7 and 10 Year olds attend Funeral?

[mystang52]

My daughter will make the final decision, of course, but she asked my opinion. Maybe others here have been down this road.
We don't know cause of death yet, but my daughter's 41 year old brother-in-law just died suddenly at his home, apparently in his sleep. He was single, so he may have died as much as a full day before being discovered. 2 questions:
1) My grandchildren are 10 and 7, and saw their Uncle on a regular basis.
Autopsy required by law, so we don't know yet when it will be done and thus funeral timing. But funeral may be as early as tomorrow (Thursday). The kids haven't been told, yet. I told DD that I think it would be better to have the kids attend the funeral. They are both smart for their ages, and I thought attending a formal "goodbye" would be better for them. Am I wrong?
2) DD's mother-in-law is 82, with Alzheimer's. She has a full time in home attendant, still has some cognition, and they believe she still knows her children. Do they tell her?

 

[pb4uski]

I dunno... 7 and 10 are a bit young, but at the same time it probably isn't a bad time for them to start to understand the circle of life. Do you know whether it will be open casket or closed casket? I think the first funeral I went to was my grandfather's when I was about 12 and I'm pretty sure it was open casket. If closed casket, then definitely let them go if they want to so they can have closure on their uncle's sudden death... if open casket then I'm more on the fence but would suggest that your DD talk with them about it.

On the second part, definitely tell her as they don't really know how much cognition there is there.... but I wouldn't tell her more than once... IOW, if she subsequently mentions the deceased because she forgot that they told her that he has died, find a way to dodge the question... "he's doing fine".

No right answer... so just my 2c.

 

[erkevin]

I am certainly no expert on funerals, but I did spend 30 years as an elementary school teacher/principal, so I know kids. My take is to never force a child to attend a funeral, let them decide with guidance from the parent(s). This guidance can be in the form of discussing fears the child has, as well as assessing the child's emotional maturity in handling it. If they do decide to go, do not force them to view the body. Allow the child to set the pace on their involvement in the proceedings. Just my opinion.

 

[MRG]

I attended my grandmother's funeral when I was 6 and again at 8. I think it helped me understand life and death better.

On the dementia I don't know. My DM was demented her last ten years and depending upon the time frame would/wouldn't have been able process.

 

[JRon]

I agree with them attending the funeral - they’re old enough IMHO.

 

[braumeister]

I think my first visit to a funeral home was when I was about ten. Open casket, and I was quite nervous about it, but once I got through the visit I was fine. Just another part of life, and something to learn about.

 

[Rocky mtn high]

Absolutely, but don’t force them if they don’t want to go.

 

[Out of Steam]

I attended my first funeral mass at 8 or so, and wake at 10 or 11. Agree on letting the children decide, though if there is a choice between a wake and a memorial service, the memorial service may be easier on them.

 

[Aerides]

10 yes, 7 no, so probably best for them both to stay with a family member for the event while others attend the actual funeral.

Then if there's a gathering, a less formal family thing, bring them there.

 

[qwerty3656]

I don't think they are too young

 

[W2R]

It depends on the kid, of course. But I tend to think that both of them should go to the funeral if they want to go, after being told how long it might be and what goes on.

They should have the choice of going for the same reasons that adults go; to help them cope with their grief.

Edited to add: I am assuming the kids have been taught how to behave well and normally are not disruptive.

 

[athena53]

My personal view is that we've tried to detach all the realities of death from our everyday lives and we need to understand it as a natural part of life. I say this after watching my husband die quietly at home in hospice care. I wouldn't have had it any other way. My oldest granddaughter is 7 and I'd consider it a good opportunity to address the fact that we're mortal.

I do think any viewing should be left up to the kids. Explain that their Uncle won't quite look like they remembered him but it's a last chance to see him if they want to. Don't make them get any closer than they want to get.

The funeral is less likely to be traumatic and I'd let them attend, especially if they go to religious services regularly. If they don't they may find it boring or confusing but that's also something you should leave to them.

Let us know how it works out!

 

[Letj]

I attended several funerals growing up from I would say about age 8. I was part of a small close knit community and my parents saw the need to always pay their respects and took us with them. I willingly went, out of curiosity, and was absolutely terrified and scared that I too may die especially when the funeral was of someone younger and/or quite emotional. I don’t regret going to the funerals and don’t think it scarred me in anyway. I just think I was a little scaredy cat and I still am.

 

[Car-Guy]

I was about 10 when I attended my first funeral (grandmother)... I still remember it well but it didn't really bother/affect me that I recall... It's just a reality of life.

 

[ls99]

Sure.
Funerals are part of transition.

It is a lot less traumatic than living through a revolution and watching tanks firing into houses, people getting shot on the street, thrown off of balconies, hanged or dragged behind trucks which I saw and lived through in Hungary at age 9. 1956 Russian invasion of Hugary. After that military service was a piece of cake

Death and funerals are part of the lifecycle, the sooner one understands, the less the mystery of where do we go from life.

 

[Golden sunsets]

Regarding the deceased's mother, I concur that telling her once is important, but she will likely revert to assuming he is living and it would be distressing for her, if you tell her each time she brings his name up, that he has passed. I learned this with my DM( who had ALZ), when she would ask where her DH (my Dad) was. I quickly realized that it made her really sad/distressed to face that reality repeatedly, so I resorted to evasive tactics which satisfied her, rather than causing a groundhog day sort of repeated grief.

 

[FLD3C]

As an old doctor who had a parent die suddenly when I was very young, I would tell both children about the death and allow them to attend the wake, funeral and burial( or other disposal of remains). I would frame it as a way of saying goodbye. They are old enough to feel sad about their uncle and the services will help.
Remember a child's fantasy of a the wake,funeral, disposal of remains may be worse than the reality.
I agree with poster Golden sunsets(above) regarding mother with dementia

 

[RetireeRobert]

Yes, to the kids going to funeral service. In my opinion, it would be a disservice to the kids, who were involved in their uncle's life, to deny them the opportunity other family members get to say goodbye. This is part of what families are about. And it is part of kids' maturing and growing process, within a safe family environment. They need not be raised as a couple of snowflakes.

And yes to telling the mother-in-law. Why should she be denied the right to know, and who has the right to deny her that knowledge? Especially when some consider that she "still knows her children"?

 

[jazz4cash]

If it was my children, I would tell them and encourage them to participate but I would not force them. I would use discretion wrt open casket or other sensitive areas. Certainly they could attend a repast to the extent that such things still exist.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would let the kids go if they want to. For MIL only tell her once. You don’t want to have her relive the grief a bunch of times.

 

[Car-Guy]

I would let the kids go if they want to.

There's the right answer, IMO...

 

[Sunset]

I wonder if the children had personal pets that had died on them. By age 7 I had a number of tiny pets that had died and that we said goodbye to and buried.

Pets like: fish, dog, etc..

When my grandmother died, of course I went as that was the time to say goodbye.

 

[Safire]

My daughter will make the final decision, of course, but she asked my opinion. Maybe others here have been down this road.
We don't know cause of death yet, but my daughter's 41 year old brother-in-law just died suddenly at his home, apparently in his sleep. He was single, so he may have died as much as a full day before being discovered. 2 questions:
1) My grandchildren are 10 and 7, and saw their Uncle on a regular basis.
Autopsy required by law, so we don't know yet when it will be done and thus funeral timing. But funeral may be as early as tomorrow (Thursday). The kids haven't been told, yet. I told DD that I think it would be better to have the kids attend the funeral. They are both smart for their ages, and I thought attending a formal "goodbye" would be better for them. Am I wrong?
2) DD's mother-in-law is 82, with Alzheimer's. She has a full time in home attendant, still has some cognition, and they believe she still knows her children. Do they tell her?

My condolences on your loss

I would not tell the mother. It can serve no purpose and might spare her a lot of pain, given her dementia and decline.

Yes, the children should attend the funeral if they are able to & understand the loss. They has a relationship with their Uncle and this is their chance to bid him farewell. It would be the appropriate thing to do, esp for the 10 yr old.

 

[marko]

I remember when I was about 6 or 7 mom brought us to a wake of someone we 'sort of' knew, even though they were friends of my parents. I remember mom saying "it's a good idea to take him to someone not so close as a start".

By the time that uncles, aunts and grandparents passed, wakes and funerals were old hat. Full disclosure: at one point in high school I thought I wanted to be a mortician.

The opposite result is what we have with our own nieces and nephews: they're now in their late twenties and early thirties and completely freak out at having to go to a wake. I mean: throwing up, freezing up at the coffin, hyperventilating, running out at full trot, causing quite a scene just because they weren't exposed to it as children.

The idea of seeing an actual dead person just blows their little sheltered minds.

 

[RetireeRobert]

I would not tell the mother. It can serve no purpose and might spare her a lot of pain, given her dementia and decline.

I respectfully disagree. OP stated some believe "she knows her children".

I think mother-in-law has a right to be informed, and others have no right to keep that knowledge from her. Especially given the belief of some that "she knows her children".