It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

 

[two4theroad]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Tax system



Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all

ten comes to $100.



If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go

something like this:



The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would

pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth

would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest)

would pay $59.



So, that's what they decided to do.



The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the


arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.



"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce


the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just

$80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so

the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could

they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair

share?'



They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted


that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man

would each end up being paid to drink his beer.



So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's


bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the

amounts each should pay.



And so:



The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay

$5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12

(25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).



Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four

continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men

began to compare their savings.



"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He

pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar,


too. It's unfair that he got TEN times more than I!".

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back

when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!".

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get

anything at all. The system exploits the poor!".

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.



The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine

sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the

bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough

money between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how

our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the

most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for

being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they

might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat

friendlier.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

University of Georgia

 

[TromboneAl]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man and his dog are lost in the wilderness and run out of food. The man loves his dog, and could never eat it, but he's desparate, so he chops off the dog's tail, and makes a soup out of it. The dog is OK, and the man let's it lap up a little bit of the soup.

That's the basic concept of the tax refund.

 

[Khan]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Reliving the Navy experience

This is the way it was? Every time I start missing old "haze gray and
underway," I go through this list. Funny stuff and right on target. -
Author unknown.

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 10 inches of the ceiling, so you can't
turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, et cetera.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 AM, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6
AM while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission
to leave your house before 3 PM.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not "Now sweepers, sweepers,
man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty
all trash cans over the fantail."

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to
you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to
their battle stations "Now general quarters, general quarters, all
hands man your battle stations."

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an
hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until
they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At
the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button
your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout
"Man overboard port side." Rate your family members on how fast they
respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in
front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a
shoe box.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family
stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is
best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When a thunderstorm is in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,
sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make
sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: Bring your lawn mower into the living
room, and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot. Allow the pot to simmer 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to
the scummiest part of town. Find the most rundown trashiest bar.
Drink beer until you are hammered. Walk all the way home.

35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them
the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can
leave the house.

Sure do miss my time in the Navy

 

[donheff]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is one for St Pat's Day. Hope it isn't a repeat:

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

 

[TromboneAl]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

What's Irish and only comes out in the summer?

Patio Furniture.

 

[Khan]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Who's Irish and gets potted:

Phil O'Dendron.

 

[Elderdude]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

 

[TromboneAl]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Who's Hillary Clinton's least favorite Irishman?

Baraq O'bama.

 

[mickeyd]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is a modern version of the political satire, The Wizard of Oz:

Four ex-presidents are walking down the road in Kansas

Suddenly a twister picks them up and carries them to Oz.

After many days they finally get an audience with the Wizard.

Wizard: "Who seeks help from the powerful Wizard of Oz?"

First president speaks:

"Oh great wizard, my name is Jimmy Carter and people say I need courage because they think I'm a wimp."

The wizard thinks a moment and shoots out a spell and poof. Jimmy suddenly feels he has courage.

Wizard: "Who seeks help from the powerful Wizard of Oz?"

Second president speaks: "Oh great wizard, my name is Ronald Reagan and Nancy says I need a heart, because I was ruthless dealing with the Evil Empire."

The wizard thinks a moment and shoots out a spell and poof Ronald suddenly has a heart.

Third President speaks: "Hey big man, my name is Bush. People think I don't speak good, so I must need a brain."

The wizard thinks a moment and shoots out a spell and poof. George suddenly believes he has a brain.

Wizard: "Who seeks help from the powerful Wizard of Oz?"

Time goes by and silence ensues as the fourth president wanders around peaking behind curtains.

Wizard again: "I said, who seeks help from the powerful Oz?"

More time goes by and more silence ensues, as the fourth president still wanders around sneaking behind curtains.

Finally fed up, the wizard shouts: "Hey you over there, what the hell do you want?"

Then Bill Clinton says slyly, "Can Dorothy play with me?"



The Wizard of Oz, interpreted as modern politics

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

hilarious courtroom bloopers


Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
--------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
--------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
--------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
--------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
--------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
--------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
--------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
--------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
--------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
--------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
--------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
--------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
--------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
--------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
--------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
--------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
--------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
--------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
--------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
--------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
--------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
--------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
--------
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and
she did!
--------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
--------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
--------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
--------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
--------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
--------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
--------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
--------
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 

[two4theroad]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Think I'll be going to my veterinarian from now on.

 

[Maneiac]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost between $499 to $599 depending on size.

This is considered a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them !!

 

[My Dream]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The clerk asks, “What size?”

“Gee, I don't know,” the guy says.

“Go see Sophie in aisle 4,” the clerk says pointing to aisle 4.

The guy goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to the register to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!” The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

“What size?”

The kid embarrassedly says. “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells. “Clean up in aisle 4.

 

[scrinch]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!!"

 

[bbbamI]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A woman in a grocery store is putting her items on the counter. Her purchases include bread, milk, eggs, bacon and coffee.

She notices a guy behind her who is drunk.

The drunk looks at her and says "you must be single."

The woman says "yes", looks at her grocery items and thought it strange. She then asks "how on earth do you know I am single?"

The drunk replied, "because you're ugly!"

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

BOTTLE OF MERLOT.

A Texas gentleman(Roger) askeda waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman. It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miamiand a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[two4theroad]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Life Lesson #37: Never tick off a guy who owns a backhoe

 

[TromboneAl]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bob and Steve are out in the woods trying out Steve's new super-telescopic-site rifle. Steve happens to point it at a window in Bob's house...

Steve: "Hey, I can see your wife, and she's having sex with your neighbor!"
Bob: "What!?! Shoot them both. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates!"
Steve: "Hey, wow, I can do that in one shot!"

 

[Nords]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Life Lesson #37: Never tick off a guy who owns a backhoe

I thought this was the fantasy challenge of every guy who's ever owned (or wanted to own) a four-wheel drive pickup. I bet this is a GM commercial next Super Bowl.

A couple weeks ago we watched a guy take his 4WD pickup a little too far down the beach. Took him (and another 4WD helper) over two hours to get 100 feet in the correct direction.

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

another one for my posting average.

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."


The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

WHY I NEVER MADE IT TO THE TOP!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Eagle43]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ok, I try not to post too many jokes, but this one might make you smile.

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said, "Your pecker is bigger
than your brother's".