When a Sick Friend Drags You Down?

[W2R]

It doesn't sound to me like you actually like him. That's OK - - none of us have to like every single person in the world.

If you don't like him, then I would suggest not spending time with him.

If you do like him, then you'll want to put some hard effort and personal sacrifice into helping him cope with the tremendous challenges he faces.

 

[Midpack]

It doesn't sound to me like you actually like him. That's OK - - none of us have to like every single person in the world.

If you don't like him, then I would suggest not spending time with him.

If you do like him, then you'll want to put some hard effort and personal sacrifice into helping him cope with the tremendous challenges he faces.

Is it ever that black and white, like or not like? I’d say my relationships with others have been all across the ‘like continuum’ my entire life, and that’s not unusual. He’s not my best friend, never was, but he’s a reliable golf foursome partner who contributes his fair share to the group. [It occurred to me some readers may not realize golf is usually groups of 4, so there are always 3 others playing each round] Now he has Parkinson’s and he’s not handling it well, that’s understandable to a degree. Who knows, maybe he’ll come to grips with it, time will tell.

 

[RunningBum]

A neighbor of mine was having some issues that affected his golf, so he'd just drop his ball 50 yards or so from the green and finish the hole with everyone. Ask him if he wants to do that, unless this is a competitive group and this would affect the score too much.

Another option is to suggest he join the group for the 19th hole, drinks after the round. Maybe he wants to be part of the group and feels he won't be welcome if he doesn't golf.

 

[Samething]

I participated in a Ryder Cup format competition last year with a group that had been doing it for years. I played pretty well the first 2 days and our team was a few points down heading into the singles pairings. I was told that my opponent for the final day was very good so I was looking forward to a good match. A few holes in it was apparent that he had some kind of issue. I don’t know if it was Parkinson’s but he couldn’t hole short putts due to his shaky hands. It was not the yips but obviously a medical issue. I could tell he was once a very good player.
I couldn’t win that way. I started giving him any putt within 4 feet. I lost the game which was not fun. I’m sure most of my teammates would understand. Thankfully it was not the deciding factor in our loss. It did kind of sour me on that particular tournament. Don’t think I’ll be attending this year.

 

[Koolau]

Consider changing your social time together from golf to lunch out or some activity that your friend is into. Officially disband the golf group for some reason (reform later) and spend a bit less time with your friend each time you get together. Symptoms often accelerate and the situation may be moot soon.

 

[JoeWras]

Sorry to hear this story.

I am blessed to have the opposite experience. A good friend has a rare leukemia that may or may not be treatable. He has to try the treatment to find out. He calls me up to cheer me up.

He is an incredible inspiration, and I hope to take his example with me as I continue down my life journey.

I would love to share more about this incredible person, but... Privacy... Internet... Etc.

 

[Northforker]

Walking is one of the best therapies for Parkinson's people. Aerobics are also very good. Probably good for all seniors too. Maybe offer to team up with your friend as a walking/workout/gym mate. Many people would exercise more if they had someone to share the time and pain!

 

[marko]

Sorry to hear this story.

I am blessed to have the opposite experience. A good friend has a rare leukemia that may or may not be treatable. He has to try the treatment to find out. He calls me up to cheer me up.

He is an incredible inspiration, and I hope to take his example with me as I continue down my life journey.

I would love to share more about this incredible person, but... Privacy... Internet... Etc.

+1. This is what a true friend would do. Don't hate me for this but IMHO, I think you folks here are way too understanding of Debbie Downer, particularly if he's not in the "best friend" category.

A "Best Friend" who was there for your own ups and downs of life? Sure. Absolutely. Bring it. A more or less "acquaintance"? Just so that nobody's feelings are hurt? Sorry.

I've got 20 years at best...just don't have the time for anyone who throws cold water on an otherwise sunny day.

 

[PointBreeze]

Parkinson’s symptoms are the result of much lower levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain than normal. Low dopamine causes depression and anxiety, in addition to a slew of other symptoms. It may very well be that your friend physically cannot be more positive at this time.

My best friend was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s and she is crippled by depression and anxiety. She is now working with a psychiatrist to get some meds to help.

 

[GenXguy]

Well, that's great that he's still motivated to stay involved rather than just stay home, which I would expect if he was feeling depression. So, give him positive reinforcement.

 

[Midpack]

OP Update. Last Wednesday he quit after 9 holes (of 18) and told us he was ‘taking a few weeks off golf.’ Sad. We’ll see…

 

[marko]

OP Update. Last Wednesday he quit after 9 holes (of 18) and told us he was ‘taking a few weeks off golf.’ Sad. We’ll see…

Sad, yes. But may be good for your own mental well-being.

 

[Koolau]

OP Update. Last Wednesday he quit after 9 holes (of 18) and told us he was ‘taking a few weeks off golf.’ Sad. We’ll see…

Kinda good to hear this. Self-recognition of issues is the best way to find out. I hope things go well for him.

 

[folly]

Fear and drugs do strange things.

I got hurt last May. Doctors gave me steroids shots, muscle relaxers, hydrocodone and my mind freaked out. The fear, anxiety and pain were overwhelming. I wanted to crawl away and go to sleep. I quit taking the hydrocodone and muscle relaxer and within 3 days felt better. The steroid shots, who knows! Those drugs made me so fearful of life that I could not be around anyone. I don't feel I can even explain it now. I am sure I was terrible to be around. I needed to be with the group of friends but I was so negative and in pain. It was all the fear and anxiety. I started thinking about a friend whose spouse had committed suicide after taking pain meds, and I think I understood why he did it. I think you need to support this guy. Nothing much needs to be said, it will make it worse for him. Maybe a few third party stories about your brother-in-law bitching so much will make him calm down. I quit taking the meds and about 6 months later had a DNA drug test and found that I most likely should not take pain meds or antidepressants. My situation may have been mostly due to the drugs but it left a lasting effect. I don't want to know if I am sick and it is hard to be around others who are struggling. We all have to learn to be there but not own it. Nothing you can do to make his situation better. Look within yourself to find a way. It could be you.

 

[Koolau]

^^^^^^

DW got depressed taking opioids following knee surgery. Her room mates in the ward told her to take half the pill (half the dose) and that was all it took. Her pain was still controlled and the depression went away. Opioids are powerful drugs.

 

[nhcycling]

It’s okay to be direct and tell him
to stop his moaning and groaning. You’re there to have fun, play golf with good friends. You can’t imagine what he’s going through and gently suggest if he needs to talk about his feelings to find a therapist to talk to about it.

 

[ER Eddie]

Parkinson's and depression often go hand-in-hand. The depression isn't just a reaction to having the illness, it's a part of how the illness operates, neurochemically. So, a depressive mood and negativistic mindset is common. Perhaps recognizing that will make it easier to tolerate (vs. seeing it as a failure on his part to maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity, which is how some people view it).

Sounds like he's taking a break, though. I suspect that he knows at some level that he is dragging people down, and that although he would like to continue and be socially connected this way, he is better off letting go.

 

[FindingForward]

When I was in college, there was this guy living in a dorm room next to me who was like Eeyore on Winnie The Pooh.

I'd spend a lot of energy trying to have him see the bright side of things but no matter what he'd turn the conversation around and look at the depressing side of things.

Eventually was too much and I'd then make my interactions short with him to the point of almost avoiding him. Had to be that or lose my positive soul .

Unfortunately, it's not something friends can control or just "turn off". It's depression - they can't just "buck up" - it's an illness. We were raised by parents that fit this to a T - mostly angry and defeated. They were from violent, war torn countries and experienced extremely hard, traumatic lives, a lot of ugliness and loss of many family members.

Back then, no one recognized depression or PTSD as a condition - people were just called an "eeyore" or negative. The only people who went to therapists were celebrities.

We were blessed with wonderful, loving parents - but our entire lives, were forever trying to get them to see the bright side of things and always failing/getting shot down. It was exhausting and sad.

 

[Midpack]

When I was in college, there was this guy living in a dorm room next to me who was like Eeyore on Winnie The Pooh.

I'd spend a lot of energy trying to have him see the bright side of things but no matter what he'd turn the conversation around and look at the depressing side of things.

Eventually was too much and I'd then make my interactions short with him to the point of almost avoiding him. Had to be that or lose my positive soul .

Unfortunately, it's not something friends can control or just "turn off". It's depression - they can't just "buck up" - it's an illness. We were raised by parents that fit this to a T - mostly angry and defeated. They were from violent, war torn countries and experienced extremely hard, traumatic lives, a lot of ugliness and loss of many family members.

Back then, no one recognized depression or PTSD as a condition - people were just called an "eeyore" or negative. The only people who went to therapists were celebrities.

We were blessed with wonderful, loving parents - but our entire lives, were forever trying to get them to see the bright side of things and always failing/getting shot down. It was exhausting and sad.

It's not always depression. And if it is, it should be treated, not just accepted and spread around to everyone else. I agree we should steer clear of others who constantly can't see the bright side of anything, for self preservation if nothing else.

https://www.doctorshealthpress.com/...led,job loss, or an investment that went sour.

 

[Koolau]

It’s okay to be direct and tell him
to stop his moaning and groaning. You’re there to have fun, play golf with good friends. You can’t imagine what he’s going through and gently suggest if he needs to talk about his feelings to find a therapist to talk to about it.

We have a similar problem with DIL. She constantly complains about her life (even about her child - our grand child - who is reasonably well behaved.) I understand that life has been less kind to her than to some folks - especially here in the USA. But, I was telling her about a friend we have in Haiti who runs a mission. People are starving in the streets. Gangs run the country - there is no government (See, I CAN spell it.) Since the recent flooding, there is no way but helicopter to get food from the airport to the main city as there is no way to cross the flooded river.

The free world could help, but seems totally uninterested. By those standards DIL has it made. I tell her, she has us to care about her and back-stop her. I WANT to tell her: Kwitcherbitchen! You were born in the USA. You've already won the lottery that counts.