Top five regrets of the dying

[FreeAtLast]

Great list! I wish I saw it about 30 years ago. I am sure guilty of working far too much.

 

[jimnjana]

My dear FIL passed away earlier this year at the age of 87. His biggest regret? Drinking beer/getting drunk on Okinawa during WWII. I think that was the only time in his life that he strayed from his Baptist beliefs. It only took a War and flying a dozen or so combat missions plus a little peer pressure from his Marine buddies.

 

[columbus]

Good post, im working a lot now at age 31 but just had a child and hope to be around more as he gets older. I need to remember to not work so much but still build a nestegg

 

[Nords]

This list doesn't do much for me. I'd much prefer a list of those top five items that provided the greatest satisfaction, gratification, bliss, happiness, contentment, etc.

An example would be raising children and the experiences that it provides.
I don't know the answers because I'm not on my deathbed. If someone asked me the regrets question while I was on my deathbed I'd tell them to get the hell away from me. My regret would be them asking me the question. I'd much prefer to reflect back on why my life was such a positive experience.
I think that there is more to be gained by learning what people succeeded at rather than what they failed at.

Wow. I don't know what this thread did to annoy you, but maybe you'd be better off starting a thread about "top five successes of the dying". I'm pretty sure that's a book opportunity all its own, too.

(or, then again, too few to mention, heh, heh).

I think the deathbed regrets are mainly of the variety "... and it's too late for me to do anything about it". Any other time, if we had those regrets then we'd either rectify the situation or dismiss the thought.

BTW your Sinatra reference might be too obscure for the younger crowd!

My daughter and I were at a taekwondo clinic a few years ago. As we stood around in our gear waiting for the sparring to start, the instructor put on that song from Frank's "Greatest Hits" CD for inspiration. I was already laughing and enjoying the music when my daughter said "Who's that singer?" As I laughed even harder, one of her (older) black-belt women friends named C.J. came over and said "You know that's Frank Sinatra, right?" My daughter said "Frank who? Oh, is he one of those 'oldies' guys?"

C.J. laid my daughter on the floor with one punch.

My dear FIL passed away earlier this year at the age of 87. His biggest regret? Drinking beer/getting drunk on Okinawa during WWII. I think that was the only time in his life that he strayed from his Baptist beliefs. It only took a War and flying a dozen or so combat missions plus a little peer pressure from his Marine buddies.

If that's the biggest problem he encountered on WWII Okinawa then I'd suggest that his regrets also fall into the category of "too few to mention"...

 

[Mulligan]

Wow. I don't know what this thread did to annoy you, but maybe you'd be better off starting a thread about "top five successes of the dying". I'm pretty sure that's a book opportunity all its own, too.

I think the deathbed regrets are mainly of the variety "... and it's too late for me to do anything about it". Any other time, if we had those regrets then we'd either rectify the situation or dismiss the thought.

BTW your Sinatra reference might be too obscure for the younger crowd!

My daughter and I were at a taekwondo clinic a few years ago. As we stood around in our gear waiting for the sparring to start, the instructor put on that song from Frank's "Greatest Hits" CD for inspiration. I was already laughing and enjoying the music when my daughter said "Who's that singer?" As I laughed even harder, one of her (older) black-belt women friends named C.J. came over and said "You know that's Frank Sinatra, right?" My daughter said "Frank who? Oh, is he one of those 'oldies' guys?"

C.J. laid my daughter on the floor with one punch.

If that's the biggest problem he encountered on WWII Okinawa then I'd suggest that his regrets also fall into the category of "too few to mention"...

Nords, I caught the "My Way", but its funny I never knew that was Sinatras signature song until much later in life. Growing up I listened to alot of Paul Anka ( who wrote it of course) and Elvis. I thought in my early teen years that was their song as those were the only versions I heard, not Sinatra's.

 

[NW-Bound]

Let's take a quick detour here.

"My Way" has been one of my favorite songs for many years, and I heard it from Sinatra first, before I knew that Paul Anka wrote the lyrics for it.

But this was originally a French song, and the English lyrics from Anka bore no resemblance to the original 1967 French song, "Comme d'habitude". A presentation by the song writer, Claude François, follows. This was a love song, or rather about lack of it.

A first few lines of translation follow. For the rest, the curious may find it here.

Comme d'habitude / As Usual


Je me lève / I rise up
Et je te bouscule / And I bump into you
Tu ne te réveilles pas / You do not wake up
Comme d'habitude / As usual

Sur toi / Over you
Je remonte le drap / I pull up the sheet
J'ai peur que tu aies froid / I am afraid that you are cold
Comme d'habitude / As usual

Ma main / My hand
Caresse tes cheveux / Strokes you hair
Presque malgré moi / Almost unwillingly
Comme d'habitude / As usual

Mais toi / But you
Tu me tournes le dos / You turn your back on me
Comme d'habitude / As usual

 

[Koolau]

My dear FIL passed away earlier this year at the age of 87. His biggest regret? Drinking beer/getting drunk on Okinawa during WWII. I think that was the only time in his life that he strayed from his Baptist beliefs. It only took a War and flying a dozen or so combat missions plus a little peer pressure from his Marine buddies.

Well, there's the old saying about "I've spent my time in hell." I celebrate with you that he lived such a long life and had such an obvious True North to steer by.

 

[Dreamer]

I spent quite a bit of time last night reading the Inspiration and Chai blog that you linked to above. I really like the way she thinks. Thanks so much for posting it.

 

[Nords]

Nords, I caught the "My Way", but its funny I never knew that was Sinatras signature song until much later in life. Growing up I listened to alot of Paul Anka ( who wrote it of course) and Elvis. I thought in my early teen years that was their song as those were the only versions I heard, not Sinatra's.

When I was growing up, rock&roll was not played in my house. Barely even the Beatles, and then only their "pop" songs.

When I got to college and heard "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", I mentioned to my roommate that it sounded like a great song and asked who performed it. He was speechless.

My blissful ignorance was quickly rectified over the next four years...

I think my daughter's teen insouciance just made C.J. (who's all of 20-something) feel old & grumpy.

 

[NW-Bound]

I don't think I have anything to regret, if I were to die soon, other than I should not be dying at my age, though plenty of unfortunate people have had much less time than I have had.

But I can see a moribund person regretting being mean to someone, or having cheated a spouse, or having done some terrible deed.

I don't see that one would regret not having seen Niagara Falls, or the Eiffel Tower, or being to Tahiti. Well, that would not be good, because the world is vast and how can one ever seen them all.

I don't see that one would be regretful that he should have experienced something, like having owned a fancy car, a plane, a luxurious RV, or a yacht. Life should be about more than that!

So, other than relationships with others, or how one has conducted oneself, what can one regret about?

There was this song that I liked in my late teen years. It was first translated from a 1961 French song by Jacques Brel and sung by the Kingston Trio, but only became successful in 1974 with Terry Jacks.

 

[Wendy]

I don't think I have anything to regret, if I were to die soon, other than I should not be dying at my age, though plenty of unfortunate people have had much less time than I have had.

Maybe the dying people who expressed regrets only represented a total subset of all the patients this nurse saw (although she does say "all male patients" regretted working too hard). Maybe her patients were more like me -- I often ruminate over regrets and "what ifs"-- and the happier ones are like you and my DH, who thinks regrets are a waste of time (which is true, I'm sure).

Merely reading this forum with all the threads on the downfall of SS, the growing costs of medical care, need for LTC, etc, is enough to set me off on a worry-fest. Sometimes it's hard to find the right balance.

 

[Wendy]

The conventional wisdom seems to be 70% of current projected benefits, though I am sure there are other estimates. ... Health care is in more trouble than Soc Sec.

We're in our mid-50's and I've included SS in our income at 75% of the projected benefit and 100% taxable. I guess I'll drop that to 70%. And growing my current medical expenses at 8% per year leads to an unsustainable number down the line, but I'm leaving it in for now because I prefer to use the most conservative estimates.

It's increasing clear to me that retirement planning (like life itself) is fraught with risk and uncertainty. I'm trying to prepare as best I can, and then get out of my own way (see #5 in the OP's list).

 

[Bestwifeever]

Are people on their deathbeds saying they wish they had spent more time worrying about how the Social Security program is administered? I was enjoying the thoughtful responses here to the OP--probably there is another thread about Social Security on this forum

 

[Redbugdave]

Yes, I think they got switched from that thread to this...

http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f28/social-security-when-to-start-benefits-49142.html

But, I guess we can talk about SS on our death beds...Hmmm after thinking some more...maybe not.

 

[Nuiloa]

I would love to hear a few anecdotes of what exactly people meant by their dreams. The knee-jerk thought is that they chose the safe career over a risky venture, but maybe people have more unique dreams that we don't know about? .

I grew up in a mid-sized town that I hated - if you weren't into winter sports or hunting, you got to sit and watch TV or go bowling. I just wanted out of there - that was pretty much the extent of my dreams.

I enrolled in a pre-med program at a very well known university, but it didn't take long before I figured out that I wasn't cut out to be a doctor. I didn't know what else to do, but I knew I wanted something. I went back home, met a guy and was well on the road to the whole marriage, family, clerical job thing but I was very unhappy. Nothing felt right.

Then I went to Club Med in Guadeloupe for 2 weeks. It felt like home. Better still - they offered me a job. When I got home, though, reality set in: I'd be giving up my fiance, my new car, my job (where I'd just been promoted) and, in short, my security. I was going to give up the return ticket when my boss told me that if I didn't take the job, she was going to fire me!!! She said that there was nothing worse that getting to the age of 40 and wondering "what if". And if I gave up the opportunity, then that made me stupid and she didn't want stupid people working for her!

So I quit the job, sold the car and told my fiance that I was going to Guadeloupe. Eventually I transferred to Mexico (where I got really sick). After that, I spent some time in Haiti and Tahiti. I travelled all over the Caribbean and loved every minute of it. Eventually, I gave up wandering and put roots down in Vancouver - life is exciting, I've done lots of weird and wonderful things, travel a lot, and now I've bought an RV and am planning the next phase of my gypsy lifestyle.

All thanks to a boss who wouldn't let me settle for "what if"... I hope the angels smile on her

 

[Redbugdave]

That's a great story Nuiloa!

I will be retiring in less than 2 years, and I feel that I will be given a second chance at life. I don't think many people get that chance, (except many of us on these forums that plan ahead). Looking back, some things I would have done different but I made the best decisions at that time. Life only gets better.

 

[packrat44]

3. I had the courage to express my feelings.
.[/QUOTE]


I have not had a problem with this one for many years. However, my DW has had problems with me for not refraining from expressing my feelings.

 

[scrabbler1]

Looking back, some things I would have done different but I made the best decisions at that time. Life only gets better.

+1.

 

[eridanus]

All thanks to a boss who wouldn't let me settle for "what if"... I hope the angels smile on her

What wisdom that boss showed. A touching remembrance.

 

[NW-Bound]

Talk about regret of working too hard, I was guilty of that, but am not anymore.

I never neglected my children when they were growing up, but I could have spent more time with them. My wife also had to work long hours as a manager at her megacorp, and with my more flexible hours, I was usually the one who left work in the middle of the day to go see a school play, or some school activities. My wife eventually walked off her job, when she could no longer stand the pressure. Same as my long hours with my business ventures, all that hard work she put in at her megacorp was for naught.

Still, my children turned out OK, and we still have money to ER. Yes, financially, things could have been better, but since when is that not true? And had the business venture been successful, I would still be committed, and would not be sitting home planning my RV summer trip now.

...the happier ones are like you and my DH, who thinks regrets are a waste of time (which is true, I'm sure)...

Actually, I am not the always happy and optimistic type. If anything, I tend to be pessimistic, and worry a lot. But it is because of the worries that I might regret something that make me act cautiously. And so far, I have not done any bad deed to anyone that should cause me to regret anything.

It is all about how I treat other people, or how I react to others. Mistakes involving money or career decisions, I have made plenty, but none has bankrupted me, so what is there to regret about?

...life is exciting, I've done lots of weird and wonderful things, travel a lot, and now I've bought an RV and am planning the next phase of my gypsy lifestyle.

All thanks to a boss who wouldn't let me settle for "what if"... I hope the angels smile on her

What a great boss! And cheers to your upcoming RV phase of life!

 

[Orchidflower]

I can't even relate to that list--except for the wish that they had stayed in touch with old friends. I have time now and wish to heck I knew where some of the wonderful people I knew in my past were now.

 

[NW-Bound]

Have you tried Intelius dot com?

I had a friend since middle school, that I lost contact with about 15 years ago. Looked him up, and found several with his name. However, by narrowing down to his state of residence and his wife's name, I got him!

 

[Orchidflower]

When I was taking care of my mother when she was dying I looked up all the old friends I could. Found all the guys but didn't find hardly any of the gals. Women change their names. Makes it really hard to dig them up with Intelius or Zabasearch.
I did dig up a couple, tho, as we reunited which was so fun! I got to see one even a few times, and we email every so often still--very neat! She was one of my two best friends in Jr. Hi and still so much the same person. Isn't it a blast to see an old friend after so many years and see how they changed or not changed?

I like Zabasearch.com alot more. Try it yourself and you will see why.

 

[NW-Bound]

I remember trying both. Just now, try them again, and the info that Zabasearch now presents does not look like it used to!

I was not thinking about women changing their name when remarried. That made it nearly impossible.

 

[freebird5825]

My copy and paste in bold italics and comments in plain font...

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I did exactly what I wanted despite the interference of other humans.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I am very proud of my efforts and the results.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Never an issue once I turned 14 and had to grow up real fast when my parents divorced. I tell it like it is. Not always popular for that, but oh well.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
This became an issue when my husband passed over 7 years ago. I found that despite my best efforts to remain social and carry on, my "couples" friends started distancing themselves. Their loss.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Still w*rking on this one...I find myself surrounded by chronic negativity in [-]this[/-] my local community. I have learned to filter it out. Overall I am a happy person.

ALL FIXED!