NW-Bound
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I dunno. Would he be any less of a lecher if he hit on an older woman?
As Nemo noted, he might as well go for a higher goal.
It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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I dunno. Would he be any less of a lecher if he hit on an older woman?
As Nemo noted, he might as well go for a higher goal.
ERD50
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I'd posit that, for almost any male, that would be more likely than hitting on women thirty years older.
Reminds me of what DW heard from a friend who got divorced in her late 40's. The friend complained that the men in their 50's on the dating sites all want to date women in their 30's.
I explained to DW that women just don't understand men. Those guys are actually looking to date women in their 20's, they just figure they have a better chance with women in their 30's! DW was not amused, but there is some truth (and biology) to it.
And now, far too serious for a joke thread, but this is such a sensitive topic these days - is there anything wrong with a guy "hitting" on any women (assume unmarried, and no other business/ethical conflicts)? As long as he politely respects a "no, go away", what's the problem? Can you really "fault a guy for trying"?
-ERD50
Nemo2
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If there isn't now, you can be assured that there are individuals/groups that are seeking/planning to ensure that it is not only wrong but illegal.
This is the funny joke thread. There are other, better forums for discussing current events.
And now, getting back on topic...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large black plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
--------------------------------------------
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large black plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
--------------------------------------------
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
MuirWannabe
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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What did the first mate find when he looked in the toilet?
The captains log.
The captains log.
Just_Steve
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
That was a shitty joke.
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Quite stercoraceous you say?
Just_Steve
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Yes indeed.
MuirWannabe
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NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- 35,712
A lady boarded a bus with nine children in tow. The bus driver looked at them, and saw that the nine children were three sets, each of three very similarly looking children.
Astonished, the bus driver asked the lady: "Are these three triplets?"
The lady replied: "Yes".
The bus driver: "And these are all yours?"
The lady said again: "Yes".
Even more impressed, the driver asked again: "Do you have triplets every time?"
The lady said "No. Most times, I have nothing at all."
Astonished, the bus driver asked the lady: "Are these three triplets?"
The lady replied: "Yes".
The bus driver: "And these are all yours?"
The lady said again: "Yes".
Even more impressed, the driver asked again: "Do you have triplets every time?"
The lady said "No. Most times, I have nothing at all."
Backpacker
Recycles dryer sheets
Bud and Bob were sitting in the bar talking about women.
Bud - "I got to tell you about the girl I met last night. I was walking along the railroad tracks and there was this girl tied to the tracks.
Bob - "just like in the movies?
Bud - " yeah, It was crazy. So I untied her and we went back to my place. I had the best sex I've ever had!"
Bob- " that's incredible, tell me about her, what did she look like?"
Bud- I guess average build, nice body."
Bob - " what color was her hair?"
Bud - " I dunno I never found her head."
Bud - "I got to tell you about the girl I met last night. I was walking along the railroad tracks and there was this girl tied to the tracks.
Bob - "just like in the movies?
Bud - " yeah, It was crazy. So I untied her and we went back to my place. I had the best sex I've ever had!"
Bob- " that's incredible, tell me about her, what did she look like?"
Bud- I guess average build, nice body."
Bob - " what color was her hair?"
Bud - " I dunno I never found her head."
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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From the crypt of the Church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resoubned for miles,
"My goodness, my gracious," said Father Ignatius,
"I forgot that the bishop has piles."
Came a scream that resoubned for miles,
"My goodness, my gracious," said Father Ignatius,
"I forgot that the bishop has piles."
A sixty-year old millionaire is getting married
and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet
moment, one of them asks him how did he
land such a hot twenty-three year old beauty.
"Well," grins the millionaire, "I lied about my
age. I told her I was eighty-seven!"
and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet
moment, one of them asks him how did he
land such a hot twenty-three year old beauty.
"Well," grins the millionaire, "I lied about my
age. I told her I was eighty-seven!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal it's throat
was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went the other
direction?"
The little girl replied "Then you ask him."
whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal it's throat
was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went the other
direction?"
The little girl replied "Then you ask him."
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Mar 6, 2003
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- 18,085
There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "Sex is one thing I do know.
Most women are fine, and sheep are divine,
But the llama is numero uno."
Who said, "Sex is one thing I do know.
Most women are fine, and sheep are divine,
But the llama is numero uno."
Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- May 14, 2011
- Messages
- 8,368
Stolen from elsewhere:
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.
'She replied,'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?
'Nay,' Jock replied, 'I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.
'She replied,'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?
'Nay,' Jock replied, 'I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
MissMolly
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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- Jun 9, 2010
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- 2,142
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO!!
Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen,
the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and
I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped
to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have
a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch
what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say.
Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen,
the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and
I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped
to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have
a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch
what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say.
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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- Mar 26, 2011
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- 221
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high....
She looked surprised.
She looked surprised.
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
A wife asked her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
sheldon cornped
Recycles dryer sheets
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- Mar 26, 2011
- Messages
- 221
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
Finally I understand why cars have these things …
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained..."
Then I realized, I’d just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes...
-------------------------
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
-----------------------
There was a Scottish painter named Gavin Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Gavin put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...
Well, Gavin was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking him clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Gavin was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, So he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
.
.
.
.
.
.
(wait for it...)
.
.
.
.
.
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Then I realized, I’d just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes...
-------------------------
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
-----------------------
There was a Scottish painter named Gavin Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Gavin put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...
Well, Gavin was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking him clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Gavin was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, So he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
.
.
.
.
.
.
(wait for it...)
.
.
.
.
.
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Have you seen conjunctivitis.com ?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
It’s a site for sore eyes.
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