Driving carpool etiquette

[livingalmostlarge]

Ok I have to ask here since in person is difficult.

Tomorrow I'm going to a concert at night with people and there are total 5 people going. Three of us are carpooling and the other two are carpooling. The other four are friends and I'm a friend of the person driving the 3 of us. I bought the ticket to the concert last week since the original fifth friend something came up and couldn't go to the concert. I was never in the original group and don't know any of the others name phone number etc except my friend.

The concert in is an hour drive so we are carpooling. The three of us decided my friend would drive. Her friend said they don't have a car for her to use and shares with her husband.

I said I want to drink and prefer to not drive. I have a rental car currently and would again prefer to not drive. And I didn't know anyone and would either drive solo or if it was feasible catch a ride. I also said I'd was perfectly content taking public transit solo and then a ride home after meeting up with them since they were initially going to dinner together and I didn't want to crash. But I was okay taking transit and then a ride home would be okay since space wouldnt be an issue with 5 people. But it turns out they were always going to split carpooling based on house location.

So now the husband of my friend doesn't want her to drive. He was trying to pressure me to drive but I said no. He doesn't think she should be driving at night back.

I feel I'm right since also I'm the outsider not driving people I don't know and going solo to be concert. I wanted to go but didn't know anyone else going and I didn't buy a ticket initially with the group so the carpool and dinner I was never involved in.

But now my friend is driving which I think is the right answer. My answer still is public transit down and then a ride back or Uber. If it matters the woman who sold me the ticket I didn't know and I was the first person to respond in their networks for. $300 ticket which might have been the reason why. But also why they all sent an email asking if anyone was interested in going and buying said ticket

What is the proper etiquette? Am I supposed to offer to drive since her husband doesn't want her to? I do not want to drive

 

[Midpack]

Now your friend is driving again, so what’s the issue? You get yourself there (since they’re going to dinner first) and ride back with your friend and one other person. Since you don’t know the other three and don’t have their contact info, you don’t have to say anything to them, just confirm with your friend? I’d offer to help with gas $ too, especially since they’re acting as your DD. I must be missing something.

 

[JoeWras]

Now your friend is driving again, so what’s the issue? You get yourself there and ride back with your friend and one other person.

Yeah, right? I just figured the OP was venting.

I'll say this: the driver who is not drinking and the "DD" deserves compensation. They shouldn't be paying for any gas, and they should be treated to a Coke and some food.

The one time I was designated driver to a hockey game, I mentioned to the guys that someone needs to buy me a Coke and hot dog. They said "sure, right." As the game went on and nobody offered, I asked and they thought I was joking.

Haha, some joke. I was serious. And next time I ever am a DD, I will make the expectation clear and say I am not joking. It is only fair.

To me, proper etiquette is open communication. Friends or strangers who won't engage in a conversation on the topic of long carpooling or especially being a designated driver may not be worth it. Being responsible for driving at such events is not trivial. There's a lot of nonsense behavior out there and small parking lot collisions are common, let alone the problem of driving at night during the intoxication hours. People are intoxicated at the event, and there's just a lot of them on the roads in general. Momma may have said "Nothing good happens after midnight." I say the new midnight is 10PM.

 

[livingalmostlarge]

No it's not settled. The husband really doesn't want her to drive. He keeps saying he wants someone else to drive and I do not want to volunteer. At this point I feel like public transit and a ride back is good for me. They had dinner at our house tonight and the husband kept trying to pressure me to drive and I said no.

I said I do not need a ride there then and I'm not driving a rental to get there. Nope I made reservations for the dinner at 530 but again I said I was cool but eating anywhere but just next to stadium or inside. My friend and her friend wanted somewhere nice with reservations and initially it was two separate reservations of two and the dive they couldn't get a table for five.

I said I'd make one but personally I could care less and would eat a hot dog. I was going to offer too pay for parking and a drink. My friend texted me how busy she was and didn't have time to find a place but wanted a reservation. So I made one. I suggested only going for show and I was going to meet them because they were leaving at 3 pm for a 8 pm show you have dinner first and I was like I don't know then so see you there with my ticket. I need a ride home or not.

But my deal was not my group why should I drive? And now I feel like telling the husband sorry but I can make it there no problem so why should I drive

 

[braumeister]

In my experience of this sort of thing, the riders buy the gas. It has always just been an automatic arrangement, no negotiation needed.

 

[JoeWras]

But my deal was not my group why should I drive?

You shouldn't. It is a very serious responsibility for these kinds of events. This is not an etiquette issue, it is a friendship issue where the spouse is coming between you and your friend. I have no advice for that, it is probably another thread.

In my experience of this sort of thing, the riders buy the gas. It has always just been an automatic arrangement, no negotiation needed.

EXACTLY.

 

[Midpack]

But my deal was not my group why should I drive? And now I feel like telling the husband sorry but I can make it there no problem so why should I drive

So you bought the ticket, from a stranger, assuming someone (your friend) would provide transportation, so you could drink and avoid driving your rental car? Did you ask your friend about transportation before buying the ticket? If I was the outsider, like you are, I’d be accommodating the others as much as possible - that’s proper “etiquette” to me. Sorry I couldn’t help.

 

[Aerides]

I'm a bit confused...but:

You are a grown up person. You do not allow the husband of some friend to pressure you to do anything. He doesn't want her to drive? Fine. He wants you to drive? No.

Make your own way there and back and remove yourself from this group transport arrangement. It sounds a bit silly, and I see a good chance that half of you don't make it to the show. If you don't want to go to a dinner in advance of the show, don't do that either.

 

[njhowie]

I believe you have no obligations or need for being concerned about etiquette here. Tap out, take public transportation, and take care of yourself. You were happy with that from the beginning.

The husband really doesn't want her to drive. He keeps saying he wants someone else to drive and I do not want to volunteer. At this point I feel like public transit and a ride back is good for me. They had dinner at our house tonight and the husband kept trying to pressure me to drive and I said no.

I'm sure you already reiterated to husband that you planned on drinking and "cannot" drive, make the point again if necessary. Offer for her to go along with you using public transportation/ride. She won't be driving.

 

[Jerry1]

I'm a bit confused...but:

You are a grown up person. You do not allow the husband of some friend to pressure you to do anything. He doesn't want her to drive? Fine. He wants you to drive? No.

Make your own way there and back and remove yourself from this group transport arrangement. It sounds a bit silly, and I see a good chance that half of you don't make it to the show. If you don't want to go to a dinner in advance of the show, don't do that either.

Couldn’t agree more. Just do what you need to do. The only etiquette thing I see is that you clearly communicate that you’re out, going solo, taking care of yourself . . .

 

[livingalmostlarge]

Yep I checked before buying the ticket and they said they had a carpool and I asked for a ride.

If not I would have planned a transit ride. Now I feel bad that I'm actually feeling petty enough to take a transit ride because now even if I don't go I'm pretty sure she's going to have to drive her other friend.

I looked and I'm good taking a transit ride. It's an hour. I would prefer not to that late at night but during the day? It's fine.

 

[livingalmostlarge]

I bought the ticket from her friend directly a stranger. I have the Venmo to prove it. And intially I just asked for a ride back deciding I knew they had dinner plans and I would just catch a ride back and then avoiding the need to have dinner with them. Show is at 8 pm and I was planning on leaving at 530 and being there when the doors open at 7 pm.

I asked before buying if there was a possibility of a ride home and was told yes by my friend and the woman selling the ticket.

 

[CaliKid]

I would man up, not drink, drive, and have fun! Life is way too short for all this drama... all basically to determine who can drink!? Come on!

 

[livingalmostlarge]

I probably could drive after my one drink but I also prefer to not drive at night an hour back. My one hesitation about going to the concert. But going and catching a ride back had been resolved. Now am I jerk for making it clear by taking transit down? skipping dinner? And hoping for a ride back? I am hoping not. I also did not text friend this morning to ask about driving. I assume she's fighting with her husband.

My thought is maybe offering money to spot an Uber. I personally don't mind shelling out to share an uber.

 

[aaronc879]

You absolutely do not have to drive if you don't want to. Don't let anyone pressure you into driving. Maybe suggest an Uber split 3 ways so none of you have to drive. Agree up front that whoever is paying thru the app gets cash from the other riders before the ride starts.

 

[braumeister]

So now the husband of my friend doesn't want her to drive. He was trying to pressure me to drive but I said no.

This seems to have been your only issue, and you have already resolved it. Not sure what else you may be asking here.

 

[W2R]

As for the etiquette, I think it's perfectly acceptable to politely refuse to drive if you don't want to drive. A friendly smile (or emoji if it's an email) will cover a multitude of awkward situations.

 

[Exchme]

Your friend is OK with driving, it's her husband that is trying to manipulate you and others. So the only one here with a problem is your friend - she married an overbearing turd that is used to getting whatever he wants. But that is her problem to either ignore or solve, not yours.

Just find your own transport and staying well clear of the drama.

 

[MarieIG]

You absolutely do not have to drive if you don't want to. Don't let anyone pressure you into driving. Maybe suggest an Uber split 3 ways so none of you have to drive. Agree up front that whoever is not paying thru the app gets cash from the other riders before the ride starts.

This. Public transportation up - Uber back. But, you can't lay out the money in advance and chase people to get paid back.

My thought about the woman whose husband didn't want her to drive - maybe there is a reason, i.e. she doesn't see well at night, or tends to drink and drive. I would do the Urber . . .

 

[Act2]

I agree that there is probably a reason he doesn’t want her to drive and those are the two possibilities I thought of. Or maybe she’s a lousy driver.

 

[Walt34]

Make your own way there and back and remove yourself from this group transport arrangement.

That's what I'd do is just take the bus/train/whatever as I'd originally planned. That makes the whole issue go away for you.