts are all buried at the same cemetary (they planned ahead). It's located about 20 minutes from where we live so it's not that hard for me to go visit.
However, the rest of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are scattered around the US and I haven't visited their grave sites.

 

[Route246]

I visit 4-6 times/year. I think when I retire I will visit more frequently. Have monologue conversations with both of my parents when I'm there. Seems soothing and reassuring to me that they are hearing me speak, albeit their ashes are hearing. Same for my grandparents who are at the same cemetery.

 

[athena53]

Why create some responsibility and task for the living when you won't know the difference? Having some sort of special place or ceremony related to "scattering ashes" just seems like another memorial-creation similar to marked graves.

I agree that it's more for the living. Some people need more closure than others; some want a final resting place for their loved ones where they can visit. I enjoy bringing a little bit of DH's ashes when I travel and leaving them in beautiful places. I've told DS I don't care if he puts my cremains out in a Hefty bag but if he has a "celebration of life" with a release of balloons that choke the wildlife I WILL come back and haunt him.

 

[Dawg52]

My mother was always big on changing the flowers a couple of times a year on our family plot. I'm the only living family member living in the area so I do the same in honor of her.

 

[MC Rider]

I did 10 years or so again, but they are all 2000 miles away. Doubtful I will go again.

 

[NameTaken2]

+1 OP.
I never visit family grave sites, and never will.
Same reasons.

 

[Teacher Terry]

All of my family is buried next to each other in my hometown 2k miles away. When I go back I always visit. I bought an urn plot for my remains at a local cemetery.