Ticklish ring question

[SecondCor521]

^ Right. The thing that dawned on me during the course of this thread is that my Mom placed strings on me getting this ring. Those strings are also unspoken and ambiguous and undiscussable since she's gone now, which makes it harder.

@ivinsfan, thanks.

 

[CRLLS]

When DM and subsequently DF passed, DW got her engagement ring. The ring band itself was well worn and not enough was left to adjust to fit DW's fingers. In order for the family heirloom to be carried on, we had the mount with diamond (with 2 smaller diamonds, chips actually) cut free and attached to a much wider band. When DS was planning to get engaged, he asked if he could have the ring as her engagement ring. Of course we said YES! Afterwards, they decided the ring was not her, but they really wished to carry on the family history. Would we allow them to remove the diamond and have it remounted? Of course. It was theirs. We did ask that if they weren't going to use the band/mount, would they please return it? Which they did. I had another stone mounted where the diamond was originally and DW is very happy.

I know this is not an answer to the original question. I agree with what most everyone has posted. It would be a gift to your son who then gifts it to his betrothed. There is no backsies 1 step removed. One can hope that this will never become an issue and DS and DDIL will live happily ever after. In our case, if DS's marriage ends and if the engagement ring (diamond) is not returned, at least we still have some of the original in the family.

 

[pacergal]

Once you give/gift something, it is no longer yours.
If you loan something, you can request it back.

Have you asked DD if she would like it? that would be my first inclination. If she doesn't want a ring, could it be re made into a necklace, bracelet, earrings that DD might be more inclined to wear?
I took my moms ring into be re-tooled for myself. It is not DD style, so when she inherits it, I have already told her to do with it what she wants. Keep, re make, sell. What ever. It will belong to her at that point.

 

[athena53]

Another inherited ring story even though a little OT: I got two rings from Mom, one her engagement ring and one that had belonged to her great-aunt that she always wore with it. The engagement ring was a 1/4 ct diamond that had been reset since the original setting was well-worn. Great-Aunt's, likely over 100 years old, 1/3 ct diamond in a beautiful ornate yellow gold setting with embossed flowers. I had them reset in platinum, buying another 1/4 ct diamond to make it a 3-stone ring, but asked the jeweler to keep the settings intact if possible. I'd planned to use them for some colored stones but found that my sister wanted them. Perfect solution! She had them reset with diamonds.

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

^ Right. The thing that dawned on me during the course of this thread is that my Mom placed strings on me getting this ring. Those strings are also unspoken and ambiguous and undiscussable since she's gone now, which makes it harder.

@ivinsfan, thanks.

Sorry if I misunderstood, it sounds like you're torn by what you think is right and what you think your mother expected you to do. I would say it would be easier to live with contravening your mother's wishes than to not do it the way you think is right -- whether they are alive or not. But I hope that either way you can find peace with your choice.

 

[Brat]

Yet another inherited ring story. The diamond in my engagement ring was lost while harvesting a Christmas tree. When I told my mother she gave me her grandmother's wedding set. The stones are small, as a piece of jewelry it is not valuable. My great-great-grandparents came west in covered wagons as children and married in 1869. I wear it always as a reminder of challenges overcome by pioneer families.

As others have suggested keep that wedding set until you are confident that one of your children will treasure it as you have. Then pass it along.

I notice that many regard an engagement ring as a piece of jewelry, to me it is much more than that.

 

[Texas Proud]

I agree that it should be given with no strings...


BUT, I would also give a bit of the history of the ring, then if they split I would hope that the young lady would remember it was a 'family heirloom' and give it back...


OR, if they do break up you can ask to buy it back...


BTW, if they do not get married it is supposed to be given back... it is a gift in anticipation of marriage and marriage is required to complete the gift...

 

[SecondCor521]

@pacergal, I can't recall if I have or not. In my "specific bequest list" which is a thing under my state's estate laws, I have it going to DD18, so presumably I did at some point. They are not much of a jewelry wearer though.

I think at this point I'm in the camp of hang on to it to see how things develop with my offspring.

I hadn't mentioned it before, but this particular ring is not my Mom's engagement ring. It is a ring that my Dad had made for her when they had been married for about 25 years and included a nice emerald that he bought on a cruise or trip to Brazil.

For some reason, I'm totally fine with whatever my kids do with stuff that they inherit from me, or if I give them items that aren't engagement rings. Obviously I am still sore about my ex's behavior and that is coloring my view and decisions. It shouldn't but it does. I'll try to work on that.

@CosmicAvenger, thanks for the reply, and no worries. I think you articulated the dilemma well.

BTW, if they do not get married it is supposed to be given back... it is a gift in anticipation of marriage and marriage is required to complete the gift...

This is sort of the logic as to why I asked my ex to include our ring in our marital property when we got divorced. (@RobbieB)

 

[Teacher Terry]

I was given some jewelry including 2 rings that had been in my husband’s family. I divorced him after 22 years and happily returned the jewelry. Of course I kept my engagement and wedding rings which were bought for me. Many people won’t do the right thing.

 

[Texas Proud]

It might just be me but I would think that a wedding ring is included in the marital assets to be split... if she wants to keep it then you should get equal compensation somewhere else...



Being from Texas, a community property state, might be coloring my view...

 

[Gumby]

Aside from being able to sell it for the melt value, why would anyone want to keep a wedding ring after they have divorced?

 

[Nemo2]

why would anyone want to keep a wedding ring after they have divorced?

Serial killer trophies?

 

[Jerry1]

Aside from being able to sell it for the melt value, why would anyone want to keep a wedding ring after they have divorced?

I suspect you have no personal experience with divorce.

Watch War of the Roses. Great movie.

 

[calmloki]

My Mom's log house burned to the ground. Most everything inside was destroyed and not to be found after. In many ways a very easy solution to dilemmas like this one. Unexpected blessings.

 

[Gumby]

I suspect you have no personal experience with divorce.

Thankfully no; coming up on 37 years with the young wife. But if we ever did divorce, I'm sure I would just sell my ring to one of the gold buyer shops.

 

[ivinsfan]

My Mom's log house burned to the ground. Most everything inside was destroyed and not to be found after. In many ways a very easy solution to dilemmas like this one. Unexpected blessings.

Doesn't sound like a blessing..

Burned to the ground or family emotional baggage to deal with...decisions decisions

 

[Sue J]

No advice to the OP but I am one who was given an heirloom engagement ring. DH's grandmother gave him her engagement ring for me. The history is that the diamond was in another setting when DHs grandfather married his first wife. Tragically, she died soon after giving birth.

When he got engaged to DHs grandmother in 1925 they reused the center diamond in a new setting that she picked out. DH's grandmother offered me both settings and I loved the one that was her choice for her ring. This ring is an Edwardian style with a very thin, plain wedding band with flat sides that nests next to the ring. Grandmother was still wearing the wedding band until she died. We were able to find a similar flat sided plain wedding band for me.

Over the years this ring has had a few dings and a tiny side diamond fell out and had to be remounted. Also, I had the main diamond setting repronged a few years ago because things just wear down.

I cherish this ring because of it's genuine beauty and uniqueness but also because of the loving family history.

When our younger son was flying away to Beijing to marry his girlfriend he bought her an engagement ring and wedding band. But they had no plans for a ring for him. My Dad had died the year before and my sister had my Dad's plain gold wedding band. We both agreed that if my son would like to have that for his wedding band we would be thrilled to give it to him. Yes, he wanted it!

Good feelings all around for those of us with inherited engagement rings and wedding bands.

 

[SecondCor521]

^ Thanks, Sue J.

That's sort of the story that my Mom, I'm sure, had in mind for me, and I would have in mind for the ring, wherever it ends up. My older sister, for example, is wearing our paternal grandmother's ring. My sister has my parent's crystal glassware. Etc.

I just can't guarantee it, and my personality is one of liking to guarantee things and getting a bit sideways when or if I can't.

Ah, well, there's my favorite philosopher, Mick Jagger, to listen to:

 

[meleana]

I gave my mothers to my 26 year old niece/ godchild as a Christmas gift and she had it resized and refurbished and it looks awesome. She wears it now. She’s single.

My only child is 32, a male and unmarried and no girlfriend currently.

I would give it as a gift to whom you want to and let it end there. A gift is a gift. You don’t ask for gifts back.

 

[piccolopat]

Why not have the diamonds and emerald mounted in a ring for you to wear? Then you can designate who gets it in your will and they can choose to wear it or remount it at that time.

 

[SecondCor521]

Why not have the diamonds and emerald mounted in a ring for you to wear? Then you can designate who gets it in your will and they can choose to wear it or remount it at that time.

Partly because I don't wear jewelry.

Partly because of the implied strings my Mom attached, which, see above, I've figured out isn't healthy and I'm working through.

Good thought, though. Might work for someone else in a similar situation.

 

[Ctarborist]

Not ticklish at all. Stay out of it.

 

[SpinDoctorTX]

Is he thinking of using it as an engagement ring? One practical consideration is that emeralds are pretty delicate and can chip or break. I love jewelry but wouldn't want an emerald in a ring I was going to wear every day.

I have an emerald in my engagement ring, and it has lasted longer than any of my other stones (I am super clumsy and have cracked onyx, opals, aquamarines, etc...). It came with a small flaw in the stone, which I thought made it perfect for my second marriage & DH's 4th- back in 2002- there is no such thing as a perfect marriage IMO. I also don't support the diamond industry and had an aquamarine in my first engagement ring. DH thought he'd won the marital jackpot as he'd always had to spring for some ridiculously costly engagement rings for wife #s 1-3. It I ever beat the stone up for the last time, I can replace the emerald at a fairly low cost- as low as fifty bucks!

Since I buy from local sources usually, to keep the $ in our local economy, I would be supporting my fellow local jewelry and gem shops. The quality is usually better. I would probably pay around 150-200. I just found this one on AMZ- https://smile.amazon.com/0-78-0-98-...955011&rnid=2470954011&rps=1&s=apparel&sr=1-4

 

[ivinsfan]

Partly because I don't wear jewelry.

Partly because of the implied strings my Mom attached, which, see above, I've figured out isn't healthy and I'm working through.

Good thought, though. Might work for someone else in a similar situation.

Obviously I don't know the details, is it possible your Mom was just trying to split items between her children and just thought I'll give this SecondCor in case he gets a new lady in his life. Then if you didn't do that, it could always go to your only DD. Mom might had thought just saying give it to DG might make the other GKs wonder why they got nothing?

Families just about always come with strings of some type, but not all strings are bad..

 

[Souschef]

We solved the ring question in a creative way. We were both widowed, and had jewelry give to us by our late spouses.
DW contributed her engagement ring, and I contributed my heavy gold bracelet.
The result was a beautiful pendant. Engraved on the back was "Prov 32:10"
"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies"


We saw a similar pendant on Kauai, but it had a 1/4 carat diamond. DW's pendant stone is 2.5 carats