It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Marquette]

It'd be funnier if I wasn't living it...

A small, family owned company and a large corporation decided to have a
canoe race on the Missouri River.

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance
before the race.

On the big day, the family owned company won by an hour.

The large company, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made
up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend
appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the small company had 8 people rowing and 1
person steering, while the large company had 8 people steering and 1
person rowing.

So the large company management hired a consulting firm and paid them a
large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many
people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the family, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
"Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners, and free
pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes,
and other equipment, and extra vacation days for practices, as well as
bonuses.

The next year the family owned company won by two hours.
Humiliated, the large company management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's
racing team was outsourced to India.

 

[Purron]

Marquette, your post reminded me of this one:

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[wallygator69]

Charlie goes to Candy Mountain

Hey,

Better with a buzz, whatever your into...

Kinda freaky voices. Reminds me of Michael Jackson. Maybe that's why it's so funny...

YouTube - Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain

Enjoy

W

 

[jIMOh]

Retirement planning, financial planning and marriage planning

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

 

[bbbamI]

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell NO, they ain't. The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why in the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, replied the greeter. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

 

[Alan]

Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful complementary cream slice from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

 

[Alan]

British Weather

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury, and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as 'British Weather', To avoid offending a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'
In other words, partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

 

[Bestwifeever]

GOLF vs SEX

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure" and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

[mickeyd]

Poke @ Marriage by us guys...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

 

[TromboneAl]

Doctor: Mr. Perkins, you have to stop masturbating.
Mr. Perkins: Why?
Doctor: Because I need to examine you now.

 

[jIMOh]

> > A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
> > already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
> > He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
> > She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
> > He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
> > The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
> > smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
> > T he man smiled back to her and said once again, 'S-H-I-T.'
> > The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
> > 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
> > Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
> > The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday --
> > duuhhh!'

 

[jIMOh]

> >>>> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was
> having trouble with one of her
> >>>> students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
> what's your problem?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry answered, 'I'm too smart f or
> the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
> >>>> grade and I'm smarter than she is! I
> think I should be in the 3rd grade
> >>>> too!'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry
> to the principal's office.
> >>>>
> >>>> While Harry waited in the outer office,
> the teacher explained to the
> >>>> principal what the situation was. The
> principal told Ms. Brooks he would
> >>>> give the boy a test. If he failed to
> answer any of his questions he was to
> >>>> go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
> agreed
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry was brought in and the conditions
> were explained to him and he
> >>>> agreed to take the test.
> >>> >
> >>>> Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: '9.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: '36.'
> >>>>
> >>>> And so it went with every question the
> principal thought a 3rd grader
> >>>> should know.
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and
> tells her, 'I think Harry can go to
> >>>> the 3rd grade.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
> 'Let me ask him some questions.'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal and Harry both agreed.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks asks , 'What does a cow> have four of that I have only two of?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants
> that you have but I do not have?'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal wondered why would she ask
> such a question!
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a
> man steps into?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Pants.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends
> with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
> >>>> and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Coconut.'
> >>>>
> >>>> T he principal sat forward with his mouth
> hanging open.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and
> pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
> >>>> The principal's eyes opened really
> wide and before he could stop the
> >>>> answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
> gum.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do
> standing up, a woman does sitting down and
> >>>> a dog does on three legs?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Shake hands.'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal was trembling.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with
> an 'F' a nd ends in 'K' that means a
> >>>> lot of heat and excitement?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Firetruck.'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal breathed a sigh of relief
> and told the teacher, 'Put Harry
> >>>> in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
> questions wrong.....'

 

[bbbamI]

Considering Retirement Then think on these Places.

Where to Live After Retirement
It's All About Choices...

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because
you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your
butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and
never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to
what hits you in the face when you open your
oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot,
and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't
afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down
your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is,
you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone
to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about
how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery
Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people
in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper,
ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less
than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter,
almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the
same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy
Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop
your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on
his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still
have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the
mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting
to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to
'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition:
'Where's my coat at?' or 'Can I go with?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic
place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind --
even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent
dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere
in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by
headless people.


____________________________________________________________

 

[bbbamI]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue

 

[jIMOh]

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a shot of wiskey and tells the bartender to leave the bottle. The bar was really slow so the bartender strikes up a conversation. "So buddy, whats so wrong that you are hitting the drink so hard" the bartender says. "Well, you'll never belive this. My wife left me today. She said I was just to kinky for her." A minute or two later a woman a couple of stools over speaks up. "You know what. My husband just left me today too. He said I was too kinky." What a coincidence. They get to talking a bit and she invites him back to her place to get a little kinky. They go back and she tells him to make himself at home while she puts on something a little more comfortable. A few minutes later she comes out with all kinds of chains and leather gear on, only to find him putting on his coat. "I thought your wanted to get kinky" she said. "Listen lady, I already screwed your dog and crapped in your purse... I'm about done."

 

[jIMOh]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is...........





Always keep your condoms in your car

 

[honobob]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.







MAKE THIS ONE COUNT, GO FOR IT

 

[Alan]

Bear Country Warning

Be sure to read the whole notice

 

[Urchina]

Our current favorite:

Where was the cat when the lights went out?

My 3-year old answers: "In the dark!"
My DH answers: "On the counter."

As it turns out, both true.

 

[Bestwifeever]

(substitute your favorite sport/ethnic group)

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old man want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

[bbbamI]

pussums....

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Oh so its come to that, then?

Dont we need a "funny pictures friday"?

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Ya

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Or....

 

[bbbamI]

Oh yeah...I'll raise ya 3 more...