Parenting opinion on birthday gift

[ugeauxgirl]

Our oldest son is about to be 17. He got into and then kicked out of a STEM high school for not completing his work. We sent him back to the local public high school where he again nearly failed thanks to coronavirus homeschooling mess. We sent him to a Catholic boarding school and he is doing fantastic. He now has a 3.8 GPA and made a 33 on his ACT.

He has requested a $1000 gaming laptop for his birthday. (He actually proposed a $2500 laptop, then $1500 and now we're down to $1000). My instinct is no. We have never given our kids extravagant birthday gifts. On the other hand, he's now going to school with kids whose parents drive Maseratis and it was our idea to put him there. My husband votes yes because, well, we can certainly afford it. 17 year old knows we can afford it- he overheard us talking a few years ago. This is the first really expensive thing he has ever asked for.

I told my husband we could give him a best buy gift card for half and he could earn the remainder himself?

Any input is appreciated. Thanks!

 

[braumeister]

We'd hate to see him pay less attention to schoolwork now that he's finally doing it right. How about a promise of a delayed birthday gift at the end of the school year so he can enjoy it over the summer?

 

[Koolau]

We'd hate to see him pay less attention to schoolwork now that he's finally doing it right. How about a promise of a delayed birthday gift at the end of the school year so he can enjoy it over the summer?

I'd only add to send him $100 NOW to piddle away as a reward for good work SO FAR. No reason to add "temptation" in the form of a major game system UNTIL he passes this years classes. Waiting will also help him learn the patience LIFE will require of him in the future.

This is a tough one, but I do think you have some options. YMMV

 

[latexman]

We gave each of our 5 kids a laptop if they were accepted and going to college. We got the laptop specifications off the college website, and got it after graduating HS. Gaming PC? Not on my dime. My advice, tell him to get a part-time job and buy it himself.

 

[Dtail]

I like your suggestion to your DH. Kind of a middle of the road suggestion.

 

[Aerides]

$1k for a gaming laptop isn't that great of a rig - would he also be using it for school? Or does he already have a school laptop?

I kinda have a soft spot for teens going thru all the covid impacts, so if you do lean to a yes, at least frame it with the condition of give back required if his grades slip.

 

[Ready]

If it were me (a 17 year old me that is) I would not tell my parents it’s a gaming laptop. I would just call it a laptop. Like the kind you use to do your homework on. Any laptop can play video games. This one might have a slightly higher end video card but otherwise it’s probably just a standard laptop. Why tell your parents you intend to use it for games? That’s just asking for trouble.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

If it were me (a 17 year old me that is) I would not tell my parents it’s a gaming laptop. I would just call it a laptop. Like the kind you use to do your homework on. Any laptop can play video games. This one might have a slightly higher end video card but otherwise it’s probably just a standard laptop. Why tell your parents you intend to use it for games? That’s just asking for trouble.

He didn't say it was a gaming laptop, but it was in the description. He said it didn't have enough memory to really be a gaming laptop. It sounds like more than he could possibly need for school, though.

 

[Ready]

He didn't say it was a gaming laptop, but it was in the description. He said it didn't have enough memory to really be a gaming laptop. It sounds like more than he could possibly need for school, though.

So maybe you could have a conversation with him on what he intends to you it for. A basic laptop is more than adequate for school work - web browsing, email, word processing, spreadsheets, etc. If he is picking a gaming laptop he may have other plans for it.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

https://www.bestbuy.com/site/asus-t...pse-grey-eclipse-grey/6448933.p?skuId=6448933

Here's the laptop he's requesting. Re what he's going to use it for, he has a chromebook which we intentionally chose because it's bad at video games. This would be better I'm sure, but not as good as the one he initially suggested. He did say he wanted to take computer programming next year...

 

[mountainsoft]

Our oldest son is about to be 17.
He has requested a $1000 gaming laptop for his birthday.

Yikes! My parents never bought me anything worth $1000 other than my first car.

I told my husband we could give him a best buy gift card for half and he could earn the remainder himself?

I'm not sure what classifies as a "gaming" laptop, but there are many models claiming to be gaming laptops for around $700 on Amazon. I would offer to buy something on the low end, then let your son decide whether he wants to pay additional himself to upgrade to a more powerful machine.

 

[Walt34]

He didn't say it was a gaming laptop, but it was in the description. He said it didn't have enough memory to really be a gaming laptop. It sounds like more than he could possibly need for school, though.

I have to agree with Ready, this is probably a pretty much standard laptop with maybe some extra RAM and a better-than-necessary-for-schoolwork video system. But a real gaming machine is well north of a mere $1,000.

I like the suggestion that he have to pay for a chunk of it himself so he'll have some skin in the game. AND the promise/threat that it goes away if his grades slip even a little bit.

When I was 15 my father gave me a car a couple of months before my 16th birthday. Sounds nice, but he paid $50 for the car and Walt had to install the manual transmission ($5) before I could drive it. (Things were cheaper in 1965 even at the junkyard.) But as you can guess I did not mistreat that car because I knew that I'd be the one doing the work to fix anything that broke. Granted a computer is different but you get the gist of it.

 

[Ready]

I would think a Chromebook is adequate for school work so I would just ask him what the Chromebook can’t do that is causing him to need a new laptop.

 

[JRon]

I agree with your husband. He has done what you wanted by getting his grades up and this could be a nice reward. He will be gaming no matter what as other kids have the systems and will want him to join them in playing. At 17 he needs to learn how to make good decisions and recently it sounds like he has done that.

 

[ivinsfan]

For posters suggesting he kick in 500 bucks,he's at a boarding school. If and when he does take computer programming and needs more horsepower then his chromebook I'd revisit the subject.


He's doing better now but based on past history I'd have no problem letting some more time pass.

 

[SnowballCamper]

He now has a 3.8 GPA and made a 33 on his ACT.

So He's obviously a smart kid. One option would be to get a slightly better than the $1,000 computer and lease it to him for continued academic performance.

That isn't really optimal... it doesn't reinforce intrinsic learning, but with a 33 on the ACT the previous academic shenanigans were obviously a motivation problem anyway. If it was my kid, I'd make it clear that it was my computer for his use contingent upon a specified GPA and/or any other behaviors that might need addressing. Good Luck!

 

[Amethyst]

I was just wondering how to make ownership contingent on not letting his grades slip from too much gaming. Gaming is such an important social bonding activity at that age, but it might be kinda hard to claw back a computer once he's got it in possession

Your suggestion is better than anything I thought of.

Yes, he's smart, but he's 17, so adolescent brain/fantasy-is-reality still going on. I was an A student, but if gaming had been around, it might well have gotten to me at that age. Only distraction I had was romance, .

So He's obviously a smart kid. One option would be to get a slightly better than the $1,000 computer and lease it to him for continued academic performance.

That isn't really optimal... it doesn't reinforce intrinsic learning, but with a 33 on the ACT the previous academic shenanigans were obviously a motivation problem anyway. If it was my kid, I'd make it clear that it was my computer for his use contingent upon a specified GPA and/or any other behaviors that might need addressing. Good Luck!

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

The more you give him the more you can take away.

If it were me, it would join my long list of things he may lose if he doesn't act right.

As opposed to other goodies, this is not an item that you can confiscate outright due to academic needs. But it can get some restrictions if necessary. I'd be making my plans in case they are needed.

Isn't this the child you previously wrote about that thinks his parents are a step behind him? I would be alert. If I am wrong disregard this part.

I used to give parenting seminar's in my working days. (yes, a male, imagine that). The ability to take goodies away is a powerful tool, and I taught parents how to go about it.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Yes, he does think we're dumb, but I hear most teenagers think that. I have tried explaining that intelligence is hereditary, but he just rolls his eyes.

As far as i can tell, there isn't anything wrong with the chromebook, so if the grades go down, we could give him the chromebook back.

 

[Koolau]

The more you give him the more you can take away.

If it were me, it would join my long list of things he may lose if he doesn't act right.

As opposed to other goodies, this is not an item that you can confiscate outright due to academic needs. But it can get some restrictions if necessary. I'd be making my plans in case they are needed.

Isn't this the child you previously wrote about that thinks his parents are a step behind him? I would be alert. If I am wrong disregard this part.

I used to give parenting seminar's in my working days. (yes, a male, imagine that). The ability to take goodies away is a powerful tool, and I taught parents how to go about it.

Heh, heh, I think I've told about the kids in the car (trips to grandma's, etc.). We handed each kid (aged maybe 9 to 13) a roll of dimes. Any "issues" from the peanut gallery cost a minimum of a dime ("he's touching me" - send forward a dime, both of you.) I think our record was 3 dimes forward on any one leg - important to make it by the leg to keep it "fair."

I don't think it would work in this era at less than a roll of quarters, but your point is well taken. LOSING something is worse than not GETTING something for most of us.

 

[Charlotte]

I would hesitate to spend $1k on a laptop for a 17 year old, unless you know that either it will be okay for whatever college / university he might attend, or you are okay with buying another one in another 15 months when it’s time to head off to college.

We bought our kids laptops direct from their university program, that way we knew it was approved, it has a warranty and repairs could be made on campus if needed, loaners are provided if needed, and it came pre-loaded and set up for the software needed. High end Windows laptop was $1700 and high end MacBook was right under $3000.

 

[jollystomper]

We have never given our kids extravagant birthday gifts. On the other hand, he's now going to school with kids whose parents drive Maseratis and it was our idea to put him there.

I do not this this should factor in your decision. This is how "keeping up with the Joneses" can start .

Now, $1000 today would have been $200 when I was 17. Since you can afford it, I do not think that is too much. $2500 no way, $1000 fine. I do agree with others that there should be a "you need to maintain your GPA to keep this" condition.

Also, do you intend to activate parental controls on the laptop? I would.

 

[HarveyS]

I have 2 kids, both in college today. They got new Apple computers for college. HS was an old hand-me-down Dell, which became a joke in a college essay. Call me old fashioned, but no HS student needs a $1000 (or $2500) toy, birthday or not. And, if you get him a $1000 birthday gift this year, what about next year??

 

[HarveyS]

We have never given our kids extravagant birthday gifts. On the other hand, he's now going to school with kids whose parents drive Maseratis and it was our idea to put him there.

Well, I think it was his idea to flunk out of the STEM school, and not do what was needed during home schooling. He clearly has what it takes if he applies himself based on his ACT. You did what you needed to do to make sure he exercised his full potential. Good for you! I would not reward his earlier bad judgement and lack of effort.

 

[MarieIG]

Our oldest son is about to be 17. He got into and then kicked out of a STEM high school for not completing his work. We sent him back to the local public high school where he again nearly failed thanks to coronavirus homeschooling mess. We sent him to a Catholic boarding school and he is doing fantastic. He now has a 3.8 GPA and made a 33 on his ACT.

He has requested a $1000 gaming laptop for his birthday. (He actually proposed a $2500 laptop, then $1500 and now we're down to $1000). My instinct is no. We have never given our kids extravagant birthday gifts. On the other hand, he's now going to school with kids whose parents drive Maseratis and it was our idea to put him there. My husband votes yes because, well, we can certainly afford it. 17 year old knows we can afford it- he overheard us talking a few years ago. This is the first really expensive thing he has ever asked for.

I told my husband we could give him a best buy gift card for half and he could earn the remainder himself?

Any input is appreciated. Thanks!

Good chance you give him that thing; he'll spend a massive amount of time playing on it; and his grades drop like a stone.

Frankly, when my kids were in school, I couldn't care less if the parents of other kids had lots of money. And I'd ditch the guilt for sending him to a school where he's finally doing well. (Yep, I did not care if my kids classmates came from wealthy families. Needless to say, I was not the popular parent. Way, way after the fact, there was some slight acknowledgement that I wasn't all bad; and just maybe I helped them develop values and succeed in certain areas.)

If he has a summer break, that would be a good time to revisit a 50/50 split on a laptop he can use for college.