haha
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Sorry about this situation Dan, but it sounds like you have it coming along very well.
Good luck!
Ha
Good luck!
Ha
Moved FIL into Assisted Living
- Thread starter flyfishnevada
- Start date
I think if you have a durable power of attorney it covers every scenario if he is declared incompetent. We have a health POA and a durable POA on my father, and that is what several attorneys said to do.
You are SO not alone!
We moved my SO's mother into an senior independent living apartment in July (a week after I retired), a mile from our home. She had become debilitated, broken a couple of bones, the house was dirty, etc. She just couldn't manage even a small single-family home any more, and it was about a 40 minute drive from our home (same metro area).
Luckily we found a place she liked (and WE liked) and she was all for it. Now she's complaining - but in MUCH better health since they provide meals, and she's eating better and exercising more. We are starting to have to treat her as a 2 year old. She calls with minor dilemmas, isn't able to do something like unplug all the phones (there was a phone problem). The good news is it's a mile away. She is not demented, just needy and stubborn (2 year old special).
Meanwhile, as many of you mentioned, there was the stuff left at the house. OMG. We went through it for weeks. The 100 glass jars and the 25 plastic yogurt containers were only the tip of the immense iceberg of crap we found. Unfortunately she had overlooked some significant stuff (old tax returns...) so we really had to go through it.
Now it's on the market as a somewhat fixer-upper. It needs some updating - everything works, but it's not even close to looking good. I'm not talking granite countertops "good". I'm talking a bathtub that I would be reluctant to shower in. And a shower (different bathroom) that really is gross.
I guess we'll get bids on doing some basic fixups (new linoleum, replace the shower stall if possible), and put it back on the market in the spring. This is a bad time of year to try to sell a house, even at a good price.
And the special bit on all of this is that she thinks it's just perfect and needs no work at all. So we're not sure how we're going to get around that one, since she owns it and should pay for the repairs. She won't want us to pay if they are (in her opinion) unnecessary!
On my side - we're 1400 miles away. My brother moved in with my father (who just turned 90 and still drives) when my mother died. Dad's a hoarder and we're afraid the bills are getting lost but so far it's okay. His accountant would call to get him in to do taxes. But going through that house will be a gigantic nightmare. Then there's the driving. He hasn't hit anyone or anything but neither my brother nor I will go anywhere if Dad's driving the car. It's too scary.
Oh, and I treat my father like a 2 year old. Very patient as he loses control. He saves it for family - he is very socially appropriate with other people, but has no impulse control with us.
So I guess this is what we have to look forward to, all of us. What's scary is what my SO and I will do - we have no children to look after us.
All this has made me seriously start organizing and throwing out stuff, so that our house (my stuff, anyhow) is all organized and there aren't piles of paper everywhere. It will take years, but at least I have the energy to do it now!
We moved my SO's mother into an senior independent living apartment in July (a week after I retired), a mile from our home. She had become debilitated, broken a couple of bones, the house was dirty, etc. She just couldn't manage even a small single-family home any more, and it was about a 40 minute drive from our home (same metro area).
Luckily we found a place she liked (and WE liked) and she was all for it. Now she's complaining - but in MUCH better health since they provide meals, and she's eating better and exercising more. We are starting to have to treat her as a 2 year old. She calls with minor dilemmas, isn't able to do something like unplug all the phones (there was a phone problem). The good news is it's a mile away. She is not demented, just needy and stubborn (2 year old special).
Meanwhile, as many of you mentioned, there was the stuff left at the house. OMG. We went through it for weeks. The 100 glass jars and the 25 plastic yogurt containers were only the tip of the immense iceberg of crap we found. Unfortunately she had overlooked some significant stuff (old tax returns...) so we really had to go through it.
Now it's on the market as a somewhat fixer-upper. It needs some updating - everything works, but it's not even close to looking good. I'm not talking granite countertops "good". I'm talking a bathtub that I would be reluctant to shower in. And a shower (different bathroom) that really is gross.
I guess we'll get bids on doing some basic fixups (new linoleum, replace the shower stall if possible), and put it back on the market in the spring. This is a bad time of year to try to sell a house, even at a good price.
And the special bit on all of this is that she thinks it's just perfect and needs no work at all. So we're not sure how we're going to get around that one, since she owns it and should pay for the repairs. She won't want us to pay if they are (in her opinion) unnecessary!
On my side - we're 1400 miles away. My brother moved in with my father (who just turned 90 and still drives) when my mother died. Dad's a hoarder and we're afraid the bills are getting lost but so far it's okay. His accountant would call to get him in to do taxes. But going through that house will be a gigantic nightmare. Then there's the driving. He hasn't hit anyone or anything but neither my brother nor I will go anywhere if Dad's driving the car. It's too scary.
Oh, and I treat my father like a 2 year old. Very patient as he loses control. He saves it for family - he is very socially appropriate with other people, but has no impulse control with us.
So I guess this is what we have to look forward to, all of us. What's scary is what my SO and I will do - we have no children to look after us.
All this has made me seriously start organizing and throwing out stuff, so that our house (my stuff, anyhow) is all organized and there aren't piles of paper everywhere. It will take years, but at least I have the energy to do it now!
I also feel you. I retired on 7/15 and my DH retired on 10/15. On 10/31, my mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. She lives an hour away from us. Our job has become traveling to pick her up 5 days a week to go to radiation, Dr. appointments and Chemo. Not exactly the fun retirement we had planned.
Oncologist gave her a month and half if she did nothing and max of 15 months with radiation and chemo. I suspect she will end up in the hospital and then move to hospice at some point.
She has had two rounds of chemo and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks after the last one. She is not handling all of this very well. Constant complaining and criticizing every thing we do.
I am an only child so it all falls to me. Thank goodness I retired before this all happened.
Oncologist gave her a month and half if she did nothing and max of 15 months with radiation and chemo. I suspect she will end up in the hospital and then move to hospice at some point.
She has had two rounds of chemo and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks after the last one. She is not handling all of this very well. Constant complaining and criticizing every thing we do.
I am an only child so it all falls to me. Thank goodness I retired before this all happened.
Brat
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
IMHO she and you need to have a discussion with a gerontologist about the 'benefit' she is getting from the chemo. Rich... chime in here about their options in evaluating the quality of life given her diagnosis.. who should they see? Oncologists, IMHO, will treat aggressively even if the quality of life is diminished.
Maybe this is a reflection of my Dad's treatment for a brain tumor but....
Maybe this is a reflection of my Dad's treatment for a brain tumor but....
I second Brat's insight. We went though a similar journey for my 75 year old father who had pancreatic cancer. Medical community took him through an aggresive sugerical procedure that added maybe 3 months to his life. One month of that was spent in an ICU due in part to his former alcohol abuse.
Be sure you and your mom have a clear understanding of the tradeoffs and the "costs" associated with them.
Nwsteve
I've been involved in cancer patient advocacy work for 14+ years. I think most doctors tend to treat aggressively and not look at the overal quality of life issue.
For myself, I would really have to think long and hard before having chemo. It would very much depend on the anticipated outcome. For an elderly person, it may very well give her more time but also more side effects and lower quality of life.
When my mother had a massive stroke at 85 and they also found cancer pretty much everywhere, I would have been VERY much against anything but palliative care - if anyone had suggested it.
It's all terribly hard to deal with.
obgyn65
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Sorry to read this Dan.
I'm just sayin' that you might want to give yourself plenty of lead time with the first financial institution you encounter.
Thanks for the comments. They told her they can't cure her and that the treatment would give her more time. She is almost 77 and prior to this diagnosis was on no medication and very independent.
So to hear you would die in a month and a half if you took no treatment wasn't something she was prepared to acknowledge so she opted for treatment. I think she is still in denial about the type of cancer and prognosis. Of course her friends all tell her to fight because she could be one of the miracles that survive.
I think this will probably be her last Christmas and New Years. I don't know if she would have the courage to say stop all treatment. We did get the medical directive in place and DNR order.
Still taking it a day at a time.
Purron
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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I'm so sorry. I hope she can find some joy during this holiday season - the one that may be her last. Wishing you all the best during this difficult time.
Peace.
One SIL is a ray of hope in facing the reality. She just retired from nursing so must be aware of the realities. We'll be at her place on Christmas, so I'll talk to her about setting up a time soon to discuss options. Christmas would clearly be the wrong time - even I'm not that obtuse.
The BIL is a wuss married to Spendarina - no help there. Other SIL is near-psychotic and can barely take care of herself.
Ah, family! Ain't it grand!
OP
OP
flyfishnevada
Full time employment: Posting here.
We had this discussion on our way home a few days back. My FIL is in no shape to make such decisions and if you becomes ill (dementia not withstanding), how would we handle it. It's always a case by case and quality of life usually trumps quantity. I for one would err on the side of quality. For us, we agree that if my FIL had cancer, for instance, he is not in a good place to endure the treatment and letting him live out his remaining in peace seem better. Prolonging his life at the cost of the pain and agony of certain treatments when he barely knows who and where he is doesn't seem a kind thing to do.
Luckily, he was friends with the bank manager of his small local bank and she was even reconciling his check book for him as a friend. No questions asked, they saw his decline and were just glad that he is being taken care of. I wouldn't want to deal with a big faceless corporate bank on this. It's bad enough dealing with his SS. What a hassle that is turning out to be. They won't accept just the POA, they want letters from doctors, declarations, etc. and they want it in person. We aren't changing anything but his address!
Ditto. When dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, he asked my sister and me what he should do. We were all for agressive treatment, and going for the cure. He lived maybe 14 months and the treatment ruined his quality of life for those months. Never again will I chime in on anyone's choice of treatment except to tell this story. If you want treatment after hearing about dad's experience, you've been warned.
REWahoo
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I suppose every situation is different.
My brother was diagnosed with lung cancer at age 75. He did chemo and had a very rough time for 4-5 months but the cancer went into remission and he had 6-8 very good months before it returned. He refused further treatment and died 16 months after being diagnosed.
Did the chemo give him those 6-8 good months or simply make him miserable for 4-5 months of the time he had left? I don't know.
