Cow Economics

[cute fuzzy bunny]

This needs a little updating, but its not too far out.

Cow Economics

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a

man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from

your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you

for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are

surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and

are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give

excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately

they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private

parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in

the hospital.

IRAQIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go in hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the

best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick

some fat cow from Arkansas.

CALIFORNIA HAPPY COWS

Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot.

Feed cows weeds.

Hire Hollywood to show commercial of HAPPY COWS in green pastures.

Smoke weed left over from cow feeding.

Make millions selling "HAPPY MILK."

 

[Hiss]

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

I thought I read an earlier post that the Japanese beer feed their cows and massage them. TH, you have just shattered my dreams of being turned out to a Japanese pasture.

 

[BigMoneyJim]

I thought I read an earlier post that the Japanese beer feed their cows and massage them.

They massage the beef cows to keep them very lean. They don't live so long.

At least the SWR would be higher...

 

[charlie]

I went into the cow business briefly after my wife
inherited a small farm. I bought 10 calves and hired
a neighbor to help. The first thing that happened
was that one was killed by lightning. Then one ate
a beer can and died. At the end of the summer, I
took the cows to market just at the time the bottom
fell out. After paying the neighbor, I had a tidy tax
write-off. Moral: don't get into anything you don't
understand. Also learned that it is not a good idea
to try to run a business absentee.

Cheers,

Charlie (aka Chuck-Lyn)

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I thought I read an earlier post that the Japanese beer feed their cows and massage them. TH, you have just shattered my dreams of being turned out to a Japanese pasture.

I was going to say something to the effect of "ah yes, some beer a massage, and then you're eaten...", but I decided against it.

 

[haha]

I was going to say something to the effect of "ah yes, some beer a massage, and then you're eaten...", but I decided against it.

Finally a dirty joke.

 

[John Galt]

It behooves all of us to study these posts.

John Galt

 

[Hiss]

It behooves all of us to study these posts.

This is becoming udderly rediculous!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Hay, you have to wrassle down a good premise before it takes hoof. For one leathery poster to rib another, a prime moment has to occur. When it does, you have to grab the bull by the horns and tell chuck about it.

 

[John Galt]

Hey, get veal! There are plenty of puns left. I am not cowed, nor am I on the horns of a dilemma. In any case, I will try to steer back to ER topics. I believe
we've milked this one quite enough, and besides, my reputation is at steak.

John Galt

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

John, you're nothing but a ham.

 

[unclemick]

There was a guy outside of Longview,WA who diversified his portfolio by adding buffalo to his cow herd - after 2-3 years of broken fences and one front page news incident of a buffalo losing to a Union Pacific train - he was persuaded to switch to a less volatile asset class(goats or something).

 

[trumpeting_angel]

I'm gonna mine the internet for unoriginal jokes more often! Seems quite productive. . .

Anne, who hasn't the energy to come up with great puns after having to work for a couple of hours this morning.

 

[mickeyd]

LOL TH,

Thanks for this simple, yet complex, list of these obvious differences.

Eat more chicken indeed!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Sorry Anne...I dont think theres an original joke anywhere anymore, nor something that hasnt been broached somewhere on this board. I'm just afflicted with a good memory.

Sooo...you say you want jokes about miners?

 

[trumpeting_angel]

Sooo...you say you want jokes about miners?

Absolutely. You know one?

A

 

[John Galt]

Re. "jokes about miners", it's very non-PC to make fun
of children.

John Galt

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

John, you owe me five bucks for the easy one.

Unfortunately I dont think there is a clean "miner" joke on earth.

Anyhow, a miner goes into town for his once a week visit. Gets himself a bath and has a few shots of whiskey. Then he asks the bartender "So, wheres all the wimmen?". Bartender says "We aint got no wimmen around here, so we have to fool around with the critters". The miner is disgusted and leaves. Many weeks later, he comes back, still no ladies to be found. After several more shots of whiskey he decides "oh what the hay" and heads out of the bar. A few shops down he notices a critter down one of the alleys and goes and starts having his way with it. He hears a gasp and looks back to see half the town watching him aghast. "Whatcha all starin' at? Dont y'all fool around with the critters?". "Well sure", says the bartender, "but you've got some courage in ya to be makin' it with the sheriffs gal".

 

[unclemick]

TH
The version I heard involved the French Foreign Legend, a camel, and the Commanding officer - they cleaned it up a lot for Playboy.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Believe it or not, I cleaned THIS one up a lot...

I have a worse one, and its uncleanable.

 

[nwsteve]

The Foreign Legion version I recall did not involve the Commander but went along the line, rather than becoming exceptionally "friendly" with the camel, most folks rode it into the oasis over the hill. (where there were wimmen)
nwsteve

 

[unclemick]

Yeap
The playboy version - you ride the camel to go get women. The barbershop version - welllll that version was sightly different.

So old - I still lived in Seattle.