travelover
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I'd like to take an assertiveness class, but I'm kinda waiting for permission. 
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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robnplunder
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
+1. I had to close my office door so that my LOL isn't heard by others.
Originally Posted by REWahoo
Great text messages from parents to their kids: Funniest Texts Between Parents And Their Children Ever Sent. You'll Appreciate This!
Accidental Retiree
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+1. I had to close my office door so that my LOL isn't heard by others.
Originally Posted by REWahoo
Great text messages from parents to their kids: Funniest Texts Between Parents And Their Children Ever Sent. You'll Appreciate This!
I woke up in the wee hours, read on my phone, and tried ineffectively to stifle guffaws.
DH awoke and asked if we were having an earthquake.
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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- 221
You can retire to......
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to North Dakota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and
road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonde"..
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to North Dakota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and
road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonde"..
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
Bestwifeever
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brewer12345
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MRG
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Wow he' so tranquil, like hypnotized. I've seen land chickens hypnotized, but never a limb chicken. Do you just lay the head down and draw an X like land chicken?
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_hypnotism
MRG
NW-Bound
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- Jul 3, 2008
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Ummm.... I think the poor thing if not already dead has passed out from pain...
(...having his sensitive parts caught in the hanger).
(...having his sensitive parts caught in the hanger).
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
OK, I've held off posting this as long as I can:
That's nuts!
That's nuts!
robnplunder
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
OK, I've held off posting this as long as I can:
That's nuts!
That is what I thought! Poor thing.
Somewhere out of the picture, a bird is laughing ....
From Jerry Hunsinger
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .
With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "The Beavers.”
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .
With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "The Beavers.”
Last edited:
eytonxav
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Engineer Humor
Several of these are good, some not so much:
10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don?t Have A Sense Of Humor?
Several of these are good, some not so much:
10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don?t Have A Sense Of Humor?
Huston55
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Or, the alternate:
To the engineer, the glass is completely full; half with liquid, half with gas.
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
When I die....
When I die, I want to go just like Grandpa did in his sleep. Not like those screaming and yelling people in his car.
When I die, I want to go just like Grandpa did in his sleep. Not like those screaming and yelling people in his car.
memejipakid
Dryer sheet wannabe
I just returned from a rooftop wedding. Two antennas got married. The wedding was awful but the reception was great
NW-Bound
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- Jul 3, 2008
- Messages
- 35,712
The new CEO at a company decided to fire all the slackers that he found to set examples.
Making a round, he saw a guy in the lobby leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets. He walked up and asked "What the hell are you doing?".
The dude answered "Just waiting to get paid".
The CEO asked "How much do you make a week?"
Dude answered "$300".
The CEO said "Here's $1200. Go away, and don't let me see your face again".
As the guy left, the CEO turned around and asked "Does anybody know what this guy's supposed to do for us? Who did he work for?"
An employee reluctantly volunteered "He just delivered a pizza to us for lunch".
Making a round, he saw a guy in the lobby leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets. He walked up and asked "What the hell are you doing?".
The dude answered "Just waiting to get paid".
The CEO asked "How much do you make a week?"
Dude answered "$300".
The CEO said "Here's $1200. Go away, and don't let me see your face again".
As the guy left, the CEO turned around and asked "Does anybody know what this guy's supposed to do for us? Who did he work for?"
An employee reluctantly volunteered "He just delivered a pizza to us for lunch".
Last edited:
NW-Bound
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- Jul 3, 2008
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- 35,712
I set up an account over the Web. It said a password needed 8 characters, so I entered "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".
I went back to the supermarket to make a complaint. I said, ''This vinegar's got lumps in it''. The clerk said, "Those are pickled onions''.
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
I went to the corner shop, and bought 4 corners.
I looked for some camouflage jackets in a sports goods store, but couldn't find any.
I went back to the supermarket to make a complaint. I said, ''This vinegar's got lumps in it''. The clerk said, "Those are pickled onions''.
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
I went to the corner shop, and bought 4 corners.
I looked for some camouflage jackets in a sports goods store, but couldn't find any.
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jul 3, 2008
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- 35,712
Two friends stumbled out of a bar late at night. One told the other, "I want to show you the apartment I just moved in. It's just around the corner".
At the apartment, the visiting friend saw a big gong hung on the wall, with a hammer dangling besides it. He asked "What the heck is this?". The other guy said "It's a talking clock". The visitor was incredulous "What are you talking about?".
The other guy said, "Lemme show you". H picked up the hammer and hit the gong hard.
At the other side of the wall came a loud complaint: "Good lord! Have mercy! It's two in the morning."
At the apartment, the visiting friend saw a big gong hung on the wall, with a hammer dangling besides it. He asked "What the heck is this?". The other guy said "It's a talking clock". The visitor was incredulous "What are you talking about?".
The other guy said, "Lemme show you". H picked up the hammer and hit the gong hard.
At the other side of the wall came a loud complaint: "Good lord! Have mercy! It's two in the morning."
REWahoo
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give
News you really didn't need to know - a Maryland television news broadcast during an early morning report:
"The farmers in Annapolis Valley are pleased to announce that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is particularly good news because most of the farmers haven't had a good crap in years."
"The farmers in Annapolis Valley are pleased to announce that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is particularly good news because most of the farmers haven't had a good crap in years."
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jul 3, 2008
- Messages
- 35,712
A guy sitting at the bar counter turned to the woman sitting next to him and asked "Can I tell you a blonde joke?".
The woman said, flexing her bicep, "Don't you see that I am blonde? I lift weight everyday. And see my two friends to the other side of me? They are both blonde, and one is a kickboxer, and the other a karate instructor. Still want to tell a blonde joke?".
The man shrugged and said "No, I change my mind. I don't want to explain the joke three times".
The woman said, flexing her bicep, "Don't you see that I am blonde? I lift weight everyday. And see my two friends to the other side of me? They are both blonde, and one is a kickboxer, and the other a karate instructor. Still want to tell a blonde joke?".
The man shrugged and said "No, I change my mind. I don't want to explain the joke three times".
Nemo2
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- May 14, 2011
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- 8,368
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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