How to tell someone ...

[braumeister]

There is probably no good answer to this, but I'd like to ask you creative folks anyway.

We were at a reunion last weekend and an old friend who hasn't been around for a number of years showed up. He's still a nice guy and well liked, but we were kind of appalled at his combover. Made him look a bit ridiculous.

Several of us discussed it, but nobody was willing to simply tell him to lose it. We all felt strongly that he would be offended and hurt if we did.

Does anyone know a good diplomatic way to tell a person about such an easily remedied problem? We really don't want to hurt his feelings, but would love to see him make this change.

 

[Gumby]

Not even with the best of intentions would I mention it to him. Only a spouse or romantic partner could possibly get away with it, and even then it would have to be very delicately worded.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah.

If you have a problem with the way my hair looks, then it's your problem, not mine.

 

[W2R]

Not even with the best of intentions would I mention it to him. Only a spouse or romantic partner could possibly get away with it, and even then it would have to be very delicately worded.

+1000

Mentioning this would be a very hurtful thing to do, in most cases. Do you really want to hurt him? Then go ahead. Otherwise, consider how much it does or doesn't mean to you, to say something like that.

The question is, do you want to see him WITH the combover, or not see him at all? That's your only choice.

 

[Souschef]

Not even with the best of intentions would I mention it to him. Only a spouse or romantic partner could possibly get away with it, and even then it would have to be very delicately worded.

I had one and my now DW gently informed me to get rid of it. I did and told her I buried it in the backyard

 

[stepford]

A related anecdote: A pretty good friend started to go grey in his 50's and dyed his hair. It looked awful - not the brown of his youth, but more the orange of Ziggy Stardust era Bowie. I told him so. He never forgave me.

 

[ivinsfan]

Is this a trial balloon to start a forum Dear Abby column? Lets see. you saw a guy that you really like and haven't seen in some years. Hooray, he came this year so he's not dead, he's mobile and not suffering any noticeable problems. Except for that horrible combover. Then it becomes a group private discussion behind his back. Is there any diplomatic way to mention this to his face. That's a hard No.


Sincerely from this edition of Dear Ivinsfan.

 

[ERD50]

I wish someone did have a good answer, but none so far? There are times when a person really would be better off hearing the truth.

But then again, different people have different opinions. I recall my Mom commenting on someone, saying he or she should color their hair to get rid of the gray. IMO, in most cases the dye job looks far worse than the gray. I'm salt & pepper ( beard's mostly 'salt'), and I'm fine with it.

And the woman my Mom mentioned was late 30's early 40's and very gray. But, she was stunning, great figure, long and lean, made a pair of denim jeans look very nice, long gray hair, and I thought the gray hair looked great on her. Kind of like, I can have gray hair and I still look hot, not 'old', so there!

But I'd bet 99% would think the comb-over that OP saw was just not good. I dunno, maybe something subtle like "I was thinking about dying my hair, but I'm fine with how it looks naturally". Probably too subtle.

Of course, though my hair is turning gray, I still have almost all of it, so maybe I don't have a good perspective.

-ERD50

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Just because you and others don’t like it doesn’t mean he doesn’t.
This is a clear case of MYOB.

 

[latexman]

Does anyone know a good diplomatic way to tell a person about such an easily remedied problem? We really don't want to hurt his feelings, but would love to see him make this change.

The only person who could pull this off and get the desired outcome, is an old lover of your old friend, who is still hot! My $0.02.

 

[jollystomper]

Yeah.

If you have a problem with the way my hair looks, then it's your problem, not mine.

+1


This is not causing you a problem. Do not make it cause you a problem.

 

[Pellice]

This is not causing you a problem. Do not make it cause you a problem.

I am putting this statement in my little book of wise sayings!

 

[Calico]

Just because you and others don’t like it doesn’t mean he doesn’t.
This is a clear case of MYOB.

+100

 

[OldShooter]

I am putting this statement in my little book of wise sayings!

It's a version of "Don't wake the bear unnecessarily." Words to live by.

 

[W2R]

Also you cannot force people to do what you want them to do. This is a constant problem for those with a domineering streak. They just don't GET it. Anyway, none of us including braumeister is like that, so we just grin and bear it. We wait for the combover guy to ask what we think about it, or to just come to his senses on his own.

He's still the same guy inside, no matter what he does with his hair.

Just because you and others don’t like it doesn’t mean he doesn’t.
This is a clear case of MYOB.

OK, I think this one belongs in the book of great quotes.

 

[braumeister]

Well, at least it's good to know that the answer to my question is exactly what I thought it was.

We were afraid we were missing an opportunity for a helpful intervention, but apparently not.

Thanks, all.

 

[Amethyst]

This.

As we age, our hair often starts to look "strange," by the standards of younger days. That's just the way it is....

If you have a problem with the way my hair looks, then it's your problem, not mine.

 

[MarieIG]

Not even with the best of intentions would I mention it to him. Only a spouse or romantic partner could possibly get away with it, and even then it would have to be very delicately worded.

+1

 

[freedomatlast]

During the family reunion, there were probably many photo opportunities. Ask around and see who has a photo with this guy in it, maybe even one where the wind was blowing exaggerating the comb over effect. Send the picture(s) along with others to him as a keepsake of a memorable event. He might take a look at it and realize he he doesn't look like he thought. Sometimes people look at a picture and think, "Do I really look like that?" This way nobody has to say anything and risk offending him.

 

[Gumby]

During the family reunion, there were probably many photo opportunities. Ask around and see who has a photo with this guy in it, maybe even one where the wind was blowing exaggerating the comb over effect. Send the picture(s) along with others to him as a keepsake of a memorable event. He might take a look at it and realize he he doesn't look like he thought. Sometimes people look at a picture and think, "Do I really look like that?" This way nobody has to say anything and risk offending him.

A very clever idea.

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

But I'd bet 99% would think the comb-over that OP saw was just not good. I dunno, maybe something subtle like "I was thinking about dying my hair, but I'm fine with how it looks naturally". Probably too subtle.
-ERD50

In this case, if his response is along the lines of, "You should get a dye job. You look like an elderly opossum crawled onto your head and died there. Ten years ago." THEN, let him have it with (figuratively) both barrels!

-BB

 

[John Galt III]

There is probably no good answer to this, but I'd like to ask you creative folks anyway.

We were at a reunion last weekend and an old friend who hasn't been around for a number of years showed up. He's still a nice guy and well liked, but we were kind of appalled at his combover. Made him look a bit ridiculous.

Several of us discussed it, but nobody was willing to simply tell him to lose it. We all felt strongly that he would be offended and hurt if we did.

Does anyone know a good diplomatic way to tell a person about such an easily remedied problem? We really don't want to hurt his feelings, but would love to see him make this change.

Brau, did he have a full head of hair when you knew him before? It just could be that the combover looks better on him than whatever the other option is. Not every bald or balding guy looks good with the close-cropped look. Maybe he tried the shaved head, and the close-cropped look, etc. and finally landed on the combover. Touchy situation!

 

[Sojourner]

Here's a fairly "outside the box" suggestion. Sign up for a new, free email account somewhere and use a fake name. For example, you could create an account under the name of John Friend, and your email address would be jfriend@somefreeemailprovider.com (or whatever). Then send your combover friend an email from this account. Just say something like "I'm a friend of yours who met and talked with you at a recent reunion, and as your friend I wanted to let you know etc. etc. etc." This way, you're letting your friend know how silly he looks anonymously. He may or may not take it seriously, but at least you've delivered the message, and he can't hold it against you (or anyone else) personally.

There are many free, anonymous, disposable email services available. People use them all the time for various reasons, and they're perfect for this kind of thing. ProtonMail is a good one. https://proton.me/

 

[Aerides]

Since you haven't seen him for a few years, it's highly likely that, at some point in that period, someone closer to him has said something. And either he's decided he still likes it, or his spouse told him they do, and it's a choice he's decided to keep.

So, I would not say anything, or try any surreptitious tactic (which might then leave him with bad feelings about an otherwise enjoyable day).

I mean mullets are making a comeback, and nobody should think that's a good idea.

My sister is 3 years younger, and we look very similar overall, and both wear our hair "younger" - long, straight, blond. At some point in the coming years that might look silly, so we have an agreement to act as mirrors for one another. Once one of us sees in the other that this look is no longer working, age-wise, we'll say so.

We have a history together of being super honest about this sort of thing. Anyone else try it? Forget it, dead to me.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Here's a fairly "outside the box" suggestion. Sign up for a new, free email account somewhere and use a fake name. For example, you could create an account under the name of John Friend, and your email address would be jfriend@somefreeemailprovider.com (or whatever). Then send your combover friend an email from this account. Just say something like "I'm a friend of yours who met and talked with you at a recent reunion, and as your friend I wanted to let you know etc. etc. etc." This way, you're letting your friend know how silly he looks anonymously. He may or may not take it seriously, but at least you've delivered the message, and he can't hold it against you (or anyone else) personally.

There are many free, anonymous, disposable email services available. People use them all the time for various reasons, and they're perfect for this kind of thing. ProtonMail is a good one. https://proton.me/

How do you spell passive aggressive?