Westernskies
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- May 5, 2008
- Messages
- 3,864
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted?
Hopefully not electrocuted! but, ...sterilized...hmm..
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted?
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted? Like my grandpa used to say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
But AFAIK Kinky is gay, so maybe less useful advice in this case; and Kinky is a great entertainer so his statementcan be read hat way.I'd often felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain. - Kinky Friedman
God Bless Us All
I don't doubt the truth of any of this. Fed has been on the boards a long time. He gets something from being here, but it isn't advice. If you doubt this go back and read some old dramas, the advice given, and Fed's course of action. Simple things like house wiring are in a different category
Actually, I respect him for this.
Ha
YOU: Yea, she is a good lay and she can pop a couple of kids for me.... but the heck with her being my partner.... she doesn't deserve it.... yep, that is what I see...
Doesn't have to be a church wedding, just go to the justice of the peace and do it. If she wants to be married, you could offer her that and see what she says...sounds like she is no longer willing to have a fence sitter as a houseguest with privileges. Are you a selfish @$$ ? Probably, since you are now obviously not willing to follow thru on your commitments.
If it gets to that point, i will tell them the truth.When your kids someday ask you why you did not marry their mother, what will you say?
So, "Judy." [I need to humanize you to "get" this.] Judy, congrats on accepting the proposal from two years ago. Are you happy? Oh, yeah, you are three months post-partem with an active three-year-old running around and now you look like an internet widow, living with the children's father who works how many jobs, how many hours?. Says he can't forgive you for something you've already "worked out." Wants to spend his "copious" free time finding himself, while two children need attention, you gotta be kidding. And you, you want a big party wedding; I hear big weddings take a lot of time to plan, why do that when two children need attention; at this point why not elope? What's that he calls you, gf instead of fiancee? What's that all about, he proposed. Does that look like love to you?
Do you have family you can stay with for a few months or years while you sort this out? "
IMO you should either decide to "forgive" her wholeheartedly what ever you feel she did to you or leave this relationship, take responsibility of the kids and allow yourself and her to move on with your lifes.
In the situation of today you keep yourself in a nice and comfortable setting: You believe that what she did or might have done is worse than what you did, so you have the right to treat her the way you do: not keeping promises, escaping from responsibility.
And isn't it nice for your ego to see that she wants you so much as a partner?
You should better acknowledge your share of what hapened so far. You contributed to her dealing with another guy, you contributed to your criminal offence, you contributed to the kids, you contributed to her expectation of getting married.
Get real and take a decision other than to keep the situation open as long as she is willing to compromise.
Partnership counselling might help both of you to find one.
You both should ask yourselves what is best for your two children and let that be your guide. You indicated they were planned. When planning to have children, did you two consider the kind of life you wanted to provide for them? If so, I doubt these plans included living with two parents consumed with bitterness over past events and unable to make a true committment to each other.
Either work it out with counseling if you believe you have a chance at a long term committed relationship. Otherwise, go your separate ways and give the children the support they need. It would be better for the kids to be with a single parent than in a household filled with distrust and turmoil.
The children are going to hear and see your fights, your unhappiness , your disrespect toward each other as they grow up if you continue to live as you have been.
dude, you bought the farm 3 years ago. The wedding is merely a formality. You'll have a life long commitment with her with or without the wedding - via the kids.
So don't let the lack of a wedding be the thing that causes the split. This is not the time to wonder if someone better will "come along".
"they couldn't have a better mother" If this is true then sounds to me like most of the problems at this point are yours - not hers. 8 years is a long time to have your lives intertwined & have children together.
As to weddings & not being religious - I'm a total atheist & I had a very small church wedding - mostly to please my mom. What's the big deal to you (a guy) whether it's a preacher, a JP, a Buddhist monk, a witch doctor, or a Wiccan Priestess. We're guys. Weddings are for the women - it's something you do for her - the guy's part is just to show up with a buttoneire and a smile; say "I do"; kiss the bride; and help make it a warm, romantic, & memorable event for her.
If she is being "sane" now & you are the one with the problems, you need to work out or just get-over your problems & carry on. Perhaps engage yourself in a little self-directed Rational Emotive Therapy. (a psycho-babble way of saying taking a good logical rational look at yourself, consciously making an effort to modify your behavior, and growing up! Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but you asked.)
If you're gonna stick around, you need to provide her (& the kids) with that commitment - let her know that you are gonna take care of her, the kids, & things through thick or thin - for better or worse. Set a good example for your children of what a good, responsible, mature, emotionally healthy man should be. You should be steady as a rock for them. Be the leader in reducing all of this destructive drama in your relationship and your lives. I predict she'll love you for it. Consider it the best gift you can ever possibly give to her & your kids.
Like I said, I'm an old fashioned guy, but I believe it's a man's place in the relationship to take the lead (without trying to dominate her) in providing that security (financial & emotional) & letting her know you're gonna be there for her & the kids no matter what - even if you're unhappy with a few things once in a while or have a little "angst" here & there. That's the man's burden, women have their own burdens just as heavy.
1) counseling
2) follow-through on what you learn in counseling, and if it is "don't get married", then, well, don't get married. But give this project the time and attention it deserves.
Good luck to you Fed, I think you are growing into a fine man, because you are asking questions and considering consequences of your actions, possibly for the first time in your life. But a crucial part of that is owning up to your past failures and being responsible for mistakes--you are the reason you are a felon. And that is okay, but own up to it. Like others have said, stop blaming her for it.
Even the title says so much: 'girlfriend', why not 'Mother of my Children'?
-ERD50
From your earlier thread about not being able to find peace, fed, I think you're at a weird time in your emotional life (maybe a quarter/third life crisis). That could be affecting all your decisions right now. Agree with Martha and others about counseling--alone for now.
TheFed, you are a very brave guy to discuss this at a site where so many people are known to keep shotguns handy.
Whatever you decide, keep on posting here, you have some "family" here as well and we love you all the more for sharing.
P.S. there is some very good advise on this thread but it isn't counseling.
So maybe this conflict isn't really over whether or not to get married -- maybe this conflict is over whether or not you're equal partners in your relationship. Your comment about needing "control" also leads me to think this.
"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them---it was that promise." [FONT="] [/FONT]Thornton Wilder, THE SKIN OF OUR TEETH
Can you imagine your life without her? If so, how does it feel?
.....
My favorite marriage quote:
"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them---it was that promise." Thornton Wilder, THE SKIN OF OUR TEETH
Best comment of the thread IMHO - I've never heard quote & glad I did now.
Don't marry her.
Seems like everyone's a non-conformist these days.*im a very anti-establishment,anti-NORM person. its the NORM to get a 9-5job and work for a living. i didnt do that. its the NORM for people to get married in our situation. instead i see it as 1) a religious tradition that serves no purpose but to make one/both parties feel secure...remember that im not religious 2) a financial agreement
I didnt move one 4 years ago because she IS the woman I want to be with forever...but why do i have to be married to make that happen? I was ill every day without her...my mind body and soul ached. she IS the only one i want. but marriage doesn't seem necessary tome.
If you want relationship advice, I'm not the guy...
But I'd add 1% to REWahoo's number.
What this thread needs is a poll - can you add one after you start the thread?
I'd rather have a still drink and respect TheFed's clear statement that he started this thread to vent, not to receive advice.
Hey, maybe we're all just venting. I know a lot of people who vent by giving advice...